I feel it is impossible for me to truly go NC because...

[JohnThorn]

She infected me with an STD and I now have outbreaks of genital warts.  This came about during a moment of infidelity on her part.  She ultimately left me for the guy.

Today I was struck down with another outbreak.  It is HEARTBREAKING.  To see this, knowing how it affects my ability to pursue others (maybe permanently)... .and to know she's so easily maneuvered into her new man's arms.  Even when I don't contact her, seeing these things makes me instantly reminded of everything.

Today I reached out to her... .yes I am stupid.  But I saw the newest outbreak and I lost my cool.  She called me psycho and told me how if I knew more about her life I would be devastated.  And she proceeded to "boohoo" me at every twist and turn.  I simply asked to know if she felt badly at all.  I know she doesn't. 

I don't know how to fix my life anymore. 

[Chasing_Ghosts]

My sentiments go out to you John as this must be an extremely crushing blow to you on top of the relationship fallout that has occurred with your exBPD. I can relate slightly as mine to wasnt faithful and i picked up chlamydia. I can only imagine how hard it must be to be afflicted with such a condition and have your ex invalidate you completely with no remorse. Its sick. But we are dealing with disordered people and it unfortunately comes with the territory. Just know you can fix your life my friend but it will take one day at a time. Going NC would be best as further contact at this point will be just further heartbreak. Unfortunately she will only respond negatively as she is more than likely idealizing this new guy and trying to project her faults on you. You dont deserve any more torment or pain. "Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got." -Robert Brault. Thats closure with a BPD. 

Go NC, save yourself. Stay strong brother!

[LettingGo14]

I don't know how to fix my life anymore. 

JT -- I know that you are devastated right now.  And, I empathize with you completely.  I hope I can write some words that give some relief -- if not today, then someday soon.

You are not "broken" -- in fact, there are millions of people in the same boat as you right now, and there are treatment (management) options as well as options for protecting yourself (and future partners).   Your brain is taunting you by living in what is sometimes called "the wreckage of the future."  But, living in the imagined future can destroy your life in the present.

The mind and heart can be trained.  What you think and ponder can (and often does) become habituated.   Therefore, pause for a moment. 

"Confirmation bias" is a real cognitive trick (error).  Whatever your belief is, often becomes the lens through which you view the world.   If you think of yourself as broken, you handicap yourself. 

You are not broken.  Yes, you have a challenge.  But, that challenge can be addressed -- medically, therapeutically, cognitively, and emotionally.   

You are not alone.  Please start with kindness for yourself.