18 years of my life gone- and now I feel surprisingly calm...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

After 18 years on the roller coaster of marriage to my undiagnosed BPD husband, things started escalating more and more frequently. He constantly complained how I didn't make him feel loved, (hence the affairs he has had ) until he actually convinced me that the problem was mine. I arranged for counselling for myself, and took responsibility for any part I had played in the downfall of our marriage. This proved to be the beginning of the end.

He woke me up in the middle of the night shouting abuse about how I had ruined his life because I was crazy, he had wasted 18 years of his life being with me when he could have had a happy life with someone else etc etc. He decided he was no longer coming on our family holiday, but going off on his own to visit his daughter from his previous marriage in Germany ( his first wife was 'crazy' as well of course.)

He went off on his own for a week, reluctantly making any contact with me whatsoever, then came back and acted like he hated me. I was told the marriage was over, and he was leaving. He had such contempt for me, that I knew instinctively he had met someone else while he was away (which he denied). I asked him to leave, after several days I even helped him to find somewhere to go, as he kept telling me he couldn't find anywhere. If he hated me that much and already had someone else lined up, why would he even want to stay? The day before he finally moved out he had already booked flights back to see this other woman. (he had eventually admitted there was someone else, but he had only been out for a drink with her... .)

I was at work on the day he moved out, and fully expected him to be gone when I got back. But no, he had waited for me. He made me a cup of tea and we talked. He wanted me to come and see where he was moving to, and then take me and our daughter out for dinner... very odd. I asked him if that was it between us and he replied "who knows?" Leaving the door open in case things didn't work out with the next one I guess.

This is where I struggled though. Before then I thought he hated me, hence that fact I had told him to leave, after this comment I believed there was a chance we could reconcile once again. After taking us out for dinner, he left with the words "see you soon", and that was that.

I suffered severe anxiety over the next 2 weeks. Not sleeping, not eating, waking in the middle of the night with a racing heart and that horrible burning knotting sensation in my stomach. I texted him constantly, sent him e-mails etc, and would get a response once in a while saying "Back Off" or "Stop pushing me". He was so angry with me for telling him to leave. He came around a week later to pick up his post etc and I cooked dinner and asked him to stay with us to eat. Before he left he kissed me on the lips and thanked me... .I thought we were making progress. I texted him about going somewhere the next day, just to the park with the dog, I must have sent him 6 texts before I got a reply. The usual "Back Off" and "I want to be on my own". I was confused.

The following weekend practically the same thing happened again. I had arranged a joint counselling session that he had said he would go to with me, so he could explain to the counsellor how my behaviour had affected him and our relationship... It's a good job we went in separate vehicles... .He spent the whole hour slagging me off, bringing up stuff that had happened before we were even married (stuff that was so trivial), and making out that I was completely insane . He twisted stories and made things up so I looked bad... .and said that if he moved back home and things went back to how they had been before, then he would murder me. He said it twice, to male sure the counsellor took it in!

When we eventually left (he almost walked out after 20 minutes anyway) he just told me to go home . The counsellor had told us just to give each other time and space for the dust to settle, which we agreed to do. I told him I was worried about giving him space, because if I am not there , he just finds someone else to take my place.( he has done it twice before) He put his hands on my shoulders and told me not to worry about that.

Later that week I found out through someone else that he was going off to see the other woman again, even though he had told me twice that he wouldn't. When I confronted him he eventually replied that if I wanted to know the truth (which is all I have ever wanted to know) then yes, he was going. And he would never be coming back to me.

Although I was in shock... and maybe still am, I felt strangely calm. The anxiety seemed to ease, and I just felt some sort of relief that it was all over. I still can't believe what has happened in such a short space of time. And I can't believe that he went to see his daughter and met someone else within a week, that was obviously so besotted with him that she was happy to wait while he came back to England to end the marriage with his wife, so he could go straight back out there to see her again.

Maybe I am still in shock, I am not sure. I am now a single parent with 2 teenage kids, with a BPD husband that has run off with another woman... .I guess there are a few of us about.

On the positive side, I have lost a lot of weight over the last month or so, through not eating! I just feel lost now, and lonely. I do understand now though why I stayed in the marriage for so long. I did love him, but I couldn't meet his needs, and I couldn't reason with him, no matter how hard I tried. But I obviously have abandonment issues, as I had severe separation anxiety for the first 2 weeks, especially while I thought he might come back to me.

Sorry this is a long post, it just helps me to put it on paper so to speak. Maybe some of you out there can identify with some of what I have described.

[spottydog]

After 18 years on the roller coaster of marriage to my undiagnosed BPD husband, things started escalating more and more frequently. He constantly complained how I didn't make him feel loved, (hence the affairs he has had ) until he actually convinced me that the problem was mine. I arranged for counselling for myself, and took responsibility for any part I had played in the downfall of our marriage. This proved to be the beginning of the end.

He woke me up in the middle of the night shouting abuse about how I had ruined his life because I was crazy, he had wasted 18 years of his life being with me when he could have had a happy life with someone else etc etc. He decided he was no longer coming on our family holiday, but going off on his own to visit his daughter from his previous marriage in Germany ( his first wife was 'crazy' as well of course.)

He went off on his own for a week, reluctantly making any contact with me whatsoever, then came back and acted like he hated me. I was told the marriage was over, and he was leaving. He had such contempt for me, that I knew instinctively he had met someone else while he was away (which he denied). I asked him to leave, after several days I even helped him to find somewhere to go, as he kept telling me he couldn't find anywhere. If he hated me that much and already had someone else lined up, why would he even want to stay? The day before he finally moved out he had already booked flights back to see this other woman. (he had eventually admitted there was someone else, but he had only been out for a drink with her... .)

I was at work on the day he moved out, and fully expected him to be gone when I got back. But no, he had waited for me. He made me a cup of tea and we talked. He wanted me to come and see where he was moving to, and then take me and our daughter out for dinner... very odd. I asked him if that was it between us and he replied "who knows?" Leaving the door open in case things didn't work out with the next one I guess.

This is where I struggled though. Before then I thought he hated me, hence that fact I had told him to leave, after this comment I believed there was a chance we could reconcile once again. After taking us out for dinner, he left with the words "see you soon", and that was that.

I suffered severe anxiety over the next 2 weeks. Not sleeping, not eating, waking in the middle of the night with a racing heart and that horrible burning knotting sensation in my stomach. I texted him constantly, sent him e-mails etc, and would get a response once in a while saying "Back Off" or "Stop pushing me". He was so angry with me for telling him to leave. He came around a week later to pick up his post etc and I cooked dinner and asked him to stay with us to eat. Before he left he kissed me on the lips and thanked me... .I thought we were making progress. I texted him about going somewhere the next day, just to the park with the dog, I must have sent him 6 texts before I got a reply. The usual "Back Off" and "I want to be on my own". I was confused.

The following weekend practically the same thing happened again. I had arranged a joint counselling session that he had said he would go to with me, so he could explain to the counsellor how my behaviour had affected him and our relationship... It's a good job we went in separate vehicles... .He spent the whole hour slagging me off, bringing up stuff that had happened before we were even married (stuff that was so trivial), and making out that I was completely insane . He twisted stories and made things up so I looked bad... .and said that if he moved back home and things went back to how they had been before, then he would murder me. He said it twice, to male sure the counsellor took it in!

When we eventually left (he almost walked out after 20 minutes anyway) he just told me to go home . The counsellor had told us just to give each other time and space for the dust to settle, which we agreed to do. I told him I was worried about giving him space, because if I am not there , he just finds someone else to take my place.( he has done it twice before) He put his hands on my shoulders and told me not to worry about that.

Later that week I found out through someone else that he was going off to see the other woman again, even though he had told me twice that he wouldn't. When I confronted him he eventually replied that if I wanted to know the truth (which is all I have ever wanted to know) then yes, he was going. And he would never be coming back to me.

Although I was in shock... and maybe still am, I felt strangely calm. The anxiety seemed to ease, and I just felt some sort of relief that it was all over. I still can't believe what has happened in such a short space of time. And I can't believe that he went to see his daughter and met someone else within a week, that was obviously so besotted with him that she was happy to wait while he came back to England to end the marriage with his wife, so he could go straight back out there to see her again.

Maybe I am still in shock, I am not sure. I am now a single parent with 2 teenage kids, with a BPD husband that has run off with another woman... .I guess there are a few of us about.

On the positive side, I have lost a lot of weight over the last month or so, through not eating! I just feel lost now, and lonely. I do understand now though why I stayed in the marriage for so long. I did love him, but I couldn't meet his needs, and I couldn't reason with him, no matter how hard I tried. But I obviously have abandonment issues, as I had severe separation anxiety for the first 2 weeks, especially while I thought he might come back to me.

Sorry this is a long post, it just helps me to put it on paper so to speak. Maybe some of you out there can identify with some of what I have described.

[Tiepje3]

Yup, can identify with a lot of things. The pushing and pulling, the losing weight by not eating (a good positive), feeling lost and lonely, asking myself why I put up with it for so long, being jealous of the replacement, wondering if he's coming back (but knowing I wouldn't take him back, having a replacement is the ultimate boundary crossing for me) etc. I cannot help you much, but I can tell you you're not the only one going through these emotions. You're not alone. I feel for you. We'll get better eventually.

And a nice quote for today: "Sometimes life gives you two options: losing yourself or losing the one you love. Whatever it is, don't lose yourself."

[RisingSun]

I just feel lost now, and lonely. I do understand now though why I stayed in the marriage for so long. I did love him, but I couldn't meet his needs, and I couldn't reason with him, no matter how hard I tried. But I obviously have abandonment issues, as I had severe separation anxiety for the first 2 weeks, especially while I thought he might come back to me.

I understand the lonely feelings you're having. I too feel desperately alone after my wife left with the replacement. I feel hurt, abandoned and betrayed. I too stayed way too long with my stbxw in hopes she would "come around" and see the destruction she was creating in our marriage. I loved her with all my heart and tried my best to meet her never ending needs. I sacrificed 11 years of my life on her to only be dumped and discarded in the end.

There is no reasoning with these people. Reason is poison to their false reality. It's all about their feelings, never ours. If your reason goes against their feelings then you're painted black and in for a confrontation.

Don't be hard on yourself. I doubt you truly have abandonment issues. Yes, you have an issue with being abandoned. But, I would say you don't have abandonment issues. BPD's have abandonment issues. That's why they're so hard to truly get close to. It's normal to feel abandoned after a partner you loved betrayed you and left with another. Be careful not to beat yourself up while you grieve. It's best to allow a therapist you help you navigate this difficult time of transition. Two weeks out is a very short time in regards to moving forward in your recovery and healing. You'll have a better understanding once the fog clears. This can take awhile. After three months of NC you'll start to come to a better understanding of the situation and the role your "issues" played in it. For now that's not important. We all too easily beat ourselves up over the disfunction of the relationship once they've ended. Very little of the disfunction is our fault. Rest assured on this fact. The biggest question is why you stayed in an abusive relationship. But that question can be addressed later down the road.

Be strong, stay away from him and take time for yourself. You'll start eating and sleeping better in about a month. Hang in there. We're here for you. There's no better place to wrap your head around relationships with BPDs than on this board.

Thanks for sharing your story.

[toomanytears]

After 18 years on the roller coaster of marriage to my undiagnosed BPD husband, things started escalating more and more frequently. He constantly complained how I didn't make him feel loved, (hence the affairs he has had ) until he actually convinced me that the problem was mine. I arranged for counselling for myself, and took responsibility for any part I had played in the downfall of our marriage. This proved to be the beginning of the end.


Sorry this is a long post, it just helps me to put it on paper so to speak. Maybe some of you out there can identify with some of what I have described.

Hi spottydog. All I can say is yes. Mine lasted 31 years. I am one year on. Sometimes, like today,I  wonder when I'm going to wake up from the nightmare. Othertimes are very good and I feel I'm really moving on. I am getting better at controlling what's going on in my head. I've been through very similar experiences to yours. I only found out about the affairs after he left (sorry, I threw him out, apparently) and even now I find them hard to believe. I allow myself to look on facebook every now and then, which is painful but necessary. I've been to therapy - he told me we'd get back together if I did. Of course he didn't, but it was very enlightening. That's how my mind switched off from being a doormat. It still wants to go there. Especially when I'm tired, but I have to fight it. Coming to these boards helps me to hang on in there. We loved them. That loss of their love (or was it really love?), it hurts so bad now, but is the pain as bad as how they made us feel in those black splitting times?