Rebuilding

[Shell shock]

I posted this in a different forum, but I will post it again.

It has been helpful reading this forum.

My story is of a brief but intense one. I thought I had met the one woman I had been looking for all my life, and this is after being married for almost 10 years. I went from a marriage that was based on inertia while sleepwalking to a brief but incomparably intense relationship. While not having an affair, I left my wife to begin a new one with this person who I felt had the keys to happiness.

The girl seemed to have everything. Charisma. Intelligence. Beauty. Beautiful and happy children. She had so many of the qualities I

never had in my marriage. I said I would not forgive myself by staying in my loveless marriage and give up on the opportunity for a life with passion.

It started off with effortless conversation which led to meetings of an innocent nature which led to an insurmountable physical connection.

The emotional connection was incomparable, and the ease in which I opened my heart seemed so natural. Trust seemed so clearly the correct approach.

The problem with such intensity is that the time periods in-between were insufferable. I have never tried methamphetamine, but I imagine this is the interpersonal equivalent. The lack of feedback from her was ambiguous and confusing during our time apart. This coupled by the fact that she would spend this time with her "ex"/co-worker was both confusing and ambiguous. How could she profess, in such powerful language, incomparable love to me while posting photos hugging with her ex online? I perceive myself now as the "other" man. The distraction from her primary relationship. I feel used and exhausted.

I found myself pawning off my values to spend more time with her, but while the time with her was wonderful, it had a corrosive effect. The brief invigorating feeling soon felt draining and I would feel weaker rather than stronger. While she was happy I was separated and going into a divorce, her support was nonexistent.

Ultimately, after several months, and one week after saying that she was madly in love with me, she said she didn't want me in her life anymore. Not fully understanding the pathology, I was taken aback. Out last exchange was quite acrimonious with hurtful things said. I imagine she is rebuilding her relationship with her ex, and when I am able to disconnect from the emotion I am glad to be rid of her. I do admit some residual mesolimbic artifact (technically referring this to my emotions is helpful to me) as this was, in my

opinion, a counterfeit affair. But it is no easy task slowing this train down.

I am moving on. As the "other" man, as I believe, I feel used but will move on for the better (and with a good therapist). I am grateful that this relationship broke the inertia from my dysfunctional marriage, so there is a silver lining. Ironically, my ex-wife and I have a very amicable and mature relationship with a mutual understanding that divorce doesn't preclude friendship.

I hope to never see her again, but would anyone expect her to re-enter my life with my role as the "other" man and not her primary host?

It isn't that I want her again, but I would feel better gaining some closure from the experience.

[freedom33]

Hi Shell Shock,

Your story reminds me mine a bit. I was in a marriage like relationship with my almost 8 year partner. Things were really dull and we decided to break it off. Just a couple of months after that I met my xBPDgf. At the beginning I told her I wasn't into anything serious since I had recently just broken up. She insisted flirting and after a few weeks in I was crazy in love with her. Then my ex-partner called me and begged me to come back. If I hadn't met the BPD I would have probably gone back to my ex (with whom as in your case we have a very civilised relationship and had closure). But the silver lining is that she helped me keep away from my previous relationship which was dragging on because of inertia. To come back to your question, I think you should give up your hope for any sort of closure with this person. It is a given. Unless if by closure you mean her calling you and you telling her that you don't want anything to do with her i.e. ego boost related closure. This could happen but aside that don't expect any sort of closure where two people sit down see what went wrong taking responsibility and depart in mutual appreciation. This is not to be expected. If my exBPD was able to do that then we would be in a relationship now as she wouldn't be BPD but a person with insight.

[Shell shock]

Thanks for your message. You are right that closure will always remain elusive. That is one of the hardest parts for me, and with time, it is something that I will grow to accept.