I'm finding this break-up so much harder than any I've ever been through before. I'm no stranger to breaking up with people - I have self-soothing habits that I know work for me and usually I get over things pretty quickly, but this is different.
I was just thinking - if it hadn't been for the intense love-bombing, if he'd just been a regular guy who I'd got on well with, enjoyed dates with, had good conversations with, and he'd devalued and discarded me in the way he eventually did a few months down the line, I'd have walked away that first time and never looked back. I'd have long forgotten him by now, except for thinking I'd dodged a bullet. I wouldn't have been so attached.
For me, I've narrowed this addiction down to the love-bombing. When he devalued and discarded me I was so devastated that someone who had thought so highly of me could now think of me so badly - I had a NEED to be validated, to gain forgiveness. And once I was in that loop and the love-bombing came again, it felt like things were back to normal but in reality I was becoming trauma-bonded.
So I don't think there was anything *extra special* about this relationship that is making it so hard to move on from, except for those brief periods of intensity. Yeah I liked him a lot - he was my best friend for a while but I can say that about a lot of my previous partners. So if that's the case, what do I need to do to loosen those bonds created by those intense moments?
What was different about this r/s was indeed the intensity. The love bombing of course acted like an intoxicant. Who doesn't want to be loved that way. The intensity of the pBPD to latch on and cling to their idealized partner-absent parent is incredibly hypnotic.
What's more, is the effort they put into reading their partner. Their entirely genuine ability to mirror fully. To literally become the soulmate, the twin flame.
Another unique aspect of the r/s is their frantic efforts to avoid "losing" us. This is where a healthier partner withdraws and puts up a firm boundary. When it begins to feel a bit too fairy talish and too much too soon
pBPD's don't do boundaries. I attempted greatly to withdraw and put up mine at this stage and my expBPD worked night and day to convince me otherwise. This was combined with a very real emotional neediness that I found to be gentle and vulnerable and very believable. So I continued to believe this was all very, very real.
The hard part about these r/s is that the higher they put you on the pedestal during idealization, the harder they will crash you to the ground in devaluation. And it occurs almost overnight. Out of no where.
Then they take us on the emotional roller coaster of our lives and abruptly withdrawn, dissociate and erase us, and become detached protectors.
All of that and much more form a trauma bond.
No other r/s was like this. I felt beholden of his emotional health and well being while my own faltered.
How you detach fully and move on is to continue to learn about the disorder. Depersonalize much. Stay NC. Gain support here, therapy, friends when you feel weak. Personal inventory, which is the most vital step. And, firmer boundaries always moving forward.
