I am still hurting to the max.

[Samuel S.]

How many of you have BPDs who are so busy with their lives, that they do not have time for most relatives and most friends? How many of you have BPDs use this excuse not to be close, because they probably do not want to be hurt and/or are so selfish? How many of you who are in this situation are told by your BPDs about how busy they are on a regular basis so that there are minimal amounts of times in which you relate to one another?

Well, I find myself as the lonely nonBPDh. My BPDw works part-time and is now intensely studying to possibly change her career in about 3 or 4 years from now. BTW, her 1st husband did precisely what she is doing now. She continuously complained to him about his going to work during the day and attending church and professional meetings at night and during weekends. BTW, while she wants to change careers, I do think unconsciously she is doing this to hurt me, because her 1st husband did that to her. When I reminded her of busy schedule to the exclusion of our relationship, she said: "Well, now, I know why he did it. He was focused on what he wanted to do." End of discussion. Bottom line, she is a hypocrite.

When I ask her to have quality time with her like going on a date, she is too busy. Yet, her D17 just about to become D18 and my BPDw are going to spend a full day together on her birthday having brunch, a massage, and a spa. Meantime, while I respect their need to have Mom and daughter time especially since D17 is about to leave for college, my BPDw does not respect our need to have a relationship, a marriage.

In an earlier post, I mentioned about being tempted by another woman and resisting temptation. While I am still going to resist temptation of another woman because I have loved my BPDw, I am questioning whether or not it is reciprocal, that she really loves me, that she really does not care anymore.

Weekends are hard for me, because I encounter her and her poisonous, abusive words. That is why it takes a good day or more to get over her words. Granted, boundaries are important, and I have done my best to protect myself from her words; however, I have been weakened tremendously so over the years. Someone responded on this website that I have been abused. Yes, I have been.

I apologize for these random thoughts, but the only thing that is keeping me alive for today anyway is a reunion this evening, which I am going by myself and enjoy it, because my BPDw is too busy with her studies. Also, she even avoids her family of her mother, sisters, and brother. So, while I see her pattern of behavior, I am still hurting to the max.

[KateCat]

Yes, I do think it is elder abuse, Samuel, given the age difference between you and your wife. And specifically of the financial variety, for the most part.

If you're not ready to leave yet, you might want to be very attentive to how things change when your step daughter leaves for college. (Is that next year?)

[enlighten me]

Just a thought.

My exgf always accussed me of running away. This confused me as apart from going to work abroad I was always there for her while she on the other hand had her busy schedule of visiting friends and family.

I realised after the split that it was her running away. The fact that she hardly spent any time with me yet accussed me of not making time for her I now realise was because I triggered her. The more time in my company the worse she was. At first I blamed me. It must be me because she's only like this with me. I now believe its because of the feelings of guilt/ shame that I evoked in her. She knew she wasn't treating me well and that I didn't deserve her projecting onto me her fears and anger. I also believe she cheated on me and so that was always hanging over her head.

Perhaps the fact your wife is being so busy is because of this. She doesn't want to hurt you but when she's with you she cant help doing it. Now I don't know if it is a sign of empathy or whether by hurting you they feel more guilt/ shame which makes them feel bad but that's my slant on their behaviour.

[Samuel S.]

Today, my step-daughter had her 18th birthday. I worked. Both my BPDw and her now D18 had the day off. They celebrated this afternoon by getting a massage, going to a spa, and going to dinner. Granted, it was important for them to have their mother-daughter time. Yet, when it came to this evening, they went to dinner without me while I was available in order to celebrate with them.

They came back here. My BPDw immediately said that she is going to be busy again after asking a short "how was your day?" She then continued to get herself ready so that she will be gone for the next two days to take her classes. Her D18 was as cold as a fish, but that may be attributable to her hormones. I don't know, but what I do know is that I felt like a third wheel on a bicycle.

My BPDw hinted about doing something as a "family" or as a "couple" on Sunday, but I won't count on it. You see, her only day to study is Sunday.

Needless to say, I am heart broken. I did keep myself busy and enjoyed it, but I still feel this emptiness in my personal life.

Thank you for letting me vent! You people are the only ones who really know how I feel. My BPDw and her D18 are too into themselves to even care.

[enlighten me]

I feel your pain Samuel

My exgf used to leave me out of things all the time. Her brother had a fancy dress party for his birthday. At first I was invited with my two sons but as it got closer she made the plans without me. In the end when ever she mentioned it it was always about her and her children going and not me and mine aswell. My boys where disappointed and I was heartbroken. I ended up taking my boys away for the weekend to soften their disappointment.

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw informed me that since her now D18 is going away to college, that the two of them have a bunch of mixed emotions, that they are spending a lot of time together, such as celebrating her now D18's birthday with a massage, a spa, and a dinner together. While anyone can understand them feeling the way they do and for them wanting to devote time together like what they did for her birthday, my BPDw keeps on saying she is busy, whether it is with working part-time or with studying, that she has no time other remaining time for herself.

Yeah, I could radically accept this behavior in order to tolerate such avoidance and to justify her behavior. Yet, nothing has evolved as far as my so-called marriage or so-called relationship with my BPDw.

Yeah, I know that I am repeating myself, but the wounds and the hurts emotionally of the past with her verbal and emotional abuse plus her neglect during the last couple of years make me wonder really. That is why I am seriously thinking about changing parts of my will and my trust, because I see how artificial my BPDw really is.