Break up email I never sent

[freedom33]

Hi family,

Here's a break-up email I dag out from my mailbox that I wanted to share with the community. I wrote this to her a few months back, just before I broke up, but I never sent it to her. What's the purpose I thought. But now it's good to be going through the old stuff. I feel strong enough to do this. I also read a letter she sent to me in between honeymoon and being brought down from the pedestal. It was absolute fantasy land. I can see clearly now the OZ she was describing about us and I couldn't help laughing at points. Actually I am in a healthier place now and having regained my clarity means that reading through the all stuff reinforces my position that leaving was the right thing. I can't believe how I fell for it. I must have been completely intoxicated with oxytocin. Also I looked at some of her pictures - she has the Jack Nicholson shining look. Thank god I am out.

Dear xgf,

I feel bad, really bad. Even after loads of drinks tonight. I feel so hurt. So much pain in me. I hope one day you 'd understand what happened whether you receive this letter or not. The pain that I felt in this relationship was unimaginable. I felt deceived, manipulated, controlled and most importantly betrayed. I felt I was not heard, that my needs were not met. That your ears was there but the hearing was not, the eyes were open wide but the sight absent. The times that I expressed my feelings your response felt punishing and vindictive towards me or at best mirroring and patronising and that it was even wrong for me to express any sort of anger, hurt, hint of annoyance, grief and sadness. I started being fearful around you, lose myself and slowly start modifying my behaviour to avoid conflict and then my identity and sense of self eroded completely. In short lost myself.

Physically, this felt like a choking feeling to my throat and then as a real lower back pain that almost disabled me from walking. After I broke down, resentment started building up and then anger. After I came back to you from our month break-up, I started pushing back and then detaching from you. And then we got into a bloody vicious circle of arguments that only brought things closer to the precipice we just fell from.

I can wish things to have been different or better but at the end of the day and judging in retrospect from where I stand tonight despite the pain, things are ok. Pain taught me something. I need to pay respect to my feelings. Time to pay compassion to myself, give myself the things I denied to myself for so long and gave wholeheartedly to others, including yourself.

Time to take care of myself, be gentle with myself that you so wisely advised me to do many times after the incidences I felt betrayed and not heard by you. Interestingly enough, this contradiction, being advised by the person that you feel hurt by to be gentle and kind with yourself, was what brought me in even greater desperation and very close to madness but I will leave it there. I don't blame you. For some reason I chose a person that whether or not I could give everything to she couldn't ever give me what that I really needed from them in return. So that irrelevance brought things in perspective and taught me to learn to respect my needs and myself. So I thank you for that.

I wish you good night and good luck

[Loveofhislife]

Freedom--tonight I was seriously contemplating a similar exercise--I want to try the 3 letters method a counselor suggested to me. The first is a "come clean letter" from me to exbfBPD that I will never send; the second is my writing a letter to me from exbfBPD (in response to my initial letter); and the third would be the letter I would send to exbfBPD. Anyway, congratulations to you that you are feeling stronger and more clear. I pray I get there soon. Thanks for sharing.