Take them off the pedestal, too

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I realized tonight that I had taken her off the pedestal I had put her on. It wasn't a sudden thing. It wasn't because I'm disordered. It wasn't vengeful. It's not another illusion added to the list, it's a cancelling of many that had long been there. Not doing so had kept me stuck. Like I would never find someone better. Like she was still above me somehow. The truth is we're not even in the same reality. Keeping her up there on that pedestal isn't going to be the same umbrella it used to be. Not when it's part of the storm. There is a kind of esteem you can share that is effortless and natural, but this time wasn't it. I'm not saying she's way down in the opposite direction now. She's not my scapegoat or my nemesis. But through facing the facts, and my feelings, she's not the end-all be-all soul-mate I was thinking I was dreaming of. I see who she is more, and who I am. Finding I have taken her from the heights I held her helps me see we're both more free. How about you?

[myself]

I realized tonight that I had taken her off the pedestal I had put her on. It wasn't a sudden thing. It wasn't because I'm disordered. It wasn't vengeful. It's not another illusion added to the list, it's a cancelling of many that had long been there. Not doing so had kept me stuck. Like I would never find someone better. Like she was still above me somehow. The truth is we're not even in the same reality. Keeping her up there on that pedestal isn't going to be the same umbrella it used to be. Not when it's part of the storm. There is a kind of esteem you can share that is effortless and natural, but this time wasn't it. I'm not saying she's way down in the opposite direction now. She's not my scapegoat or my nemesis. But through facing the facts, and my feelings, she's not the end-all be-all soul-mate I was thinking I was dreaming of. I see who she is more, and who I am. Finding I have taken her from the heights I held her helps me see we're both more free. How about you?

[Loveofhislife]

Myself: thank you; beautifully expressed and it captures some of what I've been feeling the last 24 hours--the longing. But what am I longing for? What am I missing? It's why I wrote the topic "What I don't miss" yet I continue with this longing: a type of clinging and not letting go, I can only imagine I am clinging to an illusion: a chimera... .someone put above all others, especially me

[enlighten me]

I realised the other day that my exgf had been removed from the pedestal. We are still friends on FB so I see her green dot come on and she has a pattern that she follows with times of day that she logs on.

I used to get worked up (not much but a little bit) if she deviated from the pattern. The other day she deviated. I thought to myself "I wonder what she's up to". Then I said to myself who cares Im NFI. I then realised that the illusion of her had faded and I wasn't interested anymore.

Im sure there will be relapses of self doubt along the way but its another positive step on the road to indifference.

[Tibbles]

Great post Myself. I'm working through that process. I'm starting to realise he and I weren't such a great match, that as I find more confidence in what I do and don't like, there were things about the relationship and him I genuinely don't like. It's taken distance and time to see that. As you say - not in a nasty way, not in a scapegoat way, more in a looking at the relationship and observing it and seeing things clearer. I'm surprised how comfortable I am with acknowledging that there were things I didn't like, that he wasn't such a perfect match for me.  I didn't think I had him on a pedestal but I did. I still get the longing Loveofhislife refers to, but I think that is a longing for the illusion I had in my head, not the reality.  Its surprises me where this journey, that I originally didn't want to go on (but I'm getting more comfortable with)  takes me.