Addicted to Love

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

"... People get addicted to personality disordered people, having problems getting out of and separating from abusive, high conflict, relationships.  Emotionally they can't let go, they find reasons to rescue, excuse, and rationalize living with the abuse to destructive ends.  It turns out bad to a lot of people.  Why is it happening?

People tend to repeat what happened to them in childhood.  They unconsciously recreate being attracted to people that is similar to the parent who had a deficit and recreate the parental bond and seek to get what they did not get when they were growing up.  

What they are seeking to get is a corrective outcome.  They want the love, acceptance and validation they didn't get growing up.  They're looking for their parent to finally respect them and treat them with kindness that never happened when they were growing up, but they keep going back to the same source.  Why won't they realize that, "Hey, you're not getting your needs met, maybe some body else would be a good idea?"

It's is an addiction.  One of the main obstacles is obsession. Addicts are obsessed with a drug.  That's all they could think of.  It dominates their thoughts even in early recovery quite a bit for quite some time.  There's something called a post acute withdrawl syndrome and lasts for a long time.  It's like a drug addict talking themselves to going to a crack house and rationalize themselves back in, in spite of all the evidence.  This is the same level of addiction, who can't let go.  I get it, there's still loss, even loosing an abuser.  But if you can't fill that hole with something else, you're in trouble.  You'll need this time for the poison to leave your system, to get out of the fog (fear obligation and guilt).  Get a sponsor, when you're compelled to call him, reach out to someone else, a friend or sponsor, go the the gym, ride your bike, DON'T Call him.  

And if you have abuse in childhood you have grieve work to do, to mourn the loss of the parent that you wish you had, heal from that, realize that it wasn't your fault and start loving yourself to not tolerate this kind of treatment from anyone.  

If you're looking at the addiction model to look at this, you're going to have to get the addiction substance out of your system which means doing the relationship version of cold turkey which is no contact.  It feels like you're going to die, or you're overwhelmed with feelings of fear,guilt and obligation because you feel you can't survive without him, but yes you can.  Maybe not well at first, but you were functioning before you met this person.  This is something we call the narcissism of codependent:  Many codependents think "i'm strong enough to take the abuse, and I can handle the abuse.  If only you can figure out the right behaviors, or figure out what to say, and crack the code and love the person well and ride off in the sunset together.  That is a defense mechanism you had to develop as a child because mom & dad were both crazy, and believing that made you have a sense that you had some control over the abuse that you experienced as a child.  BUT, you are an adult now, and you have agency now that you didn't have as a kid.  And you don't have to put up with this crap anymore.  You don't deserve the abuse and you're parent's abuse.  Taking it doesn't make you worthy of love, rather, it makes you a target for abuse.  There's nothing deep, or mysterious or complex about it.  This person has issues, serious issues, that often times they don't think they have a problem.  Suffering their abuse won't get you brownie points that someday they'll stop.  You don't have the answers.  You arn't Supershink, and hanging in there doesn't mean you don't have character, but what's the purpose? Strength is the ability to recognize this person is not good for you and to walk away, run away.  You need as much help as they do.  

... .You're grieving the loss.  Look, it can be really painful walking away, letting go of that fantasy that you want him to give you the love you want.  You can feel better, but first you're going to hurt a lot, and breaking this habit and letting this go is going to very painful.  You had an abuse history in childhood, but you can have a healthy relationship. You can meet a person who's not going to be a predator and abuse you, and treat you like garbage, like you're his own half dead mouse toy, ok? But first you're going to have to care enough about yourself to not tolerate that.

Then you got to do some self archeology, to figure out how you got to where you are.  Clean those wounds out.  And then you need to come to terms when you are ready to start dating again, dating a healthy stable person is not going to feel the same way.  It might not feel exciting at first.  You might not feel that strong magnetic pull.  That's a good thing, by the way.  Most likely means the person isn't a predator, abusive, or crazy.  Because the absent of that magnetism means that you're not on the precipice of replaying your past misery.  

Then figure out a new identity in relationships.  A healthy person doesn't need to save you.  You might think, what do they want from me?  Are they going to take advantage of me?  That's the problem.  You have VALUE.  A healthy person is going to want you for you, because he's attracted to you physically, mentally, emotionally, not because of what you can do for him or what he needs from you.  So you're going to have to find a new identity, rather than doormat or server, whipping post.  And then your're going to have to get accustomed to being treated well.  I know that sounds crazy, but when you've been with crazy for so long, being treated with consistent love, kindness, and respect is going to really be weird and uncomfortable.  But, if you could ride out that discomfort, being treated well is going to be your new normal...  And when you encounter one of these predators and they show their fangs, it's going to feel bad, and you're going to get the hell out of there.  

You have much more value that serving some man and take care of them, a healthy man won't want you to serve and control them anyway.  He'll loose interest quickly and read it very quickly, people with agency want their own autonomy, and they want to fix their own problems and they don't want to be controlled by someone else puppetering them.  When you find wounded birds, you're also seeking control.  And you're using somebody to fill an empty part of yourself that doesn't have any self worth, so that you could feel good about yourself.  That's why you were susceptible to the love bombing.  "You're so amazing, I've never met anyone like you!"  That's idealizing, objectifying, and conditional.  That's a red flag.  It's too good to be true.  


Realize that it wasn't your fault and start loving yourself to not tolerate this kind of treatment from anyone."

-YouTube:  Paul Elam- Going Mental:  You might as well face it, You're addicted to Borderline


I've changed some of the talk to fit my situation, but you get the point.  Hope this helps.

dharmagems

[dharmagems]

"... People get addicted to personality disordered people, having problems getting out of and separating from abusive, high conflict, relationships.  Emotionally they can't let go, they find reasons to rescue, excuse, and rationalize living with the abuse to destructive ends.  It turns out bad to a lot of people.  Why is it happening?

People tend to repeat what happened to them in childhood.  They unconsciously recreate being attracted to people that is similar to the parent who had a deficit and recreate the parental bond and seek to get what they did not get when they were growing up.  

What they are seeking to get is a corrective outcome.  They want the love, acceptance and validation they didn't get growing up.  They're looking for their parent to finally respect them and treat them with kindness that never happened when they were growing up, but they keep going back to the same source.  Why won't they realize that, "Hey, you're not getting your needs met, maybe some body else would be a good idea?"

It's is an addiction.  One of the main obstacles is obsession. Addicts are obsessed with a drug.  That's all they could think of.  It dominates their thoughts even in early recovery quite a bit for quite some time.  There's something called a post acute withdrawl syndrome and lasts for a long time.  It's like a drug addict talking themselves to going to a crack house and rationalize themselves back in, in spite of all the evidence.  This is the same level of addiction, who can't let go.  I get it, there's still loss, even loosing an abuser.  But if you can't fill that hole with something else, you're in trouble.  You'll need this time for the poison to leave your system, to get out of the fog (fear obligation and guilt).  Get a sponsor, when you're compelled to call him, reach out to someone else, a friend or sponsor, go the the gym, ride your bike, DON'T Call him.  

And if you have abuse in childhood you have grieve work to do, to mourn the loss of the parent that you wish you had, heal from that, realize that it wasn't your fault and start loving yourself to not tolerate this kind of treatment from anyone.  

If you're looking at the addiction model to look at this, you're going to have to get the addiction substance out of your system which means doing the relationship version of cold turkey which is no contact.  It feels like you're going to die, or you're overwhelmed with feelings of fear,guilt and obligation because you feel you can't survive without him, but yes you can.  Maybe not well at first, but you were functioning before you met this person.  This is something we call the narcissism of codependent:  Many codependents think "i'm strong enough to take the abuse, and I can handle the abuse.  If only you can figure out the right behaviors, or figure out what to say, and crack the code and love the person well and ride off in the sunset together.  That is a defense mechanism you had to develop as a child because mom & dad were both crazy, and believing that made you have a sense that you had some control over the abuse that you experienced as a child.  BUT, you are an adult now, and you have agency now that you didn't have as a kid.  And you don't have to put up with this crap anymore.  You don't deserve the abuse and you're parent's abuse.  Taking it doesn't make you worthy of love, rather, it makes you a target for abuse.  There's nothing deep, or mysterious or complex about it.  This person has issues, serious issues, that often times they don't think they have a problem.  Suffering their abuse won't get you brownie points that someday they'll stop.  You don't have the answers.  You arn't Supershink, and hanging in there doesn't mean you don't have character, but what's the purpose? Strength is the ability to recognize this person is not good for you and to walk away, run away.  You need as much help as they do.  

... .You're grieving the loss.  Look, it can be really painful walking away, letting go of that fantasy that you want him to give you the love you want.  You can feel better, but first you're going to hurt a lot, and breaking this habit and letting this go is going to very painful.  You had an abuse history in childhood, but you can have a healthy relationship. You can meet a person who's not going to be a predator and abuse you, and treat you like garbage, like you're his own half dead mouse toy, ok? But first you're going to have to care enough about yourself to not tolerate that.

Then you got to do some self archeology, to figure out how you got to where you are.  Clean those wounds out.  And then you need to come to terms when you are ready to start dating again, dating a healthy stable person is not going to feel the same way.  It might not feel exciting at first.  You might not feel that strong magnetic pull.  That's a good thing, by the way.  Most likely means the person isn't a predator, abusive, or crazy.  Because the absent of that magnetism means that you're not on the precipice of replaying your past misery.  

Then figure out a new identity in relationships.  A healthy person doesn't need to save you.  You might think, what do they want from me?  Are they going to take advantage of me?  That's the problem.  You have VALUE.  A healthy person is going to want you for you, because he's attracted to you physically, mentally, emotionally, not because of what you can do for him or what he needs from you.  So you're going to have to find a new identity, rather than doormat or server, whipping post.  And then your're going to have to get accustomed to being treated well.  I know that sounds crazy, but when you've been with crazy for so long, being treated with consistent love, kindness, and respect is going to really be weird and uncomfortable.  But, if you could ride out that discomfort, being treated well is going to be your new normal...  And when you encounter one of these predators and they show their fangs, it's going to feel bad, and you're going to get the hell out of there.  

You have much more value that serving some man and take care of them, a healthy man won't want you to serve and control them anyway.  He'll loose interest quickly and read it very quickly, people with agency want their own autonomy, and they want to fix their own problems and they don't want to be controlled by someone else puppetering them.  When you find wounded birds, you're also seeking control.  And you're using somebody to fill an empty part of yourself that doesn't have any self worth, so that you could feel good about yourself.  That's why you were susceptible to the love bombing.  "You're so amazing, I've never met anyone like you!"  That's idealizing, objectifying, and conditional.  That's a red flag.  It's too good to be true.  


Realize that it wasn't your fault and start loving yourself to not tolerate this kind of treatment from anyone."

-YouTube:  Paul Elam- Going Mental:  You might as well face it, You're addicted to Borderline


I've changed some of the talk to fit my situation, but you get the point.  Hope this helps.

dharmagems