I ran into my ex last night, and I am proud of my reaction.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So, I hope this story might serve as a way to uplift those of you who might be somewhere in the stages of processing a break up.

It has been two months since I heard from my ex, who, to make a long story short, begged me to open up and make myself completely vulnerable, pledged her undying love for me, and then cheated on me at an orgy. At first, I was completely crushed, but, through therapy, talking with friends, this board, and self improvement, I have really been feeling good about myself and my life. Last night I went out with a couple of friends to play pool. The bar was basically empty, and, with no one to socialize with, we decided to head over to a mutual friend's house to hang out. To my surprise, when we arrive my ex's car is sitting in their drive way. My friend, knowing how crushed I was, gets out of his car and comes to me asking, "Is that R*****e's car?" I nodded. He said we should leave. For a moment, my heart was telling me I wasn't going to handle it well, but then I said to myself, "I am a powerful, amazing dude, and I can do anything I want."

We walked up the stairs to the porch, and there she was, sitting there with wine glass in hand. I looked at her and said "hello". She diverted her gaze and uttered something like a hello. I was immensely pleased that there was no gut wrenching feeling, no urge to talk her into loving me, no will to cry. When we went inside her and our mutual friend followed. I happily (not fake) said my hellos to everyone and began chatting amongst the group of 7. In my mind, I acknowledged that she once was my "lover", my "everything", and then remembered that she wasn't "really" any of that. I remembered that she was mirroring me, that she lied to me, that, despite her telling me she wanted to be my wife and have my children, to have a career... .she wasn't truly that. She only wanted me to believe that in order to perpetuate her control. With that, I was able to remain perfectly calm.

Conversation went on. Beers were drank. I spoke to her directly a few times. It was obvious that she was highly uncomfortable. She never made eye contact, even in the few times she did speak to me. I felt empathy for her. When I asked how school was going, I already knew the answer. I was told by another mutual friend that she dropped out on the first day of classes. Typical non committal BPD behavior. However, I wanted to see if she would lie. She did. "They going really well." She said it with a half cocked smile. Shame? Very likely.

It was hot, so I took off my jacket. Luckily, I was wearing a sleeveless workout shirt since I hadn't planned on going out that night. I've been running and doing strength training 6 days a week, and it shows. I've lost 23 pounds and have been stacking on muscle. My arms are visibly toned now, and I'm in the best shape of my life. From the corner of my eye I caught her looking at my body a couple of times. A mutual friend commented on my weight loss, and I was all to happy to add, "Thank you! I can run really far now too! I am also doing well in all my classes." I can't lie. It was a spear aimed right at her. Pride? Yup. I wanted her to see that I'm better off without her; that I can finally pursue my own life now that I am not constantly chasing after a butterfly with no object constancy. And, yeah, I flexed a little bit

When it was all said and done, after the awkward silence from her, a woman who rarely shuts her trap, a woman who is always rambling about something she "read in a book" (which in the 3 years we were together, I never saw her do), after the diverted gazes, the genuine display on contentedness from me... .It was time to say good bye. I shook hands with the hosts and thanked them for the beer and hospitality, and then turned to face her. I looked her in the eyes. I wanted her to see the light had returned to them after three years of being gas lighted, emotionally abuse, and confused. I wanted her to look into my soul and see that I was free and happy. I wanted her to know that I was "me" again, and not some fool being dragged around like an emotional marionette... .I reached out my hand, and said, "Well, Rose, it was good seeing you, and i'm glad to hear you're doing well." Her response, "I don't think I want to do that." No handshake.

My response: "That's not very mature." Then I turned and walked away. "Have a good night all.", I said to everyone.

In closing, I AM THE MAN! I AM WOOFHOUND! MY SPIRIT ANIMAL IS THE WOOFHOUND, A KIND AND POWERFUL, LOYAL, BEAST. MY EYES ARE KIND, BUT MY RESOLVE IS STRONG! I WILL JUDGE OTHERS BY THEIR MORAL FIBER, AND I WILL NO LONGER STAND FOR THOSE THAT DO NOT MEET MY STANDARDS OR HAVE THE VALUES I DEEM NECCESSARY FOR FRIENDSHIP!

And you can all be the man too. You can all conquer the fear, obligation, and guilt. You too can step out of their delusion, and back into the dream. All you have to do is focus on YOURSELF, set goals for YOURSELF. We are all fighting a spiritual war, and whether you are staying or going, the answer lies in being ok with YOURSELF, because when you're ok with you, it doesn't matter what someone else is doing. When you separated your "need" to have someone, there is no disappointment.

NOW! Open your front door and let out your battle cry!

Sorry, was that over the top a bit? 

[woofhound]

So, I hope this story might serve as a way to uplift those of you who might be somewhere in the stages of processing a break up.

It has been two months since I heard from my ex, who, to make a long story short, begged me to open up and make myself completely vulnerable, pledged her undying love for me, and then cheated on me at an orgy. At first, I was completely crushed, but, through therapy, talking with friends, this board, and self improvement, I have really been feeling good about myself and my life. Last night I went out with a couple of friends to play pool. The bar was basically empty, and, with no one to socialize with, we decided to head over to a mutual friend's house to hang out. To my surprise, when we arrive my ex's car is sitting in their drive way. My friend, knowing how crushed I was, gets out of his car and comes to me asking, "Is that R*****e's car?" I nodded. He said we should leave. For a moment, my heart was telling me I wasn't going to handle it well, but then I said to myself, "I am a powerful, amazing dude, and I can do anything I want."

We walked up the stairs to the porch, and there she was, sitting there with wine glass in hand. I looked at her and said "hello". She diverted her gaze and uttered something like a hello. I was immensely pleased that there was no gut wrenching feeling, no urge to talk her into loving me, no will to cry. When we went inside her and our mutual friend followed. I happily (not fake) said my hellos to everyone and began chatting amongst the group of 7. In my mind, I acknowledged that she once was my "lover", my "everything", and then remembered that she wasn't "really" any of that. I remembered that she was mirroring me, that she lied to me, that, despite her telling me she wanted to be my wife and have my children, to have a career... .she wasn't truly that. She only wanted me to believe that in order to perpetuate her control. With that, I was able to remain perfectly calm.

Conversation went on. Beers were drank. I spoke to her directly a few times. It was obvious that she was highly uncomfortable. She never made eye contact, even in the few times she did speak to me. I felt empathy for her. When I asked how school was going, I already knew the answer. I was told by another mutual friend that she dropped out on the first day of classes. Typical non committal BPD behavior. However, I wanted to see if she would lie. She did. "They going really well." She said it with a half cocked smile. Shame? Very likely.

It was hot, so I took off my jacket. Luckily, I was wearing a sleeveless workout shirt since I hadn't planned on going out that night. I've been running and doing strength training 6 days a week, and it shows. I've lost 23 pounds and have been stacking on muscle. My arms are visibly toned now, and I'm in the best shape of my life. From the corner of my eye I caught her looking at my body a couple of times. A mutual friend commented on my weight loss, and I was all to happy to add, "Thank you! I can run really far now too! I am also doing well in all my classes." I can't lie. It was a spear aimed right at her. Pride? Yup. I wanted her to see that I'm better off without her; that I can finally pursue my own life now that I am not constantly chasing after a butterfly with no object constancy. And, yeah, I flexed a little bit

When it was all said and done, after the awkward silence from her, a woman who rarely shuts her trap, a woman who is always rambling about something she "read in a book" (which in the 3 years we were together, I never saw her do), after the diverted gazes, the genuine display on contentedness from me... .It was time to say good bye. I shook hands with the hosts and thanked them for the beer and hospitality, and then turned to face her. I looked her in the eyes. I wanted her to see the light had returned to them after three years of being gas lighted, emotionally abuse, and confused. I wanted her to look into my soul and see that I was free and happy. I wanted her to know that I was "me" again, and not some fool being dragged around like an emotional marionette... .I reached out my hand, and said, "Well, Rose, it was good seeing you, and i'm glad to hear you're doing well." Her response, "I don't think I want to do that." No handshake.

My response: "That's not very mature." Then I turned and walked away. "Have a good night all.", I said to everyone.

In closing, I AM THE MAN! I AM WOOFHOUND! MY SPIRIT ANIMAL IS THE WOOFHOUND, A KIND AND POWERFUL, LOYAL, BEAST. MY EYES ARE KIND, BUT MY RESOLVE IS STRONG! I WILL JUDGE OTHERS BY THEIR MORAL FIBER, AND I WILL NO LONGER STAND FOR THOSE THAT DO NOT MEET MY STANDARDS OR HAVE THE VALUES I DEEM NECCESSARY FOR FRIENDSHIP!

And you can all be the man too. You can all conquer the fear, obligation, and guilt. You too can step out of their delusion, and back into the dream. All you have to do is focus on YOURSELF, set goals for YOURSELF. We are all fighting a spiritual war, and whether you are staying or going, the answer lies in being ok with YOURSELF, because when you're ok with you, it doesn't matter what someone else is doing. When you separated your "need" to have someone, there is no disappointment.

NOW! Open your front door and let out your battle cry!

Sorry, was that over the top a bit? 

[amigo]

Hi woofhound,

This was awesome! I am at a similar stage in the breakup as you are, and I am aware that I might run into my BPD exbf sooner or later, and I love your description of your interaction. It's ok to flex those arms a bit, you worked hard for them 

I am so proud of you, and the mantra of your spirit animal is beautiful!

Your inspirational words of perseverance will sustain me through this day 

[maric]

http://www.[size=10pt][size=10pt][size=10pt][size=10pt][b]KUDOS![/b][/size][/size][/size][/size]

 

[Hawk Ridge]

Thank you so much - i love how you tied it in with the lack of need.  It was just what I needec to read.  Thank you!

[woofhound]

Thank you all for your replies!

When I woke up this morning I felt so good. I've been running every day after work. Before today 2 miles without stopping was my best, but today, with the endorphins still running thick, I pushed it all the way to three!

I am far more powerful than I ever gave myself credit for while I was with her! You guys are too. You may not realize it yet, but through quiet reflection and mastery of the art of karate, lo, we shall rise and make the buggers' eyes water! (tied in some Pink Floyd lyrics there at the end) 

[willtimeheal]

Way to go Woofhound!  Let me hear you roar!

[Compassion14]

Lol. Love it. Well done you Woofhound. You did yourself justice and you made me smile. Thankyou.

I rejoined the gym this week and look forward to fine turning my body into the happy body it was before 730 day of non stop anxiety and unnecessary stress brought to my door by my ex's unsolvable issues.

I look forward to feeling as sexy as I always did before I sacrificed too big a chunk of my inner peace for him.

Thankfully not too much to shave off and tone up but it'll make me feel great to get back to where I was.

Go you! Thanks for sharing and inspiring. :-)

[camuse]

Fantastic! You did well, such a great story. She couldn't even be civil towards you. What a sad character.

So many of us end up working out after our r/s ends, and looking better than ever. Seems to be one of the upsides of this nightmare

[Tolou]

aawwwwwwwoo!

good for you and handling it like a mature adult. loved the way you told her "that's not very mature“ kudos to you!

[woofhound]

Fantastic! You did well, such a great story. She couldn't even be civil towards you. What a sad character.

So many of us end up working out after our r/s ends, and looking better than ever. Seems to be one of the upsides of this nightmare

Another big upside, possibly the biggest, is that I have come to realize that I have my own issues with being dependent on someone else. As a result, I've begun analyzing my thoughts and responses to things, and, in doing so, I find that I catch myself nearly making mistakes that I've made before just in time to stop them... .

Ya know, despite the terrible pain I went through, I really have to say, this may have been the best thing that's ever happened to me. Being emotionally battered has ultimately helped me grow in my understanding of not only myself, but human interaction and relationships.

[Infern0]

I'm glad that you got some sort of closure for yourself now. Just do yourself a favor if you run into her again, just leave it be, no flexing to get a reaction, no letting her know how well you are doing. It's not necessary at this stage. It can become an unhealthy cycle if you aren't careful. And if you don't catch your own actions then you could end up back in murky waters.

Indifference.  If you are truly over it,  indifference is how you should feel.

[woofhound]

I'm glad that you got some sort of closure for yourself now. Just do yourself a favor if you run into her again, just leave it be, no flexing to get a reaction, no letting her know how well you are doing. It's not necessary at this stage. It can become an unhealthy cycle if you aren't careful. And if you don't catch your own actions then you could end up back in murky waters.

Indifference.  If you are truly over it,  indifference is how you should feel.

I appreciate your concern. It's all a journey I suppose, but currently I am embracing the fact that I am over her, and that I don't need her. Sure indifference... .but, feeling in control of my emotions... .way better than indifference. She is a lesson learned.

In many ways, I am indifferent. When I first heard she had quit school, my white knight complex went into over drive, but as I go along and reflect on the fact that she is not the person who she insisted she was, the person I always knew she wasn't but chose not to believe, the more I understand that it didn't matter how hard I tried.

And, yeah, maybe you're right. Maybe I should've been "indifferent", but, damn it felt good to be in control of my emotions. It felt soo good to be able to rock n roll and be not concerned in the least with how it made her feel. For each of us the goal is different. For you: indifference. For me: self control. Either way, in achieving one, I believe we also achieve the other.

[Rifka]

What a fantastic step you took and faced BPD right in the face, instead of turning around and leaving!

I loved reading it and felt so great hearing what a calm, well mannered gentleman you were.

I loved your confidence and your guts!

This is totally all about us, our confidence and self esteem.

You slated the dragon with kindness and thoughtful thinking!

Cheers to you!

Rifka

I love reading success stories here!

[SpringInMyStep]

Yay you! That's an awesome thing and it does give us all hope that we can overcome this.