My brothers uBPD wife is pregnant

[Youcantfoolme]

So I just got news today, via various family members, that my brothers uBPD wife is pregnant! I want to throw up! I have worked VERY hard during the past few weeks to not think about the horrible situation and to just focus on my life and the many positive aspects of it. Every time I seem start healing from all the pain she's caused, I get slapped in the face with it again. I know this sounds horrible but I am finding it very hard to be happy for him. He has missed an entire year of my sons life because of his wife and the horrible decisions he has made because of her. However, being pregnant, doesn't erase that fact that she's a horrible person. It doesn't erase all the damage she's done. It's doesn't instantly qualify her as a saint. I know this sounds cruel and heartless but I've just been so badly hurt, it's the only way I can feel.

I am unfortunately, going to see them next weekend at a family function. I don't even know what to do. I know the rest of my family is going to criticize me because I didn't congratulate him but why should I? He didn't even personally inform me about the pregnancy. I made him the god father of my son and he hasn't paid me or my son any mind for the past year. In the past year he saw my son two seperate times and only interacted with him for a minute, tops, and that was while his wife was in the bathroom. I can't feel excitement or happiness for him. I thnk having a child with this girl, is going to be one of the biggest mistakes he's ever made. This poor baby is going to be used as leverage against him when she isn't getting her way. It's just another way to control him more than she already does.

It is going to be an incredibly awkward day for me. I almost don't want to go but I know I will be sorry if I don't.

[Kwamina]

Hi Youcantfoolme,

So I just got news today, via various family members, that my brothers uBPD wife is pregnant! I want to throw up! I have worked VERY hard during the past few weeks to not think about the horrible situation and to just focus on my life and the many positive aspects of it. Every time I seem start healing from all the pain she's caused, I get slapped in the face with it again. I know this sounds horrible but I am finding it very hard to be happy for him. He has missed an entire year of my sons life because of his wife and the horrible decisions he has made because of her.

I'm sorry the news of your brother's wife being pregnangt has affected you so much. Considering how difficult your relationship with your brother has become, I do understand your reaction though.

However, being pregnant, doesn't erase that fact that she's a horrible person. It doesn't erase all the damage she's done. It's doesn't instantly qualify her as a saint. I know this sounds cruel and heartless but I've just been so badly hurt, it's the only way I can feel.

You say you heard about the pregnancy via family members. How did they bring the news to you? Did anyone of them indicate that your brother's wife should be viewed and/or treated differently now by you?

I am unfortunately, going to see them next weekend at a family function. I don't even know what to do. I know the rest of my family is going to criticize me because I didn't congratulate him but why should I? He didn't even personally inform me about the pregnancy. I made him the god father of my son and he hasn't paid me or my son any mind for the past year.

Family functions can be difficult. I've been NC with my brother for 5 years now but last week he unexpectedly showed up at our mother's birthday party. First time I had seen him and spoken to him in 5 years. I was polite, said hi when he came in and bye when he left but didn't have any further conversations with him at all. Family functions, can be quite stressful, especially since other family members might not quite understand what's really going on or are unwilling to acknowledge it. Fortunately we do have some options though and if you really don't feel up to it, not going could also be something you could consider. What kind of family function is it?

I can't feel excitement or happiness for him. I thnk having a child with this girl, is going to be one of the biggest mistakes he's ever made. This poor baby is going to be used as leverage against him when she isn't getting her way. It's just another way to control him more than she already does.

Perhaps you're right but it's his mistake to make. It isn't easy seeing our loved ones make life choices we don't agree with, but it's his life and he has to take responsibility for it. BPD parents unfortunately often do have manipulative tendencies so the scenario you describe could indeed become reality but you never know for certain, it could also work out differently.

It is going to be an incredibly awkward day for me. I almost don't want to go but I know I will be sorry if I don't.

Do you feel like you would be sorry for not going because this would be used against you by your brother and his wife? Or because of how your other family members would view and react to your decision?

[Youcantfoolme]

Hi Youcantfoolme,

So I just got news today, via various family members, that my brothers uBPD wife is pregnant! I want to throw up! I have worked VERY hard during the past few weeks to not think about the horrible situation and to just focus on my life and the many positive aspects of it. Every time I seem start healing from all the pain she's caused, I get slapped in the face with it again. I know this sounds horrible but I am finding it very hard to be happy for him. He has missed an entire year of my sons life because of his wife and the horrible decisions he has made because of her.

I'm sorry the news of your brother's wife being pregnangt has affected you so much. Considering how difficult your relationship with your brother has become, I do understand your reaction though.

However, being pregnant, doesn't erase that fact that she's a horrible person. It doesn't erase all the damage she's done. It's doesn't instantly qualify her as a saint. I know this sounds cruel and heartless but I've just been so badly hurt, it's the only way I can feel.

You say you heard about the pregnancy via family members. How did they bring the news to you? Did anyone of them indicate that your brother's wife should be viewed and/or treated differently now by you?

I am unfortunately, going to see them next weekend at a family function. I don't even know what to do. I know the rest of my family is going to criticize me because I didn't congratulate him but why should I? He didn't even personally inform me about the pregnancy. I made him the god father of my son and he hasn't paid me or my son any mind for the past year.

Family functions can be difficult. I've been NC with my brother for 5 years now but last week he unexpectedly showed up at our mother's birthday party. First time I had seen him and spoken to him in 5 years. I was polite, said hi when he came in and bye when he left but didn't have any further conversations with him at all. Family functions, can be quite stressful, especially since other family members might not quite understand what's really going on or are unwilling to acknowledge it. Fortunately we do have some options though and if you really don't feel up to it, not going could also be something you could consider. What kind of family function is it?

I can't feel excitement or happiness for him. I thnk having a child with this girl, is going to be one of the biggest mistakes he's ever made. This poor baby is going to be used as leverage against him when she isn't getting her way. It's just another way to control him more than she already does.

Perhaps you're right but it's his mistake to make. It isn't easy seeing our loved ones make life choices we don't agree with, but it's his life and he has to take responsibility for it. BPD parents unfortunately often do have manipulative tendencies so the scenario you describe could indeed become reality but you never know for certain, it could also work out differently.

It is going to be an incredibly awkward day for me. I almost don't want to go but I know I will be sorry if I don't.

Do you feel like you would be sorry for not going because this would be used against you by your brother and his wife? Or because of how your other family members would view and react to your decision?

Luckily the news was brought to me by the few people who know the whole story and already know what my reaction would be. One being my mom. She feels very much the same way I do but also feels a sense of obligation to "act" happy for him. At the same time, she absolutely understands my position and my feelings and 100% supports me. I have gotten into a few "arguments" with some of my extending family regarding my relationship with my brother. Some of them think I should just act fake and support my brother and love him unconditionally. They also don't know all of the details. My brother has showed nothing but total disregard for me and my mother. He threw me under the bus and then hopped in to run me over. Why must I show unconditional love when he doesn't?

It's our grandmothers 85th birthday. I will feel personally sorry for not going because I don't know how much longer she will be around. I don't want to skip it but at the very same time, I don't know if I can handle watching my family act fake and happy for this girl who has caused so much undue stress and drama in my life. I don't think I've ever had such ill feelings towards another human being as I do for her. I know this is my brothers life and his mistakes to make. I just feel like I don't have to support her. My family seems to think a baby changes the fact that he's completely disregarded my feelings and my son for the past year.

[Kwamina]

Hi again Youcantfoolme

It's our grandmothers 85th birthday. I will feel personally sorry for not going because I don't know how much longer she will be around. I don't want to skip it but at the very same time, I don't know if I can handle watching my family act fake and happy for this girl who has caused so much undue stress and drama in my life. I don't think I've ever had such ill feelings towards another human being as I do for her. I know this is my brothers life and his mistakes to make. I just feel like I don't have to support her. My family seems to think a baby changes the fact that he's completely disregarded my feelings and my son for the past year.

Since it's your grandmother's 85th birthday I understand why you would really wanna be there, I would too. If you decide to go and considering it's quite likely that you'll see your brother and his wife there, it perhaps could help to mentally prepare yourself a bit for some likely scenarios that could play out. Maybe you could (re)read some stuff we have here about boundaries and how to defend them. No matter what they say or do my advice would be to try to not take it personally, I am aware though that not taking it personally can be hard when it comes from your own brother and his wife. Something that might help keep you calm is what we call 'Wisemind', also to help deal with watching the rest of your family act 'fake and happy'. You've already been a member for quite some time so it could be that you have already read the material about it, but even then I think it might help to take a look at it as you mentally prepare yourself for your grandmother's birthday:

Triggering and WiseMind

It never hurts to be prepared  Good luck and I hope you'll have some enjoyable moments with your grandmother!

[jdtm]

When our ex-uBPD DIL was pregnant, she was happy and behaved "normally".  Whether this was due to the increased hormones in her body or not, or whether she was revered/catered to or not, or she whether felt relieved of responsibility for the present and embracing the future or not, or whatever; she was far easier to be around.  Perhaps this "condition " might also be affecting your SIL; if so, then the party for your grandmother might be rather enjoyable.  Our exDIL was pregnant twice - those were the only months that I felt that I could interact with her without trepidation and we had some semblance of "family".  When the babies came; all hell broke loose (too much responsibility, I guess).  Anyway, just an observation ... .

[Youcantfoolme]

Thank you for the Links! I appreciate them and will take a look at them. We are complete NC so I am really not expecting them to say anything to me, my husband or my son. They will just ignore us and pretend we aren't there. Last party, I tried to sit down at the table behind them to eat and as soon as I did, his wife grabbed him and her daughter and they walked away to the opposite side of the yard! I said hello to her daughter because I just don't have the heart to be mean to ignore a kid.

Lol and I wish that my brothers wife would catch the happy sister in law bug but I just don't see it happening, she's far too Narcissistic and has too much of a high conflict personality to EVER let her facade down.