Success Literature, Values, and Feelings

[workinprogress]

I hope that this topic is acceptable for these forums.

Growing up with BPD parents, I found that most of my approval and acceptance from my parents was based on my performance.

I had to participate in every sport and activity.  I was expected to be the best in everything.  The pressure on me as a kid was tremendous, and it eventually burned me out in my teens. 

I found myself grinding out my childhood/teen years going from one activity and sport to another.  I lived on performance adrenalin.

I recall being so tired at times, and just sucking it up and continuing on.  I learned a lot about determination then.  I learned to shut down my needs and feelings and summoning the strength to carry on.

The few times I tried to speak up to my parents about being tired they reacted badly.  I was told that I was lazy.  I was told about other kids who did the same activities that I did.  I think the difference was, these other kids did these things because they wanted to, I was forced to do them.

Well, I left home fairly early and I had no means or resources to make it.  I worked at whatever jobs I could find while going to school full time.  It was very difficult.  I would work until 2am and go to classes at 8 in the morning.

I still found myself exhausted, but I put my health and needs aside and focused on the objectives.

Once I graduated I was a stranger to myself.  Here I was, a man who worked his tail off in school/life, and I had no clue who I was or what I wanted.  I did marry my BPD wife right after college graduation and I felt that it was essential that I provide a good life for her.  So, I still didn't get much of a break.

At that time, I started reading a lot of success literature.  Since I didn't know what I wanted I had to find a way to succeed.  It was very helpful, but it lacked something.  Something that I will cover later.

I learned all about optimism, self-talk, and working hard.  I learned about focus and goal setting.  I also learned a great deal about confidence and public speaking.

As I had, they were very helpful.

Most of these books lacked something though.  What they lacked was the discussion of values.  The book, "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" did cover these and it was perhaps the first time in my life that I had heard of such things.

My dad tended to lie to me to manipulate.  There were no discussions about values or life lessons growing up.  It was all about me being a better athlete than Johnny down the street.

I now at age 47, realize that I lived most of my life being driven to succeed.  I have tried to live a moral life without it being the core of my being.  I also lived my life based on feelings and image.  Unlike the commercial says, image is nothing.

Image and temporary feelings are empty vessels and are not sustainable. 

I recall as a youth listening to music and my favorite songs to jump start me and get me psyched up for the day or the big game.  Life became a constant flow of adrenalin, which is also impossible to sustain.


With my marriage sputtering and me finding myself having panic attacks, I began to dig a little deeper into myself.  I dug a little deeper into literature.  I started discovering that life can be based on values.  It was essential to establish these values within yourself.  It gives you a center for your life that fleeting emotions and image cannot give you.

I have found reading the Bible is great for this.

Also, reading older books based on living a good life can help.  I would go to second hand shops and found a couple of books from the late 1800's and found them to be fantastic.

They were "Self-Government" by J. Edmondson, and "Improvement of the Mind," by Isaac Watts.

I began to realize that I neglected my health terribly by working so many hours for so many years.  I neglected my soul and my spiritual well being.

Instead of eating right and sleeping I fueled myself with caffeine.  Instead of resting and "sharpening the saw" I worked longer hours to please my parents and my wife.  Meanwhile, no matter how many hours I worked my wife still demanded that I needed to make more money.

When I would want affection from her she would tell me that "money is what matters."  Of course, she denies all of this now.


I would say after the many years of self denial, overwork, and over focus in my life, I have learned about the necessity of basing my life on values as opposed to image or feelings.  Image and feelings are fleeting ghosts.

Values will provide a good foundation for a life of peace, love, and wholeness.

[Turkish]

Hi workinprogress,

It sounds like a great breakthrough to find yourself centered around your own values which you are discovering, rather than around the expectations of others. The latter seems so empty, no? If I had to ask one question (and I'm plagiarizing the same question my T asked me), what do you do for you?

[workinprogress]

Hi workinprogress,

It sounds like a great breakthrough to find yourself centered around your own values which you are discovering, rather than around the expectations of others. The latter seems so empty, no? If I had to ask one question (and I'm plagiarizing the same question my T asked me), what do you do for you?

I'm working on that.

[workinprogress]

Turkish, in all honesty, I don't want to do anything.

I have been so busy my whole life, that I just want to sit and stare at the wall.

I know that's sort of anticlimactic, but I'm tired.

[workinprogress]

I was scouring some of the other posts on here... .and I realized that I don't need to do anything.

What I really want to do is to have some fun.  I want to be carefree for a little while.

Even if it is only for a weekend.

[Turkish]

Turkish, in all honesty, I don't want to do anything.

I have been so busy my whole life, that I just want to sit and stare at the wall.

I know that's sort of anticlimactic, but I'm tired.

workinprogress, when my T asked me this question, I felt like the curious dog turning his head. I knew what he meant, but asked him what he meant. For years, I worked hard, terrified that I would end up dirt poor and indigent as I was in some of my childhood.

Last weekend, I put off the yardwork, made a token clean up of the house (harder now, even with the kids halftime, everything falls on me), saw a movie. Went for a motocycle ride. Came home and watched netflix for a number of hours. I even got off my "job" here for a while to relax. I felt a little nervous in all of this, like I was playing hookey, but it was ok. We all need time to reset, even if it's staring at the wall or moving pictures on a screen. I mostly slept in until almost 9, the first time in 5 years, though I did naturally awake in the predawn hours, as is my habit.

I'm sorry that you had to deal with Tiger Parents. My BPD mom can still be devaluing, but I was never pushed like that, at least overtly (I did start working young, but it was a way for me to escape control).

It's hard to break life-long conditioning, but the fact that you are hear demonstrates... .workinprogress  

[vre]

Have you encountered William James in your reading? He's one of my favorites from the late 19th/ early 20th century authors.

The Gospel of Relaxation:

www.uky.edu/~eushe2/Pajares/jgospel.html

On a Certain Blindness in Human Beings

www.uky.edu/~eushe2/Pajares/jcertain.html

What Makes a Life Significant?

www.uky.edu/~eushe2/Pajares/jsignificant.html

[workinprogress]

Have you encountered William James in your reading? He's one of my favorites from the late 19th/ early 20th century authors.

The Gospel of Relaxation:

www.uky.edu/~eushe2/Pajares/jgospel.html

On a Certain Blindness in Human Beings

www.uky.edu/~eushe2/Pajares/jcertain.html

What Makes a Life Significant?

www.uky.edu/~eushe2/Pajares/jsignificant.html

Thanks.  I've read a lot of his quotes.  I will check all of this out.