oh man I didn't want to end up here (possible recycle)

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi,  I never posted on this board before.

If you know my story from other parts of the site my BPDEX abandoned me when I told her I loved her and went to this druggie guy and then tried to friendzone me. I resisted the friendzone and got painted black,  verbally abused,  blocked and generally destroyed.

I then found out that she has BPD but had no contact with her for a while.

Recently she has broken NC and I have ignored her but she's pushing quite hard.  She told me before she never wanted to speak to me again,  hates me etc. Now she is asking why I won't respond to her and why I hate her and she just wants to talk.

So I don't know,  does this seem like a recycle attempt?  Or leading to one, it seems like she's putting the feelers out,  maybe things didn't work out with the replacement.

Her messages are cagey,  just that she wants to talk, but this all has me so confused.  I am considering responding but I don't know what to do.  I feel it's all futile but maybe I should try.  I still love her despite what I say and would like to try and make it work, especially since I now know that she has BPD and there are tools and support resources for me, but. ... .

Any advice?

[Infern0]

Hi,  I never posted on this board before.

If you know my story from other parts of the site my BPDEX abandoned me when I told her I loved her and went to this druggie guy and then tried to friendzone me. I resisted the friendzone and got painted black,  verbally abused,  blocked and generally destroyed.

I then found out that she has BPD but had no contact with her for a while.

Recently she has broken NC and I have ignored her but she's pushing quite hard.  She told me before she never wanted to speak to me again,  hates me etc. Now she is asking why I won't respond to her and why I hate her and she just wants to talk.

So I don't know,  does this seem like a recycle attempt?  Or leading to one, it seems like she's putting the feelers out,  maybe things didn't work out with the replacement.

Her messages are cagey,  just that she wants to talk, but this all has me so confused.  I am considering responding but I don't know what to do.  I feel it's all futile but maybe I should try.  I still love her despite what I say and would like to try and make it work, especially since I now know that she has BPD and there are tools and support resources for me, but. ... .

Any advice?

[enlighten me]

My ex wife asked me if we could talk. Im LC with her. When we did it was about her new husband. How moody he was and all the usual stuff when the honeymoon period is over. She also went on to how she missed me, missed having her best friend etc etc. Yes Im painted white again but not falling for it. We are over. Im never going back there and its not a struggle. Im not fighting inner urges so its a lot easier for me.

She will probably be testing the water to see where she stands.

A word of warning though. No matter what you think you know about BPD will not be enough to help her. If she isn't self aware that she has it or is aware but not wanting to improve then you will slowly but surely slip back down the rabbit hole. Im a fairly confident and intelligent man and 10 minutes in the company of my exgf has me doubting myself.

[Infern0]

It's really ___ty because some information has come to light and her life is going pretty badly at the moment well, even worse than usual I should say. She's close to rock bottom imo.

Want to reach out and just offer some help or advice to her even but I know she'll just deny anything is wrong like always and probably use the opportunity to verbally attack me again.

Hmmmm no win either way really is there

[enlighten me]

That's a tough one. Its only when they reach rock bottom that they realise something is wrong. If your going to offer help (which could be dangerous as Im sure your aware) you need to do it from a detached point of view. Offer advice but don't get involved. Set boundaries and stick to them.

[goldylamont]

no Infern0 while in some cases i could see someone needing some sort of closure with the ex, if you respond you are going to be rewarding her for breaking your boundaries. her contacting you is normal. and while you may be wanting a recycle her needs are probably completely different. this woman doesn't in the least sound like she is on her way to recovery. you will not help her. you will enable her disorder further by interacting with her.  i know it's really tough. don't beat up on yourself for having these mixed feelings. it's tough and sometimes you are weak. but understand your motives behind wanting to offer 'help' in reality may be tied to the fantasy of her making a recovery and you resuming the relationship. she is who she is, always has been. if her current situation is dire she is a survivor and will work it out on her own with no need to drag you further down.

[Infern0]

no Infern0 while in some cases i could see someone needing some sort of closure with the ex, if you respond you are going to be rewarding her for breaking your boundaries. her contacting you is normal. and while you may be wanting a recycle her needs are probably completely different. this woman doesn't in the least sound like she is on her way to recovery. you will not help her. you will enable her disorder further by interacting with her.  i know it's really tough. don't beat up on yourself for having these mixed feelings. it's tough and sometimes you are weak. but understand your motives behind wanting to offer 'help' in reality may be tied to the fantasy of her making a recovery and you resuming the relationship. she is who she is, always has been. if her current situation is dire she is a survivor and will work it out on her own with no need to drag you further down.

Oh don't worry. She's begun a recycle with a guy from a couple of years ago. She's fine, she's doing her thing.

Disgusted

[JohnLove]

Not surprised you feel that way.

Saddened.    :'(

[Rockylove]

 


I feel for you.  Knowing that she has BPD is great... .is she in therapy? 

Only you can decide if you're strong enough at this point to make contact.  She may regret the break-up and want to reunite, but you'll never know if you don't talk.  Perhaps meeting for lunch in a (not too private) restaurant would give you chance to hear what she has to say.  At least you can control the time you spend with her and hopefully there won't be any scenes because you'll be in public.