Dealing with meddling family and the pwBPD

[meerkat1]

I have always had issues with my family being difficult to deal with. They are perpetual planners and very pushy about it. Constantly nagging about the plans they are making and how to fit us in. They start this planning of things by trying to coordinate dates, times, what food to bring, who will be there, how to make it so everyone can come, and on and on. About every two weeks there is something that the 'family' wants to plan. This whole 'dance' happens quite often and puts my BPDw in undue pressure and stress. I work very hard to keep her 'out of the know' to avoid the pressure, stress, and the accompanying meltdowns, but just can't always do it.

At one point I told my mother not to ever call me again unless she can talk about something other than making plans. The plans are too stressful for me and my family to deal with. The reality being my wife can't handle it and thereby makes everyone else's life miserable over it. My mother did not talk to me for over a month that time. And then slowly over time she kept chiseling away til she was only making plans again. She is very sneaky and manipulative. That was several years ago. Still going on today. We have primarily just accepted it. My BPDw has accepted it(sometimes), but still occasionally stresses her out.

So my mom is right back at it today. Planning a picnic so that it coincides with my birthday. Very over functioning. I am just so sick of dealing with this and I really can't think straight anymore. I have no idea how to respond right now, nor can I even think of a way to approach my BPDw, or talk to her about it. I know this one will send her over the edge. And we have been on a roll for the last couple of weeks.

I just want to scream at my mom to just leave me and family the f' alone already!

They do not know my wife has BPD, my wife would be furious if they did, and they have no idea the misery and stress I deal with every single day with a BPDw.

I can still practice acceptance, but that does not help me in a response. If I don't respond, she will start calling the my cell, the house, leave messages, and more emails.

I am too mad to even respond right now. I just want to scream. But the pressure is already stirring, cause what ever she is planning is in two weeks and she will have to know if we can make it on the day and time she is thinking, so that she can coordinate the other 50 people.

This crap ruins every holiday and birthday. I wish there was just a way to deal with this without going beserk at my mom and the whole rest of my extended family.

I can't tell her what is going on in my house and BPDw, without betraying my wife.

I can't talk to my wife about it.

I can't call my mom and tell her to leave me alone without hurting her.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[vortex of confusion]

Who is more important to you? Your wife or your mother? I am not saying that to be flip. Are you in a FOG about your mother and FOO?

I know that there was a period of time when my mother in law would nitpick everyone and everything to the point of insanity. She would constantly nag my husband about his weight and whether or not he was going to church. She seemed to have something negative to say more often than not. At one point, I got so sick and tired of her harassing my husband (her son) that I told her off and we didn't talk to each other for a year. I basically rescued my husband from his own mother because he simply could not do it. I am sharing this story because it might help you see that you need to stand up to your mother for your wife's sake. Yes, it will create hard feelings but, at some point, you need to be able to set boundaries with people, including your mother. It is sometimes easier to see that we are in a FOG and have poor boundaries with our spouse but not always as easy to see it with our FOO because that is how we were raised and what we are used to doing.

BPD aside, it is very hurtful for a partner to continually choose his family of origin over his spouse and put the spouse in a position where he/she is subjected to family stuff even if he/she does not want to deal with it.

[Mono No Aware]

BTDT - and I can tell you from personal experience that you're close to screaming because you are actually cutting yourself off from your own family's support. Listen man, we need all the support we can get!

I would recommend calling a Top Secret Adults Only Family Meeting, without your wife knowing anything about it it - hey it's not betrayal, it's a necessary part of loving her and Staying & Improving!

I did mine over the phone because living out of state.

Lead off the meeting by explaining some facts:

1) You love your wife and are committed to her.

2) You love your family and are committed to them.

3) Your wife has a mental disorder called Borderline Personality Disorder that makes her behave very badly with respect to the family, and this causes you MUCH suffering.

4) Call upon your family to support you in your quest to Stay & Improve. Swear them to silence (my gossip-prone mom & sister take this very hard... .) and beg them to give you some space. Not just Mom, but the whole clan. This way Mom can't bend the rules because everyone is present to agree to supporting you.

If you pull it off you will have some badly-needed support. It worked for me, I nearly always feel better when I can vent to my family or even just laugh with them about how my mom's generic and random Facebook post about yoga pants & wine was twisted into a snide personal attack by my wife's Disorder. Yes, my mom continually tries to plan visits (she's only seen the toddler once) but once I lay down the BPD card she backs off.

Good luck and keep us posted!

[meerkat1]

VOC - It is interesting to hear you say I am choosing my family over my wife. Only my wife has ever said that to me before, and it has been many years since. How exactly am I choosing my family over my wife? We tried to set boundaries. Boundaries that were slowly over stepped. As a family, my wife and I, decided that they are simply too old and stuck in their ways to enforce those boundaries and change. Additionally, my mom is getting a little 'loopy', for lack of a better word. We try to accept them as they are. However, your statement seems so black and white.

In this case I am just having a much better time with my wife, and the planning could not come at a worse time based on that. I am just pissed off to have to deal with it at all. If I had a normal wife, would not be difficult at all. We could discuss it rationally.

Mono - thanks for the advice, I have thought of that before. However, I just don't trust any part of my family that they could keep their mouth shut for even a minute. I am not ashamed or anything. I am working hard to improve things. I just can't risk that getting back to her. And there is basis of fact for not trusting them.

Additionally, my family has never been a source of support for me. Quite frankly, they are too busy planning for the next birthday party to be supportive, no kidding.

[vortex of confusion]

VOC - It is interesting to hear you say I am choosing my family over my wife. Only my wife has ever said that to me before, and it has been many years since. How exactly am I choosing my family over my wife? We tried to set boundaries. Boundaries that were slowly over stepped. As a family, my wife and I, decided that they are simply too old and stuck in their ways to enforce those boundaries and change. Additionally, my mom is getting a little 'loopy', for lack of a better word. We try to accept them as they are. However, your statement seems so black and white.

In this case I am just having a much better time with my wife, and the planning could not come at a worse time based on that. I am just pissed off to have to deal with it at all. If I had a normal wife, would not be difficult at all. We could discuss it rationally.

I was simply trying to offer some perspective. That is probably how your wife is feeling. I understand how difficult it is to deal with this. I have had the same issues with my husband and my family. I do all of the dealing with my family and he does all of the dealing with his family.

I guess I am confused by the fact that you have stated that you can't or won't stick to boundaries with your family. Yes, BPD is a very difficult thing to deal with but that does not mean that everything is your wife's fault. The statement "if I had a normal wife, would not be difficult at all" has a lot of blame in it. The issues with your wife and your family could be related to the BPD but it could also be normal stuff that people deal with when married. I am trying to help you see both sides. Sure, your wife's behavior may not be normal but I don't think your mother's behavior is normal either. Anybody that continual tramples over other people's boundaries has a problem. So, you are having to deal with two people (your mother and your wife) that have issues.

Also, how can you and your wife decide together if she is not capable of having a rational conversation about it. Those two statement seem contradictory. Again, I am not trying to be a jerk. I have had to do stuff with my family without my husband because he gets so uptight around them. Plus, most of the time when I am with my family, I am trying to get support. It is very possible to find ways to keep in touch with your family without participating in the big family shindigs all the time.

[formflier]

 

Vortex is right on the money.

Step 1... .try to find some time to calmly think through priorities.

Step 2... .Realize you Mom likes to plan... that is not going to change... .you should not even try to change what or who she is.

Step 3... .She can make her plans... you can make yours.  As long as you don't agree to her plans... .and then back out... .there is no rational reason for her to be upset.  Let that be her problem... .not yours.

DON't JADE with her either... .just let her know and move along.

FOO stuff seems like a sideshow.  You have limited energy... .don't let FOO sap that energy.  Focus your energy on your wife... .keep that momentum going in the right direction!