BPD Sister Confronted her about Lying

[Leelou]

Hi guys, been missing for a while... .I am now being asked to adopt my sisters children.  Been working through the emotions.  Am I setting myself up for another drama session, are they better to be adopted?  Away from her?  Or am being too hard, I should look after her children as they are my family?  I visited with social services to talk through the process.  The emotional turmoil was horrific.  I don't want the authorities digging around in my life!  But I don't want the children to suffer.

Anyhow, I let my sister know about my visit as I felt she should know I.e. I replied to one of her messages, (I've been NC for years, apart from a couple of family events). WOW it started ok but then it degenerated, and I am very afraid I actually lost my cool with her for the first time ever.  I was mad!  Really mad seeing all her lies about my father (she has accused him of sexual abuse).

I had enough, of seeing these lies, I had enough of her false reality

I told her I had researched her condition, I knew she changed reality, feelings matching facts, and she was lying.  I told her that her story of abuse kept on changing.  I knew she was lying.  She tried to rally and say dad had done things to me too, my childhood wasn't perfect... .I was not accepting her twisted reality anymore.  I told her that social services had told me that she has to stop drinking to get her kids back, not just "cut down".  Go look in the mirror, look at yourself, stop drinking, stop blaming everyone but yourself.  You caused this... .argh!

Do you know what?  I feel better.  I have always pussy footed around her because of the suicide thing, because of BPD, because of the threats to self harm, she has concocted this whole web of lies because we were too scared of the consequences if we said this is not true!

I have no reply to the final message but I don't care

She is not sending anymore messages to me full of lies

I think the NC worked, then she felt I was back in her corner, but the real truth has hit her and I have had no response from her

She has a alcohol group, cbt group and counselling so I know she has support now.  But any other people out there had success with this approach? - boy have I set some boundaries now, but enough already  

[Harri]

Hi Leelou! 

I think it is wonderful that you stood up for yourself and said No More!  Tiptoeing around and walking on eggshells does not work and often only serves to increase the dysfunction while making us crazy and sick with stress and turmoil.  So good for you!  It took me a long time to realize that those eggshells we all walk on at one point with our BPD family members are placed there by us, not them.  We tie ourselves up into knots scared to say the wrong thing and set them off.  The fact is, they are going to be set off no matter what we do.  Granted, some ways of saying what we have to say are better or more dignified than others   , but (!) after years of being beaten down and scared, we probably will lose our cool and yell a bit.  I don't have a problem with that.  You were not calling her nasty names or being verbally abusive.  You were direct and honest with her.  This right here is excellent:   

Go look in the mirror, look at yourself, stop drinking, stop blaming everyone but yourself.  You caused this... .argh!

Maybe just maybe, she might actually get something out of it.  For sure, she is not going to change if everyone around her keeps doing the same old stuff and scattering eggshells all over the place.  Those little suckers have a tendency to spread around and they hurt too! 

So I always think it is a good thing to speak up and say no, stop, I will not tolerate, etc.  You ask if others have had success with that strategy and I will say that I have tho I think I define success differently that many of the people here.  Being direct was the only thing that worked for my mother and more recently with a friend I am no longer in contact with.  Setting limits with my mom did take me losing my temper, sometimes yelling, especially at first.  Years of suppressed anger and hurt came bubbling to the surface and I let my mother have it, though I never did tell her I thought she had BPD.  Not because I was afraid to but because it would not have served any useful purpose for my situation.   I am not advocating yelling and certainly not raging but I am saying that it is understandable if it comes out that way and sometimes we just have to do what we have to do and learn from it.  In the moment, we do what we must and later on we can reassess and see what, if any changes need to be made or how we could have handled it better.

Once my mother saw that I was not going to do the same old thing with her and that I was finished being her punching bag, she mostly stopped trying to push my buttons.  It took about a good two years of limited contact with me speaking out, telling her off, to stop, walking out on her, etc before there was significant change.  Over time, it was almost easy to be around her though I never completely relaxed, I felt better about me and I knew I could handle things.  Most of the anxiety and tension went away.

So, I think you did a great job taking care of you!  We need to stand up for ourselves and stop doing the same things over and over.  We may feel mean doing it for the first few times, but is it mean to be honest and direct?  I don't think so.  We can work on what we say and how we say it later if we need to.  Lately I have had that movie Network on my mind a lot, specifically where Howard Beale is doing his "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take this any more".  So rather than thinking you may have lost your cool, reframe it and think of it as going all Howard Beale.  (if you have not seen the movie, google that phrase and watch the clip on youtube!)   

I wish you the very best as you make a decision about what to do re: adopting the kids.  I hope you keep us posted on your situation. 

[Leelou]

Harri

I cried reading your reply, thank you so much for your time and your supporting reply

I have written so many replies to you but they were so long.  I need to reflect and probably will answer certain points as I think about them.  But boy this condition - it really takes someone like you who has experienced it to understand.  I thank you for your reply every word that you have said is true, line by line.

I feel free, after 30+ years of dealing with my younger sister I have never, ever lost my cool with her! I have always tried to be rational, that has been mine and our failure as a family.

I got a rational text from my sister 2 days ago.  Behaving nice and on a decent level, so may be we have all been facilitators in this decline.  She has moved to a new rental ON HER OWN with no drama, she just wanted me to tell mom, manipulative, yes, maybe.  NC is instigated again.  I hope, she gets well, I hope, we will see.  

I hope, but I have the band of steel around myself, still, i just hope she gets it, doesn't loose her kids, I hope.

I pray she gets well, but I can never entirely close the door.  

Once again thanks for your reply  

Hi Leelou!  

I think it is wonderful that you stood up for yourself and said No More!  Tiptoeing around and walking on eggshells does not work and often only serves to increase the dysfunction while making us crazy and sick with stress and turmoil.  So good for you!  It took me a long time to realize that those eggshells we all walk on at one point with our BPD family members are placed there by us, not them.  We tie ourselves up into knots scared to say the wrong thing and set them off.  The fact is, they are going to be set off no matter what we do.  Granted, some ways of saying what we have to say are better or more dignified than others   , but (!) after years of being beaten down and scared, we probably will lose our cool and yell a bit.  I don't have a problem with that.  You were not calling her nasty names or being verbally abusive.  You were direct and honest with her.  This right here is excellent:  

Go look in the mirror, look at yourself, stop drinking, stop blaming everyone but yourself.  You caused this... .argh!

Maybe just maybe, she might actually get something out of it.  For sure, she is not going to change if everyone around her keeps doing the same old stuff and scattering eggshells all over the place.  Those little suckers have a tendency to spread around and they hurt too!  

So I always think it is a good thing to speak up and say no, stop, I will not tolerate, etc.  You ask if others have had success with that strategy and I will say that I have tho I think I define success differently that many of the people here.  Being direct was the only thing that worked for my mother and more recently with a friend I am no longer in contact with.  Setting limits with my mom did take me losing my temper, sometimes yelling, especially at first.  Years of suppressed anger and hurt came bubbling to the surface and I let my mother have it, though I never did tell her I thought she had BPD.  Not because I was afraid to but because it would not have served any useful purpose for my situation.   I am not advocating yelling and certainly not raging but I am saying that it is understandable if it comes out that way and sometimes we just have to do what we have to do and learn from it.  In the moment, we do what we must and later on we can reassess and see what, if any changes need to be made or how we could have handled it better.

Once my mother saw that I was not going to do the same old thing with her and that I was finished being her punching bag, she mostly stopped trying to push my buttons.  It took about a good two years of limited contact with me speaking out, telling her off, to stop, walking out on her, etc before there was significant change.  Over time, it was almost easy to be around her though I never completely relaxed, I felt better about me and I knew I could handle things.  Most of the anxiety and tension went away.

So, I think you did a great job taking care of you!  We need to stand up for ourselves and stop doing the same things over and over.  We may feel mean doing it for the first few times, but is it mean to be honest and direct?  I don't think so.  We can work on what we say and how we say it later if we need to.  Lately I have had that movie Network on my mind a lot, specifically where Howard Beale is doing his "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take this any more".  So rather than thinking you may have lost your cool, reframe it and think of it as going all Howard Beale.  (if you have not seen the movie, google that phrase and watch the clip on youtube!)  

I wish you the very best as you make a decision about what to do re: adopting the kids.  I hope you keep us posted on your situation.  

[Harri]

Hi Leelou!  That is a fabulous update and the best possible outcome!  I am thrilled for you and your sister and I hope she can keep up the momentum for herself and her kids.  Maybe kick her around a little bit more when you are rested up... .No, I don't really mean that... .Oh okay, I half way do sort of mean that.   

Don't worry about replies, just take care of you.  You have a lot on your plate and this has to be a very stressful time for you.  It must also be exhausting.  Releasing all the anger and hurt and frustration takes a lot out of you, so no fretting about replies, long or short, just breathe.  post when you can so we can support you!

go easy on yourself about "facilitating the decline" as you put it.  I think some pwBPD hear when they are ready and some never hear it all.  Either way it is done, but now you have a new tool in the tool box to use.  Even if she had not had a positive response to your words, you still freed yourself from the anger and hurt and frustration.  Anything else is just icing.