Questions for uBPDbm to answer under oath

[Thunderstruck]

We're nearing the deadline for discovery in DH's custody case. The L wants to submit questions for uBPDbm to answer under oath (basically with either a "yes" "no" or "I don't have enough info to answer". Have any of you done this? What types of things were asked?

[Matt]

I went through depositions, and it was very helpful, but in your case I'm concerned... .

In my case, there was a specific reason to depose my wife:  She had made serious false accusations.  She had accused me of assault, among other things, and she was continuing to accuse me of stuff during the court case.  My lawyer, and my friends here, advised that the best way to prove she was making false statements* was to depose her, and ask a series of carefully-worded questions which would bring the truth to light.

We prepared carefully - I wrote a series of questions on each topic, and then my lawyer re-worded some of them and added others - so for each false statement my wife had made, we had an approach to make her put very specific statements on the record, which could easily be proved false, with evidence we already had or knew we could get.

That was the purpose of filing a motion to depose her, and paying the cost - several hours of my lawyers' time.  (Plus I was paying for my wife's lawyer too.)

In your case, what is the purpose of deposing your husband?  Has he made false statements that matter to the court?

* I say "false statements" not "lies", because I believe my wife believed a lot of what she was saying, even though it wasn't true and we could prove it.  I suspect that lots of people with BPD convince themselves of stuff, by telling themselves stories... .

[ForeverDad]

You would want to ask questions where the ex would be likely or inclined to lie, I mean 'answer falsely', to items, allegations or incidents you can later in court prove are false via documentation or solid testimony.

What are the core issues with the conflict?  Financial?  Custody?  Parenting?

In my case, we never dug too deeply into the financial issues.  I knew ex earned less than me so that wasn't in dispute.  She just happened to choose work categories where it could be hard to be employed full time.   And my lawyer said we didn't want to risk the case to be distorted into Dad Gasp Trying To Avoid Support For Children.  So here I am with custody in 2011, majority time since end of 2013 and magistrate saying there wasn't enough financial information to set an amount for ex to pay as non-primary parent.  (This despite twice before ex being 'imputed' with minimum wage when the parenting time schedule and CS were in her favor.)

For seeking custody, I demonstrated she had obstructed my parenting consistently.  One example the magistrate noted in the decision where she was 'not credible' - passive courtspeak for Liar! - was when I notified her of my vacation during my portion of time during Winter Break and she then demanded her holiday time (on the schedule but never before observed) for Kwanzaa.  Maybe she has African ancestry from many generations back, no one would know, but in testimony she said she could observe it even if she wasn't of Jewish descent.  Yes, she knew so little about it she confused it with Hanukkah.

For seeking majority time, I had testimony from the school where the teachers had incidents where she had been upset, yet the teachers tried to minimize it anyway.  Strangely, it seemed her living 20 miles away and having many tardies was the reason I got majority time during the school year.

But I didn't get majority time during the summer which I had thought was the stronger case.  Yet I had very compelling recordings of her trying to manipulate me and our child to her benefit.  One example was for an upcoming Independence Day holiday.  I would get off work early and I asked to pick him up as I passed by on my way home.  She refused saying he was with her.  So I went home and came back later to the exchange location but she never came.  So I called and she said he was in summer camp (elsewhere in the facility she worked at) and the order said I was to pick him up from there.  I said she had told me he was with her, not summer camp which had already ended anyway, so I called the police, got a report and missed time with my son.  So she manipulated where son was, if with her then she could refuse an early pickup, if in day care I was to get him.  There were also screaming incidents before and after I got to talk with my son on the phone.  Besides her being noted as "disparaging father in the child's presence" multiple times in the decision, that didn't result in a major change.  Go figure.

[Thunderstruck]

My DH is going for primary custody of SD9. There is no order and he and uBPDbm were never married. So the only issues are custody and child support.

uBPDbm has made allegations of drug use, kidnapping, and DH trying to break in (DV/RO for that one). In addition DCF has investigated DH for sexual abuse.

uBPDbm has been physically abusive against DH (arrested for battery once), alienating SD9 from DH, and just generally difficult with her rages and gatekeeping and badmouthing/brainwashing. SD9 has not been consistently completing hw, acts out at school, is not involved in any activities, and is home alone for four hours a day.

L is only looking to ask yes/no questions. I think this may be good, because uBPDbm has these "near lie" answers that can be bended depending on how the conversation goes. I guess that's gaslighting?

[walksoftly]

In Canada we file affidavits and we swear that they are true. The family court system is so busy the Judge doesnt have time to read them so an affidavit war ensues. She outright lied in many of them.

Questions should be leading as in leading to an answer you want her to state. Never ask a question you dont know the answer too. For example"

Is it true you were at your residence at 6:00 on July 8th?

Is it true that your husband was in the room?

Is it true that you hit your husband in the kitchen?

She said "no" and I submitted third party evidence that she did in fact hit me in the kitchen.

After that, her credibility went downhill.

[Matt]

So this is a very good list:

* False accusations of drug use

* False accusation of kidnapping

* False accusation of breaking in

* Mom's physical abuse of Dad

* Alienation

* Leaving S9 alone

* Inattention to S9's schoolwork

Some stuff you probably set aside if it's vague or hard to prove, like if she is "generally difficult".  Or some of those things might be shown by e-mails but difficult to bring out in depositions.

For each of these issues, you and your lawyer need to prepare a series of questions, asking specifically what happened, and focusing on what you can prove (later).  For example, ask her specifically why she accused Dad of drug use - what drugs she saw him use - where she saw him use those drugs - what she did about it at the time - etc.  Pin her down on details:  "How do you know that the pills you saw him take were illegal drugs and not prescription medication?"  "What color were the pills?"  "What did the label on the bottle say?" etc.

Under this kind of questioning, she will either just melt down completely, or she'll start making stuff up, and with more and more questions, it will be more and more obvious she's doing that.

Then, after depositions, you go over the transcript, and circle the statements that are easiest to disprove.  Gather evidence to prove those statements are false, and confront her attorney:  "If your client doesn't settle along lines we're OK with, we will go to trial, and put your client on the stand, and prove she made a number of false statements under oath, when she was deposed."  Her attorney will be ethically obligated to advise her client to settle, in order to avoid criminal liability - the risk of being found guilty of a crime (making false statements under oath).

Your lawyer may want Yes/No questions, because when someone is deposed, her attorney will advise her to give the shortest possible answers - don't elaborate.  If "Yes" or "No" or "I don't know" is true, just say that, and stop.  (That's what my attorney told me when I was deposed.)  But you can ask other factual questions, like, "When did Dad kidnap Son?  What year?  What date?  Where did it take place?  Did you see it?  Did anyone else see it?" etc.  Factual questions, not opinions or speculation.

You and your attorney should have a specific objective in mind for the deposition, or it's a big waste of money.  Your objective might be to catch her making false statements about these topics, and thus to destroy her credibilty, and force her to agree to a settlement you like.  All your questions should be chosen to pursue that strategy - challenge specific statements she has made - false accusations etc. - and specific things she has done - like physical abuse of your husband - and get her story on the record in enough detail that it can be proved false with evidence you either already have or can get.