Self Esteem & BPD/NPD Parents

[jmanvo2015]

Morning everyone 

I have something on my mind today that I would like your thoughts on.

   What have you done, or do you do, to raise your self esteem/self confidence in light of the damage done by BPD/NPD parents?

   

I have tried affirmations, reading books about self-esteem and even listening to hypnosis tapes.  They have all helped to one degree or another, but still I struggle each day to feel good about myself - to fight against the pervasive feelings of unhappiness and unworthiness.

I am in my forties and have recently moved back in with my BPD mother and NPD stepfather. While it might sound odd, in many ways this is a good thing because, where I am in my life now, I'm able to be objective under the circumstances and I can look at their behaviors and understand how it has affected my self esteem, yet I am also able to not react to it the way I did when I was younger (thank you BPD site for all the helpful advice about JADE, SET and validation).

For my entire life, my mother has run hot and cold with me.  She is either my biggest hero, or my biggest abuser.  Even when she is "helping" me she is always planting seeds of negativity and self doubt.  For example, I mentioned to her yesterday that I admired work a colleague did on a project and she responded, "Well, YOU could learn from her."  No matter what she says, there always seems to be a veiled putdown or insult.

As for my stepfather, I can't express enough the heartache this man has caused me, and is probably the reason why I can't find a good relationship with a good man.  He simply ignores me and when he's not ignoring me he makes negative insulting remarks that are seeming with resentment.  He simply despises me for no apparent reason than, I guess, I'm a block to him having my mother's complete, undivided attention.

Unfortunately, when I reconnected a few years back with my biological father, I discovered that my mother married the same NPD man twice.  My father is very self-absorbed and invited me to visit him and his fifth wife and then ignored me the entire time - spending almost all his time at the casino rather than with me.  He also acted resentful towards me and as though my presence disturbed him.

It's so hard to overcome the legacy of hurt and shame these people have caused me when I have almost no other family to turn to for support and affirmation.

Please, if you have struggled with similar issues affecting your self esteem, share with me and help me understand what you have done to overcome these negative messages.

Thank you! 

[MyLifeNow]

The thing that has made the biggest difference for me was rebelling against the negativity and pursuing the things that my father tried to tell me I couldn't do or achieve. That, and putting distance between us. My mom bailed out when I was 7 years old and after a couple years I became the new target for his negativity. Him being the way he was he never did find another long term relationship, so I grew up alone with that. For me it was just like you, either I was the kid who was perfect and could do no wrong or I was a useless kid who didn't even try. At report card time it was a complete roll of the dice as to whether I would get congratulations for getting so many A's, or a pile of abuse for the solitary B. Late in highschool it got to a point where between that and the bullying from kids who hated it when other people did well I just stopped trying, because it really didn't matter how well I did. Things still turned out the same. I did get into university though (barely), which was the only thing in my life that my dad was ever supportive of.

My first big act of defiance against the negativity was switching to a concurrent degree program so I could get a BA to go along with my BCS, because I loved my history classes and it was only an extra year to get the second degree. Dad was adamant that I should do a business degree concurrently instead of arts, and wouldn't listen when I told him no such concurrent program existed. He hounded me all summer over how it was a terrible idea, and even threatened to kick me out of the house over it. I stuck to my guns and, come graduation time, what did he do but congratulate me and tell people about how much he supported my decision, and how proud he was. I graduated into the biggest IT job slump ever, right after the dot-com crash, and there were no jobs to be had anywhere on the east coast. So I eventually decided that I was going to move in with my aunt in Vancouver and try to find a job there. Again, a never ending torrent of abuse about how I won't be able to cut it, how I should just take a crappy job at a call center near home, that I didn't find a job because I wasn't even trying etc etc. Once I finally moved to the other side of the country I had a lot less contact with him and I was able to start working on my life without this cloud hanging over me, casting doubt on everything I did. Over time I started to gain some confidence that, hey... .yeah... .I can do this. He tried to lash out at me in some underhanded ways during this time, though at the time I didn't really realize what was happening.

I eventually moved back east, though not close enough to have a ton of contact with him. I eventually found myself in a great job that basically proved him utterly wrong about every decision I've made. This was about the time I started to really understand what he was doing to me, because he would often tell me over the phone about how proud he was and glad he was that he supported me in all those decisions. Except that he didn't, and that made me start to really question the nature of our relationship and eventually resulted in me going to a therapist about 2 years ago. Which is when I learned about BPD. My last step in this process of reclaiming my self esteem was moving to Toronto (accomplished 2 weeks ago!), which is something I've been wanting to do for many years. Largely to be close to friends I went to school with. Dad's response when we talked about this was to tell me that they're not really my friends and I won't see them much, and I should just move to be close to him. So I eventually cut contact with him, arranged the move and didn't even tell him I was going. It was just going to result in more fights and put downs.

So I guess you could say what I did was work to prove him wrong about what he was telling me about myself and my relationships with other people. It wasn't easy, and it took a long time to get through each step because I didn't believe in myself. I had to get to a point where I felt so low that I knew I had to take a leap of faith and try to accomplish something that I wanted. Those times were scary, exciting and resulted in proof that I was capable.

[gentlestguardian]

What's worked best for me is NC. The further away I get from my BPD mother's voice and yo-yoing criticisms and adulations, the better I feel about myself. I can absolutely relate to your feeling of having no other family to lean on. I am an only child and my BPDm is my only living relative. But what I've come to realize is that I'm 100% mentally better off on my own than in contact with her. It's absolutely sick how I can still hear her voice in my head sometimes though. When that happens I start a dialogue with myself. I lay out all the facts that negate whatever criticism her voice is throwing at me and sometimes I even write the dialogue out on paper.  For the most part that dispels the low self-esteem for me. Also I've been using an app called Happify (they have a website too). I'm sure it sounds silly because it's an app but it has really helped me; it's basically a tool to build your self-esteem, relieve stress, and practice what makes you happy.

[jmanvo2015]

Thank you both for sharing your experiences 

I'm disappointed that more people didn't respond to this post - especially since I think self esteem must be something all children of BPD and NPD parents grapple with.

Does anyone know about other online forums where there is more activity/responses?

Thanks in advance   

[losthero]

I have found that listening to motivational speeches on you tube, reading positive articles about self esteem, and having low contact with my mom helps.  They say positive self talk is very good as well.   If you are spiritual then Joel Osteen and Joyce Meyer are very motivational speakers as well.   Try to surround yourself with positive energy, not sad,depressing things.   

[Turkish]

In the past, I shut down, and was avoidant. I threw myself into work, and coming from basically dirt, made something of myself. I unfortunately took some   into my r/s with my uBPDx (not to mention being attracted to a dysfunctional person in the first place... .our dysfunction was a perfect fit.

As for my mom, I concluded a long time ago that I don't take advice from people who haven't demonstrated proficiency in their own lives. I for sure don't take career advice from my mom. Even though I've been working in the same field for over 20 years, even two years ago, she was suggesting that I quit, go back to school, and do something different in my middle age. She's a career drop-out. I also don't take financial advice from her, since she has always been a "get rich quick" person, and every thing centered around that has failed for her.

I learned to take what worked, based upon my own values and what I have made work in my 25 years out of her house. I reject everything else and just kind of "shine her on," if she makes comments suggesting that I do this or that. I also learned to deflect her occasional comments on how I am raising the children, though those still trigger me. I know what I am doing, and when I make a mistake, I make a mistake. I don't trigger my inner shame. I think shame is the core of self-esteem or lack thereof.

[Harri]

Turkish wrote:

I think shame is the core of self-esteem or lack thereof.

That right there is one of the missing pieces to the puzzle called My Self on which I have been working!  Thank you Turkish!  You just turned on a lightbulb for me!  Now I just need to figure out where that pesky piece fits... .I can touch it now but I can't see it clearly and it sounds sort of indistinct.

Jman, perhaps there were not many responses because some of us are a bit clueless about this thing called self esteem.  I am one of those people who has a hard time understanding something without knowing what it looks like and sounds like.  I am not even sure what inner script I have that is specific to poor self esteem though I am quite sure my script is a long and detailed one.   

[gentlestguardian]

I think shame is the core of self-esteem or lack thereof.

I absolutely agree with that, and it reminded me of this: www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability. That video really got my self-esteem ball rolling, so to speak. I read one of her books afterward too (she has a website), and that also helped me a lot. I think what gives me the biggest boost is finding words and ways to describe my pain. Knowing there are terms for what I feel gives me great comfort and makes me feel less alone in my struggles.

[Turkish]

I think shame is the core of self-esteem or lack thereof.

I absolutely agree with that, and it reminded me of this: www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability. That video really got my self-esteem ball rolling, so to speak. I read one of her books afterward too (she has a website), and that also helped me a lot. I think what gives me the biggest boost is finding words and ways to describe my pain. Knowing there are terms for what I feel gives me great comfort and makes me feel less alone in my struggles.

A lot of members recommend Brene Brown. I downloaded one of her books from iTunes on the recommendation of a member, though I have yet to get to it.

Here is another thought: Since pwBPD feel a severe sense of shame at their cores which drives many of their behaviors, do you (or anyone) think that because of the lack of boundaries or enmeshment we experienced as children meant that their sense of shame became attached to us in various ways?

I know both my mom (obviously), and my uBPDx (more subtly) suffer from shame or severe deficits of self-esteem. To make themselves feel better, they either try to tear us down, or bring us into their own circle of shame so they don't feel alone. I mentioned some basic examples from my mom. My Ex would try to bring me into her circle of shame on not being a good parent. When the kids did something that kids do at a restaurant--- the owners love our kids, she was obviously triggered. She said, "I feel like we're bad parents!" I didn't buy into it, and talked her out of her shame spiral.

[Lise]

Please, if you have struggled with similar issues affecting your self esteem, share with me and help me understand what you have done to overcome these negative messages.

I wish I could tell you what I've done to overcome low self esteem ... .but the sad fact is that I haven't overcome it ... .yet. I'm still struggling and trying.

What's been a big help for me has been therapy. I was convinced that the critical voice in my head was correct, so I never had the nerve to tell anyone about my self esteem issues. In therapy I got up the courage to talk about it because my T was payed to be nice to me, and couldn't laugh at me and tell everyone about what a loser I was. (Yup, that's what I thought would happen  ).

My T convinced me to try to say some of the things out loud to other people, and to my surprise, no one has ever ridiculed me or treated me like a mad person. The common reaction is: "Yeah, I think that about myself too". This has really helped my self esteem, and I'm learning to be more honest to and about myself and learning that it is perfectly all right to be me, small steps at a time.

Also paying attention to the nasty things I say to myself, and reformulating them into compassionate, kind sentences in stead, has helped. When I'm not putting myself down all the time, I actually feel better about myself.

Self help books, movies and so forth can be a great help, but for me, I don't think I would've come as far as I have, if I hadn't summoned up the courage to seek professional help.

Best of luck to you ... .to all of you. 

[gentlestguardian]

Here is another thought: Since pwBPD feel a severe sense of shame at their cores which drives many of their behaviors, do you (or anyone) think that because of the lack of boundaries or enmeshment we experienced as children meant that their sense of shame became attached to us in various ways?

Yes, I personally do think that, and have seen it in my own behavior and friends' behavior who have similarly afflicted parent/s. I've been reading a lot about Russian history lately, and one of the authors wrote about how each generation passed its suffering down to the next generation; his words were, "it's in the blood." I think that concept can apply to any family or society really, but most certainly I think it applies to children of BPD parents. Almost daily I find I have fears about society that aren't my own, that I am recognizing to be BPDm's. Most of my own healing and recovery so far has been working on separating her desperate fears (she is a Hermit with some Witch and Waif tendencies) and negativity from the way I know reality really is. Identifying my own values and cementing the way I see the world from my own lenses has done a lot for my self-esteem too.

[Turkish]

Identifying my own values and cementing the way I see the world from my own lenses has done a lot for my self-esteem too.

I think that this is key. pwBPD define themselves by their attachments due to their inner emptiness. In a way, those of us who become "Rescuers" or co-dependents to an extreme, can also do so; defining our self-worth by doing instead of being.

Finding and defining one's core values goes a long way towards building that solid sense of self, rather than being tossed to and fro on the waves of life. It provides solidity and constancy which can lead to a more stable life.

[Harri]

Gentlestguardian, thank you for posting the link to that tedtalk (I am a bit addicted to them!).  That talk made me cry and laugh and cry some more.  I will be watching it again and visiting her website to explore.  

Turkish asked:  

Here is another thought: Since pwBPD feel a severe sense of shame at their cores which drives many of their behaviors, do you (or anyone) think that because of the lack of boundaries or enmeshment we experienced as children meant that their sense of shame became attached to us in various ways?

YES!  That is to say I do believe that and it is understandable given all the projecting they did and how they used us as their mirrors.  The parent-child bond is so strong and with parents like we had or have, who can't stand to see their own flaws and who fear the annihilation of Self and engage in a desperate struggle to save themselves while not knowing or embracing who they are, we do take on their shame.  Infants and children are perfect little sponges.  We have to be just to survive.  We come into this world programmed to look to our caretakers as our... .well, caretakers.  To see them as anything else, is a risk to our survival.  

Ummm... .so yeah.  What Turkish said.  I agree.