Letter I'm going to leave when moving out - Suggestions or edits

[fred6]

I know the letter kind of sounds like I'm trying to recycle my exBPD. On the contrary, I'm going(to try my best)to go NC when I leave. What I'm trying to do is stay somewhat friends with her in order to try to be in her children's life to some extent. I know that there is a risk here emotionally on my part. However, I'm going into this as if I've already lost them and don't really have any expectations. As far as exBPD goes, I would like to think that we could grab a burger and a beer or something every few months, but I'm 95% sure that isn't going to happen with her in the honeymoon of a rebound relationship with new supply. I know the letter will probably fall on deaf ears to her. The content in the letter is for her, but the letter itself is for me. She can't/won't communicate with me in person, but I have things that I have to say one way or another. I don just want to leave things the way they are when I leave here. Any suggestions always appreciated.

exBPD,

Since you won't really talk to me, I wanted to say a few things to you. I AM NOT trying to judge you, blame you, or "fix" our relationship. You may not even care about me or give a damn what I say or think . However, after three years together, I think that I need to say some things for some closure on my end. I hope you can process, believe, and accept what I have to say.

   

      Even though you say that I've done nothing to cause this, the first thing I want to say is that I’m sorry for whatever I did to make you give up on us and our relationship. I know that I have not been the best boyfriend in the world and I never will be. I have not always said or done the right things in your eyes. But also I know with all my heart, that I have ALWAYS had your and the kids best interests in my mind. I have never cheated on you or lied to you about anything of importance.  I don't think that I ever would have because you were too important to me. You have always had my commitment, loyalty, trust and respect. Even though it at times, it may not have always seemed like it to you.

     For a long time, I have known that you have deep rooted issues with intimacy and getting too close to people. At my age, I know that intimacy and sex are not the most important things in a relationship, but they are important. And even though the intimacy and sex in our relationship wasn’t perfect, I accepted that as part of who you are, because I love you. Intimacy and sex with you was never about the quantity or quality. It was always about being with you.  Please understand this point, "YOU WERE THE ONE" I wanted to spend my life with, whether we were married or not!

 

     You have kept telling me that lately that you do love me and that I’ve done nothing wrong to cause this to happen to us. However, your treatment and attitude toward me since the beginning of July tells a different story. I am filled with confusion, sadness, and anger. This whole situation has hurt and wounded me deeply. I’m not just losing you, the woman I love. I’m losing the children also. I love your children deeply and losing them is killing me inside. Not to mention Fredcat, I love that fat dumb fur ball too.

      From things you have told me about your past relationships. I know that once I move out, I will probably never see or talk to you again.  You have made it painfully clear over the past two months that you want nothing to do with me right now, even though you say that I’ve done nothing wrong. Because I love you, I will go away and try not to bother you anymore. If our paths cross again sometime in the future, I will leave that up to you to decide. I will always want you and the kids in my life to some extent, but moving forward I will leave you alone and move on with my life.

     pwBPD, I know you have self-esteem and abandonment issues, I am not mad or angry at you. But I am disappointed in your actions and treatment towards your son, daughter, and me. I know much more than you think about the things that you have been doing lately. So please don’t take me for a fool. You are a smart, beautiful, funny, and wonderful woman. Deep down you are a good person. Just please stop doing those things and get some help with the issues that prevent you from having the kind of happy life that you deserve. Everyone needs help sometimes in life. It’s just your turn for help, so please seek it. I'm not really religious and you won’t believe this. But I will be praying for you to make the right choices and follow the right paths in life. Please, make that first step, because YOU ARE WORTH IT !

     I forgive you for the things you have done and you will always have my loyalty and respect as a person. I will love you until the day I die and if you ever need someone to talk to or someone just to listen, let me know. I’m here for you, no strings attached. Whatever happens in life, just always remember I love you baby and you don't walk alone through your struggles in life. I am always just a phone call away. Take care of yourself and be safe. I will miss you all you guys so much, goodbye and good luck.

Regards,

   

PS. Take good care of Freddy cat for me, he cannot take care of himself. He is the best cat in the world !

Leave letter, leave and go NC. Regardless of a response to the letter, I will send a text or facebook message every few months to see how everything's going and to see how the kids and the cat are doing.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey fred6, I suggest that you save this letter for yourself but don't send it; instead, I recommend something shorter and to the point.  With other people, your letter might be appreciated, but I doubt it will be well received by your BPDx.  Just my 2 cents.  LuckyJim

[fred6]

Hey fred6, I suggest that you save this letter for yourself but don't send it; instead, I recommend something shorter and to the point.  With other people, your letter might be appreciated, but I doubt it will be well received by your BPDx.  Just my 2 cents.  LuckyJim

Thanks Lucky Jim, I do understand your point. Also, I know that it probably won't be well received or even understood. At this point, I don't think it matters if she receives it well or understands it. This is for me to say the things that I want to say, how well she receives it is on her. There is actually no downside that I can see. I odds are that I won't see or talk to these people again when I leave for the last time. However, it is something that I think I need to do. What do you recommend shorter and to the point?

[JonnyKrunch]

The downside is you left many doors open for her to contact you.

She might read it and have a spark of good feeling toward you, but

it won't last.

If you really want NC, then burn that letter.

I have written similar letters and it didn't take long to realize it was just

more fodder for her to use against me. I still kept writing them, but they were

only for me.

As far as her children go, I've been in that situation also. Maybe you will be

luckier that I was... .just make sure its just not a reason to stay in touch

with her. And do you really think her new man will be comfortable with you staying

in contact with the kids, even if she allows it.

Her honeymoon phase will end, do you really want to be there when it does?

I know it ain't easy bro, but save yourself and

burn it.

[Rifka]

Hi Fred,

Yes when children are involved it gets even more complicated. I still speak to my exes children 14 & 16. They live in another state with their mom, not my ex. I have become great friends with his first wife since contacting her to find out if she experience this behavior and craziness from him ( in May)

I had thought about the contact thing and letting it die out, even though I loved them, but they contacted me. It was during one of the in between recycle times.

I think because they don't live with him, it's an easier situation.

I'm not sure if it would have work with them living with him because I know he would torture them mentally since I would have been painted black.

Hard decisions!  

Do you think that you could let them contact you if they want and do n/c with them on your side. There is a great chance she will cause mental and emotional problems for them when you contact.

Plus the really bad side is that it's your door to still be attached to her, which you have to think about and know if that is the underlying idea to not lose her completely?

A lot to think about since you seem to still be emotionally and mentally attached to her and focus many thoughts on her.

I don't know Fred, what good do you feel will come to you from keeping your door or heart open?

My exes children made the choice, not me for us to continue speaking.

I was just wondering and by no means ever judging!

I have n/c with my ex for a month in two days. We broke up a month and a half ago.

I have no desires to speak, see, hear, or know anything about him. I hope he is getting help and that one day he can have a healthy relationship, just not with me! I was out on August 3rd.

I wish you luck Fred, I know this is hard!

[fred6]

The downside is you left many doors open for her to contact you.

She might read it and have a spark of good feeling toward you, but

it won't last.

If you really want NC, then burn that letter.

I have written similar letters and it didn't take long to realize it was just

more fodder for her to use against me. I still kept writing them, but they were

only for me.

As far as her children go, I've been in that situation also. Maybe you will be

luckier that I was... .just make sure its just not a reason to stay in touch

with her. And do you really think her new man will be comfortable with you staying

in contact with the kids, even if she allows it.

Her honeymoon phase will end, do you really want to be there when it does?

I know it ain't easy bro, but save yourself and

burn it.

No need to burn it, I haven't hit print yet, . Her contacting me isn't the issue, I have the choice to reply or not. Maybe NC isn't what I mean. Very limited contact dependant on her behaviors and actions. A lot of people have talked about establishing boundaries with pwBPD. Any BS and she can listen to the dial tone. My main problem is that I was living in her house, having to deal with her BPD daily, having to see her daily for 2 months since the split. Now that I have my own place, I'm in a much stronger position to deal with her crazy spells because I have a choice. I really doubt any of it matters anyhow. Like I said, once I leave there is a 95% chance that I'll never see any of them again unless around town or something.

[fred6]

Hi Fred,

Yes when children are involved it gets even more complicated. I still speak to my exes children 14 & 16. They live in another state with their mom, not my ex. I have become great friends with his first wife since contacting her to find out if she experience this behavior and craziness from him ( in May)

I had thought about the contact thing and letting it die out, even though I loved them, but they contacted me. It was during one of the in between recycle times.

I think because they don't live with him, it's an easier situation.

I'm not sure if it would have work with them living with him because I know he would torture them mentally since I would have been painted black.

Hard decisions!  

Do you think that you could let them contact you if they want and do n/c with them on your side. There is a great chance she will cause mental and emotional problems for them when you contact.

Plus the really bad side is that it's your door to still be attached to her, which you have to think about and know if that is the underlying idea to not lose her completely?

A lot to think about since you seem to still be emotionally and mentally attached to her and focus many thoughts on her.

I don't know Fred, what good do you feel will come to you from keeping your door or heart open?

My exes children made the choice, not me for us to continue speaking.

I was just wondering and by no means ever judging!

I have n/c with my ex for a month in two days. We broke up a month and a half ago.

I have no desires to speak, see, hear, or know anything about him. I hope he is getting help and that one day he can have a healthy relationship, just not with me! I was out on August 3rd.

I wish you luck Fred, I know this is hard!

I in no way want a r/s with this person ever again. On my end, I wouldn't rule out a polite friendship. If she has a problem with that for whatever reason, then that's that. No need to worry about it

[Tolou]

Fred. beautiful letter you choose to leave it or not bit if she is BPD no matter how sincere the letter and empathetic it will viewed as betrayal and abandonment. The letter I wrote for closure I wish  I never gave her but it was my last resort as talking to her was just so unhealthy. The was more for me than her, we can't get proper closure on these relationships leaving so many doors  open can be confusing  to both  of  you. and unfair as well. but the choice is yours and  I wish  you luck. mine could  not give me closure it came with acceptanceof rreality and facts not feeling s

[fred6]

Fred. beautiful letter you choose to leave it or not bit if she is BPD no matter how sincere the letter and empathetic it will viewed as betrayal and abandonment. The letter I wrote for closure I wish  I never gave her but it was my last resort as talking to her was just so unhealthy. The was more for me than her, we can't get proper closure on these relationships leaving so many doors  open can be confusing  to both  of  you. and unfair as well. but the choice is yours and  I wish  you luck. mine could  not give me closure it came with acceptanceof rreality and facts not feeling s

Yes, it's more for me than for her at this point in time. This is my closure. Since she won't give me closure I deserve, I'll get it myself. It is kind of long, but it's 3 years wrapped into 1-1 1/2 pages. I might go back and tweak it a bit. I don't care if she views it as betrayal or abandonment. Those are my feelings.

[myself]

Nice letter that's most likely going to fall on disordered ears that choose to not hear. Write a hundred of them, if it helps you, but giving them to her is like tossing them in a black hole. It will make her feel even more defensive, even more sure she's right to have gotten rid of you. It seems you're expecting some kind of positive response at some time, and when it doesn't happen you'll have extra pain instead of less if you would have just walked away. It's understandable you want her to hear you, to know what your heart is feeling, but she's probably not going to. Having written letters like this, myself, the ones unsent actually served their purpose for me more. The others were just fuel for her continued raging/scapegoating of me. Mirrors she didn't want to look into. Closure will be the end of the r/s. Detaching instead of hanging on.

[Tolou]

do what  you think and feel is best for  you . the letter I received in response  to mine was immature disgusting and hurtful  to say the least completely placing everything in terms  of blame on me and not taking any responsibility for her part. but in the end I said what I needed in the letter regardless  of how she interpreted it, and  I very empathetic to her and like I said it  wasmore for me than her but  I was content with after a while ans kept or deleted anything  I wrote after her nasty response.

[fred6]

Nice letter that's most likely going to fall on disordered ears that choose to not hear. Write a hundred of them, if it helps you, but giving them to her is like tossing them in a black hole. It will make her feel even more defensive, even more sure she's right to have gotten rid of you. It seems you're expecting some kind of positive response at some time, and when it doesn't happen you'll have extra pain instead of less if you would have just walked away. It's understandable you want her to hear you, to know what your heart is feeling, but she's probably not going to. Having written letters like this, myself, the ones unsent actually served their purpose for me more. The others were just fuel for her continued raging/scapegoating of me. Mirrors she didn't want to look into. Closure will be the end of the r/s. Detaching instead of hanging on.

Yes, I realize that she probably won't hear or understand what I am saying. I also have come to terms that it is over. It's not that I expect a positive response, I don't really expect any response at all. Leaving without saying anything and leaving things the way they are will be worse for me I think. Whether I get a positive, negative, or no response is fine with me. I feel that expressing these things will help me to move forward. I have no intention of trying to recycle with this person. If she would like to remain on friendly terms, that's fine. If not, then their is nothing lost. My path is set either way.

do what  you think and feel is best for  you . the letter I received in response  to mine was immature disgusting and hurtful  to say the least completely placing everything in terms  of blame on me and not taking any responsibility for her part. but in the end I said what I needed in the letter regardless  of how she interpreted it, and  I very empathetic to her and like I said it  wasmore for me than her but  I was content with after a while ans kept or deleted anything  I wrote after her nasty response.

I'm not too worried about her reply or lack of reply at this point. She doesn't really even know my new address. All she has is my cel phone number and we're friends on facebook. For all I know she will block my number and de friend me on facebook after I leave. I wouldn't be surprised at all.

[Compassion14]

I understand your letter and your deep rooted desire to send it.

I understand the need to say what you need to say, and know you've handed it over.

I think if you are prepared not to have any response from it, but know you'll feel better for having given it to her, then you should.

I wrote something a little similar. Less open to recycling maybe, but definitely still warm when my exBPDboyfriend was moving the last of his stuff out my house. I am glad he has/had it even if his twisted head could not process half of it with the compassion it was written.

I think there is strength to be taken from having been true to your feelings and knowing you communicated them - or at least tried to.

Just my 2 cents.

Compassion14

[Harri]

Hi Fred.  I like your letter as it stands.  It is an expression of you and your compassion, love and decency as a human being.  You are open emotionally and I think that is remarkable given the fact that you must be hurting at the same time.  Your acceptance of the situation and the willingness to handle whatever response or even no response from her is even more remarkable.

It sounds like you are aware of possible responses and actions on her part and are prepared to handle them.  It also sounds like you have reasonable expectations, so I say if it is what feels right for you to do now, then send it.

[fred6]

I understand your letter and your deep rooted desire to send it.

I understand the need to say what you need to say, and know you've handed it over.

I think if you are prepared not to have any response from it, but know you'll feel better for having given it to her, then you should.

I wrote something a little similar. Less open to recycling maybe, but definitely still warm when my exBPDboyfriend was moving the last of his stuff out my house. I am glad he has/had it even if his twisted head could not process half of it with the compassion it was written.

I think there is strength to be taken from having been true to your feelings and knowing you communicated them - or at least tried to.

Just my 2 cents.

Compassion14

Thanks Compassion14, I appreciate your insight and reply. To you, does my letter come across as being open to recycle? If I could snap my fingers and make things between us somewhat normal again, I would do it with no hesitation. However, at this point, with everything that that has happened and been said and done. I don't think that a recycle is even possible. I hope that it's not coming across like that's what I want to happen. We've only been together for 3 years, but I've known her for 30 years. I just want her to understand how I feel and that it doesn't have to end like this. The way things are now though, I feel it's a moot point.

I have been very good to this person for 3 years. In her own words, "you have been good to me", "you take care of me", "this has been one of my best relationships", she loves me, and I have done nothing wrong to cause this to happen. In my opinion, my best course of action is to continue to be a good to her. Not so much for her, but for me, that is who I am. If she doesn't want me or can't have me in her life due to BPD, so be it. As bad as this has been for 2+ months, I will not let her BPD define who or what I am. I don't want to turn into some jaded jackhole due to this. I will continue on with or without her.

[fred6]

Hi Fred.  I like your letter as it stands.  It is an expression of you and your compassion, love and decency as a human being.  You are open emotionally and I think that is remarkable given the fact that you must be hurting at the same time.  Your acceptance of the situation and the willingness to handle whatever response or even no response from her is even more remarkable.

It sounds like you are aware of possible responses and actions on her part and are prepared to handle them.  It also sounds like you have reasonable expectations, so I say if it is what feels right for you to do now, then send it.

Thanks for the reply Harri. Although it hurts, I am doing better day by day and I haven't even moved out yet. I do understand that when I actually leave it will get worse for a while, but for different reasons. You probably haven't followed exactly what's happened with me in the past month or two on the new members forum, but yes it has been horrible and the worst experience of my life.

However, as bad as it is for me, it must be much worse for my exBPD. Although it seems that she has already moved on without me and is having sex and good times with new supply. I know that somewhere in there she is really going through a lot of complex issues. I won't send the letter, I will hand it to her personally when I say my goodbyes. Then I can leave knowing that I did everything that I could do for this person and her children. I cannot fix her issues, but I will do what I can to help. She has to make that first step though. I am under no false assumption that she will actually make that step, in fact she probably won't. In any case, everyone here will know what's going on because I'll still be posting updates on this site for a good while for advice and support.

[hurting300]

I would suggest you not just leave and go no contact, that's abuse if they do it. So the rules apply to us also. Leave a letter or send a text at least. My ex did me this way, it's painful...

[Skip]

Those are very heartfelt sentiments.  I think it's important to say why you are leaving. It's a matter of character, especially if you are moving out without notice.

You may not see it, but there are really two letters to be read here.  One is a guy that feels unloved and unheard by the one he loves most and is stepping away for self preservation.  The other is a blame-fest - you did this, you did that.  

Both are there - clear as can be.

As this is about human decency (toward her) and catharsis for you, I might try a draft that eliminates the defensiveness (it doesn't matter that she cut off previous lovers, for example), and spells out clearly why you are leaving - without shaming her in every paragraph.  Its one thing to say that you have shut me out (bad deed). It's another to say you are mentally ill (bad human).  If you want to make the latter point - and IO think you do - make it brief and tie it to something constructive - like therapy.

Why do I say this?

Because you will read this letter 10 years from now, too.

[fred6]

I would suggest you not just leave and go no contact, that's abuse if they do it. So the rules apply to us also. Leave a letter or send a text at least. My ex did me this way, it's painful...

Thank you for the reply hurting300. No, I cannot fathom just leaving and NC without some kind of final communication about my feelings that have been invalidated for so long. I think that I would be worse off if I did that. At this point, it's about me and doing the things that I feel are right.

[fred6]

Those are very heartfelt sentiments.  I think its important to say why you are leaving, a matter of character - especially if you are moving out without notice.

You probably haven't kept up with my story back in the new members forum. But to make a long story short. This person basically has told me that, "this is the one of the best r/s of my life". Then out of the blue, I caught her cheating on me, she broke up with me, told me to move out, then she lied to me about cheating for a month. Since the day of the break up, she has avoided me and treated me like I don't exist and said the most hurtful things when I tried to talk to her. But yet, she has said several times since the breakup that, "I love you and you have done nothing wrong to cause this". While waiting for my apartment to be ready and still living with her. She rubbed my nose in her cheating by getting all dolled up and leaving at all hours of the night to spend the night with her new supply, while leaving her 6yo daughter. The pain of watching that really messed me up for a while. So I think both me and her already know why I am leaving. So I am leaving with 2 months notice. She gave me notice when she broke up with me.

You may not see it, but there are really two letters to be read here.  One is a guy that feels unloved and unheard by the one he loves most and is stepping away.  The other is a blame-fest - you did this, you did that.

No, I definitely see what you are saying here. I do go through the common BPD, "did she ever love me" and "why doesn't she understand what I'm saying" issues. But I'm not stepping away, I'm being sent away. Although, it might seem like a blame fest. I'm simply pointing out some of the facts of the situation. I think that it's important to address her behaviors toward me and her children, especially since she has claimed that "this has been her best r/s" and "that she loves me and that I've done nothing wrong to cause this situation". I have forgiven her and offered my loyalty and respect as a person who cares about her. If she can't or won't acknowledge these things, I have done everything I can do.

What would you suggest changing in the letter?

[willy45]

Dude.

Don't give it to her. Or rewrite.

Here's why:

You need the option of completely cutting this person out of your life. Right now that makes you sad but trust me, there will be a time, hopefully soon, that you want nothing to do with her. Write a letter if you must but do not promise to be her friend and blah blah blah. I promise you this... .There will be a point when you are done. Done done. And things will go bad for her. And she will reach out. And you will feel guilty for pledging your eternal friendship. And you will get sucked in. And it will be a world of pain. So do anything but don't do that. Youbdeserve better. At least give yourself that.

[fred6]

Dude.

Don't give it to her. Or rewrite.

Here's why:

You need the option of completely cutting this person out of your life. Right now that makes you sad but trust me, there will be a time, hopefully soon, that you want nothing to do with her. Write a letter if you must but do not promise to be her friend and blah blah blah. I promise you this... .There will be a point when you are done. Done done. And things will go bad for her. And she will reach out. And you will feel guilty for pledging your eternal friendship. And you will get sucked in. And it will be a world of pain. So do anything but don't do that. Youbdeserve better. At least give yourself that.

Thanks willy, I do understand your concerns. I may add a sentance that says, "But anymore BS and you'll never hear from me again, I won't be your doormat going forward". The thing I want to stress to everyone is that I don't want any kind of romantic relationship with this person ever again, too much has happened. Regardless of what happens to her in life, I want her to get help for her children's sake. If I had to guess, I will hand her the letter and leave. She will read it, either throw it away or store it with all of her other clutter, and I will never hear from her again. I am 95% sure that's what will happen.

[Panda39]

Hi fred6,

I am kind of confused by what you want or expect to happen by writing this letter. 

Is it to have your say... .what you need to tell her? (getting it off your chest but also emotionally engaging her)

Is it to leave the door open for her to reconnect with you after you leave? (If she reconnects what do you want that relationship to be? Do you want to recycle?)

Is it to stay connected with her kids (by extension her)?

Is it to go no/low contact? 

I really do understand wanting closure in a relationship but I think I see this letter not as a good-bye but a way to stay attached and that is okay if that is what you want.  But if you want to let go of this relationship and move on then I would just do that.  No letter needed.

What ever you decide to do I wish you well 

[Panda39]

The thing I want to stress to everyone is that I don't want any kind of romantic relationship with this person ever again, too much has happened.

I think the interesting thing here is that many of us are picking up from your letter that you do want to hold on to this relationship.

[fred6]

Hi fred6,

I am kind of confused by what you want or expect to happen by writing this letter.  

Is it to have your say... .what you need to tell her? (getting it off your chest but also emotionally engaging her)

Yes, I have things that I need to say. Just things that I need to tell her. Every time I try to talk to her, she rages or starts an argument about totally not related things

Is it to leave the door open for her to reconnect with you after you leave? (If she reconnects what do you want that relationship to be? Do you want to recycle?)

No, I don't want a recycle or r/s with this person. I guess I would want a low contact friends type relationship. I do love and care about this person and would like to keep somewhat in touch on a limited basis, maybe every 2-3 months.

Is it to stay connected with her kids (by extension her)?

Yes this is also one of the reasons.

Is it to go no/low contact?

After the letter, I'll be NC for a couple months. Then I may send a text or facebook message to see "how things are going?", "how are the kids?", or "how is my favorite cat in the world?"

I really do understand wanting closure in a relationship but I think I see this letter not as a good-bye but a way to stay attached and that is okay if that is what you want.  But if you want to let go of this relationship and move on then I would just do that.  No letter needed.

What ever you decide to do I wish you well  

Well, it is a goodbye because I'm fairly certain that I'll never hear from her again. On the off chance that she contacts me, I'll evaluate the situation and proceed accordingly.

[fred6]

The thing I want to stress to everyone is that I don't want any kind of romantic relationship with this person ever again, too much has happened.

I think the interesting thing here is that many of us are picking up from your letter that you do want to hold on to this relationship.

I guess that depends on what you define relationship as. The actual romantic relationship is over and never coming back, too much has happened. A limited contact friendly type relationship is my thought here. She's screwing, idealizing, and mirroring/projecting on replacement. Of course I don't want her back in my life romantically. I'm moving forwards in that regard.

What exactly in my letter gives the impression that I want her back in a romantic sense? That's exactly why I posted it, for suggestions.

[goldylamont]

exBPD,

Since you won't really talk to me, I wanted to say a few things to you. I AM NOT trying to judge you, blame you, or "fix" our relationship. You may not even care about me or give a damn what I say or think . However, after three years together, I think that I need to say some things for some closure on my end. I hope you can process, believe, and accept what I have to say.

   

      Even though you say that I've done nothing to cause this, the first thing I want to say is that I’m sorry for whatever I did to make you give up on us and our relationship. I know that I have not been the best boyfriend in the world and I never will be. I have not always said or done the right things in your eyes. But also I know with all my heart, that I have ALWAYS had your and the kids best interests in my mind. I have never cheated on you or lied to you about anything of importance.  I don't think that I ever would have because you were too important to me. You have always had my commitment, loyalty, trust and respect. Even though it at times, it may not have always seemed like it to you.

     For a long time, I have known that you have deep rooted issues with intimacy and getting too close to people. At my age, I know that intimacy and sex are not the most important things in a relationship, but they are important. And even though the intimacy and sex in our relationship wasn’t perfect, I accepted that as part of who you are, because I love you. Intimacy and sex with you was never about the quantity or quality. It was always about being with you.  Please understand this point, "YOU WERE THE ONE" I wanted to spend my life with, whether we were married or not!

 

     You have kept telling me that lately that you do love me and that I’ve done nothing wrong to cause this to happen to us. However, your treatment and attitude toward me since the beginning of July tells a different story. I am filled with confusion, sadness, and anger. This whole situation has hurt and wounded me deeply. I’m not just losing you, the woman I love. I’m losing the children also. I love your children deeply and losing them is killing me inside. Not to mention Fredcat, I love that fat dumb fur ball too.

      From things you have told me about your past relationships. I know that once I move out, I will probably never see or talk to you again.  You have made it painfully clear over the past two months that you want nothing to do with me right now, even though you say that I’ve done nothing wrong. Because I love you, I will go away and try not to bother you anymore. If our paths cross again sometime in the future, I will leave that up to you to decide. I will always want you and the kids in my life to some extent, but moving forward I will leave you alone and move on with my life.

     pwBPD, I know you have self-esteem and abandonment issues, I am not mad or angry at you. But I am disappointed in your actions and treatment towards your son, daughter, and me. I know much more than you think about the things that you have been doing lately. So please don’t take me for a fool. You are a smart, beautiful, funny, and wonderful woman. Deep down you are a good person. Just please stop doing those things and get some help with the issues that prevent you from having the kind of happy life that you deserve. Everyone needs help sometimes in life. It’s just your turn for help, so please seek it. I'm not really religious and you won’t believe this. But I will be praying for you to make the right choices and follow the right paths in life. Please, make that first step, because YOU ARE WORTH IT !

     I forgive you for the things you have done and you will always have my loyalty and respect as a person. I will love you until the day I die and if you ever need someone to talk to or someone just to listen, let me know. I’m here for you, no strings attached. Whatever happens in life, just always remember I love you baby and you don't walk alone through your struggles in life. I am always just a phone call away. Take care of yourself and be safe. I will miss you all you guys so much, goodbye and good luck.

Regards,

   

PS. Take good care of Freddy cat for me, he cannot take care of himself. He is the best cat in the world !

my opinion is that you should not give her this letter. i'm trying to think of the most respectful way to explain this... .but i guess i just don't believe that it's true. i think you are too close to this situation to really know and understand how you feel about things. and this comes across in the letter... .one sentence there's undying love, always-be-there-for-you no matter how abusive a person you are. another sentence you've completely forgiven her. other sentences sound a bit contemptuous by pointing out her issues and telling her she's a bad mom, gf and she should seek help--all because she's worth it... .

i guess what i mean is that i would wait before giving her any correspondence like this until you are at very least 6 months to a year out of the situation. what i mean when i say that i don't think the letter is 'true'--i don't mean to say at all that you are being disingenuous, i think your intentions are genuine, however i don't think you've had enough time to process things to express them in words right now. if you truly want to talk to her again, don't you have a right for it to be on better terms? instead of giving her this love/hate letter while she's sleeping with some other guy and smearing your name, why not wait until things cool off. she'll hit the rocky road soon enough with him and be more open for a decent conversation then. and hopefully you would have been on your own improving yourself and your situation.

i completely understand how you feel though, about wanting to express yourself. being in these relationships our voices were often ignored or admonished, and then they drop everything in the blink of an eye. so, you want your say. i get it. there's anger in this letter though--and it's doesn't sound angry enough, very passive. it may be better to do some real down and dirty venting elsewhere (here) where you aren't walking on eggshells, get it out, then months/years later if you were to write the letter, the anger would be mostly gone. so it wouldn't come off as passive-aggressive. there's also a lot of love and attachment in this letter, and likewise i think it's important to explore this more over time before trying to express it directly to this person.

i think it's a mistake to tell your real emotions to an abusive person when they are treating you in this regard. don't share any truths about things other than surface details or to try and keep things calm and smooth them over. this isn't to be mean or devious, it's just acknowledging the fact that this person is incapable of being respectful or empathetic to your situation right now.

i felt a whole hell of a lot of things with my ex. and i ended up writing her a letter as well, but this was maybe 10 months after our b/u, we had already had several hours of discussions where although she fell short of a full apology, she did have deep insights into her situation and our r/s. we covered a lot of ground and i think she tried her hardest to be honest, however short of the mark she fell i think you deserve to have a *real* conversation with your ex, if any at all.

you were together for 3 years. if you truly believe there was love there, i would wait this out. be as respectful as possible without being overly kind, and disappear in your own way. my thoughts are that she will come around later and then we could discuss what to do if there were going to be further contact. unfortunately right now the next guy is the only person she cares to hear speak, and personally i think you deserve more of her attention not to mention at least an ounce of her compliance before being open to her in any way.

p.s. -- i lived with my ex as well for 2 months after breaking up (4 yr r/s)... .new guy was in the picture within a few weeks. i dealt with much of what you have with the smearing of the new guy and sexuality in your face; it was horrible. so i wanted you to know i understand how terrible it feels and my reason for writing so much!   wait till you are stronger before opening up, i'm glad that i took this approach.

[hurting300]

Fred, I guess what we're saying is don't leave loose ends open and don't over promise, just to get hurt later by her. Let her know your leaving though it's a matter of character and you sir are a mature adult male.

[fred6]

my opinion is that you should not give her this letter. i'm trying to think of the most respectful way to explain this... .but i guess i just don't believe that it's true. i think you are too close to this situation to really know and understand how you feel about things. and this comes across in the letter... .

I think the issues that I have are that if I don't do it now, I'll probably never do it. Like I said, once I leave, I want to leave her the option for her and the kids to have a LC friendly type relationship. If not, I want to go NC ASAP and try not to look back. Does that leave a door open for her? Sure it does, but not for a recycle. I'm 95% positive that she doesn't recycle. I will be another one of those forgotten guys on her list, just like the previous one and the new one will be. The way I see it is that I have 2 choices. I can leave things a mess the way they are and just disappear forever. Or give her the letter and go NC. Either way, I don't think it matters because she's not going to recycle. Like I said, the letter is as much for me as it is for her.

[Skip]

What would you suggest changing in the letter?

I wasn't sure if you really want this answer, but so many members have written similar letters and gotten the a disappointing response, I thought I'd make these suggestions for the members in general.

The main points a goodbye letter would have are:

1. Explain what you are doing.

2. Explain why - brief and to the point

3. Explain where you both go from here - the boundaries.

The draft here doesn't cover these.  Instead the letter says:

1. I have loved you with all my heart. I still do. Will always.

2. I don't want to leave but you give me no choice.

3. I've done everything I can

4. You are mentally ill.

5. And the implied (I hope you will listen now, read this and change)

The reader typically latches onto the 2 and 4 and responds with "you do not see your role in this" or 1 and 3 and says "no you haven't - thats why I've shut down". Basically, "you are not listening to me".

If it really is an exit letter with no intended secondary message:

Explain what you are doing.  You never say you are breaking up and moving to your own place (or back to mom, or getting married, or going into the monastery).  You say you plan to go NC.  You are telling her this "I am always just a phone call away. "  Say its over.

Explain why - brief and to the point You do, sorta.  But these 45 words buried in an 850 word note don't rally say it, do they? "your treatment and attitude toward me since the beginning of July tells a different story... .you have made it painfully clear over the past two months that you want nothing to do with me right now... . I know much more than you think about the things that you have been doing lately. So please don’t take me for a fool." Maybe its better to say it more clearly and from your perspective.  Something like "I feel like I've been the only one holding the relationship together for the last 8 weeks and I'm no longer willing to do that."  You could go further if you want and say "I don't see a future for us"

Where do we go from here.  You letter says "I am always just a phone call away."  You are sharing on the board your plan to go NC.  Shouldn't you set clearer expectations or boundaries? I really need some space right now and ask that we break it off clean and not communicate for 6 weeks (12 weeks, 100 week) and let this all settle.  If there are any logistical things, please feel free to send an email that just deals with that and I'll respond in a day or two.  If you want to meet and talk about this, we can have lunch in _______ (, after the 6 weeks, before the 6 weeks)

Does that help?

One last thought, the current draft really reads like you are leaving and voicing yourself (because you felt unheard in the relationship) in hopes this will wake her up and she will change her ways.  If that is what you are doing, the I'd move the draft to the Staying board and get feedback there on this type of strategy.