I keep picking women that had awful relationships with their parents

[Depression = 72% of members]

So it hit me a few days ago that I keep picking women that had major issues with their parents going back to their childhood.

I talked it out with my T.  Been trying to figure out why the same patterns keep happening.  Why I pick them, and why they pick me basically.

Here's my working theory:

My family growing up wasn't abusive.  It was pretty much disney fairy tale compared to what a bunch of others have gone through.  However, my dad's family growing up was strongly impacted by his alcoholic mother.  She was always had a mean streak, but when she was drunk it was much worse.  She basically perpetrated a lot of abuse on dad's dad, him, his siblings, etc.  It was also a Navy family, my grandfather was a navy pilot, and he was gone a lot either on carrier deployments, or later he was flying larger transports between land bases. He was also involved test flights of various jet assisted takeoff rockets, etc.  While he was in the Navy, he was gone a lot.  That meant mean drunk mom was in charge, and things were very abusive at times.

My grandfather covered it up.  Kind of a "circle the wagons" and protect the family image sort of thing.  So my dad learned to be loyal and protective of family even when they were abusive towards him.  He brought that attitude with him to his own family growing up.  He was never a big drinker, never hit us, etc.  He was always a good provider and an involved, caring father.  He still is.  But he also passed down to me the attitude of loyalty, and being the protector, and being the caretaker for family regardless of all else, and regardless of how they treat you.  The good of the group takes precedence of the good of the individual, and the individuals just have to suck it up. 

That's where I get my caretaker/codependency tendencies.  It's on-going fall out from my grandmother's alcoholism, trickling down through my dad, to me.

So the next part is this.  I am a caring person.  I've been told many times I put a caring, tender, nurturing vibe out there around people.  And this attracts people that are looking for nurturing.  The women I've been involved with have all had things lacking with their parents growing up.  I don't think any of them ever had a truely good parent-child nurturing bond growing up.  I know they don't feel like they did anyway.

So, where I did, and I got a good dose of parenting/nurturing/coaching in a way that I could grow up and change from an child emotionally that needs parenting from my parents into an adult that can parent himself, the women I've been involved with different.  They've all still been emotionally children in many ways, but it mainly comes down to they didn't get the parental push they needed to grow into people that could be independent, self-parenting individuals.  They've all still been looking for that nurturing to fill a void in them that wasn't filled as a kid. 

When they meet me, they feel that void in them getting filled.  Hence the attraction.  And me, being a caretaker, I get my rocks off on making other people happy.  And we get involved on that basis.  And it works for a bit.  But then some combination of circumstances that has been different each time happens that the result is that I get tired of being what's essentially a stand-in for a parent, the emotional fulfillment for them wears off because external sources of that only last so long for anyone, etc.  I start thinking "what is wrong with this person?"  and they start feeling like I don't care anymore.  They then get more demanding wanting to get that caring feeling back, I push back because I don't like the demands being made of me, and then I get split black because I can't/won't meet some need of theirs that I really never could to begin with.

Then, I'm left standing around afterwards going "WTF just happened?", hurting, etc.  They're left thinking I don't care, feeling like they've been duped, used, abused, etc. and madder than he! at me.

Of my relationships, 1 serious GF in high school, 1 in college, then uPDxw, then uBPDxgf, and now my current SO - every one of them had big issues with parents.  Each one of them I know would not have good things to say about me (except current SO... .currently LOL!).

Even in our recent came-super-close-to-break up fight with current SO... .she was texting me so many split back type messages.  How I just wanted her for good head and a$$, never loved her, hated her kids, etc.  Stuff that was all so untrue.  And it only turned because she extended an olive branch, and finally was willing to listen and hear me out on a few things.

So now I'm stuck sitting here saying "how do i change this?"  SO is still who she is.  She still makes the comments that her sense of "victimhood" is still in her head.  And she has been a victim of abandonment and neglect by her parents and family.  And the same plus extreme physical/emotional/sexual abuse by her XH.  She has been a victim, but she also played a role in choosing to stay and have more and more kids with the guy.  17 years and 4 kids.  And the issues she's still trying to overcome that he left her with, she could have prevented if she hadn't acquiesced to his control.  She made a lot of choices that she's not owning up to.

The women I've been involved with have all been desperate for a connection with someone so they can feel cared for and nurtured.  SO is still no different.  And as a romantic partner/spouse, I'm willing to do that to the point that is healthy for our relationship, but she is going to want farther than that again at some point.  It turns me into this emotional crutch, and i'm not good at that to put it mildly.

Now I'm wondering how do I permanently change this dynamic.  And can I even do it while with SO?  Can she grow with me in this?  I really don't know, and I have a serious fear that she can't.  I see signs she's trying currently, but I don't see full recognition of it in her.

My T says well I can set up couples counseling, layout the concerns to the T in private, and help create the structure for SO to grow and to change this.  But my T also acknowledges nothing certain, and it's a hard, long road.

So now I have to decide - do I want to try going down this road?  Maybe it was dumb of me,but I really missed the depth of the potential issues between SO and I up until very recently. 

[Waddams]

So it hit me a few days ago that I keep picking women that had major issues with their parents going back to their childhood.

I talked it out with my T.  Been trying to figure out why the same patterns keep happening.  Why I pick them, and why they pick me basically.

Here's my working theory:

My family growing up wasn't abusive.  It was pretty much disney fairy tale compared to what a bunch of others have gone through.  However, my dad's family growing up was strongly impacted by his alcoholic mother.  She was always had a mean streak, but when she was drunk it was much worse.  She basically perpetrated a lot of abuse on dad's dad, him, his siblings, etc.  It was also a Navy family, my grandfather was a navy pilot, and he was gone a lot either on carrier deployments, or later he was flying larger transports between land bases. He was also involved test flights of various jet assisted takeoff rockets, etc.  While he was in the Navy, he was gone a lot.  That meant mean drunk mom was in charge, and things were very abusive at times.

My grandfather covered it up.  Kind of a "circle the wagons" and protect the family image sort of thing.  So my dad learned to be loyal and protective of family even when they were abusive towards him.  He brought that attitude with him to his own family growing up.  He was never a big drinker, never hit us, etc.  He was always a good provider and an involved, caring father.  He still is.  But he also passed down to me the attitude of loyalty, and being the protector, and being the caretaker for family regardless of all else, and regardless of how they treat you.  The good of the group takes precedence of the good of the individual, and the individuals just have to suck it up. 

That's where I get my caretaker/codependency tendencies.  It's on-going fall out from my grandmother's alcoholism, trickling down through my dad, to me.

So the next part is this.  I am a caring person.  I've been told many times I put a caring, tender, nurturing vibe out there around people.  And this attracts people that are looking for nurturing.  The women I've been involved with have all had things lacking with their parents growing up.  I don't think any of them ever had a truely good parent-child nurturing bond growing up.  I know they don't feel like they did anyway.

So, where I did, and I got a good dose of parenting/nurturing/coaching in a way that I could grow up and change from an child emotionally that needs parenting from my parents into an adult that can parent himself, the women I've been involved with different.  They've all still been emotionally children in many ways, but it mainly comes down to they didn't get the parental push they needed to grow into people that could be independent, self-parenting individuals.  They've all still been looking for that nurturing to fill a void in them that wasn't filled as a kid. 

When they meet me, they feel that void in them getting filled.  Hence the attraction.  And me, being a caretaker, I get my rocks off on making other people happy.  And we get involved on that basis.  And it works for a bit.  But then some combination of circumstances that has been different each time happens that the result is that I get tired of being what's essentially a stand-in for a parent, the emotional fulfillment for them wears off because external sources of that only last so long for anyone, etc.  I start thinking "what is wrong with this person?"  and they start feeling like I don't care anymore.  They then get more demanding wanting to get that caring feeling back, I push back because I don't like the demands being made of me, and then I get split black because I can't/won't meet some need of theirs that I really never could to begin with.

Then, I'm left standing around afterwards going "WTF just happened?", hurting, etc.  They're left thinking I don't care, feeling like they've been duped, used, abused, etc. and madder than he! at me.

Of my relationships, 1 serious GF in high school, 1 in college, then uPDxw, then uBPDxgf, and now my current SO - every one of them had big issues with parents.  Each one of them I know would not have good things to say about me (except current SO... .currently LOL!).

Even in our recent came-super-close-to-break up fight with current SO... .she was texting me so many split back type messages.  How I just wanted her for good head and a$$, never loved her, hated her kids, etc.  Stuff that was all so untrue.  And it only turned because she extended an olive branch, and finally was willing to listen and hear me out on a few things.

So now I'm stuck sitting here saying "how do i change this?"  SO is still who she is.  She still makes the comments that her sense of "victimhood" is still in her head.  And she has been a victim of abandonment and neglect by her parents and family.  And the same plus extreme physical/emotional/sexual abuse by her XH.  She has been a victim, but she also played a role in choosing to stay and have more and more kids with the guy.  17 years and 4 kids.  And the issues she's still trying to overcome that he left her with, she could have prevented if she hadn't acquiesced to his control.  She made a lot of choices that she's not owning up to.

The women I've been involved with have all been desperate for a connection with someone so they can feel cared for and nurtured.  SO is still no different.  And as a romantic partner/spouse, I'm willing to do that to the point that is healthy for our relationship, but she is going to want farther than that again at some point.  It turns me into this emotional crutch, and i'm not good at that to put it mildly.

Now I'm wondering how do I permanently change this dynamic.  And can I even do it while with SO?  Can she grow with me in this?  I really don't know, and I have a serious fear that she can't.  I see signs she's trying currently, but I don't see full recognition of it in her.

My T says well I can set up couples counseling, layout the concerns to the T in private, and help create the structure for SO to grow and to change this.  But my T also acknowledges nothing certain, and it's a hard, long road.

So now I have to decide - do I want to try going down this road?  Maybe it was dumb of me,but I really missed the depth of the potential issues between SO and I up until very recently. 

[Blimblam]

Wow that's some deep

Self reflecting.  This will sound cliche but this transformation will be a very difficult one and as you change your so if BPD will try to guilt trip you hard for making this transformation. She will kind of lay down a path for you how to go about it. Which is tell her to shut up when she starts to guilt trip you and then use her sexually and aggressively.  The hard part then becomes about not dehumanizing her.  It ultimately comes down to creating the space you need to heal and it is very difficult in a relationship with a borderline because if the power dynamics involved.

[Grey Kitty]

Now I'm wondering how do I permanently change this dynamic.  And can I even do it while with SO?  Can she grow with me in this?  I really don't know, and I have a serious fear that she can't.  I see signs she's trying currently, but I don't see full recognition of it in her.

I think while you are in your current r/s, you can look at what of her needy characteristics (or other things which make her an unhealthy partner) attracted you, and try to figure out how they drew you in, and if you still find these things attractive in her.

Other than that, you can't know what changes she is capable of making or when. All you can do is decide what you need to stay with her, and communicate this to her.


I think there is a limit to how much you can focus both on why you pick r/s like this, AND how to make this r/s work at the same time. I think that the best/most ethical thing for you to do is either to focus on improving the r/s you are in as best you can OR to focus on ending it as cleanly as you can.

Once you choose to be single, then put lots more energy into why you picked women like this... .before you pick the next one!

[Harri]

Hi Waddams.  Forgive me, I do not know much of your history so this may be old hat to you.  Are you familiar with the Karpman Triangle?  There are a few articles on this site that may give insight into your role (rescuer/caretaker).  It sounds like you are very aware of your tendencies but perhaps are not sure how to change them?  I would suggest focusing on your own rescuer tendencies and how they manifest in your current relationship and the articles here can assist you with that.  Try not taking on the familiar and comfortable role of rescuer/father figure and then see what happens within *you*.  You will also be able to watch your SOs reactions as well, but i think it may be more important for you to focus on your own behaviors as those are the only ones you can change.  If your SO can change along side of you, that would be even better, but as I am sure you know, you can't change for her.