This is exhausting

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I was just reading up on high conflict personalities or HPC's and how they overlap with many different personality disorders and I started thinking about my brothers uBPD wife and how she fits the bill for BPD, NPD and HPC. I was also thinking how god damn hard it is to deal with her. It's like you always sort of have to do the thinking for her. How is she going to react? How is she going to take it if I say this or do that? What crazy thing is she going to do next? It's exhausting! I realize, I don't have to do this with many other people in my life because most people are floating on the same plane of existence as me where they are able to have rational thoughts and reactions to things. I think of my BPDex as well and how that way of thinking was a constant for me, on a daily basis. My mind used to go so many different places and after a while, I'd start having bad anxiety and it was all due to my thinking about what his reaction was going to be, before he even had said reaction!

In a way it's good that we do this. It also helps us avoid reactions. I don't think my brother is in tune with that aspect yet. It seems he hasn't caught on to her way of thinking just yet. When I think of his wife, it's like I'm making game plays for a football game or I'm a commander in the army, plotting out my next war strategy!

She and my brother just announced her pregnancy, a few days ago. It goes without saying that we are scared more than we are excited. Of course the thought of a beautiful new baby is always a wonderful event but the thought of what that baby and my brother will go through in the coming years, frightens the hell out of me. I can guarantee that this poor child will be used as leverage against my brother. That she will try to control and manipulate my mother and play on her kindness and generosity with this poor baby. At the end of the day, the baby didn't ask to be brought into this mess and that's who I feel the most empathy for. Anyway my mom and her left off in July on some not so good terms. She had sent my mom some nasty texts basically telling my mom that my mom is no longer my brothers family because SHE is now is family. Either way, my mom felt guilty once she heard they were having the baby so she struggled with how to handle it and decided yesterday (which was a day and a half after my brother original told her the news) to finally muster up the balls to call his wife to congratulate her.

In my head, I already knew she was a day late and about 10,000 dollars short. Again, trying to think for his wife, I knew she probably, in reality, should have called the day before my brother told her they were having a baby, to congratulate her, in order for his wife to not take offense to the nice gesture. Well even then, I'm sure she would have found something wrong, your mom thinks I'm pregnant (even though I am), then she must be saying, I'm a fat cow! Well after all was said and done, of course my mom got no response from his wife. Ah, the infamous BPD silent treatment. She was too late and his wife wanted her to know that. I predicted this. I knew my mom was setting herself up for failure. A rational person may have been upset but would have tried to give their husbands mother the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she was busy, maybe she told her son to say it but he forgot, maybe... .anything besides she was purposely trying to hurt me. This isn't her way of thinking. I tried to explain to my mom that at this point, we have already "crossed" her, she has already painted us black and no matter what effort we put forth from here, unless it's completely ass kissing and bowing down to her and worshipping her, it's going to be an effort wasted  because she doesn't look at things the same as you and I. I don't think my mom quite understands yet, that this person, has a completely different way of thinking than us. A black and white view of the world which is way too hard for us rational people to grasp the concept of.

I just thought of all of this and I thought of how difficult and exhausting it is to have a relationship with someone who is a high conflict, pd'd person like her. That's why I refuse to walk on the same eggshells she expects everyone else to walk on. At this point in my life, I don't have the energy.

[Youcantfoolme]

I was just reading up on high conflict personalities or HPC's and how they overlap with many different personality disorders and I started thinking about my brothers uBPD wife and how she fits the bill for BPD, NPD and HPC. I was also thinking how god damn hard it is to deal with her. It's like you always sort of have to do the thinking for her. How is she going to react? How is she going to take it if I say this or do that? What crazy thing is she going to do next? It's exhausting! I realize, I don't have to do this with many other people in my life because most people are floating on the same plane of existence as me where they are able to have rational thoughts and reactions to things. I think of my BPDex as well and how that way of thinking was a constant for me, on a daily basis. My mind used to go so many different places and after a while, I'd start having bad anxiety and it was all due to my thinking about what his reaction was going to be, before he even had said reaction!

In a way it's good that we do this. It also helps us avoid reactions. I don't think my brother is in tune with that aspect yet. It seems he hasn't caught on to her way of thinking just yet. When I think of his wife, it's like I'm making game plays for a football game or I'm a commander in the army, plotting out my next war strategy!

She and my brother just announced her pregnancy, a few days ago. It goes without saying that we are scared more than we are excited. Of course the thought of a beautiful new baby is always a wonderful event but the thought of what that baby and my brother will go through in the coming years, frightens the hell out of me. I can guarantee that this poor child will be used as leverage against my brother. That she will try to control and manipulate my mother and play on her kindness and generosity with this poor baby. At the end of the day, the baby didn't ask to be brought into this mess and that's who I feel the most empathy for. Anyway my mom and her left off in July on some not so good terms. She had sent my mom some nasty texts basically telling my mom that my mom is no longer my brothers family because SHE is now is family. Either way, my mom felt guilty once she heard they were having the baby so she struggled with how to handle it and decided yesterday (which was a day and a half after my brother original told her the news) to finally muster up the balls to call his wife to congratulate her.

In my head, I already knew she was a day late and about 10,000 dollars short. Again, trying to think for his wife, I knew she probably, in reality, should have called the day before my brother told her they were having a baby, to congratulate her, in order for his wife to not take offense to the nice gesture. Well even then, I'm sure she would have found something wrong, your mom thinks I'm pregnant (even though I am), then she must be saying, I'm a fat cow! Well after all was said and done, of course my mom got no response from his wife. Ah, the infamous BPD silent treatment. She was too late and his wife wanted her to know that. I predicted this. I knew my mom was setting herself up for failure. A rational person may have been upset but would have tried to give their husbands mother the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she was busy, maybe she told her son to say it but he forgot, maybe... .anything besides she was purposely trying to hurt me. This isn't her way of thinking. I tried to explain to my mom that at this point, we have already "crossed" her, she has already painted us black and no matter what effort we put forth from here, unless it's completely ass kissing and bowing down to her and worshipping her, it's going to be an effort wasted  because she doesn't look at things the same as you and I. I don't think my mom quite understands yet, that this person, has a completely different way of thinking than us. A black and white view of the world which is way too hard for us rational people to grasp the concept of.

I just thought of all of this and I thought of how difficult and exhausting it is to have a relationship with someone who is a high conflict, pd'd person like her. That's why I refuse to walk on the same eggshells she expects everyone else to walk on. At this point in my life, I don't have the energy.

[lucyhoneychurch]

hello there - it's exhausting because... .the energy you're investing even just thinking about all the energy you're investing is wasted on a relationship you DO NOT have... .that you won't have.

One reason you feel absolutely drained and see such futility is you didn't cause it, you can't control it. These are two other adults doing whatever it is they are doing in their lives and sadly costing your mother especially alot of heartache.

We're bystanders to other people's lives unless they show signs of being a danger to themselves or others. Emotionally of course that can happen long before we can take any legal measures and we pay a high price for poor choices in a sibling's or loved one's mate.

But it's their choice. I assure you I have been in your shoes more than I can say on a public venue - I have lost someone to what you are living with and I have mourned and had to inhale plenty of bitter toxic sorrow over the years.

If I could go back to tell myself some 20 years ago how to circumvent these emotions, it'd be - there is nothing you can do.  Nothing.

When that clicks in your mind and your gut really starts to believe it, you will see you can't help your mother work her way through this, you can only steer your own course.

It's not a game play or military strategy, or plotting a war - it's their lives and they are living as they see fit which seems to involve cutting you and your mother out of it. I have a lovely friend who just catered her son's wedding and he is with a young woman like this, with a baby about a year old now, and my friend's face with the devastation because he told the "bride" some thoughts my friend had shared about the new wife's behaviors instead of keeping it between him and his mom. The new wife threatened him with her and the baby leaving (she could she has family on another coast). So he flat out told his mother, only 2 weeks after this lovely wedding - nope, that's it, you're out.

Until your brother somehow sees the light - you are absolutely and irretrievably wasting your time. I can't put it any other way and that is trying to really give you the best advice I wish someone could've told me years ago. This message board offers the advantage of, "Same thing happened to me, here's what it was like, I empathize, please listen" experiences.

Very sorry for what has come between all of you. You don't have to do the thinking for her - you can't. That IS black and white, that truth.  Painful but true.

Living in the moment and radical acceptance is about all you can do. You didn't cause it, you can't control it.

[jmanvo2015]

I don't have any advice, but just wanted to chime in and let you know that I totally agree that it's "exhausting" to manage the relationship with someone with BPD and a High Conflict Personality.  That's my mother and she has been exhausting me my entire life.

So, I totally sympathize and empathize and am just sending you my virtual support 

[clljhns]

Hi Youcan'tfoolme,


I completely understand your frustration. I worried about my nephews while they were growing up. Not having continuous contact with several of them only added to the anxiety. When I did reconnect with two of my nephews after they were adults, one of them told me how bad their childhoods were and how much he wished I had been around while he was growing up. I wished that too. I realize that there I had no control over their situation, but at least I could have provided some support and love.

Watching the train wreck as it happens is terrifying and confusing at the same time, because you wonder why the other people on the train can't see this coming. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, your brother does see the path the train he is riding on is taking. I don't know that he would even be open to a discussion about your concerns, but it might be worth a try if you broach this with him. I would caution you to not portray his wife as unstable or irrational, but simply keep the lines of communication open by asking him he is doing.

The other thing that you will need to do for your own sanity is to remove yourself from the playing field. If you see this as a battle field in which you have to constantly prepare for war with your sister-in-law, this is most likely what will happen. I encourage you to talk with a trusted friend, or a therapist to vent your frustrations. You might want to read some of the articles here on how to communicate with a BPD.

Wishing you peace and blessings. 

[CrystalP]

It is exhausting.   I'm trying to learn more about coping strategies and am beginning to find additional solace in meditation and in trying new things.  Ive begun experimenting with new types of meditation and   I am committed to crocheting a lapghan for someone in hospice who has no one!   I've ripped it out twice so far but have support from the best husband ever.   

Believe me I completely understand your exhaustion as my BPD sibling dominates all interactions with my mom/brother whether she is there or not!   

I urge you to put 1/2 hour a day into something that makes you feel happy and fulfilled.  It's actually working. 

Best of luck in your journey.   It never ends... .sigh

[Youcantfoolme]

Hi Youcan'tfoolme,


I completely understand your frustration. I worried about my nephews while they were growing up. Not having continuous contact with several of them only added to the anxiety. When I did reconnect with two of my nephews after they were adults, one of them told me how bad their childhoods were and how much he wished I had been around while he was growing up. I wished that too. I realize that there I had no control over their situation, but at least I could have provided some support and love.

Watching the train wreck as it happens is terrifying and confusing at the same time, because you wonder why the other people on the train can't see this coming. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, your brother does see the path the train he is riding on is taking. I don't know that he would even be open to a discussion about your concerns, but it might be worth a try if you broach this with him. I would caution you to not portray his wife as unstable or irrational, but simply keep the lines of communication open by asking him he is doing.

The other thing that you will need to do for your own sanity is to remove yourself from the playing field. If you see this as a battle field in which you have to constantly prepare for war with your sister-in-law, this is most likely what will happen. I encourage you to talk with a trusted friend, or a therapist to vent your frustrations. You might want to read some of the articles here on how to communicate with a BPD.

Wishing you peace and blessings. 

Unfortunately, we are too late for this. A while ago, my brother came to me and we discussed the fact that he thinks his wife is BPD. He is aware. I have told him EXACTLY how I feel about her. Maybe it was wrong but it's too late. It was before I found this site before I knew how to deal. Now I just sit here in silence. There is nothing left to say.

[clljhns]

Hi Youcan'tfoolme,

Unfortunately, we are too late for this. A while ago, my brother came to me and we discussed the fact that he thinks his wife is BPD. He is aware. I have told him EXACTLY how I feel about her. Maybe it was wrong but it's too late. It was before I found this site before I knew how to deal. Now I just sit here in silence. There is nothing left to say.

I was wondering what you mean when you say it is too late.  You state that your brother is aware that his wife has many traits of a BPD. How did he tell you this? Does he have concerns? I would encourage you to provide your brother with the information on this site and any other relevant sites. I would also suggest that your brother will need a great deal of support from his family as he and wife prepare for the birth of their first child. It is never too late to provide a safe place for your brother and future niece/nephew.

I am not sure if you feel that you have burned a bridge with your brother in telling him how you felt about his wife. Bridges can be mended. What do you think about taking the one down approach and apologizing for your statements and explaining that it was through frustration and fear of sis-in-laws behaviors that caused you to make such statements. If your brother is in agreement that his wife has a personality problem, then it doesn't seem far fetched that you could both have an open and honest discussion about this.

Nothing is forever. Change is inevitable, even changes in the relationships you describe.

Keep posting.

Peace and blessings.