As I sit here today...

[thereishope]

So today, uBPDh took his son and went to work really early... ."Funny" I had planned to get some of my things into a storage unit today... .and lo and behold, this allows me much more time to do so.  I've been listening to sermons online all morning, looking on this board for a "touch" from someone, anyone, to give me strength to even feel strong in the thought process I'm going through... .Just now I looked at the date at the bottom of my computer screen... .in exactly one month, it will be our one year anniversary.  How can I even be thinking/planning to leave?  I feel like the BPD has destroyed my inner functioning... .I have a hard time knowing up/down left/right anymore... .This sounds stupid writing, but I know you people understand what I'm saying... .uBPDh has been sensitive and nice the past few days... .Do I submit to just being his wife with no other aspirations for the rest of my life?  Not sure I can.  Not sure I can muster up the strength to actually walk out for good either... .This all just stinks... .really bad.

[thereishope]

Tired of the head spinning that happens so easily... .Maybe he is really trying... .Maybe he is growing... .Maybe the BPD stuff will stop... .Maybe I can put up with it better... .Maybe I can find away to not let it throw my emotions out of kilter, and not to let it make my heart race when he hangs up or walks out and I can't get ahold of him... .

[thereishope]

Maybe I'm just being selfish wanting to uproot my kids again... .just when they've started being comfortable... .or is it really comfortable... .or just putting up with bad stuff?

[thereishope]

Soo... .I made it to the storage unit... .Dropped stuff off, and it's "good" there for a month... .I also texted the car people, and explained that I'm in a sticky predicament, and if they needed to go forward with another plan instead of waiting until I can do the trade I understand... .They texted back that they don't mind waiting... .That is a big relief... .so I know that at least my "stuff" is in a safe place, and that I have that car waiting there for when "it's time".  Still feel 50/50% torn, but I know that if I have everything in place, the next time uBPDh splits black, it definitely will be easier, when he shouts, "LEAVE ME ALONE!", ... .to do so if I so choose.

[Succotash]

I understand exactly the whirlpool of emotions you are going through this morning and want you to know you are definitely not alone in decisions you are facing. I hope I can offer my touch from a different perspective ... kind of like the ghost of Christmas future    I have been married to my uBPDw for 32 years and I have had your thoughts many times over. We have three awesome daughters and I always stayed because I believed it was the right thing to do for them. I wish I could tell you it was, I don't know. I have spent much time reading the forum here and things that never made sense to me are chrystal clear to me now. I never consider myself the best source to hand out relationship advice ... as after these many years I have come to this place were I must make changes in my life as well. I know this is a bit lengthy but I hope it helps you were you are now. If I had known or understood BPD 3 decades ago my life would have been very different.  Away from my uBPDw I am a very strong person and the first to stand toe to toe for the right thing ... but with her I am a supercharged codependant/enabler. I want to share an email I sent my 29 year old daughter yesterday - thus my perspective of the future ... if that makes sense. My uBPDw is now diagnosed with Breast Cancer and going through treatment, and my oldest daughter just had her first baby ... my daughter has broken all ties with her mother as she could no longer take the verbal abuse. I now realize she had to protect herself and therfore that is her boundary ... here is what I sent her yesterday;


"I appreciate you letting me know your take on this. I wish I had come across this many years ago but as they say BPD is such a new diagnosis that not much was written about it until 10 or so years ago. I laugh at my self because I have always said that if any of my kids boyfriends or husbands ever treats you all the way mom treated me ... I would be hell bent not to kill them, and strangely enough it was acceptable for me to be treated this way.  Go figure! 

I had been looking for answers for quite some time now and ran across this site about a month ago. The more I read and took it all in the more I wanted to share this with you to get your take on it. I was hesitant as you were getting ready to deliver the baby and then all the complications that followed. I know you are settling into your new role and enjoying the time with the baby so I understand were you are ~ take your time, no worries there!  There was a time not to many months ago it had gotten to the point I really thought maybe I AM crazy... or I have very serious mental issues going on ( a.k.a. projection ) . That's when I asked you if you thought I was a nut case as I have no close friends now and no one I can really discuss things with. Honestly though, until you live this experience it is hard to truly comprehend it. I have done so much reading on this website I feel like I have been on the fast-track of mental therapy :-D  and things for the first time in 32+ years finally make sense. Do you remember mom had me go to a therapist 10 or so years ago and by the third session he told me that if mom was not going to come he saw no reason to continue with me. Mom was peeved ( putting it nicely) when I told her this too!   Again... .go figure!

I read yesterday a very long and old thread under Workshops ( tons and tons of help there ) and this thread concerned my role as the non-BPD and enabler/codependent and life experience prior to becoming that. Before yesterday I never really thought much about the insane home I grew up in. I have never believed in placing blame for what you ( me ) have done or become because of the terrible life you endured as a child. To me that was just an excuse for not accepting the consequences for the decisions a person made for their life.  I view that a little different now, but still hold the belief you are what you make of yourself and you can choose your charted course in life and that total accountability falls on ones own shoulders. However, now I am more apt to believe that your history as a child and the environment you grow up in does play into things on a more subconscious level rather than conscious. It is getting to realize and understand how those experiences influence the relationship that is not healthy, and that helps me to understand how I got to the point where I am now.

I had to chuckle just a bit when you said that one of your boundaries was to have a witness when you talk to mom ... I used to feel that way but now I take it with a grain of salt. I know the truth and in the big scheme of things that is all that matters now. I could go on for quite a bit about some of mom's "realities" that 1) are completely false to the point of ridiculousness and 2) the yelling, screaming and name calling from the aforesaid realities. I realize now how I would try to shore up the bridge of all of ya'lls relationship with mom which in turn the reality was I was asking you all to be enablers as well. That was wrong. I hate that you and mom do not talk at all now but I understand why. It is, however, my hope that one day you and her can talk, let her know your boundaries and if she behaves as she always has, then you will understand why, relay the boundary and give her time and space until she is "the good mom" again. Fantasy? ... .maybe,  but I know down deep she loves all of you all and can be your best alliey when the going gets tough!   Hey... we all have to have our dreams now ;-)   I do know that you are a grown adult now and are making the decisions that are best for you, and I will respect that. "

I hope this helps you this morning... .

[thereishope]

sailorjoe,

Thank you so much for your response.  It's funny... .reading/thinking about the things I am writing, which are basically my soul crying out for some sort of reason in an inexplicable situation... .it all looks ridiculous... .so to have another human being care enough to reach out inside the insanity means an incredibly great deal to me right now.  Yes it definitely does help.  Thank you. 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts to your daughter... .I too, have kids, but thankfully from my previous marriage... .I feel bad for dragging them into this situation... .everyone strongly didn't like uBPDh, and wanted me to leave up until recently, but uBPDh bends over backwards most of the time to pamper them and give them good things (which their Dad didn't/doesn't), so barring a few regularly gruff-toned responses from him towards them, they don't have to deal with the BPD personally, and have gotten somewhat "comfortable" here... .Two of them are questioning my wanting to leave, which surprises me and makes me feel even more alone in this decision-making process... .Two still understand and are open to us leaving, without questioning me... .Overall, I understand I need to determine what I deem best for all of us... .which in itself is a difficult task, as you already well know. 

One thing in particular that you wrote REALLY struck me, because I understand COMPLETELY... .

Away from my uBPDw I am a very strong person and the first to stand toe to toe for the right thing ... but with her I am a supercharged codependant/enabler.

I feel EXACTLY the same way, and I believe it is the main thing making me think I need to leave... .I am determined to be submitted to God, seeking His will and plan for life, and seeking to serve others as He leads... .Like you stated, when away from uBPDh, it's like a whole different planet I'm living on... .the sky is blue, there is no dark cloud of controlling, negative, chaotic oppression floating over my head, and I can just BE, and LISTEN to God and DO what it is He leads me to in the moment... .I feel the exact opposite here at home, which is basically where uBPDh believes I should be the majority of the time... .I have prayed and prayed... .wanting to be sure the discomfort I feel inside (throughout our whole r/s, if I'm honest with myself) is actually spiritual unrest and not just human discomfort/discontent because things are hard... .I guess my overall question is, "Can I actually be all God wants be to be here?"  I took the kids to my parents out of state for a week about 4-5 months ago... .it was the best week we've all had for a long time... .We did things together all day, were relaxed, breathed, laughed, rested, enjoyed each other... .That is how I believe all of life should look like, ESPECIALLY for people who claim to know GOD!  Also, the Bible says where the Holy Spirit is, there is LIFE... .so it definitely does not make sense to me that what I feel around uBPDh most of the time is DEATH in my soul/spirit/heart/mind... .I believe he and this r/s is an idol in my heart... .My fault for putting it there... .Now what to do about it... .

[Indyan]

Soo... .I made it to the storage unit... .Dropped stuff off, and it's "good" there for a month... .I also texted the car people, and explained that I'm in a sticky predicament, and if they needed to go forward with another plan instead of waiting until I can do the trade I understand... .They texted back that they don't mind waiting... .That is a big relief... .so I know that at least my "stuff" is in a safe place, and that I have that car waiting there for when "it's time".  Still feel 50/50% torn, but I know that if I have everything in place, the next time uBPDh splits black, it definitely will be easier, when he shouts, "LEAVE ME ALONE!", ... .to do so if I so choose.

What sort of stuff? Furniture, boxes? Is the house you share more his than yours? I mean, knowing how scared about being left behing BPDs can be, doing this might just spark the fire... .

But this gives me ideas, I'm going to check for prices in my area (BPDs already out of house).

[thereishope]

Soo... .I made it to the storage unit... .Dropped stuff off, and it's "good" there for a month... .I also texted the car people, and explained that I'm in a sticky predicament, and if they needed to go forward with another plan instead of waiting until I can do the trade I understand... .They texted back that they don't mind waiting... .That is a big relief... .so I know that at least my "stuff" is in a safe place, and that I have that car waiting there for when "it's time".  Still feel 50/50% torn, but I know that if I have everything in place, the next time uBPDh splits black, it definitely will be easier, when he shouts, "LEAVE ME ALONE!", ... .to do so if I so choose.

What sort of stuff? Furniture, boxes? Is the house you share more his than yours? I mean, knowing how scared about being left behing BPDs can be, doing this might just spark the fire... .

But this gives me ideas, I'm going to check for prices in my area (BPDs already out of house).

I've actually come to care about "stuff" very very little, and have widdled down to not very much "stuff" over the last few years... .In dealing with this BPD situation, I think I could honestly leave with NOTHING and be ok... .But I did box up some important documents, and some favorite books and knick-knacks, and a few of the kids' toys... .I rented the smallest storage unit 5'x5'x5' and it's perfect. I am only taking my stuff... .nothing of his, and nothing of ours... .and I am doing this all secretly, even though it "confirms" uBPDh's accusation that I'm "sneaky" ... .but he threw knives at me across the kitchen once, and has threatened me numerous times (though not recently) ... .I just feel if/when I do decide to actually take the plunge (WITHOUT recycling again), I need to just do it quickly and secretly... .Right or wrong, it's what I think is best although it all feels simply horrible. 

[Indyan]

... .but he threw knives at me across the kitchen once, and has threatened me numerous times (though not recently) ... .

Do you fear for your safety or the kids'? If yes, there's not hesitation, just leave.

[thereishope]

... .but he threw knives at me across the kitchen once, and has threatened me numerous times (though not recently) ... .

Do you fear for your safety or the kids'? If yes, there's not hesitation, just leave.

No, I don't.  He has never shown any aggression toward the kids... .and with me, it has only been when I have "pushed" him, so I have learned not to push, and he has learned to walk away before feeling aggressive like that... .The worst it has been in the recent past is him pushing my hands away if I've reached out to him as he's walking away... .The best thing is just to let him go and not go after him... .I've tried to do this although not perfectly I'm sure... .I'm just not sure what he will do if I make the final decision to leave with no turning back.

[Indyan]

No, I don't.  He has never shown any aggression toward the kids... .and with me, it has only been when I have "pushed" him, so I have learned not to push, and he has learned to walk away before feeling aggressive like that... .The worst it has been in the recent past is him pushing my hands away if I've reached out to him as he's walking away... .The best thing is just to let him go and not go after him... .I've tried to do this although not perfectly I'm sure... .I'm just not sure what he will do if I make the final decision to leave with no turning back.

I was in that sort of situation a few months back. When he cancelled his appointment with therapist once more I told him I had enough and that if he wasn't willing to get some help for the sake of both of us and the kids I would leave.

From that point he started showing a very erratic behaviour, shifting from rage to despair and then being paranoid etc. He'd done that before of course, but then (the couple of weeks or so after I mentioned leaving) he made no sense at times.

What I want to say is you can expect him to go really crazy.

[thereishope]

No, I don't.  He has never shown any aggression toward the kids... .and with me, it has only been when I have "pushed" him, so I have learned not to push, and he has learned to walk away before feeling aggressive like that... .The worst it has been in the recent past is him pushing my hands away if I've reached out to him as he's walking away... .The best thing is just to let him go and not go after him... .I've tried to do this although not perfectly I'm sure... .I'm just not sure what he will do if I make the final decision to leave with no turning back.

I was in that sort of situation a few months back. When he cancelled his appointment with therapist once more I told him I had enough and that if he wasn't willing to get some help for the sake of both of us and the kids I would leave.

From that point he started showing a very erratic behaviour, shifting from rage to despair and then being paranoid etc. He'd done that before of course, but then (the couple of weeks or so after I mentioned leaving) he made no sense at times.

What I want to say is you can expect him to go really crazy.

I hate to admit that I am definitely not wanting to talk to him about my feelings about wanting to leave this time... .Been there done that... .I left a few months ago for a week... .we had excellent conversations on the phone, I expressed my feelings way more deeply and accurately about how he was making me feel by being harsh, and he promised to change, yadda yadda yadda... .so I recycled... .Now, it's almost not worth addressing... .One example... .he hung up on me on the phone the other day... .So I tell him, "You know it really does something to my insides when you hang up on me"... .His response, "I didn't call back to a get a lecture".  Other times, on his terms, always on his terms, he offers condolence for his harsh speaking (rarely if ever but yesterday he did).  Maybe I'm being a wimp, I just figure it's best FOR ME if I just get everything ready, then leave without a word... .til I'm gone.  Then we'll have to deal with a divorce... .yuck... .but whatever... .I hate this whole thing... .

[Indyan]

Maybe I'm being a wimp, I just figure it's best FOR ME if I just get everything ready, then leave without a word... .til I'm gone.  Then we'll have to deal with a divorce... .yuck... .but whatever... .I hate this whole thing... .

But WHY?

It's a sneaky escape (don't mean to parrot him )... .but for what reason?

I really think you ought to address that IMO :

What are you afraid of?

Do you realize your behaviour would end up being "abnormal" too?

What do you risk by doing things with honesty and dignity?

Are you sure it's not some kind of "revenge"?

[thereishope]

Maybe I'm being a wimp, I just figure it's best FOR ME if I just get everything ready, then leave without a word... .til I'm gone.  Then we'll have to deal with a divorce... .yuck... .but whatever... .I hate this whole thing... .

But WHY?

It's a sneaky escape (don't mean to parrot him )... .but for what reason?

I really think you ought to address that IMO :

What are you afraid of?

Do you realize your behaviour would end up being "abnormal" too?

What do you risk by doing things with honesty and dignity?

Are you sure it's not some kind of "revenge"?

This is interesting to ponder... .I'm interested in your thoughts.

I believe I have given him my honest feelings enough to feel/believe it is just a death-trap for me to do so in such a drastic way?  I told him when I was in Maine, when he could actually HEAR ME... .that I didn't know if I could keep up with this r/s if things stayed the same... .He said he understood... .Of course, things went back to "the same"... .So my strong feeling is that entering into that same dead end conversation again would turn into him controlling the situation again and me not being able to leave? Sort of along the mindset of NC... .I am "tied" to him, soul, body, mind, heart... .How does one successfully break that bond, even in the beginning of the break?  How do I tell him I want to leave when I don't want to leave and anything he says could very well make me want to stay... .even though something in me might feel as though the best thing is to leave here even if I don't want to?... . Abnormal?  I guess so... .But the whole darned situation has been incredibly abnormal if you ask me... .    

I wish him no ill... .(not at all interested in revenge)... .I really do love him and love the times we have that are split white.  I want him healed.  I also want to be free of the condemnation that I should no longer be facing because I put it all at the foot of the Cross and it's gone, but uBPDh perpetuates it.  I do want to handle this with honesty and dignity... .My thought is that once I get away from it, I will have the strength to do so.  I don't have the strength to face him with it here.  Failure on my part?  Maybe.  Survival is more in the forefront of my mind.