Forgiving her and myself

[Vatz]

So this is where I am right now.

I think the shock and anger has finally subsided. I'm no longer feeling angry at her. I look at earlier posts were I sort of vilified her and am a little embarrassed as it was mostly my anger coming out in weird weird ways.

When I talk about her and remember, most of the poison is gone.

I think I've finally reached the point where I've forgiven her. The things she has done don't really have that painful edge anymore when I remember it. Instead I sort of feel pity, I don't feel superior to her or feel like I have some moral high ground. No, I pity her because these were the actions of a frightened child who developed maladaptive behaviors and thought-patterns. Now when I think of her abuse all I can think of is "I'm afraid you'll leave me, so I'm pushing you to prove I'm right. Because that way I have control of you leaving me, otherwise it scares me to think you'd leave even if I were good." Thinking back on some of it, I just wish I could give her a hug and tell her that she doesn't have to be scared. I used to do stuff like that. Use love and kindness to help her cope. Eventually, I just didn't bother.

So that's where I'm finding it difficult. I can't quite forgive myself. After a while, 3 years into it, I stopped being so gentle. I got colder, lazier and withdrawn. I'd stay up late on the computer, and when I really think of it, what man would choose pixels on a screen over someone he loves? I know the answer, and that man was me, and I hate that guy. I'd eventually go to bed with her, but for a while I preferred to sleep by myself. I also stopped being so nice. I kept trying to make excuses so I wouldn't have to help her with things. I didn't want to invest time and energy into her anymore. It all felt so futile.

I tear up a little when I think of this one thing... .

When she'd run to the store, she'd almost always get me something. Like a frozen snickers or an energy drink (I loved those.) I did the same thing for her, too. It was our way of saying "Hey, I still think of you." Or that's how I interpreted it.

I feel ashamed at how withdrawn I became, that's where I feel I faltered on my values. That I didn't put in the work, that I could have done better. I don't feel bad about trying to cheat on her, I know why I did it and am at peace with it. Hell, I regret NOT going through with it if that makes sense. No, my real source of shame is that I was lazy. I could make up excuses "well after three years of abuse" or "well after all those affairs" but to me they feel like just that, excuses.


How does one forgive themselves? Seriously, when does a person reach a point where they're like "yup, I did that. It's okay though." I lay alone in my bed now and all I can think of is "I took it all for granted, and that's why she's not here anymore." I can't quite get over my part in why the relationship failed.

What do you do? What should *I* do?