help to not respond...

[willy45]

Hi all,

Since the last three emails my ex sent saying how childish and 'not normal' I was being about not being friends, I have been really struggling with not responding. I don't want to put energy into a 'friendship' because I have no idea what that means. Any attempt at me defining it and boundaries is ridiculed or 'mean'.

Why do I still feel like I am 'in love' with this idiot? I don't even like her and she certainly isn't very nice to me

[Blimblam]

Hi all,

Since the last three emails my ex sent saying how childish and 'not normal' I was being about not being friends, I have been really struggling with not responding. I don't want to put energy into a 'friendship' because I have no idea what that means. Any attempt at me defining it and boundaries is ridiculed or 'mean'.

Why do I still feel like I am 'in love' with this idiot? I don't even like her and she certainly isn't very nice to me

I know how you feel.  It ain't easy.  It ain't easy at all.

[fromheeltoheal]

Why do I still feel like I am 'in love' with this idiot?

Great question.  Take a look at the difference between intimacy and intensity.  High-conflict relationships with lots of drama are certainly intense, but are they ever really intimate?  Mine wasn't, although I fell for the illusion for a while.  Thing is the intensity touches parts of us that are very old, triggers us, and the feeling is much more like an addiction than true, healthy love or anything close to that.  You can stay on the rollercoaster as long as you want, or you can get off and use those feelings to dig deep and learn a lot about yourself, why you do what you do; that will make your next relationship stronger, because you're stronger and more aware in it, and it can make the whole borderline experience a good thing.  Take care of you!

[Infared]

Willy, I feel the same way. I know somewhat why I feel the way I do.

I lived with her for 5 yrs. she abruptly just ran of to new supply that she had been cheating on me with. Lied to me, said there was no one. It was SOO abrupt it almost killed me. I was clueless. She has acted out in cruel ways repeatedly with him in front of me to hurt me for years since then. By the look on her face, she is clearly enjoying trying to hurt me.

I have absolute no contact. ABSOLUTE... no matter what.

It was worse than a death for me. It was so abrupt with the person right there, but they were gone. Never any honest discussion as to what was going on. This allowed no closure for me.

It has been very difficult for me emotionally.

My ex occasionally tries to walk up to me in public. I never allow it. I do not care what SHE thinks of MY actions. I am taking care of me.

This is an extremely self-centered, dishonest, cruel, vindictive person. She may be mentally ill, but it still shakes down the same for me.

I will NEVER validate her behavior by being friendly with her.

I do not care what SHE thinks of ME.  After the way she has treated me, how could I have an ounce of self-respect if I talked to her. Even though I still feel like I miss her... .at this point, I would rather keep my dignity.  If I talked to her, I would miss my dignity more!

I choose to love me.

You can make that choice, too.

[pieceofme]

Hi all,

Since the last three emails my ex sent saying how childish and 'not normal' I was being about not being friends, I have been really struggling with not responding. I don't want to put energy into a 'friendship' because I have no idea what that means. Any attempt at me defining it and boundaries is ridiculed or 'mean'.

my ex has also accused me of "acting like a child" and "being mean." the way he expresses things to me is always so extreme and just strange (!), but it never fails that i see someone here post the exact same scenario.

[BacknthSaddle]

Many of us including myself have been here.  I can tell you that for me, the answer has come through realizing the difference between "in love" and "enmeshed."  The former bond is strong and sturdy, the latter is strong and exceedingly fragile. 

[Infared]

The thing is this. If the pwBPD never admits to ANY of there atrocities. Then, calls you a child, and if you take that on... .*(hint... .you do not have to). ... .then in effect, they are blaming you for all the probelms and taking no responsibility for ANYTHING that they did.  Casting blame... get out of their bad behavior... .just like they like it.  So manipulative. So.

[RisingSun]

Willy, I feel the same way. I know somewhat why I feel the way I do.

I lived with her for 5 yrs. she abruptly just ran of to new supply that she had been cheating on me with. Lied to me, said there was no one. It was SOO abrupt it almost killed me. I was clueless. She has acted out in cruel ways repeatedly with him in front of me to hurt me for years since then. By the look on her face, she is clearly enjoying trying to hurt me.

I have absolute no contact. ABSOLUTE... no matter what.

It was worse than a death for me. It was so abrupt with the person right there, but they were gone. Never any honest discussion as to what was going on. This allowed no closure for me.

It has been very difficult for me emotionally.

My ex occasionally tries to walk up to me in public. I never allow it. I do not care what SHE thinks of MY actions. I am taking care of me.

This is an extremely self-centered, dishonest, cruel, vindictive person. She may be mentally ill, but it still shakes down the same for me.

I will NEVER validate her behavior by being friendly with her.

I do not care what SHE thinks of ME.  After the way she has treated me, how could I have an ounce of self-respect if I talked to her. Even though I still feel like I miss her... .at this point, I would rather keep my dignity.  If I talked to her, I would miss my dignity more!

I choose to love me.

You can make that choice, too.

I hear you Infared. It's about self respect and dignity. No matter how much I want to talk to my BPDxw, out of self respect and dignity, I will not. I wouldn't give her the time of day.

After the way she destroyed our marriage and betrayed me there is no turning back or second chances.

willy,

These people don't give a rat's a$$ about what's good for you. They are only concerned with their feelings being validated and respected. They'll brag you along for as long as you allow them to. My advice, change your number, email address, block her where you need to and avoid her in public. She'll eventually get the hint (hopefully).

I'm finding after three months NC, each day gets easier to move forward. The pain is still there but the resolve to move on gets stronger.

It's crazy, the only way to deal effectively with these people is to cut all ties and go our separate ways. There's such injustice. We should be allowed, as healthy caring people, to have proper closure. Although when dealing with BPD, proper closure and "friendship" is a fantasy. Know this deep down and resolve yourself to NC. There is only more pain and suffering if you choose to have contact with her. Trust me, I've been back from the dark side (contact) and I've returned with the resolve to never go back. Learn form our mistakes so you don't have to suffer from your own.

[Infared]

Willy, I feel the same way. I know somewhat why I feel the way I do.

I lived with her for 5 yrs. she abruptly just ran of to new supply that she had been cheating on me with. Lied to me, said there was no one. It was SOO abrupt it almost killed me. I was clueless. She has acted out in cruel ways repeatedly with him in front of me to hurt me for years since then. By the look on her face, she is clearly enjoying trying to hurt me.

I have absolute no contact. ABSOLUTE... no matter what.

It was worse than a death for me. It was so abrupt with the person right there, but they were gone. Never any honest discussion as to what was going on. This allowed no closure for me.

It has been very difficult for me emotionally.

My ex occasionally tries to walk up to me in public. I never allow it. I do not care what SHE thinks of MY actions. I am taking care of me.

This is an extremely self-centered, dishonest, cruel, vindictive person. She may be mentally ill, but it still shakes down the same for me.

I will NEVER validate her behavior by being friendly with her.

I do not care what SHE thinks of ME.  After the way she has treated me, how could I have an ounce of self-respect if I talked to her. Even though I still feel like I miss her... .at this point, I would rather keep my dignity.  If I talked to her, I would miss my dignity more!

I choose to love me.

You can make that choice, too.

I hear you Infared. It's about self respect and dignity. No matter how much I want to talk to my BPDxw, out of self respect and dignity, I will not. I wouldn't give her the time of day.

After the way she destroyed our marriage and betrayed me there is no turning back or second chances.

willy,

These people don't give a rat's a$$ about what's good for you. They are only concerned with their feelings being validated and respected. They'll brag you along for as long as you allow them to. My advice, change your number, email address, block her where you need to and avoid her in public. She'll eventually get the hint (hopefully).

I'm finding after three months NC, each day gets easier to move forward. The pain is still there but the resolve to move on gets stronger.

It's crazy, the only way to deal effectively with these people is to cut all ties and go our separate ways. There's such injustice. We should be allowed, as healthy caring people, to have proper closure. Although when dealing with BPD, proper closure and "friendship" is a fantasy. Know this deep down and resolve yourself to NC. There is only more pain and suffering if you choose to have contact with her. Trust me, I've been back from the dark side (contact) and I've returned with the resolve to never go back. Learn form our mistakes so you don't have to suffer from your own.

Rising Sun... .let me also state that I gave my expwBPD many opportunities to sit down with me and come clean and discuss the situation so that I could have some understanding and closure... . I was met with the usual painted black nonsense, lies and ridicule.  It just made things worse everytime as I cared about her and us and every interaction just was more disrespectful than the next.  :)eny and lie was all I got... and it just hurts.  Always will.  Very sad.

Looks like Willy is going though the same thing and my heart goes out to him! I agree with everything that you say. Easy to say, way harder to do. Very painful grown up stuff.  It isn't easy.

[willy45]

Yeah. Ug.

Why do I want to respond? Just thinking out loud here... .

1) To defend myself (this is obviously futile and ultimately, you guys are correct... .who cares if she thinks I'm being childish)

2) I just accomplished a huge thing in my work world and I want to brag, say ha ha... .I can still do awesome ___ without you in my life (this is also futile because that would just feed her fire to continue to contact me which I don't want)

3) I would like to get some validation for the work I just accomplished (this is MY issue... .not sure why I need her validation, of all people... .that just seems really dumb... .but I guess she is the only person in my world who really understands what I do and how I got here and how awesome it is. I need to learn to do that for myself).

4) I miss having sex with her. Yup. That old one... .That is the worst one to get over. I'm sure if I were to actually see her, I wouldn't feel this way. Blah. This one sucks and keeps me stuck.

Thanks all for the help! I don't want to respond to her antagonistic messages. Why would I? Ack. This sucks. Thanks for listening.

[antjs]

I will NEVER validate her behavior by being friendly with her.

I do not care what SHE thinks of ME.  After the way she has treated me, how could I have an ounce of self-respect if I talked to her. Even though I still feel like I miss her... .at this point, I would rather keep my dignity.  If I talked to her, I would miss my dignity more!

I choose to love me.

You can make that choice, too.

[antjs]

Hi all,

Since the last three emails my ex sent saying how childish and 'not normal' I was being about not being friends, I have been really struggling with not responding. I don't want to put energy into a 'friendship' because I have no idea what that means. Any attempt at me defining it and boundaries is ridiculed or 'mean'.

my ex has also accused me of "acting like a child" and "being mean." the way he expresses things to me is always so extreme and just strange (!), but it never fails that i see someone here post the exact same scenario.

i was accused of being childish when i blocked her on facebook. i said i do not want to see anything concerning you. she was like "you could have just hided me from your newfeed. this is so childish". she was trying to keep me as a "friend" at that time and i was going along (for a week after break up) hoping that i would get closure  after that stuff escalated and i went NC. of course she was angry that i have blocked her as she can not handle rejection plus she was trying to keep some tracks on me and my life incase she needs to take me off the back burner one day.

[Infared]

Yeah. Ug.

Why do I want to respond? Just thinking out loud here... .

1) To defend myself (this is obviously futile and ultimately, you guys are correct... .who cares if she thinks I'm being childish)

2) I just accomplished a huge thing in my work world and I want to brag, say ha ha... .I can still do awesome ___ without you in my life (this is also futile because that would just feed her fire to continue to contact me which I don't want)

3) I would like to get some validation for the work I just accomplished (this is MY issue... .not sure why I need her validation, of all people... .that just seems really dumb... .but I guess she is the only person in my world who really understands what I do and how I got here and how awesome it is. I need to learn to do that for myself).

4) I miss having sex with her. Yup. That old one... .That is the worst one to get over. I'm sure if I were to actually see her, I wouldn't feel this way. Blah. This one sucks and keeps me stuck.

Thanks all for the help! I don't want to respond to her antagonistic messages. Why would I? Ack. This sucks. Thanks for listening.

I thought about this later today... .and I can really only speak for myself.  I know and like myself. This would be my response to mine if she said to me that I was being childish and "not normal" in that I did not want to be friends.

I would say: "This relationship meant the world to me. Truly. I loved you, your family and my life with all of you. You lied to me. You cheated on me. You ran off with the person that you cheated on me with. You have never admitted to any of your lies or your deceit. You ridicule me for caring and being hurt. Hell, you actually enjoy it.   I love myself, who I am and how I feel for others.   I do not need someone like you in my life. I like to be around sensitive, caring, sharing HONEST people. That is not you. I do not like the person that you have shown me that you are. Not the one that you tell me that you are. So... .please ... .stay away from me and stay out of my life."

hmmmmm... .that sounds like the final voice message that I sent to her... .and when I said the last sentence Willy... .it literally stuck in my throat... .it was the very most difficult thing that I ever had to say... .because I had loved her so deeply.  Those were  the last words that I ever uttered to her. She never responded. (what was there to say... she KNOWS that I laid the truth right out to her). Years later she has tried to walk up to me and chat it up or something... but I never allow it ... .I just turn and walk away. Not a peep.  ... .and you know what that is... .That is me loving me. Its funny... .I still miss her... .but I have absolutely nothing to say to her.  Never a place that I wanted to be... .but there it is.