Working my way back to this site

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Some time has gone by since I found this site, wrote a few things and took a break.  I found that I was just too tired to deal with all the information.  I guess I am still angry that after ten years of dealing with my mother in home, years of childhood and adult stuff that I am "stuck" with all the aftermath.  I started to pour over the readings but found that I just had to stop.  The contact with my mother is limited.  She is living 2000 miles away in a living center.  I refuse to talk with her on the phone and we are limited to weekly letters.  I get almost sick to my stomach when I see her letters and feel like a coward that I could only set boundaries when she moved out of my house.   Her letters are so meaningless, full of complaints and lies.  I check on all her complaints as I feel I am responsible for the welfare of a 95 year old but they are always unfounded, leaving me feeling foolish and yet again caught in her web.  How the heck does one deal with all the anger.   I fire back tart letters, which of course do no good but ignoring her complaints only results in an escalation of her "target for month"

[yogibear60]

Some time has gone by since I found this site, wrote a few things and took a break.  I found that I was just too tired to deal with all the information.  I guess I am still angry that after ten years of dealing with my mother in home, years of childhood and adult stuff that I am "stuck" with all the aftermath.  I started to pour over the readings but found that I just had to stop.  The contact with my mother is limited.  She is living 2000 miles away in a living center.  I refuse to talk with her on the phone and we are limited to weekly letters.  I get almost sick to my stomach when I see her letters and feel like a coward that I could only set boundaries when she moved out of my house.   Her letters are so meaningless, full of complaints and lies.  I check on all her complaints as I feel I am responsible for the welfare of a 95 year old but they are always unfounded, leaving me feeling foolish and yet again caught in her web.  How the heck does one deal with all the anger.   I fire back tart letters, which of course do no good but ignoring her complaints only results in an escalation of her "target for month"

[jdtm]

I get almost sick to my stomach when I see her letters

It can be difficult, can't it?  Personally, I would discard the letters without reading them.  Our MIL is in a nursing home and whenever there is a health issue, the nursing home telephones us.  Perhaps, you could mention this to the director in charge of the home to make you aware of any "change" in your mother or any "task/directive" that requires your attention.  Most nursing homes are excellent in this mode of care.

Then, weekly I would write chatty letters - of course you would not be addressing her "concerns" because you would not know them.  Maybe all she needs at this time in her life is contact, albeit through the written word. 

[yogibear60]

Thank you for your thoughts... .  Yes, I have been advised to not read her letters and I think I need to pay attention to the advice.  The care center does do a wonderful job in keeping me informed and I have been very clear with staff that my relationship is terrible.  OK, OK... .  I will take a deep breath and DO IT

[claudiaduffy]

I'm rooting for you on this one, and so sorry it's so bloody difficult.

My DH just threw away, unopened, two different CDs his aging uBPDm sent him via Amazon this week. She apparently thinks "don't contact us" doesn't count if it's a gift she's sending. Until we move somewhere with an address she doesn't know, we'll just have to keep throwing away her attempts to get inside our heads. But hey - we can do that! 

[yogibear60]

I am inspired by your comments.  It seems like every time I think I "get it" she changes the "it".  I have decided to break down my anger into small chunks and got at it bit by bit.