Going NC when there are kids in the middle

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I desperately need to keep a distance in order to avoid his violence. Whatever I do I get negativity back, it's so sad. I tried to phone him about baby and he wouldn't pick up the phone. Whatever dialogue I try to restore, he behaves as if I was harassing him. I hardly have him on the phone, but when I do he sounds very agressive and angry. He's been the victim for months, pretending I try to keep him away from his baby and lots of rubbish. Last night was the last straw for me, the last time I'd tried to communicate in an intelligent manner. He won't pick up the phone? OK, he won't hear about the new stuff (I got a nanny for the baby at last, and I KNOW he'll reproach that I didn't consult him on this). BTW, he's staying at his parents', 1 hr drive from our house.

I also instigated therapy for us, but no idea if he intends to do his part of the job... .

So I want to keep silent, but how?

Is there anyone here who's managed this? How?

[Indyan]

I desperately need to keep a distance in order to avoid his violence. Whatever I do I get negativity back, it's so sad. I tried to phone him about baby and he wouldn't pick up the phone. Whatever dialogue I try to restore, he behaves as if I was harassing him. I hardly have him on the phone, but when I do he sounds very agressive and angry. He's been the victim for months, pretending I try to keep him away from his baby and lots of rubbish. Last night was the last straw for me, the last time I'd tried to communicate in an intelligent manner. He won't pick up the phone? OK, he won't hear about the new stuff (I got a nanny for the baby at last, and I KNOW he'll reproach that I didn't consult him on this). BTW, he's staying at his parents', 1 hr drive from our house.

I also instigated therapy for us, but no idea if he intends to do his part of the job... .

So I want to keep silent, but how?

Is there anyone here who's managed this? How?

[Mutt]

I had a hard time with talking on the phone because it was triggering with my ex's tone of voice and accusations. It pushes buttons and it's difficult to articulate when you're caught off guard. I communicate everything by email. I don't have to listen to the tone and I can give myself time to respond back. She sends email bombs and if it's not a pressing matter I can take 24 hours and come back to it more relaxed and calm and respond back in either BIFF, SET or something simple to the point.

I only respond back regarding what the kids needs and I don't respond to accusations, FOG or anything that has to do with the marriage, divorce or her bf etc. The flipside is that everything is tracked and if I need it later for court it's in black and white.

I also have minimal contact but can't go no contact due to the kids.

[livednlearned]

Mutt has good advice, Indyan. Do you think you can communicate by email only?

If you do, and you anticipate that there will be a custody battle, be careful about what you write. Emails in high conflict custody cases tend to show up in court.

Here are two resources that might be helpful:

How to "ex" communicate:

Tension between parents, whether together or divorced, creates anxiety for the children as well as the parents. To significantly reduce or entirely eliminate the anxiety for all of the family the parents should follow two simple rules for the first two years, in order to control the communication and contact between the parents. Number one: Eliminate all face-to-face communication between the parents (including telephone contact), for a minimum of two years. Number two: All communication should be done in writing, using a memo format to communicate.

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/stacer.pdf

Dealing with Hostile Communication After the Divorce

During divorce and beyond, hostile emails are common. Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger, authors of the book "Splitting," came up with something called the B.I.F.F. method for responding to them. Blamers love sending these hostile messages and use them to attack you, your family and friends, and professionals. It’s extremely tempting to respond the same way. Hostile e-mail has also become huge in family court, as a document used to show someone’s bad behavior. While you are encouraged to save copies of hostile e-mail sent to you, it is very important that you not send hostile e-mails to anyone. They will be used against you.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=133835.0

[Indyan]

Mutt has good advice, Indyan. Do you think you can communicate by email only?

If you do, and you anticipate that there will be a custody battle, be careful about what you write. Emails in high conflict custody cases tend to show up in court.

I had legal advice today and was told that this only applies when people are married which is not our case.

I'm aware that he's being really careful about what he writes and keeps everything I write as well, he even recorded me about 30 times, but I was told it is useless.

[livednlearned]

Mutt has good advice, Indyan. Do you think you can communicate by email only?

If you do, and you anticipate that there will be a custody battle, be careful about what you write. Emails in high conflict custody cases tend to show up in court.

I had legal advice today and was told that this only applies when people are married which is not our case.

I'm aware that he's being really careful about what he writes and keeps everything I write as well, he even recorded me about 30 times, but I was told it is useless.

Are you in the U.S.?

If you don't want to answer that, can you let us know if you have sole parental rights over your baby? Meaning, is your ex's name on the birth certificate?

[Matt]

My experience is like Mutt's - I've found it works best to observe some of the rules-of-thumb other members here told me:

* E-mail is best because it leaves a trail.

* No emotions - no talk about the past or anything vague - keep it simple and practical and focused on the kids.

* Don't respond to anything that is inappropriate, like anger or threats or accusations.  If there is some practical, sensible stuff too, just respond to that.

* Keep all the emails - both to and from.  Good documentation to show how both parties acted.

* 3 sentences max, one topic per e-mail.  If it's longer than that, find the key issue, and take out everything else.

When I started communicating like this - almost no phone calls and almost no face-to-face - things got way better.  And when I found myself in court, the e-mails helped a lot - I was able to show that I had acted sensibly 100% of the time and my ex had acted badly pretty often.

[Indyan]

Are you in the U.S.?

If you don't want to answer that, can you let us know if you have sole parental rights over your baby? Meaning, is your ex's name on the birth certificate?

No, I'm in France. Yes he's on the birth certificate, and his rights are the same as mine until court order.

[Indyan]

My experience is like Mutt's - I've found it works best to observe some of the rules-of-thumb other members here told me:

* E-mail is best because it leaves a trail.

* No emotions - no talk about the past or anything vague - keep it simple and practical and focused on the kids.

* Don't respond to anything that is inappropriate, like anger or threats or accusations.  If there is some practical, sensible stuff too, just respond to that.

* Keep all the emails - both to and from.  Good documentation to show how both parties acted.

* 3 sentences max, one topic per e-mail.  If it's longer than that, find the key issue, and take out everything else.

When I started communicating like this - almost no phone calls and almost no face-to-face - things got way better.  And when I found myself in court, the e-mails helped a lot - I was able to show that I had acted sensibly 100% of the time and my ex had acted badly pretty often.

He NEVER shows angers or accuses me via email. In fact he acts as if I WERE THE ONE harassing me. He pushes my buttons and then answers stuff like "Leave me alone, you're delirious"... .He's cold, really cold, emotionless. He says "if you can't manage the kids, I'll take baby with me... ." as if normal.

I'm starting to wonder if that wasn't his plan from the beginning, whenever he "stopped" loving me... .

His "threats" about having baby FC freak me out, I'm scared he might take baby away, so I won't let him see him until court order... .or under my supervision.