Feeling guilty...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

The last message i sent my BPDexgf was a bit of a lecture and i feel not my place as im not her bf and from the sounds of it just probably made her feel more empty pushing her closer to addiction.

So I wrote an apology text...

If what i said to you last seemed like a lecture or judgement it wasnt what i intended because you deserve neither. I was trying to come from a place of care and concern because you matter to me. Regardless of my intent it wasnt my place and wrong of me. Know im here for you if you ever need someone to talk to or for support... i always will be. I hope youre doing well. Take care *insert exs name*.

Should i send this? Thoughts?

[Chasing_Ghosts]

The last message i sent my BPDexgf was a bit of a lecture and i feel not my place as im not her bf and from the sounds of it just probably made her feel more empty pushing her closer to addiction.

So I wrote an apology text...

If what i said to you last seemed like a lecture or judgement it wasnt what i intended because you deserve neither. I was trying to come from a place of care and concern because you matter to me. Regardless of my intent it wasnt my place and wrong of me. Know im here for you if you ever need someone to talk to or for support... i always will be. I hope youre doing well. Take care *insert exs name*.

Should i send this? Thoughts?

[Infern0]

Are you painted black?

If so it won't make any difference. It likely won't anyway,  you are trying to be rational.

It's hard to give advice when I don't know the full details.  If you are in a state where you can have somewhat reasonable communication then you could try it,  but if she's in BPD rage mode then there is no point.

[Infared]

Chasing Ghosts... .if your name is providing any additional information about this situation I would not send it. I would just try to pick up the pieces and move forward. My experience has been that you cannot reason with the selfish and unreasonable.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Are you painted black?

If so it won't make any difference. It likely won't anyway,  you are trying to be rational.

It's hard to give advice when I don't know the full details.  If you are in a state where you can have somewhat reasonable communication then you could try it,  but if she's in BPD rage mode then there is no point.

Thats the thing i cant tell this time. Last time she just shut me out so it was easy to tell that i obviously was.So how do i tell if i am?

She contacts for needs. Like questions and in this last instance a favor in getting her pain killers. But in the past has shared personal things too like her grandfather dying. Id say our communication is sporadic every 1-2 weeks i get a text. Though this is the first instance where our communication was more than her text my response.

This is the first time i stuck to my boundaries by refusing to enable her addiction though and shes not used to that so im probably painted black? But she definintely didnt seem to be in rage mode. Actually when i refused she kinda just guilted me at first then gave up and i responded with the previously pointed out lecture. Id say i only did this because i was triggered from her talk of shooting up heroin again using it as a threat possibly but at the time i took it seriously and just reacted without thinking. Pure emotion. She could be serious though because with her i expect the worst anymore. She was being more like total waif mode. But maybe shes angry but being passive aggressive?

[Infern0]

So to sum it up you told her off because she was trying to score drugs?

Why are you wanting to apologize,  you did the right thing.

If everyone in the world was like you and stopped enabling then maybe she'd realise she has a problem and needs help.

Do not apologize for refusing to enable deplorable activity.

The white knight is coming out,  kill him quick!

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Chasing Ghosts... .if your name is providing any additional information about this situation I would not send it. I would just try to pick up the pieces and move forward. My experience has been that you cannot reason with the selfish and unreasonable.

Yes my name is more or less a representation of the struggle of falling for the false persona in idealization that essentially becomes a ghost and most of us chase after for the whole relationship and sometimes much after like in my case. I want to move forward. I just feel like i dont want to give up yet though either. Shes been more reasonable lately but just as selfish. It makes me wonder if id like to establish a friendship. Or if im truly just looking for another recycle. Im on the brink of insanity anymore feeling pulled two directions so intensely. Not sure what to trust anymore.

So to sum it up you told her off because she was trying to score drugs?

Why are you wanting to apologize,  you did the right thing.

If everyone in the world was like you and stopped enabling then maybe she'd realise she has a problem and needs help.

Do not apologize for refusing to enable deplorable activity.

The white knight is coming out,  kill him quick!

Basically but I didnt even tell her off is the thing. To sum it up just i care about you dont want to see you going down the wrong path and i know youre trying to numb the pain that is your past and i understand but its not the way.

Yea youre right. I just feel bad i guess because one of my best friends who is heavily involved in AA/NA an ex addict told me that by saying what i said i just pushed her closer to drugs by making her feel more alone making her feel worse... hense the guilt i now feel.

Plus honestly id like to try being friends... i feel like now more than ever she needs something stable in her life as my friend also stated.

Perhaps the white knight does need a trip to the guillotine but damnit hes not going down without a battle royale that seems for d*mn sure!

[Infared]

So... .let's see... .she contacts you when she need drugs... .or when she is emotionally needy.

You need to look at why you want to be in contact with this person.

This is all downward spiral.

[Infern0]

Mate I am in almost the EXACT same boat as you. Wanting to establish a friendship,  but there's that nagging "what if" in the back of my mind also

I've cut so many toxic people out of my life but still I make room for her, I CAN'T give up on her.  It's just not possible.

For me it's been about quantifying that.

I have comms open,  she's still doing her thing, ruining her life over and over.  I'm just on the other end of the phone,  here if I'm needed. I don't accept abuse. She is slowly getting the message that I have boundaries.

If you can detach as much as possible,  get your own life back and be like well,  everything else is going right and I'm just doing what I can to help in the healthiest way possible for me, then you'll be good.

I give her one hour of my time per day. That time is learning S.E.T and such,  to improve my communication with her and also learning about eating disorders etc to be a better "friend"

It's a case of doing what I can,  I can't force my help on her,  I can only give it if/when she asks. And I have made some inroads.

Again though,  she is just one thread in my life.  The rest of my time is on self improvement.  Excercise,  having fun with friends,  normal stuff.  One hour per day.  That's what I give to try to help her

I will also add that in my case it's a bit different as she's ACTUALLY in danger of dying due to her various other issues.  The situation is critical and I'm not going to have her dying without doing whatever I can to prevent it.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

So... .let's see... .she contacts you when she need drugs... .or when she is emotionally needy.

You need to look at why you want to be in contact with this person.

This is all downward spiral.

I needed to hear that...

Idk whats wrong with me that i want her to be a part of my life.

Mate I am in almost the EXACT same boat as you. Wanting to establish a friendship,  but there's that nagging "what if" in the back of my mind also

I've cut so many toxic people out of my life but still I make room for her, I CAN'T give up on her.  It's just not possible.

For me it's been about quantifying that.

I have comms open,  she's still doing her thing, ruining her life over and over.  I'm just on the other end of the phone,  here if I'm needed. I don't accept abuse. She is slowly getting the message that I have boundaries.

If you can detach as much as possible,  get your own life back and be like well,  everything else is going right and I'm just doing what I can to help in the healthiest way possible for me, then you'll be good.

I give her one hour of my time per day. That time is learning S.E.T and such,  to improve my communication with her and also learning about eating disorders etc to be a better "friend"

It's a case of doing what I can,  I can't force my help on her,  I can only give it if/when she asks. And I have made some inroads.

Again though,  she is just one thread in my life.  The rest of my time is on self improvement.  Excercise,  having fun with friends,  normal stuff.  One hour per day.  That's what I give to try to help her

I will also add that in my case it's a bit different as she's ACTUALLY in danger of dying due to her various other issues.  The situation is critical and I'm not going to have her dying without doing whatever I can to prevent it.

Ok so from your standpoint with my lecture would this make her paint me black? What im hoping is if i play the game and apologize then shell be more apt to open up the door for some communication. Although at the same time i dont want her to think breaking boundaries is ok. How do i convey both?

I feel the same way ive cut alot of people out. Not her. I cant give up on her when everyone else has in her life. I WONT.

Ive detached before but recycled. She claims she just wanted a friendship after we split again. I regret trying again and having to do all this over. But i might not have time this go around.

I want to do exactly what youre doing. Be there but from a distance. So its not completely draining and unhealthy. I know i cant handle being to close history has proved that. 

My situation is pretty critical too mate she is in danger of dying if shes getting into shooting up as the batches of herion around here are laced and alot of addicts i know are dead. Im not trying to attend her funeral either.

[Infared]

CG... I have been that guy... .it never turns out well. I needed to hear tough love... .from people who cared... .I wasn't always able to let it in... .but it was the voice of reason.

I needed to be healthy enough to have a woman in my life, that had a life, was basically happy and who wanted to share it with me. Oh, and was receptive to me sharing my life with her. Now... .that is a fantasy but one to strive for, not an emotionally needy drug addict. She is the only one who can do anything about that. You can't help her. I know. I am in recovery 12 years. I wrecked a lot of relationships.

[Infern0]

Well you should look up S.E.T as that has really helped me to communicate in a way that gets through to her when she disregulates. It seems as though you are flipping between black and white, similar to me. If you can improve your communication you can offset that somewhat.

I certainly wouldn't apologize,  in my case I didn't and I didn't need to,  I qualified that bad things had happened but that it was in the past and I was here to help. I think that was the best I could have done.