Fall down 53 times, get up 54. NC, ground 0

[kc sunshine]

I was doing okay with LC, but broke it last night against my better judgement. We had one bit of unfinished LC business to take care of and I couldn't/didn't resist calling her back to see if we could get together to talk things through in person the next week (our whole breakup was over phone/text). Then she wanted to talk about it on the phone yesterday, even though the phone has been a disaster for our communication. She kept texting and I decided what the hell, I can be brave, and face the music on the phone. It was awful, went way too late into the night, and now I'm back to square one, ground zero. A part of me is even thinking of suggesting to her that we see a therapist to try to communicate better around this breakup. Another part of me knows that that is a terrible idea though, that we should just go our separate ways and NC, that we have both hurt each other enough and it is time to stop the bloodshed. So hard to not engage, not keep trying though. Looking for help and direction here, dear BPD family. The good thing is that there is absolutely nothing left to be in LC about (yesterday's thing was the last thing).

[PhoenixFromTheFlames]

KC - UGH, I'm so sorry you are going through this.  I do understand what it feels like -- it's so painful.  I would reengage contact and it was always the same ending.  We all have to walk our own path in healing.  What I will offer you is this - try to put yourself first.  More contact feels like putting ourselves first because we are hopefully (and I believe we are all very hopefully/optimistic people or we wouldn't have endured the r/s and tolerated the behavior) but contact really isn't putting ourselves first bc the our pwBPD can't give us what we need/want.  Only we can heal ourselves.  I'm nearly six months nc and prior to that was nc and lc for about 12 months.  Honestly, its just not worth it.  I found that if I would quiet my mind and focus on what I really knew about her in terms of how she made me feel... .I didn't want to go back.  I had to work my way out of the behaviors that had been habituated of seeking/wanting her love/affection/to be important to her/healing the pain through her.  I had to learn to stop my dysfunctional behavior and thinking/believing things could be different -- accepting the reality of what happened, who I became when I was with her, how she treated me, etc... .was difficult and it was why I ended up in this situation in the first place ... .focusing on "what I wanted" versus focussing on reality and what was really happening.

Find some distractions to reroute yourself, look at your pwBPD's picture and think of what happened -- rework your metal circuits / re-wire your thoughts so you can properly have you pwBPD in the right mental and emotional frame where he/she belongs and surround yourself with people that love you through their actions.  We have to relearn rom others how we really deserve to be treated after bearing so much trauma.

Good luck, my friend

[kc sunshine]

Pheonix-- Thank you for these words of really helpful wisdom. Today is a really bad day, after lots of days of feeling pretty good. I have to remember what makes today such a bad day: contact and engagement. It is such a twisted part of the process that makes me think that more contact will resolve this pain instead of exacerbate it. You are very right-- I have to rework my mental circuits. Your story is an inspiration to me.

[kc sunshine]

I already know it's not, but I'll write it hear just because it the idea swimming around in my brain (doing laps back and forth, back and forth): it's not a good idea to ask her to meet together with a therapist to get more peaceful closure, right?