changing...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So, since my ex disappeared I've hit rock bottom. But here in the last few weeks it's been weird, I've hit the gym like a psycho and excelled at work. I bought new clothes and everything. It's like I've completely changed myself image. What is going on here? Please help.

[hurting300]

So, since my ex disappeared I've hit rock bottom. But here in the last few weeks it's been weird, I've hit the gym like a psycho and excelled at work. I bought new clothes and everything. It's like I've completely changed myself image. What is going on here? Please help.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hitting rock bottom is an opportunity, to reinvent yourself any way you want; it's part of taking our selves back.  I got lost in the relationship, and as I found myself again, everything I am and had been took on a new importance, with supercharged motivation to not only take myself back but make me much better, much more focused, much more directed.  Plus, I needed to be honest about where I was when she showed up: isolated, lonely, susceptible.  A benefit of these relationships is the focus we get about what really matters to us when they end, the courage to be honest with ourselves, and the motivation to move towards what we say we really want.  It's a brand new world, let's enjoy it!

[hurting300]

I'll honest with you, it's like she give me a gift... I've never been this motivated before. It's like I've been in prison and just got out now I want it all.

[OutOfEgypt]

It motivates, and it also frees up so much psychic energy that was formerly spent trying to hold everything together and walk on eggshells for them.  It really is like quitting a second full-time job... .a job that sucks, pays nothing, demands you be on-call 24/7, and kicks you when you are down.  Who *wouldn't* suddenly have a burst of motivation and productivity after that?

[hurting300]

And to think I thought it was all my fault and I was the abuser. At least I'm on my way now.

[OutOfEgypt]

Yes.  As my T has said, "Thank God that you got out!  Many people spend their entire lives in that."  No shame in being confused and duped.  Time to pick up the pieces.

[hurting300]

My ex wasn't your typical raging BPD, she wrote down everything instead of saying it and ignored me... I honestly had no clue how it was until recently, when it hit me.

[freedom33]

Thanks for sharing! It's good to read something positive for once in these forums. A great opportunity to rise from the ashes indeed!

[hurting300]

Ok, after research I found out they are such a thing called (the gift from a borderline)

[Lights843]

People are shaped in different ways by their significant other whether we want to believe it or not. We do this to accommodate their needs and try to remain attractive to them mentally, physically, etc. I don't think this is exclusive to a relationship with a BPD but I do think our accommodations are greater and their needs are more demanding giving us less time to be an individual or who we actually want to become. That's fascinating because we are essentially becoming a chameleon for them.

I admit I was molded a bit. I had no idea until I got out of my relationship with my exBPDwife but I am certainly a much different looking person now. Not to mention with the unfortunate set of circumstances I have become even more mature than I was. My goals are different and my responsibilities are practically non existent whereas before I waited on her for hours on end giving me very little time for introspection.

In a couple of BPD related books I have read this process of personal development post-relationship is a normal one and the non-BPD must focus on the positive morals and values that were forged throughout their life. Don't stray from those and feel certain that you're good and want to improve your mental and physical health in order to achieve a healthy relationship with your next SO.

[hurting300]

Let's say by some miracle, my ex is not mentally ill. She was still never happy. She still lied constantly. She still said inappropriate comments to me. She still talked bad about me behind my back to other men. So now I'm free! I'm improving myself and I'm getting happy again. What kind of woman dumps you without telling you because your controlling and jealous and then stalks you after they breakup? A mentally ill coward does this.