intro

[rml]

Hello.  I just joined today. I am a 39 yr old mother of 5. My oldest son is 20 and has mental illness. He was treated as having bipolar disorder and anxiety as a child and now as an adult has textbook symptoms of borderline personality disorder. We dealt with many hospitalizations, meds, therapy, and self harm for years. One thing that I never did that I now regret is applying for disability for him. I was torn about closing doors for him... .when receiving treatment he did well... .but now that he is an adult he refuses treatment and lives his life in chaos.  I'm just looking for support. There are not many people in my life that understand what we deal with.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[DreamGirl]

There are not many people in my life that understand what we deal with.

I think this is the hardest part for a lot of us. It is so difficult to have people understand the struggles we face and how hard it really is to find peace in chaos.

You're in the right place, rml. We do understand and the parents who have children they love so much suffering from this disorder more then understand. They are travelling the same path.   

How do your other kiddos deal with their brother's issues? How old are they? What about their dad, how is he coping?

~DG

[pessim-optimist]

Hello rml,



I want to join DreamGirl in welcoming you to this site.

It must be so difficult for all of you - is your son still living with you?

Perhaps it's not too late to apply for disability... .

In any case, tell us more about yourself - feel free to share whatever you are comfortable with.

We are here to support you and we understand - you are not alone in this!

[rml]

Thank you for the welcome.

No, S20 is not living with us. Because of his aggressive behaviors and the effects they have on my younger children, he has not been here since he turned 18.  He is living with his girlfriend, who also has BPD and is untreated.  They are now expecting a baby.    My other children are 18 (no longer lives at home), 15, 11 and my husband and I have a 10 month old.  My husband's children from his previous marriage, are 13, 10 and 9 but they do not live with us.

For years, while S20 was growing up our family was centered on getting him help. My other children have suffered a lot because of their brother's illness. They have grown up with life being centered on getting S20 help, until he turned 18 and moved out.  I am now able to focus on them more and try to give them the attention I couldn't give them when he was home.  They have been through a lot with his illness and have many times been victim to his aggression and violent outbursts. We have done family therapy in the past to help them overcome this stuff and they are doing ok now.

S20 however, continues to struggle so much.  He is in complete denial that he is ill and rebels against any form of help.  He continues to be aggressive and blames those he trusts the most for all his problems.  He refuses to take any responsibility for his actions whatsoever and seems to have no boundary when it comes to things he will say to hurt those that love him (me and his pregnant girlfriend usually, also his 18 yr old sister).  He has a history as a teen of self harm and suicidal thoughts and continuously puts himself in bad situations as results to his bad choices then expects to be rescued.  Using tough love on him only pushes him away from me more.  I keep boundaries with him such as refusing phone calls when he is verbally abusive to me and calling for help when he makes threats to hurt himself.  I worry he is being physically aggressive with the girlfriend and she is not innocent either... .  I really worry about his future and now recently, the future of his baby, my first grandchild that we recently learned will be here in April.  

[pessim-optimist]

Oh, that's just really hard with the new baby on the way on top of everything... . 

While I am sorry you have all this to deal with - I'd say you are off to a really good start with some boundaries and keeping the rest of your family protected and safe.

As far as supporting your oldest son, you are absolutely right that tough love only pushes them away and doesn't help. The techniques and communication skills that are needed for people w/BPD are somewhat counter-intuitive, and take a while to master, but it pays off in the long run: In short, there need to be clear boundaries, while at the same time solid support without necessarily solving their problems for them.

When you feel up to it, please feel free to check out the Tools and Lessons for Parents  in the right panel at the top  --->

There is a lot to absorb, but even starting from the beginning will be helpful (listening with empathy, validating the valid, and responding with S.E.T. (Support, Empathy, Truth).

If you like to read books, Loving Someone w/BPD is a great book with many practical suggestions on how to best deal with different life situations and how to help our loved one in a healthy way.

And last, but not least - please keep coming back and keep posting - it will make you feel better and you will hear from other parents who have been there - lots of collective experience here... .

[qcarolr]

Hi rml

The suggestions pessim-optimist offers are the ones that have helped me. It takes some time to get through it all -  having a book to refer back to has helped me a lot. The TOOLS have also been life-savers for me.

When grandkids get involved it complicates our decision making depending on our contact level with our BPDkids. My BPDDD28 used our gd (now 9) to try and manipulate us when gd was a baby. "I am leaving and you will never see either of us again!"  My mind knew this was very very unlikely to happen, esp. the 'never' part. My heart was torn to shreds. I was not good with the boundaries, worse with being consistent, and jumped right in to be the 'fixer'. It has taken me a long time to integrate the skills here so I am more likely than not to respond in a healthy way to stay connected with DD and still preserve those safety boundaries and my health.

Lots of self-care and building that support network - I could no longer pretend to do this on my own. My connection with my DD is so much better and I am better able to be the custodial grandparent for gd9 (our choice since she was a baby and the daddy left - in his second prison now). DD could not do it on her own, even though she has struggled to accept this in her heart. So much raging about our custody of gd - the end of every argument, in front of gd too many times even as we tried to get her away with our safety plan. That part is even getting better between all of us.

What kind of contact do you have with your DS? How well do you know the gf? Do they have any support from her family or others in your family? How far away do they live?

Perhaps if you can build a new way to connect with DS and gf, the baby may lead them to seek help. Not necessarily - just hopefully. It may be that DSS will need to get involved to protect this precious, innocent child. That is a valid reason to try to make a better connection with them now if possible.

My DD seems to be moving toward accepting some help to move forward in her life. She wants to get off drugs, get mental health care, get some medical issues resolved, find a way to live more independently. Most of these are newer goals for her. She knows that this is needed to rebuild contact with gd. The past couple years, when DD was technically living in our home, were so hard. A real roller coaster. I did not realize the trauma of this for gd, or for myself, at the time. She has lived in homeless community for most of the past 5 years, even when all her stuff and her down time was in our home.

Even if DD can never be more than a visitor in our home - and that for a short visit like a holiday or birthday - I have been able to assure her that I will always love her - no matter what. And I have come to believe this in my very being. And I am unshakable on safety boundaries similar to yours.

Hang in there - keep coming back to share, ask questions, or just vent frustrations.

qcr