Could someone please tell me how to walk away for good.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I know I deserve better.  I know it in my head but I'm stuck.  I went back into the relationship.  Things were good for a while as expected, but now she says I control everything and she doesn't feel loved by me.  I am trying hard to keep my head above the water, but I feel like I'm about to drown.  I feel like I am dead inside.  But I can't move.  What keeps me here?  This isn't love.  It can't be.  I have been posting on the undecided board again.  I feel like I have to prove myself and every move.  I just want out.  But how?  I lasted less than a month with no contact from my dBPDgf.  And then I answered a call from an unknown number.  Looking back, I answered with hope that it was from her.  And it was.  I wished to God I could just walk away and not look back.  She has already taken so much of me that I don't recognize myself anymore.  How do I get the strength to walk away?  I have no hope.  She just called and said that our relationship is going no where.  We talked for a few moments and then I told her I had to go.  I know she will call back.  What do I do?  I know you can't tell me to stay or go, but how do I walk away for good.  How do I settle it in my heart that this is as good as it's ever going to get?  Any insight will help.

[WhoMe51]

I know I deserve better.  I know it in my head but I'm stuck.  I went back into the relationship.  Things were good for a while as expected, but now she says I control everything and she doesn't feel loved by me.  I am trying hard to keep my head above the water, but I feel like I'm about to drown.  I feel like I am dead inside.  But I can't move.  What keeps me here?  This isn't love.  It can't be.  I have been posting on the undecided board again.  I feel like I have to prove myself and every move.  I just want out.  But how?  I lasted less than a month with no contact from my dBPDgf.  And then I answered a call from an unknown number.  Looking back, I answered with hope that it was from her.  And it was.  I wished to God I could just walk away and not look back.  She has already taken so much of me that I don't recognize myself anymore.  How do I get the strength to walk away?  I have no hope.  She just called and said that our relationship is going no where.  We talked for a few moments and then I told her I had to go.  I know she will call back.  What do I do?  I know you can't tell me to stay or go, but how do I walk away for good.  How do I settle it in my heart that this is as good as it's ever going to get?  Any insight will help.

[SpringInMyStep]

It will get better. So just read what you wrote again and listen to what you're saying. You're about to drown. You feel dead inside. You want out. You don't recognize yourself anymore.

Ask yourself if this is the type of relationship you really want for yourself.

You can take your life back!

Once you identify what you want, you can totally do it. Remember when you were NC for what, a month? Remember how you were free and could do whatever you wanted?

Make a mental pro/con list and you will see that the benefits of being away from her far outweigh being with her, even though it's emotionally difficult because you love her.

Also, it has to be a clean break. You have to really disengage and separate everything and not drag it out.

You said it yourself, you DO deserve better.  

[seeking balance]

Walking away for good or staying away - the only consistent key I have seen is when the pain of staying attached becomes greater than the pain of leaving.

None of us are done until we are - you will know.  It will hurt and be hard, but you will know.

WhoMe51 - are you in therapy?

[WhoMe51]

Thank you ilovestrawberries for the support.  The con list outweighs the pro list by far.  I do love her. And this is what has kept me going back I guess.

Seeking balance,

I was going to a therapist for about 2 years on and off.  She finally said that she didn't feel as if she could help me anymore.  She said the rest was up to me.  So she dropped me.  I am kind of hesitant to go to another one.  I trusted her with a lot of stuff and to be dropped just gets to me. 

[willtimeheal]

WhoMe

I went to 2 therapists before I really found the one that understands me and what I have gone through. When it comes to therapy you do have to shop around until you find the right one.  I don't agree that the rest is up to you. Detaching and starting again is brutal but it is SO so doable and worth it. With the right therapist they can help you thru each step.

As far as finding the strength... .You have it within you. You have to recognize it and you have to recognize your value and worth.  I believe you are starting to see  It based on what you have said. Detaching is also no longer making it about the BPD. It is making it about you and only you. You have  to become the important person now. The one you take care of. It's time to put you first. It is foreign to you cuz you have been so busy ignoring your needs... .but now is the time to step up and take care of yourself.

[rockinne]

Let go of the fantasy relationship with the woman that can never be.  Only then can you let go of the real relationship that is so toxic and painful.  You cannot rescue her from her pain.  You cannot provide her the happiness she has never known.  Her pain comes from within, but to her you are the cause of it.  You are her demon.  She may tell you she loves you and that you make her happier than anyone else has ever done before.  That's all relative and you have hurt her like nobody else has before too.  You do that just by being yourself.  The same way you bring so much happiness into her life.  You never know which it will be to her.  Whether you make her happy or hurt her terribly.  You can't know, because you have no control of that.  She has all control over you.  She is able to manipulate you with her emotional blackmail.  You depend on that control.  At least somebody is in control and you don't have to be.  How do I know?  I allowed the same thing to happen to me for a very long time.  What is the answer?  Take back control.  Let go of the toxic relationship  Let go of her.  Cherish the liberation.  Cherish your dignity.  Cherish the opportunity to be yourself again. 

[Hopeless777]

Walking away for good or staying away - the only consistent key I have seen is when the pain of staying attached becomes greater than the pain of leaving.

None of us are done until we are - you will know.  It will hurt and be hard, but you will know.

WhoMe51 - are you in therapy?

How incredibly true. Took me three recycles, but then "I knew"! Had to go or die. You will know when the time has come.

[Blimblam]

The walking away is not the hardest part it's getting them out of your mind. 

[Waifed]

The walking away is not the hardest part it's getting them out of your mind. 

Truer words have never been spoken. A year ago this week I started NC. It is like day and night how far I have come. Unfortunately the one year anniversary is killing me. It is truly unbelievable the power She has over me at the moment. Frustrating but I will win. 

[Blimblam]

The walking away is not the hardest part it's getting them out of your mind. 

Truer words have never been spoken. A year ago this week I started NC. It is like day and night how far I have come. Unfortunately the one year anniversary is killing me. It is truly unbelievable the power She has over me at the moment. Frustrating but I will win. 

Seriouasly the bond has the potential to be more powerful than then one created with your mother.  It's like perfect mother, lover and daughter and your connection to god all in one bond. It's like forsaking this bond is forsaking god.

I'm sorry waifed. One day man on day.

[WhoMe51]

rockinne,

Your'e right I have to let go of the fantasy relationship that we had in the beginning.  The relationship we have is toxic and painful.  I never know if I'm doing the right thing.  And then I get confused to what works and what doesn't.  I have no power over this relationship.  I find myself continuously having to prove my love or shower her with love and I get the same response from her "I don't feel like you love me."  What more can a person do?  I have to stop this madness.  I am forsaking my own needs for the sake of a bottomless pit.  I appreciate your words and your openness about my situation.  What you said really hit home when you said you never know which one it will be.  It doesn't matter what I do. Because it's not about me, it's about her and her pain, and disorder.  I didn't cause it and I can't change it no matter what I do or don't do...

[willtimeheal]

Walking away for good or staying away - the only consistent key I have seen is when the pain of staying attached becomes greater than the pain of leaving.

None of us are done until we are - you will know.  It will hurt and be hard, but you will know.

I do believe this is the best advice and truest advice I have ever heard. You will know.

[SpringInMyStep]

The walking away is not the hardest part it's getting them out of your mind. 

Yes! It's been about two months and while I'm very happy we're not together, it's taking a while for thoughts to fade and for me to not think about her anymore, even though all of the thoughts are angry ones. I trust this'll go away gradually.

[seeking balance]

Seeking balance,

I was going to a therapist for about 2 years on and off.  She finally said that she didn't feel as if she could help me anymore.  She said the rest was up to me.  So she dropped me.  I am kind of hesitant to go to another one.  I trusted her with a lot of stuff and to be dropped just gets to me. 

I can appreciate your hesitation on therapy after this experience, I would  have felt as you do.  This is not appropriate behavior from a T and I am surprised she didn't refer you to someone else.  I am sorry you had such a lousy experience.

WhoMe

I went to 2 therapists before I really found the one that understands me and what I have gone through. When it comes to therapy you do have to shop around until you find the right one.  I don't agree that the rest is up to you. Detaching and starting again is brutal but it is SO so doable and worth it. With the right therapist they can help you thru each step.

As far as finding the strength... .You have it within you. You have to recognize it and you have to recognize your value and worth.  I believe you are starting to see  It based on what you have said. Detaching is also no longer making it about the BPD. It is making it about you and only you. You have  to become the important person now. The one you take care of. It's time to put you first. It is foreign to you cuz you have been so busy ignoring your needs... .but now is the time to step up and take care of yourself.

Very wise words - and so true.

YOU deserve a T who will give you the time necessary.  Having a therapy plan is important.  As hard as this might be, try giving a few others a call - even interview them as you would hiring another professional.  It helps, honestly.

Peace,

SB

[PhoenixBlack]

I find myself continuously having to prove my love or shower her with love and I get the same response from her "I don't feel like you love me."  What more can a person do?  I have to stop this madness.  I am forsaking my own needs for the sake of a bottomless pit.

This describes mine too. It doesn't matter how much you do OR what you have done before (unless it was perceived as bad by them in which case they will remember). They react to the 'now' as far as you are concerned. Just because you said you loved her yesterday, in her mind doesn't not mean that you love her today.

As others have said, it does get better with time however no one but you can tell you how to walk away for good. YOU have to do that and you will know when it's time because you can't take any more. In my case it when when the pain of the emotional abuse because greater than my love (read addiction) for her. And it was hard to say those words to her... doubting myself even as they left my mouth.

I remember that feeling of drowning and of losing myself in that emotional black hole and I don't miss it.

[freedom33]

I always thought a special time would come... .an auspicious sign, something would tell me when I would/could/should end things with her. I kind of developed magical thinking I suppose. It wasn't at all so in the end. She just pissed me off one day with something relatively minor and not remotely close to major incidences of the past but things were piling up and that was the last drop. I don't know why but it was very spontaneous, almost instinctual, something clicked in me and just said 'don't call me, don't talk to me again, you are finished' and left her there standing. And that was it. NC and feeling so good now.

[freedom33]

.

[Jersey Roots]

 Its not easy... .you just have to go cold turkey. I had a hunch she wanted me to react and fly off the handle the day she dropped the hot potato on my lap. But I wasnt going to give her the pleasure. I felt the anger, adrenaline... .but I wasn't going to drop to her level. I went NC immediately... .(I don't have FB, or texting on my phone) so that helped. I was a mess for almost 6 months, I couldn't wait to get to my truck at lunch so I can let it out. I cried almost every day on the way home from work and before I went to bed.  Its been over a 14 months and I never heard from her. I recently snooped to find info on her, for a bit of closure I guess and found out she married a guy 21 years younger. This guy has no idea what monster hes with.

All I know is it will get better. Like what most have posted... .take this time for you... .I feel a lot better... .I still have my moments... .doubts if I will find some one else... .but I might... .

Dont quit... .the days Im low... .and have no fight left, take a moment and think logicly... .shes not worth it... .you are... .keep going my friend... .

[tim_tom]

This describes mine too. It doesn't matter how much you do OR what you have done before (unless it was perceived as bad by them in which case they will remember). They react to the 'now' as far as you are concerned. Just because you said you loved her yesterday, in her mind doesn't not mean that you love her today.

As others have said, it does get better with time however no one but you can tell you how to walk away for good. YOU have to do that and you will know when it's time because you can't take any more. In my case it when when the pain of the emotional abuse because greater than my love (read addiction) for her. And it was hard to say those words to her... doubting myself even as they left my mouth.

I remember that feeling of drowning and of losing myself in that emotional black hole and I don't miss it.

yep, she was big on saying You hate me... I just thought she was being melodramatic, but reading an old thread here on "things BPD'ers say" seems like it's pretty typical...

Anyway, honestly... she just sucked the will away from me to even do try anymore. What is the point when it's the same thing whether you do or don't, I don't do enough, I don't love her enough, the magic is gone, you hate me... .It's 2pm on a Tuesday and I'm working, I am sorry i can't meet your emotional needs at the moment

[tim_tom]

To the OP, I was trying to figure this out for myself and had decided a local no BS therapist would help me. Before I had my first appointment, she dropped me...

And i was distraught

[willtimeheal]

I always thought a special time would come... .an auspicious sign, something would tell me when I would/could/should end things with her. I kind of developed magical thinking I suppose. It wasn't at all so in the end. She just pissed me off one day with something relatively minor and not remotely close to major incidences of the past but things were piling up and that was the last drop. I don't know why but it was very spontaneous, almost instinctual, something clicked in me and just said 'don't call me, don't talk to me again, you are finished' and left her there standing. And that was it. NC and feeling so good now.

Freedom... .same thing with me. I just snapped one day and that was it for me. I was done.  A bunch of big and little things that piled high and then it was like she tried to pile one more thing on top and I snapped. See ya!

[goldylamont]

I always thought a special time would come... .an auspicious sign, something would tell me when I would/could/should end things with her. I kind of developed magical thinking I suppose. It wasn't at all so in the end. She just pissed me off one day with something relatively minor and not remotely close to major incidences of the past but things were piling up and that was the last drop. I don't know why but it was very spontaneous, almost instinctual, something clicked in me and just said 'don't call me, don't talk to me again, you are finished' and left her there standing. And that was it. NC and feeling so good now.

Freedom... .same thing with me. I just snapped one day and that was it for me. I was done.  A bunch of big and little things that piled high and then it was like she tried to pile one more thing on top and I snapped. See ya!

kind of the same for me. although i kind of had pre-determined what i would do depending on her behaviors. about 10 months after we broke up we had started talking again. and after a few weeks of talking it felt like we had both done some growth. at the time both of us were dating people but not 100% committed in either case. and we both decided to give the r/s a try again. but, i had already thought about the possible outcomes. i couldn't figure out if she really truly wanted to get back together, or if she didn't but wanted to try and be respectful friends, or if she was just being selfish, still clung to the idea of punishing me and just wanted me to stop seeing the woman i was dating (so she could 'win'.

so i gave it a month and watched her behaviors. and they went from being caring/clingy to being completely distant with silent treatment. at the end of my month-long timeline i spoke with her over the phone. we were cordial the whole month actually, no drama. yet when i asked how she felt about things, specifically if she wanted to see other people she started getting snotty and belittling me, asking me "why are you so insecure now?". uh, really? so for me the answer was clear. she just wanted to play games and string me along while she sexed up other men, with the benefit of having me break up with the woman as i was dating as an extra prize. i was disgusted. no big argument or anything but i had my answer so i went nc from then on. and since then things got even worse for her than i would have thought.

i think the important thing here is that you have to have clear boundaries and stick to them. my boundary for myself was very clear. there was no way i was going to play second fiddle while she lied about her whereabouts and planned to sleep with other men. i don't care what she said to me. so i knew what i had to do.

to the original person who posted--what does this person have to do in order for you to walk away for good? << you have to be able to answer this question for yourself or you'll never feel in control of your situation. if you cannot answer this question i think it's important to find help to understand why you are having difficulties setting boundaries.

[Tolou]

Walking away for good or staying away - the only consistent key I have seen is when the pain of staying attached becomes greater than the pain of leaving.

None of us are done until we are - you will know.  It will hurt and be hard, but you will know.

WhoMe51 - are you in therapy?

How incredibly true. Took me three recycles, but then "I knew"! Had to go or die. You will know when the time has come.

I agree too

[tim_tom]

to the original person who posted--what does this person have to do in order for you to walk away for good? << you have to be able to answer this question for yourself or you'll never feel in control of your situation. if you cannot answer this question i think it's important to find help to understand why you are having difficulties setting boundaries.

I am not the OP, but I will take a swing. I think the issue is that all of us desperately want to get back to that initial phase and the ego boosting glory of having some attractive girl completely idolize you.

What I am trying to focus on is that it was all a mirage. "Love you more then anyone else, want to spend the rest of my life with you, etc" was never real, but a symptom of the disorder. Sure maybe the BPD  really felt those things, at the time, but when you stop and consider... they've probably said this to nearly every boyfriend in the past... it's proof that it was never real in the way an emotionally healthy adult would feel those things. More like a young child who when getting a new doll for her birthday and exclaims how much she loves it and she's going to play with it everyday for the rest of her life... only to find it dusty, missing an arm and stuffed under the couch months later.

[goldylamont]

to the original person who posted--what does this person have to do in order for you to walk away for good? << you have to be able to answer this question for yourself or you'll never feel in control of your situation. if you cannot answer this question i think it's important to find help to understand why you are having difficulties setting boundaries.

I am not the OP, but I will take a swing. I think the issue is that all of us desperately want to get back to that initial phase and the ego boosting glory of having some attractive girl completely idolize you.

What I am trying to focus on is that it was all a mirage. "Love you more then anyone else, want to spend the rest of my life with you, etc" was never real, but a symptom of the disorder. Sure maybe the BPD  really felt those things, at the time, but when you stop and consider... they've probably said this to nearly every boyfriend in the past... it's proof that it was never real in the way an emotionally healthy adult would feel those things. More like a young child who when getting a new doll for her birthday and exclaims how much she loves it and she's going to play with it everyday for the rest of her life... only to find it dusty, missing an arm and stuffed under the couch months later.

very true tim_tom regarding what draws us into these r/s -- the lie that we are 'special' to them when the reality is that we are just notch on the post. they say the exact same soulmate game to nearly anyone.

more specifically though, regarding boundaries--what are specific things that would make you end the r/s with this person completely, if at all?

here are some things i was willing to (and did) put up with. i didn't like it but it didn't make me leave:

* jealousy, accusations of infidelity or my intention of it

* unfairness/blame shifting

* bad attitudes at times, with no explanation of cause

here are things i would never put up with and would make me completely leave her alone (and i did):

* cheating, with no remorse or responsibility

* overt manipulation, sadistic punishment seeking, revenge, public embarrassment

* lying and lying about lying about the lying

^^ so this isn't a complete list but i what i mean is that i had limits as to what i would put up with. i didn't fully know what my limits were at the time since the official r/s ended before i fully hit the boundaries that would make me completely cut her off. but once i saw that she was dishonest, and sleeping with other men as a way to punish as well as self soothe, i had reached my limit. i knew i couldn't trust her in the least much less with my heart. if cheating or lying or being abusive, etc. aren't boundaries for you and you stay, then what would this person need to do for you to leave for good (if anything)? physically assault your kids? you? attempted murder? what's the end point where you personally draw the line and say you're done for good? << if there isn't a specific answer to this then this is a very unhealthy codependence that leaves no limit to the abuse you could endure.

the original posts asks "Could someone please tell me how to walk away for good" -- i'm saying you need boundaries and then the ability to follow through on them. can we list specific boundaries for ourselves?

[tim_tom]

very true tim_tom regarding what draws us into these r/s -- the lie that we are 'special' to them when the reality is that we are just notch on the post. they say the exact same soulmate game to nearly anyone.

more specifically though, regarding boundaries--what are specific things that would make you end the r/s with this person completely, if at all?

here are some things i was willing to (and did) put up with. i didn't like it but it didn't make me leave:

* jealousy, accusations of infidelity or my intention of it

* unfairness/blame shifting

* bad attitudes at times, with no explanation of cause

here are things i would never put up with and would make me completely leave her alone (and i did):

* cheating, with no remorse or responsibility

* overt manipulation, sadistic punishment seeking, revenge, public embarrassment

* lying and lying about lying about the lying

^^ so this isn't a complete list but i what i mean is that i had limits as to what i would put up with. i didn't fully know what my limits were at the time since the official r/s ended before i fully hit the boundaries that would make me completely cut her off. but once i saw that she was dishonest, and sleeping with other men as a way to punish as well as self soothe, i had reached my limit. i knew i couldn't trust her in the least much less with my heart. if cheating or lying or being abusive, etc. aren't boundaries for you and you stay, then what would this person need to do for you to leave for good (if anything)? physically assault your kids? you? attempted murder? what's the end point where you personally draw the line and say you're done for good? << if there isn't a specific answer to this then this is a very unhealthy codependence that leaves no limit to the abuse you could endure.

the original posts asks "Could someone please tell me how to walk away for good" -- i'm saying you need boundaries and then the ability to follow through on them. can we list specific boundaries for ourselves?

I think cheating is a deal breaker, I wouldn't accept it. I don't think she did that to me ever, atleast physically (we were together all the time), but I suspect there was emotional infidelity that led to her finally leaving. She found someone new

That being said, I know towards the end I was considering leaving. Why? Cause she hollowed me out and made me afraid to do anything. All of the negativity, the feeling as though I wasn't good enough, the never being happy. She had some kind of idea that I was going to be perfect and give her everything she wanted, and when I wasn't or couldn't she'd go into the silent treatment and stomp around the house like a 6 year old.  I wasn't allowed to make mistakes, or ever be annoyed/unhappy with something she did, I always had to make grandiose gestures of love or she'd be upset. I always had to be on my best behavior (in terms of what her concept of that was) or I didn't exist.

It wore me down, almost broke me, and I withdrew and started drinking nightly. Gained weight. Basically fell apart. I know that this expedited her departure, and I have a ton of guilt/regret for doing it. But she takes no responsibility for driving me to it,  I try and remember that she did in fact.

Part of me wishes she was more of the angry name calling variety, then there is something concrete to point to, but I feel like she was more sophisticated and used more subtle ways to tear me down. (Although I've read here that silent treatment is more damaging then verbal abuse, I like that )

I think that's a long way of saying that when the pain of staying is worse then the pain of going, it's time to go

[tim_tom]

^ to add, I don't think there's specific things that I can list as auto matic deal breakers, outside of cheating, I think it's a culmination of a lot of little things

[borderdude]

I did it gradually , utilized the object continuation , I became a remote figure for her and hard for her to relate to , she then painted me black.

I started with unfriending her on FB.

[WhoMe51]

I am the original poster. I went back and read what I wrote that day. At that time I was extremely frustrated. Being with a pwBPD becomes an emotional roller coaster. One minute everything is fine and then the next it's all gone. And then when you start walking away here they come. I realize that I have brought a lot of her behavior on. Because I have stayed with her and showed her what I was willing to tolerate in order to get back the girl I once was shown that really never existed. It's crazy. I always thought if I show her more compassion, she will see that I'm not like everyone else. But in the end you become like everyone else just to survive. This is the board that I want to be on. I don't want to be undecided. I don't want to stay. I have to let go of the fantasy because that's all it is. She doesn't bring out the good in me. I am afraid of being without the fantasy. I feel obligated to her because we have been together for awhile. And I told her that I wasn't like the others. And I feel guilt because I want to leave. I feel guilt because when she has been on her best behavior she has helped me. And I feel as if I am running away from her. This is where I feel stuck. This is why I leave for a little while and come back only to hate myself for being so weak.

[borderdude]

I am the original poster. I went back and read what I wrote that day. At that time I was extremely frustrated. Being with a pwBPD becomes an emotional roller coaster. One minute everything is fine and then the next it's all gone. And then when you start walking away here they come. I realize that I have brought a lot of her behavior on. Because I have stayed with her and showed her what I was willing to tolerate in order to get back the girl I once was shown that really never existed. It's crazy. I always thought if I show her more compassion, she will see that I'm not like everyone else. But in the end you become like everyone else just to survive. This is the board that I want to be on. I don't want to be undecided. I don't want to stay. I have to let go of the fantasy because that's all it is. She doesn't bring out the good in me. I am afraid of being without the fantasy. I feel obligated to her because we have been together for awhile. And I told her that I wasn't like the others. And I feel guilt because I want to leave. I feel guilt because when she has been on her best behavior she has helped me. And I feel as if I am running away from her. This is where I feel stuck. This is why I leave for a little while and come back only to hate myself for being so weak.

It is always all about her. A 3yo do not look for an equal partner, but a caregiver. Most statements here do not apply in this setting I think.