Anyone want to share their experiences with BPD s/o last ditch efforts?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So I've become "bored with the pain" too, as I'm reading in several different places on the board today... .My uBPDh senses I'm fighting for my life internally and has started asking me "are you ok?" over the last few days... .  He has also become very sweet, sensitive, communicative, patient, etc... ., which has made it more difficult to follow through with taking steps to prepare myself to leave when I'm finally ready... .But I have still been following through with taking steps... .I put some stuff into storage, I have vehicle ready to be acquired when I leave, and I'm looking into lodging... .My emotions are in an uproar because of the sweetness... .doubting my plans... .doubting myself... .doubting everything... .yet the numbness and lack of peace that this BPD r/s has caused still remains beneath the surface... .

Can anyone share your experience with "last ditch efforts" your BPD s/o has made right before things ended?  I'm assuming (beyond my reasoning at the moment) that it won't be long before uBPDh splits again and I'm trying to get myself to the point where the next time is actually ENOUGH for me to make that FINAL decision, and actually put feet to what my spirit has been screaming for a long time... .

Thanks!

[thereishope]

So I've become "bored with the pain" too, as I'm reading in several different places on the board today... .My uBPDh senses I'm fighting for my life internally and has started asking me "are you ok?" over the last few days... .  He has also become very sweet, sensitive, communicative, patient, etc... ., which has made it more difficult to follow through with taking steps to prepare myself to leave when I'm finally ready... .But I have still been following through with taking steps... .I put some stuff into storage, I have vehicle ready to be acquired when I leave, and I'm looking into lodging... .My emotions are in an uproar because of the sweetness... .doubting my plans... .doubting myself... .doubting everything... .yet the numbness and lack of peace that this BPD r/s has caused still remains beneath the surface... .

Can anyone share your experience with "last ditch efforts" your BPD s/o has made right before things ended?  I'm assuming (beyond my reasoning at the moment) that it won't be long before uBPDh splits again and I'm trying to get myself to the point where the next time is actually ENOUGH for me to make that FINAL decision, and actually put feet to what my spirit has been screaming for a long time... .

Thanks!

[Rifka]

There is hope,

This is Just another recycle attempt for him to keep you in your cage. Right now you're like a little mouse and he has cheese in the trap so his sweetness is the cheese and he is trying to get you back in. He has your favorite cheese which is your weakness and it's all a trap and he knows the game well.

My ex was so sweet ( he could have supplied a candy store) in the last week charming, begging, kindness, crying hysterical anything he thought he could do or behave to get me to be weaker he tried it. I just did not go for the same pieces of cheese. He knew that I this time leavings is sorry ass,  so he knew he had to do anything possible , he offered me trips he offered me anything to get me to stay I just refused! I said no a lot that last week and a half! I never allowed him back inside my home!

Once the initial shock and loneliness subsided on my end, I was able to start moving forward mentally and emotionally with the help here.

There is hope, you already know this road, you and all of us have been there before.

THIS IS NOT OZ, ITS LIKE THE MOVIE SHOWs, it JUST A DREAM, A FANTASY.

It's the road to continued abuse, manipulation and deceptive recycling!

RIFKA

[thereishope]

There is hope,

This is Just another recycle attempt for him to keep you in your cage. Right now you're like a little mouse and he has cheese in the trap so his sweetness is the cheese and he is trying to get you back in. He has your favorite cheese which is your weakness and it's all a trap and he knows the game well.

My ex was so sweet ( he could have supplied a candy store) in the last week charming, begging, kindness, crying hysterical anything he thought he could do or behave to get me to be weaker he tried it. I just did not go for the same pieces of cheese. He knew that I this time leavings is sorry ass,  so he knew he had to do anything possible , he offered me trips he offered me anything to get me to stay I just refused! I said no a lot that last week and a half! I never allowed him back inside my home!

Once the initial shock and loneliness subsided on my end, I was able to start moving forward mentally and emotionally with the help here.

There is hope, you already know this road, you and all of us have been there before.

THIS IS NOT OZ, ITS LIKE THE MOVIE SHOWs, it JUST A DREAM, A FANTASY.

It's the road to continued abuse, manipulation and deceptive recycling!

RIFKA

Thank you, Rifka,... .once again. 

Your presence on this board is an encouragement and a strength to many of us right now... .You are a blessing and a comfort.  Thank you for sharing the results of your victory (light and life, joy and peace) with us!  It helps.   

[Unducky]

You can do it!

During our relationship, my BPD ex won me over after fights again and again by giving gifts - not expensive ones to try to 'buy' me back, but meaningful ones to show how thoughtful he was and how much he cared, by writing lists of reasons he loved me and things that he would work on to improve (the lists melted my heart, but the problem was that he did not actually work on most of them), and reminding me that his past was horribly traumatic and he was sorry that he coped with his feelings so poorly.  He was very, very good at pulling on my heartstrings.

When I finally broke up with him, it was due to a particularly bad couple of days and was actually fairly sudden and sadly right after one of our best patches, so I was not very prepared.  He broke down crying that he was losing his best friend (I have no idea how I did not give into him).  But then he got very drunk and said horrible things to me in the middle of my street and pretty much sealed the deal. 

Anyways, it sounds like you are doing all the right things to prepare to leave and even acknowledging that your partner's sweetness is a last ditch effort, so you are definitely on the right track!  Just be prepared that this 'last ditch' effort may not actually be the last and may continue well after you leave.  But leaving is the hardest part, for sure.  Stay strong, and we are here for you!

[thereishope]

Thank you, unducky, for your words of encouragement too!  If it weren't for this board, I would be so much worse off!  You guys are an incredible blessing, and I am so thankful to have found this place.  It's amazing what a little understanding and encouragement can do!   

Taking action towards freedom in this situation seems to be solely on blind faith at times... .Somehow forcing one foot in front of the other even though all my emotions are swirling around in a big pot of chaos stew... .Craziness... .I keep hoping for uBPDh to either leave   or do something that makes things VERY VERY CLEAR that leaving is THE RIGHT THING TO DO  ... .I'm extremely tired of the numb oblivion... .waiting... .wondering... .trying to figure out... .defend my feelings... .decide stuff... .ugh... .I will be thankful for peace and rest whenever that comes. 

Thanks guys again for walking this road with me!  It's less lonely!   

[Hope0807]

Oh thereishope,

My ex seemed to have a basket full of behaviors stashed on the side, always readily available…to pick and choose from to reel me back in.  "Let's go to counseling…I ruin everything…I have issues…I've been doing this for years and I can't lose you…You think you're the first person to tell me these things about myself?" - and the list goes on and on.  His most successful choice from that basket was always tears, giant heaving sobs of the most (seemingly at the time) heartfelt, apologetic, self loathing tears and expressions of how deeply he loved me and couldn't imagine life without me - how much he wanted to just do right by me, not disappoint me…on and on it all went until I felt horribly guilty for bringing him to his knees.  My BPD cried easily.  From day one his tears never ceased to overwhelm my heart and make me want to right his world.  He was a larger than life big guy, both in spirit and physical size…so the tears from my 'big teddy bear' at the time always softened me deeply.  He did a great job of making me feel like the center of his universe at times, and after all, where would I ever find someone to make me feel like the center of their universe again?  What an important place to be.   He'd also often spin around the house and try to do the things he NEVER did and make a good show, like he might actually start to behave like a normal: homeowner, husband, grown-up…on a consistent basis.

The REALITY for me was evident within the madness of the loops.  There was no genuine progress.  Apologies were completely empty, as were his attempts to simmer the chaos which swirled around him and engulfed the only one in his storm…me.  Apologies must be deeply felt within and come full circle with adjustments in behavior.  True healing in relationships comes when words backed up with actions, and progress is made when each individual's emotional health/needs are being met by the authenticity of their partner's not-just-words, but consistent behavior over time.  The BPD mask was RIPPED off the more I challenged him and became unavailable to soothe him in any way.  I stood up for myself and recognized his false promises and apologies for what they were.  I set boundaries and limitations and he bulldozed right through them, completely disrespecting me.  I demanded that MY needs be met as well.  The cruelty that was unleashed once that mask came off continues today and solidifies MY NEW REALITY…that the person I gave my years and patience and so much more to…gave me a false self and sense of security.  It is a new reality that all survivors of BPD relationships struggle to adjust to.  All relationships take work, but that work needs to move both people to a better place.  For me, the answer to your post can all be summed up with one sentence:  His last ditch efforts were exactly the same as his efforts from the beginning of the relationship, full of emptiness…just like him.  I won't spin in his circle anymore.  I'm the center of my own universe and those that I invite in from now on will be selected from a very expensive new lens.

Are you reading any books?  I've read some really great ones.

[tim_tom]

I wish I got something like this, if only for my ego. Mine had broken up with me, threatened to leave me 6-7 times during our relationship. But most times she wouldn't even leave and 1 time it lasted over night till the next morning. I think they were attempts to see me grovel to prove I loved her, which I did.

Towards the end, I had withdrawn and was not taking care of myself. The stress was unbearable, so I drank almost every night. Gained a bunch of weight, stopped going to bed with her to stay up and work. I was in the process of detaching. I couldn't do it however as I thought I loved her so much.

When she left, it was sudden and instantly cold. Like the last 16 months meant nothing. There was no willingness to even talk about working on it. It was done and it was my fault. She was angry. I know it's cause she had found my replacement already, and in an attachment sense, I was dead to her.

She checks up on me from time to time, with cold messages like "hey, how are you". But there's never been an ounce of desire to try again. Which really hurts. I know she's just trying assuage her own guilt with these messages, but would appreciate a little warmth... you know?

[Hope0807]

Yes, I know.  I had a horrific night in hopes of that "warmth".  There isn't any, and when it seems there might be a sliver, it's a farce.  I reached for warmth and maybe even humanity when I reminded my ex of the cruelty in him allowing me to walk into the house to find him in bed with another woman.  He replied that I was to blame for him seeking sex elsewhere and even said "Bravo" to me for ruining his lay!

Like you, I detached too - big time.  When the fallout first started happening I took on some serious guilt, then I realized my detachment was my intuition desperately trying to reach me.  It was giving me the strength to know something was wrong beyond my understanding.  I knew nothing about BPD while I was in the relationship.  The warmth you're hoping for can only be found within yourself…and other Nons.

I wish I got something like this, if only for my ego. Mine had broken up with me, threatened to leave me 6-7 times during our relationship. But most times she wouldn't even leave and 1 time it lasted over night till the next morning. I think they were attempts to see me grovel to prove I loved her, which I did.

Towards the end, I had withdrawn and was not taking care of myself. The stress was unbearable, so I drank almost every night. Gained a bunch of weight, stopped going to bed with her to stay up and work. I was in the process of detaching. I couldn't do it however as I thought I loved her so much.

When she left, it was sudden and instantly cold. Like the last 16 months meant nothing. There was no willingness to even talk about working on it. It was done and it was my fault. She was angry. I know it's cause she had found my replacement already, and in an attachment sense, I was dead to her.

She checks up on me from time to time, with cold messages like "hey, how are you". But there's never been an ounce of desire to try again. Which really hurts. I know she's just trying assuage her own guilt with these messages, but would appreciate a little warmth... you know?

[tim_tom]

Yes, I know.  I had a horrific night in hopes of that "warmth".  There isn't any, and when it seems there might be a sliver, it's a farce.  I reached for warmth and maybe even humanity when I reminded my ex of the cruelty in him allowing me to walk into the house to find him in bed with another woman.  He replied that I was to blame for him seeking sex elsewhere and even said "Bravo" to me for ruining his lay!

Like you, I detached too - big time.  When the fallout first started happening I took on some serious guilt, then I realized my detachment was my intuition desperately trying to reach me.  It was giving me the strength to know something was wrong beyond my understanding.  I knew nothing about BPD while I was in the relationship.  The warmth you're hoping for can only be found within yourself…and other Nons.

I love that, thank your responding. I think it's dead on. I've been beating myself up, maybe if I tried harder. Maybe if I didn't crumble under the weight of all the stress.

The full story is that I felt the relationship was rocky, and got offered a big promotion at work. I didn't want to take it. I told her I knew it would be hard on me (super stressful job), and hard on us.  But she urged me too. Told me I'd be crazy if I didn't. Pestered me about it regularly.

I relented, took the job. Had to work more, travel more. Less time together. As i suspected, she ratcheted up the cruelty. Complained about something everytime I spoke to her. The bouts of silent treatment came nearly daily. Always angry at me for anything, i finally started to fight back and get angry. Would always be turned around on me, I wasn't allowed to have needs or feelings. I retreated into alcohol. I am not proud of it, but at the time, it's the only thing that gave me respite from the stress

Before i really understood BPD post BU, I tried to get her to empathize. Told her that I needed her support most during this time and that all she did was beat me down more. Her response was "that's when I needed you most"... She wasn't working at the time! She said I lost respect for myself and I didn't take care of myself, fine... true... But I told her I was doing great at my job and making real progress towards a great payday that would've allowed me to buy her all the things she complained about wanting. I was respecting myself, just not able to do it all as I started my new job. I was doing it for us. Her response was that it was never about money for her, and she put us first, I put my job first.  Then why encourage me to take it in the first place! Why pressure me to buy her an 80k car, and an 800k house, and vacation all the time? It's so frustrating cause she acts like none of that ever occurred, and I imagined it all. It's maddening!

[Lights843]

It was giving me the strength to know something was wrong beyond my understanding.  I knew nothing about BPD while I was in the relationship. 

So true and how thankful are we for that last bit of strength. Look at how far many of us have come from that dark and turbulent confused state we were in.

[nursemyBPD]

My high functioning uBPDh of 30yrs, has not shown any concern, no attempt to reconcile, recycle or anything, after my separation from him 9mo, ago. This is our one and only separation in 30yrs.

    We have never spent more than1-3 days apart from each other in 30yrs. My counselor, and family whom I'd confided in, all felt that the realization of me moving, and especially the ACTUAL move would shake him up enough to finally seek counseling and/or make an attempt to rectify his Verbal & Emotional abuse once and for all. Yet it had the opposite effect. He even started bringing me boxes home to pack, and setting them next to the bed, when I arrived home each night.

      He acts as if I was an insignificant part of his life, despite 30yrs of marriage, Whenever I see him at Church, or while visiting my mother-in-law, he completely ignores me, and often will start laughing and joking with friends or family nearby, as if unphased at all.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

These were nags of BP's for 4 years.

Oh, that line about 'Its all about the money to you'. Made me sick, must have heard that a million times.

'Your job is more important than me', (um maybe if you ended your 6 years of unemployment I wouldn't have to work as much to provide you with the things you want in life).

'You don't have time for me'

No, I have plenty of time for you, (and gave you too much time, still am even after being away from you) but not for your violent, bullying tactics and your desire for ever present conflict.

Wait, there is plenty more

These would be followed by promises to seek help and take medication

Admissions that he had 'problems' and was soo sorry for that

Hugs, romance, hot sex, little presents, (crumbs he knew I would gush over), fake compliments, usually, 'You look nice, (insert my name here)'

Planning our future, talking about what we could do, even conning me into buying him things for 'our future', like property for example.

Lucky it didn't work out due to my not having been in business long enough to apply for the loan, they told me to come back closer to the end of the year and they would lend to me then. Fortunately I didn't bother, as I was only doing it to make BP happy.

Helping me at work, (usually lasted 5 minutes).

Since the list of nice things he did is actually so much shorter than the list of nasty things, I am questioning my sanity right now. 

[rollercoaster24]

Just a little footnote here

When about to dump me again or entering his devaluation periods, (every 3-4 days) he would then tell me that 'we aren't in a relationship anyway'

Would call me 'his friend', usually after he had conned some more money out of me, and whilst he was getting something he wanted, he was my 'adult partner' or 'adult husband'. 

Last November, after 3 months of Silent Treatment, (preceded by physically assaulting me and smashing any stuff I had including my car) he lied his way back into my life, even admitting to his 'Borderline personality disorder, and that he would get 'help' one day soon, but first he had to address getting a job.

He made me believe that during his 3 month hiatus from me, that he had been hard out job seeking, driving around all over the state doing so, and also that he pretty much was soon to be hired back in his industry, from some guys he used to work with.

That was actually the main reason I was recycled.

The last recycle lasted from Nov-March, and no BP didn't have a job lined up at all. Nor did he seek help, he actually got worse and worse. I had to call the Police again, he was that bad, almost running myself and a member of the public over, and smashing his windscreen out with his fist in front of us.

His harassment at my workplace was the deciding factor again.

And today there are no last ditch efforts, there never really was.

[Hope0807]

Hello Nurse,

This was tough to read.  My heart aches for you.  When did you become aware of "BPD"?  I was with my ex for 7 years and cannot imagine seeing mine at church or elsewhere - so I applaud your strength to carry on just in those environments.  The laughing with others and acting as if you don't exist sounds quite status-quo behavior - sad and SICK nonetheless.

My high functioning uBPDh of 30yrs, has not shown any concern, no attempt to reconcile, recycle or anything, after my separation from him 9mo, ago. This is our one and only separation in 30yrs.

    We have never spent more than1-3 days apart from each other in 30yrs. My counselor, and family whom I'd confided in, all felt that the realization of me moving, and especially the ACTUAL move would shake him up enough to finally seek counseling and/or make an attempt to rectify his Verbal & Emotional abuse once and for all. Yet it had the opposite effect. He even started bringing me boxes home to pack, and setting them next to the bed, when I arrived home each night.

      He acts as if I was an insignificant part of his life, despite 30yrs of marriage, Whenever I see him at Church, or while visiting my mother-in-law, he completely ignores me, and often will start laughing and joking with friends or family nearby, as if unphased at all.

[thereishope]

Update:

So the last ditch efforts continue... .And of course, now my FOGGED mind is thinking he is actually PUTTING EFFORT INTO NOT BPD'ING ME... .Although I am reading about SPLICING and believe we NONS have a crazy ability to simply "splice" out the bad moments to keep things fluidly positive in our FOG... .

This weekend was calm, and fairly "enjoyable",... .we each had moments of insecurity with each other... .He asking for reassurance with me giving it to him willingly, and then him scoffing at me when I mentioned I had attended a church in NJ to a couple we met at a restaurant... .(he snarled and said, "Well that just turned my stomach"... .He hates NJ because that is where I lived during a recycle, and is where the father of my kids lives, etc... .)... .I was feeling insecure later and asked him a few questions about a phone call, etc... which turned into a long lecture about my insecurity disease which has been hurting people for years, and that I needed to get help... .Overall, I ended up feeling like I am all the problem and I do need help, so I am looking into a Therapist... .

I am desperate for clarity and peace.  The dark cloud doesn't leave me, even when uBPDh is acting good.  How much "good" is it truly?  I think I have so effectively denied and spliced so many subtle devaluing behaviors that it's just normal and "good" to me at this point... .but somewhere deep inside it is not good and I am aware of it.  I'm not sure how much of my interpretations of our interactions is FOG or reality.  Sounds crazy.  Feels crazy.

I feel like I want to list all the things that are questionable so I can start seeing them accurately?

* He ignores me constantly yet subtly by just not acknowledging my existence when I'm speaking.  For instance, he plays a phone mobster game much of the time, and when I speak with him with his face in the phone, I would say 9 times out of 10 I have to repeat myself or ask, "Are you hearing me?" and then he will respond... .

* He will be "present" with me fully when my kids are away during the weekend, looking into my eyes, communicating, etc... .When they come back on Sunday night, he becomes more quiet, withdrawn, often responding gruffly, with hard, one word answers, whenever I try to initiate conversation... .If I ever address it, I am "starting with him"... ."Why are you starting with me now?" etc... .It's better I just be quiet and let the hamster wheel of life turn silently for a while... .  Is this living?

* He addresses things with me (less) or his teen son in an unnecessarily negative manner... .For instance, waking his son up late for work the other day, he "drove his foot into his ribs" and shouted angrily, "YOU'RE GONNA GET FIRED!"  He, like other BPD's I'm sure, seem angry much of the time but claims to be "the easiest guy to get along with and understand"... .Except with me of course!

* He likes things done in a particular manner, and I think I have submitted myself to doing them so well that I'm not getting wrath like I used to for doing things in a manner not his... .But I still long to have independent thoughts and actions and wonder if I can here?  Does this make sense?  I wonder how much my thinking along BPD lines is actually sabotaging what could be better actions in reality?  Or maybe it's just cycling and not really better actions that are gonna last... .Boy this stuff is mind-warping... .LOL

The hard part is that he is communicating with me that he has realized if he loves me he needs to be more respectful of me, and it seems as if he's trying to split less, etc... .Less BPD behaviors happening... .I know that only time will tell, but my feelings remain consistently broken, etc... . 

I'm going to talk with a Pastor/counsellor tomorrow morning.  I pray he can be objective.  I pray I can be objective. 

[thereishope]

Another thought... .  Could this statement, speaking of a BPD r/s be a summation of why a NON feels as though they just can't "figure out" how to "make things work"... .?

TRYING TO LIVE WITHOUT STRESS IN A PLACE WHERE SOMEONE (BPD S/O) PERPETUATES STRESS

[Rifka]

There is hope,

This is Just another recycle attempt for him to keep you in your cage. Right now you're like a little mouse and he has cheese in the trap so his sweetness is the cheese and he is trying to get you back in. He has your favorite cheese which is your weakness and it's all a trap and he knows the game well.

My ex was so sweet ( he could have supplied a candy store) in the last week charming, begging, kindness, crying hysterical anything he thought he could do or behave to get me to be weaker he tried it. I just did not go for the same pieces of cheese. He knew that I this time leavings is sorry ass,  so he knew he had to do anything possible , he offered me trips he offered me anything to get me to stay I just refused! I said no a lot that last week and a half! I never allowed him back inside my home!

Once the initial shock and loneliness subsided on my end, I was able to start moving forward mentally and emotionally with the help here.

There is hope, you already know this road, you and all of us have been there before.

THIS IS NOT OZ, ITS LIKE THE MOVIE SHOWs, it JUST A DREAM, A FANTASY.

It's the road to continued abuse, manipulation and deceptive recycling!

RIFKA

Thank you, Rifka,... .once again. 

Your presence on this board is an encouragement and a strength to many of us right now... .You are a blessing and a comfort.  Thank you for sharing the results of your victory (light and life, joy and peace) with us!  It helps.   

Thank you! I really hope that others cross that bridge sooner than later. It eats you up alive to keep doubting and questioning yourselves so much.

I would not wish that intense pain and heart wrenching feeling on anybody.

Our partners are academy award winners for best performances. We are not their first victim, so they are experienced in all of the work they need to do to keep it going!

For me each recycle was like watching a rerun of the same show. How could it change because it was always going to be the same show, same channel!

Thank you for your kind words.

Hugs to you!

Rifka

[Deeno02]

Mine straight up drumped me one day, next day with new guy. She straight up doesnt give 10 sH*ts what happened to me or how Im doing. And here I am sitting here wondering if perhaps Im the jackass after all. Her birthday is tomorrow and Im physically sick because Im not with here and her kids for her special day, while some bald nerd is... .I'm sorry. Its still killing me.

[Artisan]

My last ditch effort? Or my last effort to ditch?

Though my relationships can always improve, all my efforts, time, energy, though, and emotions went into creating a better relationship. It all failed. It was all last ditch efforts eventually.

My last effort to ditch ... .was a stealth move. It was the 7th? and final time I'd do this.

It had to be a stealth move, because when I'd get frustrated and want to leave she'd block me physically, she held my computer hostage, she'd have a complete 180 and become sweet, kind and started listening. Or, she'd rage at me more with all the hatred speech.

I moved 4 hours away, to a different state, into a cabin on my parents land. Abandoned my career. My friends. And everything, including dignity, self-respect, and self-love.

That is all returning in spades. Including the friends who have the capacity to understand.

[thereishope]

My last ditch effort? Or my last effort to ditch?

Though my relationships can always improve, all my efforts, time, energy, though, and emotions went into creating a better relationship. It all failed. It was all last ditch efforts eventually.

My last effort to ditch ... .was a stealth move. It was the 7th? and final time I'd do this.

It had to be a stealth move, because when I'd get frustrated and want to leave she'd block me physically, she held my computer hostage, she'd have a complete 180 and become sweet, kind and started listening. Or, she'd rage at me more with all the hatred speech.

I moved 4 hours away, to a different state, into a cabin on my parents land. Abandoned my career. My friends. And everything, including dignity, self-respect, and self-love.

That is all returning in spades. Including the friends who have the capacity to understand.

I would like to talk with you more about this... .It's nice to know I'm not the only crazy one thinking that in order to get away I have to be like a ninja... .I have been getting things into storage (not much because I really don't NEED ANY STUFF!)... .but that magical moment when I get mad enough to run out the door and never look back eludes me... .I am interested in your process... .