Newbie

[Heavenly]

Hi I have a 23 yr old daughter, recently diagnosed. She has been on and off suicidal since 16, and I have been trying to get her to engage in therapy. Her attempts usually coincide with binge drinking ? Drugs and nights on the town. The next day she says she doesn't  want to talk about it and gets angry. I really feel like I am walking on eye shells in my own home. She still lives at home. Each times she moves out it doesn't last long and she attempts suicide again. She has a younger brother and it is really hard on him too. She tried anti depressants and was a little better but put on weight so stopped taking them. She was then even more miserable and hypersensitive since she has not been able to loose weight. Partly because her eating is also so erratic and she gets up in the night to eat sweets. When she is suicidal she usually calls her dad and his partner and gives them a tirade of abuse. She was very close to him before our marriage broke down when she was 11. He very quickly  moved on with another lady and her kids. This seems to be a big trigger for her. She loves him but he keeps letting her down with empty promises that things will change. Still I feel that it is all my fault because I suggested that the marriage was not working and we should separate. Mother guilt weighs heavily. I haven't moved on with another partner. I didn't feel it was right thing to do as she is so beautiful and very attractive, always had men chasing her. I feel that it would be unfair now to bring another person in to this toxic environment, so I am feeling very alone. :

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Hello Heavenly



Welcome to our little community! I am so sorry you are going through this with your daughter, and I am glad that you have found us - other parents here understand what you are going through - it will help the feeling of loneliness.

Many of us felt alone even if we have partners and other family or friends - this illness is very isolating - having people around that don't understand or that you can't talk to about this can be hard.

It's really good news that your dd23 was diagnosed. It is a first step to getting help (and a BIG one at that).

Here is a couple of videos that might help you in helping your daughter get into therapy:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdVj8gXsETs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppculi-Os2g

How old is your son? How is he coping with his sister's illness?

Do you have any pets? (It can be really soothing to have company of two big loving and understanding eyes and to be able to cuddle their furry selves)

[Heavenly]

Thank you Ambassedor for taking the time to reply, I cried, the tears of relief that someone out there understands! I honestly feel like I am going nuts! I feel trapped! I feel like running away but that is the one thing I can't do. I am glad that I am starting to read and listen to your resources. My daughter refuses to seek help. She threw the referral to the specialist in the bin today. She said that the GP just wrote horrible things about her.  She said that me even bringing up the issue of treatment just makes everything worse. I feel so helpless. Again, from reading on your website I am seeing it a little more clearly that it is me that has to change. I tried to be a little more empathetic tonight but I haven't got the hang of it. I feel that I would learn better by role play or coaching. I am a "fixer" and by wanting to fix her and our family, am I putting her down and making things worse? I often feel like selling the house, ging her money to pay off her debts and making a run for it. But I know, (think?) that this would be counter productive and is just a flight stree response? But then I don't really know what is right as I feel so confused like I am going nuts!

[HealingSpirit]

Hello Heavenly,

You poor thing! I know how isolated and alone you feel. My daughter(17) was diagnosed earlier this year after a severe cutting incident landed her in a pediatric mental hospital for a 3-day hold. But her father and I have endured a lifetime of emotional dysregulation, drama, and crises from her... .and we have been happily married since before she was born. So, I seriously doubt your divorce caused your daughter's illness. I do understand the guilt you are feeling, but I can assure you, your daughter's illness is NOT your fault!  There is a lot of new information and evidence that people with BPD are born with personality traits and temperament that predisposes them to develop BPD.

I'd like to join Pessim-optimist in welcoming you to our family.  You are NOT alone!  There is a message board here just for us parents. We all come here to vent, validate and support each other. It has been a Godsend for me!

When a child suffers from BPD (even our adult child), not only is the child unhappy and unhealthy, but often, so is everyone who loves them. This mental illness can severely affect everyone, creating drama and heartbreak, while also piling on the guilt and anxiety. The good news is that there are answers to these problems, and we are here to offer you the support and encouragement to help you find them. You'll see that there are things that can be done to stop making things worse and begin to make them better. A great place to start is with this set of resources: What can a parent do? We look forward to seeing you on the Parenting a Son or Daughter Suffering from BPD board and hope you join us in learning how to understand and communicate with our children better.

I know how alone you've been feeling. It is very important for you to build a good support system for YOU if you want to be able to help your daughter. The best way to help her (and your son) is by taking good care of yourself first. We all get run down and worn out from the day-to-day struggles our child's BPD brings to our lives. So the best thing we can do is make sure we nurture ourselves and get support and validation for ourselves so we have reserves to be supportive to our loved ones.

Just over a week ago, I was where you are. I was fed up and I felt like running away. So, I planned a weekend getaway (went to see my sister who lives at the beach). I just got back yesterday and the short break from my daughter and husband really helped.

Do you have anyone you can talk to? Are you in therapy for yourself? Can you arrange a short break to get away from the daily drama and go have some fun?

I do encourage you to join me on the parenting board. The more you share with us, the more we can help.

Hang in there.