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Author Topic: I highly doubt we will recycle.  (Read 1261 times)
forget-me-not

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Lived apart since onset of r/s. He is married ( polyamorous) I am divorced. No children together.
Posts: 22



« on: September 26, 2014, 07:43:00 PM »

I had to meet the ex uBPD bf 2 days ago to exchange some belongings. We broke up 2 months ago.

I was dreading it, because he had sent me a text a few weeks ago saying he would spit on me the next time he saw me.

The day of the meeting, I got a text that he holds no grudge and will come waving the white flag.

We proceed to have a very pleasant 1.5 hr conversation, him giving me an update on his life

(I volunteered nothing in that realm) and chatted about mutual interests.

At the end he commented how  I was still wearing a necklace he had given me and asked me why.

I told him because I don't want to forget. Because I want a reminder of how to improve my life.

We parted nicely.

Then I got  a text saying how it him hard that I am like a child holding on to a dead puppy because I can't accept the truth that it's dead.

That I have to move on , he doesn't hate me anymore, he just doesn't care at all.

That he's found a new friend to talk to that he trusts and he would never go back knowing what he knows now.

That he remembers nothing good and that it was just a bad dream, it couldn't have been love on my end if it ended the way it did( I told him I can't  fix anything anymore)

Not to look to him for validation that there were good memories , they can't be good unless they're good in his eyes too.

That the sooner I accept there was nothing there , the sooner I can stop my pity party and move on.

I am angry about his perception and lack of responsibility for the demise.

Not surprised. Just angry.

I am sad that he remembers nothing good, since I remember both good and bad.

The good gives me hope that I will love and be loved again one day, the bad will protect me from future pain.

My necklace symbolizes both.

Perhaps this is not detaching properly and I should find a more suitable tactile symbol.
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fred6
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 808



« Reply #1 on: September 26, 2014, 07:54:33 PM »

Join the club, I highly doubt that I will be recycled also. I want her to call me and tell me that she thought that she wouldn't get caught doing what she was doing, lying about it for a month and that it was a terrible mistake and that she would get help and work on it and us. However, that is my fantasy. It's not gonna happen. Too much has happened and been said. Too many lies that don't add up. Not to mention the way she "flipped the switch", and made me watch her do the things that she did. In her eyes, she has past the point of no return for "us". Use your head, not your heart and follow your gut instincts. We all want validation, but strength comes from within. Not other people. Take care of yourself first. I am in the same boat and know that it's easier said than done... .
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x1985x

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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 32



« Reply #2 on: September 26, 2014, 08:06:55 PM »

Consider yourself lucky then. You don't want that.

You know what you know.
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fromheeltoheal
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #3 on: September 26, 2014, 08:41:01 PM »

It takes two to 'recycle'; you can only be 'recycled' if you decide to reestablish a relationship with him.  It's common in these relationships to give all of our power away, to appease the mood swings, avoid conflict in a high-conflict relationship, in response to allowing our self esteem to be eroded by abuse, any or all of the above.  Part of taking our power back includes realizing we gave it away; you might look at the title of your post and see if there's any of that there.  Take care of you!
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bunnysc
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« Reply #4 on: September 26, 2014, 09:00:16 PM »

Well... .I was contacted today after a really intense bad break up from her in which she even included her replacement in the B up 2 months ago... YES... Some texts from her asking me how I was What the heck (I won't answer them)... .I never thought it would happen just like you so... .heads up and keep strong. Thanks BPD FAMILY
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tim_tom
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Posts: 449


« Reply #5 on: September 26, 2014, 09:03:03 PM »

He sounds like a peach. Think to yourself, why exactly do you even want to be recycled?

Are you afraid of change? Willing to accept the known/comfortable bad instead of the unknown? Yes, it's terrifying, but also know that you deserve better!

Do you miss walking on egg shells? Being controlled and berated? Miss the ups and downs?

Love yourself! Look outside, night turns to day, the earth is still rotating, the sun is shining, birds are chirping (this would probably better be said during daylight hours Smiling (click to insert in post) ). Life is out there, and it's full of wonder and mystery. You will fall sometimes, and you pick yourself right back up. Why? You've been through hell and back lately, yet here you are alive, and reaching out to like minded folks who've been through the same ride. Trying to improve, analyzing, self reflecting, processing, you are getting stronger and you don't know it. After something like this, there's not much you can't handle!
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forget-me-not

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Lived apart since onset of r/s. He is married ( polyamorous) I am divorced. No children together.
Posts: 22



« Reply #6 on: September 26, 2014, 10:39:10 PM »

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful and positive responses.

Yes, i gave my power away. What i thought 2 years ago was impossible, and yet here I am.

Yes, the unknown is quite terrifying. Will I make another bad choice?

Will I run away screaming at the slightest HINT of red flag and become completely intolerant of normal disagreements?


I definitely do not miss the egg shells, the screaming , the constant second guessing of my every move and every thought, the feeling that I am not good enough.

My latest move forward was to change all my passwords that contained his bday and other things related to him to passwords that are all ME.

Baby steps .

i DO know what I know and NO ONE will take that away.


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Infern0
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1520


« Reply #7 on: September 26, 2014, 11:32:14 PM »

Yeah don't be so sure,  they can still try and slither back after causing obscene amounts of carnage.

Just work on detaching and moving on. You don't want him back
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Blimblam
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2892



WWW
« Reply #8 on: September 27, 2014, 01:35:55 AM »

I stuck to one boundary. An authentic appology.  If you have this boundary you will never recycle.
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Infern0
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Posts: 1520


« Reply #9 on: September 27, 2014, 02:07:25 AM »

I stuck to one boundary. An authentic appology.  If you have this boundary you will never recycle.

Touche
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PhoenixBlack

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 36



« Reply #10 on: September 27, 2014, 06:54:32 AM »

Then I got  a text saying how it him hard that I am like a child holding on to a dead puppy because I can't accept the truth that it's dead.

That I have to move on , he doesn't hate me anymore, he just doesn't care at all.

That he's found a new friend to talk to that he trusts and he would never go back knowing what he knows now.

That he remembers nothing good and that it was just a bad dream, it couldn't have been love on my end if it ended the way it did( I told him I can't  fix anything anymore)

Not to look to him for validation that there were good memories , they can't be good unless they're good in his eyes too.

That the sooner I accept there was nothing there , the sooner I can stop my pity party and move on.

I am angry about his perception and lack of responsibility for the demise.

Not surprised. Just angry.

I am sad that he remembers nothing good, since I remember both good and bad.

The good gives me hope that I will love and be loved again one day, the bad will protect me from future pain.

My necklace symbolizes both.

forget-me-not,

I'm sorry you had to go through that - it's truly rough the way he did that but try to keep in mind that he does remember that stuff, the good times, but to do so causes him shame and guilt so he's lashing out and it's easier for them to bury those feelings and pretend that it never mattered. Him seeing that necklace on you caused him a lot of pain no doubt and you've been painted blacker than black. I know it hurts more than anything but it's the disorder speaking. It's nothing you did but you do deserve better.
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patientandclear
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: single
Posts: 2785



« Reply #11 on: September 27, 2014, 11:29:42 AM »

Forget-me-not:

Your ex's words are defensive and hurt.  He is lashing out because in his mind, you hurt him and he needs to build a wall to protect him from you.

This may be completely without rational basis, but it's almost surely where his comments come from.

I know he used words about how YOU need to move on and he feels nothing.  But you don't need to believe him.  He believes you lacked the love he counted on you to show him because of "the way it ended."  Feeling hurt, his defenses kick in and he's proclaiming that he feels nothing for you and has no good memories.  It's a coping mechanism, it's not "true."

Hope that helps.  :)oesn't mean he's a viable partner!  But the rejection element you could react to here ... .it's just defenses at work.

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hurting300
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1292



« Reply #12 on: September 27, 2014, 12:08:03 PM »

I've noticed a pattern with cluster b disordered people. They will keep tabs, they normally come back for more. Now let's look at my case... my ex left me suddenly, just left while I was at work. Six months silent treatment since BUT she drives by my house fake Facebook pages Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). They know. Trust me.
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In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
maternal
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Posts: 155


« Reply #13 on: September 27, 2014, 12:18:07 PM »

That's horrible.  Keep your head up, you don't want that ___ back... .

I wouldn't expect him not to try and come back at some point, though.  Just as all the good times had been "forgotten," these words to you may also be forgotten when he feels as though he may need you again.
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hurting300
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1292



« Reply #14 on: September 27, 2014, 01:01:24 PM »

Yes they seem to forget easy... both good and bad. My ex never forgot one good thing we did besides the baby. One time we sit on a park bench and waved at cars for like and hour Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) just being silly... two years later she brought it up and said I'll never forget that day. That was the day I realized I was falling for you. And I truly believe that... I know deep down she loved me.
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In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
myself
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3151


« Reply #15 on: September 27, 2014, 01:24:03 PM »

It's a coping mechanism, it's not "true."

the rejection element you could react to here ... .it's just defenses at work.

Coping mechanism that changes reality/becomes truth.

Disordered defenses that make the rejection very real.

He could just walk away but chooses to do more damage.

Sorry you're going through this. It's not nice and not fair.

A good time for personal growth, and moving on, like you say.

It's really up to you whether you'd recycle or go backwards or not.
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Deeno02
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1526



« Reply #16 on: September 27, 2014, 01:28:45 PM »

Dont think i will either. September second we had an incident where i got the treat me special or lose me ultimatum.  I shut down. Didnt respond for a whole week. Nor did she. Should have left it at that but i didnt. Contacted her. She said we were done. I freaked out because i was addicted to her so i tried to piece it back together. Found out she moved on to another guy the day after she said we were through. Still tried... Even went to her volleyball practice with flowers and letter, professed my love and got brutally hammered. That was thursday. Ive gone no contact and hope like hell i can not try and reach out as its her birthday in a couple days, or even worse, she does.
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hurting300
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1292



« Reply #17 on: September 27, 2014, 01:40:48 PM »

Yeah I feel you man on that one man. You don't need her. Go find a girl that isn't mental. That'll cure you.
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In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
Bak86
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Posts: 351



« Reply #18 on: September 27, 2014, 01:42:56 PM »

Forget-me-not:

Your ex's words are defensive and hurt.  He is lashing out because in his mind, you hurt him and he needs to build a wall to protect him from you.

This may be completely without rational basis, but it's almost surely where his comments come from.

I know he used words about how YOU need to move on and he feels nothing.  But you don't need to believe him.  He believes you lacked the love he counted on you to show him because of "the way it ended."  Feeling hurt, his defenses kick in and he's proclaiming that he feels nothing for you and has no good memories.  It's a coping mechanism, it's not "true."

Hope that helps.  :)oesn't mean he's a viable partner!  But the rejection element you could react to here ... .it's just defenses at work.

Pretty much this. My ex said she never loved me either, told other people our relationship wasn't that big of a deal etc. It's just a coping mechanism. Doesn't make me any less angry about it though.
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