Do BPD behaviors translate to other areas of life besides relationships?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My uBPDex was in her late 20's. I believe I was the 5th guy she lived with, although the details were always foggy on that one.

What i do know though, is that after leaving me she is now embarking on 4th radical career change (completely different jobs, job types and industry). I met her at work, and saw how she went from liking her job to hating it over time, everything and most people at work ticked her off until she wanted to leave and go try something else. It was eerily similar to how our relationship progressed.

I am wondering if this kind of instability, moving on the next new thing is normal for pwBPD or just a symptom of her age?  The behavior fits, unhappy with what i have, must find something new

[tim_tom]

My uBPDex was in her late 20's. I believe I was the 5th guy she lived with, although the details were always foggy on that one.

What i do know though, is that after leaving me she is now embarking on 4th radical career change (completely different jobs, job types and industry). I met her at work, and saw how she went from liking her job to hating it over time, everything and most people at work ticked her off until she wanted to leave and go try something else. It was eerily similar to how our relationship progressed.

I am wondering if this kind of instability, moving on the next new thing is normal for pwBPD or just a symptom of her age?  The behavior fits, unhappy with what i have, must find something new

[Pou]

My uBPDex was in her late 20's. I believe I was the 5th guy she lived with, although the details were always foggy on that one.

What i do know though, is that after leaving me she is now embarking on 4th radical career change (completely different jobs, job types and industry). I met her at work, and saw how she went from liking her job to hating it over time, everything and most people at work ticked her off until she wanted to leave and go try something else. It was eerily similar to how our relationship progressed.

I am wondering if this kind of instability, moving on the next new thing is normal for pwBPD or just a symptom of her age?  The behavior fits, unhappy with what i have, must find something new

Tim_tom, your uBPDex may not be BPD ... .I believe BPD usually traps the person and manipulates the person.  Not sure about packing up and leave ... .at least 5 times in her short lifespan is alot.  She may have other mental issues ... other than some PD issues.  Without knowing more about her, hard to tell ... but one thing for sure is that I am you, I would go out and celebrate that this is over.  Sounds like she is a lot of drama. 

 

[fromheeltoheal]

Our 20's is a time of exploring and finding ourselves, and it's common for folks to bounce around a lot as we do; if we're still doing it in our 40's we may want to grow up a little.  But a trait of BPD is an unstable sense of self, which can manifest as lots of jobs, lots of careers, poor follow-through with long term plans, not hard to understand when we consider it's a different person making the decisions, minute to minute, not in a multiple personalities sense, in an unstable self sense.  There's also the low-functioning vs high functioning borderline, with high functioning ones maintaining and even excelling in a career, where the traits can manifest in a positive way, or aren't apparent in their professional lives, but show up like gangbusters in their private ones.

So seems you're making a correlation between careers and men: "unhappy with what i have, must find something new".  Folks in their 20's usually go through a lot of relationships too, part of the exploration, but in a relationship with a borderline something is just "off"; I was with mine the first time when I was in my 20's, it was extremely hurtful, but I didn't know better then.  Then in my 40's we got together again, because she'd "changed", and things were still off, very off.  I'm learning... .

[tim_tom]

Tim_tom, your uBPDex may not be BPD ... .I believe BPD usually traps the person and manipulates the person.  Not sure about packing up and leave ... .at least 5 times in her short lifespan is alot.  She may have other mental issues ... other than some PD issues.  Without knowing more about her, hard to tell ... but one thing for sure is that I am you, I would go out and celebrate that this is over.  Sounds like she is a lot of drama. 

Oh, I was trapped and manipulated. It was when wouldn't capitulate to her demand to marry her that things started going south quickly. When I met her, she was living with someone else, and up and left for me. I suspect, she met someone else and left me for them, just as she had done to me. Little did i know.

Maybe it's not BPD, but nearly all of the behaviors/traits* are spot on outside of self mutilation, and my therapist was the one that actually suggested it. She had threatened to leave many times, and broke up with me 2x prior to the final split. When she finally did leave, it was instant coldness in a way that was inhuman

[tim_tom]

Our 20's is a time of exploring and finding ourselves, and it's common for folks to bounce around a lot as we do; if we're still doing it in our 40's we may want to grow up a little.  But a trait of BPD is an unstable sense of self, which can manifest as lots of jobs, lots of careers, poor follow-through with long term plans, not hard to understand when we consider it's a different person making the decisions, minute to minute, not in a multiple personalities sense, in an unstable self sense.  There's also the low-functioning vs high functioning borderline, with high functioning ones maintaining and even excelling in a career, where the traits can manifest in a positive way, or aren't apparent in their professional lives, but show up like gangbusters in their private ones.

So seems you're making a correlation between careers and men: "unhappy with what i have, must find something new".  Folks in their 20's usually go through a lot of relationships too, part of the exploration, but in a relationship with a borderline something is just "off"; I was with mine the first time when I was in my 20's, it was extremely hurtful, but I didn't know better then.  Then in my 40's we got together again, because she'd "changed", and things were still off, very off.  I'm learning... .

Yeah, I have been wondering if it's just an age thing. Just seems so odd, to impulsively jump into something with insane expectations, only to be disappointed, become angry and end up bailing for something new she is stoked for. Even in a micro sense, she was always starting and stopping things, rarely had follow through on even the smallest of things.  I mean the change of careers were drastic, it isn't like going from one company to the next. In the last 4 years she's been in finance, then marketing, and now is in cookie school to become a chef. I have no doubt that this latest thing will also lose it's allure to her when it turns out it's not exactly what she wants/expects it to be

[Bak86]

I think they do. Mine has no idea what to do with her life. She's almost 26 now. She barely made it through community college and she tried university, but failed badly(she studied psychology, i wonder why  ). Now she wants to try either law/economics or some kind of religion study. I just know if she does that she will fail again.

[fromheeltoheal]

In the last 4 years she's been in finance, then marketing, and now is in cookie school to become a chef.

I think borderlines would excel at marketing; what is mirroring and creation of an attractive false self to form an attachment if not marketing?

[tim_tom]

I think borderlines would excel at marketing; what is mirroring and creation of an attractive false self to form an attachment if not marketing?

Lol... too true.

I forgot to mention, she also started 3 different business w/her fathers money (and 1 mine). Never saw any of the them through though

[fred6]

Maybe it's not BPD, but nearly all of the behaviors/traits* are spot on outside of self mutilation, and my therapist was the one that actually suggested it. She had threatened to leave many times, and broke up with me 2x prior to the final split. When she finally did leave, it was instant coldness in a way that was inhuman

Yes the coldness was inhuman. My exBPD never addressed any relationship issues. I don't recall her coming to me with any concerns, kind of like she was scared I would leave her. Or maybe she didn't give a sh!t. However, when I addressed relationship concerns to her. Half the time her reply to me would be something along the lines of, "well then leave" or " you don't HAVE to be here". Now thst I think about it, about 6 months ago we were walking through a store and I was joking around about something and she said to me, "if you don't like it leave". I proceeded to tell her that if she kept saying that to me, that one day I might actually be gone. Maybe that conversation has something to do with all of this.

[maternal]

With my ex, yes.

It isn't just people that are either all good / all bad for him.  It was bands, songs, even genres of music,  Jobs and / or career choices / goals,  Hobbies, books, narcotics anonymous, the marine corps, shoes, cities in which he lives / lived, etc.  The black / white thinking is apparent all over his life.

[hurting300]

No one BPD person acts like the other. There are 247 or more variations for each symptom. She may or may not have borderline personality disorder. But saying oh she's young it's normal is a false and unprofessional response. Bpd tends to surface in early years.

[Pieter2]

Hi

With mine it was certainly the case. With her job, friends, interests. Nothing lasted more than a few months. She would start fighting with colleagues etc. With her friends (She really had none left) she would also start fighting. All her interests changed and her opinions of things and people changed daily. It was so frustrating. 

[camuse]

Tim, my experience was the same - she had lived with 3 or 4 people, was late 20s when we met, loved her job then one day hated it. Same with hobbies, found a new one, loved it, then hated it. Same with friends. Same with everything. Same with me. I do think it was all tied together - BPDs worry that they will never find what what they want, but they also don't know what that is. Because there is forever a big bottomless void that they cannot fill.

I've read a few posts saying similar. This instability caused problems in itself, in that I never knew what she liked on that particular day. So she might love a friend on Monday, then on Tuesday I'd say something positive about them unaware she now hated them. We might share an interest, then she'd get bored, but refuse to accept that I could do without it. "I know you like that and I don't any more, you will be looking for someone else who likes that," kind of thing. It was very exhausting.

Of course, your 20s are a time for trying different things, but that wasn't what she was doing - she simply had no idea who she was or what she wanted from life. And she panted everything black rather than just just getting bored. She loved her job Monday, hated it Tuesday. Loved her colleague Wednesday, hated them Thursday. All her exes she had simply "fallen out of love with them". And she literally loved me on a Monday, and despised me by Thursday as she set up home with my replacement. It must be an awful way to live.

[tim_tom]

Tim, my experience was the same - she had lived with 3 or 4 people, was late 20s when we met, loved her job then one day hated it. Same with hobbies, found a new one, loved it, then hated it. Same with friends. Same with everything. Same with me. I do think it was all tied together - BPDs worry that they will never find what what they want, but they also don't know what that is. Because there is forever a big bottomless void that they cannot fill.

I've read a few posts saying similar. This instability caused problems in itself, in that I never knew what she liked on that particular day. So she might love a friend on Monday, then on Tuesday I'd say something positive about them unaware she now hated them. We might share an interest, then she'd get bored, but refuse to accept that I could do without it. "I know you like that and I don't any more, you will be looking for someone else who likes that," kind of thing. It was very exhausting.

Of course, your 20s are a time for trying different things, but that wasn't what she was doing - she simply had no idea who she was or what she wanted from life. And she panted everything black rather than just just getting bored. She loved her job Monday, hated it Tuesday. Loved her colleague Wednesday, hated them Thursday. All her exes she had simply "fallen out of love with them". And she literally loved me on a Monday, and despised me by Thursday as she set up home with my replacement. It must be an awful way to live.

Yep, I didn't think it was just because of youth. I don't know that normal people um and make such drastic changes so quickly.

But I also don't know up from down at this point, I question everything about everyone. Find ulterior motives everywhere. It's really sad, but surprising the impact on my psyche this has all had.

[camuse]

It was the speed of the change that was not normal.

Monday, I love my job and everyone there, its amazing, I really want to progress with this company.

Tuesday, I hate it there, I've applied for other jobs, everyone is an idiot. I want to work in an entirely different sector.

Same with friends: Today X is such an amazing person, I really like spending time with them - they are a great friend! Tomorrow, X is a total moron, can't stand them.

It's all part of the BPD black and white childish thinking. Most people hopefully tolerate their jobs, would rather not be doing them, but it's ok and pays the bills. In crazy BPD land everything is amazing or awful. It's pretty tiring to live with.

And 28,29,30 isn't young. Maybe at 18, 19 this could just about be accepted, but 28,29 is a very fully grown adult approaching their 30s.

Mine wanted to do her job, do a different job, get promoted, leave, work full time, work part time, give up work, emigrate, move city, start a business, do two jobs, go travelling, be a mum ... .all within a few months. And once you agree that something is a good idea, you are disagreeing with all their future random ideas, as they remind you of your different views in the past - but its fine for them to change their mine 100x a day. In the end she did move to another city and a new job, and I'm sure she'll be getting bored of that now. New job, new man, new life, new friends, new drama, new misery, repeat, repeat, repeat, never actually addressing the real problem, ie the illness. Glad i'm out of it.

[Pou]

Oh, I was trapped and manipulated. It was when wouldn't capitulate to her demand to marry her that things started going south quickly. When I met her, she was living with someone else, and up and left for me. I suspect, she met someone else and left me for them, just as she had done to me. Little did i know.

Maybe it's not BPD, but nearly all of the behaviors/traits* are spot on outside of self mutilation, and my therapist was the one that actually suggested it. She had threatened to leave many times, and broke up with me 2x prior to the final split. When she finally did leave, it was instant coldness in a way that was inhuman

tim_tom, Sounds like BPD then… I guess what may differentiates from a BPD and NPD is that NPD can be so cold and inhuman even during a relationship.  My NPD wife essentially dropped a stone on my head during my dad's passing and much more.  I would suggest to run the other way while you still can.  getting involved with PDs is a life of pain.  I think if I could do it all over again, I would try harder to be addicted to video games, from what I understand, gamers often choose games over relationships.  I think NONs have the problem of being too "human".  We actually do care and want to have real relationships and can differentiate what is a "game" from what is "real".  Because NONs are so sensible, the PDs take advantage of us.  If I were to be a fanatic gamer, then I would not really care to have a real life relationship, hence I wouldnt put up with any non-sense, because playing Halo would come first.

[Indyan]

My uBPDex was in her late 20's. I believe I was the 5th guy she lived with, although the details were always foggy on that one.

What i do know though, is that after leaving me she is now embarking on 4th radical career change (completely different jobs, job types and industry). I met her at work, and saw how she went from liking her job to hating it over time, everything and most people at work ticked her off until she wanted to leave and go try something else. It was eerily similar to how our relationship progressed.

I am wondering if this kind of instability, moving on the next new thing is normal for pwBPD or just a symptom of her age?  The behavior fits, unhappy with what i have, must find something new

I used to be like that too, always looking for "better" (job, bf). And I'm definitely NOT borderline.

[tim_tom]

I used to be like that too, always looking for "better" (job, bf). And I'm definitely NOT borderline.

Major career changes too? I certainly believe you, but the parallels between her approach there and in relationships are very similiar

[fred6]

New job, new man, new life, new friends, new drama, new misery, repeat, repeat, repeat, never actually addressing the real problem, ie the illness. Glad i'm out of it.

This is exactly what happened to me. exBPD quit her job of 7 years in April. She complained about this job since I re-met her 3 years ago. According to her, it was her supervisor that was the cause of her discontent with her job. So her supervisor finally quit in March. Then exBPD turned in her 2 week notice at the end of March and finally left in early April. If her supervisor was the problem and her supervisor quit then, problem solved. I guess not.

So in a 2 month span, she quits her job in April. Quits taking her Zoloft cold turkey shortly thereafter. Splits black all of her ex coworkers. These were good friends of ours. She then kicked her 17 yo son out of the house and called him a piece of sh!t and that he was never moving back in. At that point she started cheating on me, lying about it for a month, broke up with me and told me to find an home. Then for the next 8 weeks while I was waiting for a place to live, she proceeded to treat me like I was a stranger on the street. While going out to spend the night with her new supply while I sit on the sofa and watch.

Her son is now back living there. He has been painted white and can do no wrong(for now, haha). When he moved back in, exBPD even let him bring an unemployed homeless friend to move in. Now that I'm gone, eventually she's going to turn on him again. So yes, new job, new man, new life, new friends, new drama, new misery, repeat, repeat, repeat. I left late Saturday afternoon, so I'm 48 hours NC.

[hurting300]

Bpd and Npd can easily overlap. My ex is borderline with sociopathic traits. So she is unstable.

[Pou]

New job, new man, new life, new friends, new drama, new misery, repeat, repeat, repeat, never actually addressing the real problem, ie the illness. Glad i'm out of it.

This is exactly what happened to me. exBPD quit her job of 7 years in April. She complained about this job since I re-met her 3 years ago. According to her, it was her supervisor that was the cause of her discontent with her job. So her supervisor finally quit in March. Then exBPD turned in her 2 week notice at the end of March and finally left in early April. If her supervisor was the problem and her supervisor quit then, problem solved. I guess not.

So in a 2 month span, she quits her job in April. Quits taking her Zoloft cold turkey shortly thereafter. Splits black all of her ex coworkers. These were good friends of ours. She then kicked her 17 yo son out of the house and called him a piece of sh!t and that he was never moving back in. At that point she started cheating on me, lying about it for a month, broke up with me and told me to find an home. Then for the next 8 weeks while I was waiting for a place to live, she proceeded to treat me like I was a stranger on the street. While going out to spend the night with her new supply while I sit on the sofa and watch.

Her son is now back living there. He has been painted white and can do no wrong(for now, haha). When he moved back in, exBPD even let him bring an unemployed homeless friend to move in. Now that I'm gone, eventually she's going to turn on him again. So yes, new job, new man, new life, new friends, new drama, new misery, repeat, repeat, repeat. I left late Saturday afternoon, so I'm 48 hours NC.

fred6 … you know, my NPDw is also unpredictable.  every year things change becomes worse … we have no communication except for certain things relating to our kids.  she is extremely controlling and she would use the tactic to control me buy accusing me of controlling so i would back off my opinion and she gets to do what she wanted.  She is a woman, so she wins on accusing all typical bad male traits, it is just crazy coming out from no where. 

Ok, so you know what … there is a reason why and how they behave out of sync with us.  I thought about this a lot, it has to do with they have a different life that we are not in touch with.  So they act and behave consistent with that "life", but not the life that we share.  Essentially, by the time you are aware of her cheating, she probably has done it many times over.  Her former supervisor could easily be someone she may had affair with…  I honest think people with PDs are because they have too many secrets in their closet and they act out because of the guilt, because trying to justify their bad behaviors, because they try to hide … essentially, they are sociopaths and can not properly responsible for their bad behaviors.

[Rise]

I know this isn't exactly the same thing, but bear with me. I've suffered from ADD my whole life. And I mean REALLY  bad ADD. Having a disorder doesn't just affect one certain part of your life. If it did, it would be so much easier to cope with. It's a part of who you are, for better or worse. It doesn't define you, but it does shape your life. And it shapes all of it. Not just work, or school, or relationships. Literally every aspect of my life is influenced by my disorder. People with BPD aren't any different. They aren't just borderline when in relationships. They are borderline every second, of every day of their lives, no matter what is going on. It may not always manifest itself, but it's always there.  I would find it absolutely astonishing if it DIDN'T affect every single aspect of their lives.

[Nomad1027]

Maybe it's not BPD, but nearly all of the behaviors/traits* are spot on outside of self mutilation, and my therapist was the one that actually suggested it. She had threatened to leave many times, and broke up with me 2x prior to the final split. When she finally did leave, it was instant coldness in a way that was inhuman

tim_tom, I've had experience with 2 BPDs.  My DxBPDw had all the traits and behaviors of full blown BPD.  She was an addict, attempted suicide, would hit herself when know one was looking, raged, etc.  My UxBPDgf did not show those extreme, disturbing traits. Her BPD presented itself very differently. Looking back, she did split people into balck and white, she was a binge eater and binge spender, she was highly promiscuous in her 20's, she had depression and anxiety, and when she dropped me after a 2 year relationship, she detached immediately and coldly, moving on to looking for her new fix almost immediately.  She was never volatile, never raged at me, and never was abusive towards me. 

But I know from conversations with others since then that she did act out her BPD traits with others, almost selectively and in a compartmentalized way. For example, she rages at her ex-husband, but at few others.  She love bombs new friends and detaches from them, almost surgically. 

I think each BPD presents different traits to different people at different times.  I also think that not all BPDs present the same traits.  There are some common ones, but self-mutilation or suicide attempts aren't a rule.

As for the BPD behaviors translating into other areas of life, I would say yes.  Remember, they have no sense of self.  So, they change jobs (mine didn't), they suddenly have new hobbies they jump into obsessively.  Their tastes in clothes, music, activities, etc. also shift, especially when they are entering a new friendship or relationship and they are mirroring the other person.  They can go through radical changes in their lives and they can be very impulsive.

My particular UxBPDgf is a psychologist and her ability to be a chameleon actually helps her connect with her clients/patients very effectively.