How has your faith helped in your healing?

[Woolspinner2000]

I recently wrote something small that applies to my hurt, pain, and abuse from an uBPDm. When I was having some time to just sit and think, some Bible verses spoke to me in a different way than one would normally read them. They spoke to me as one who has been abused. So I thought I would write down what they said to me, and take a chance and share them with you- see below.

I would love to hear from others if faith has helped you, and if so, how? If faith has been a struggle for you, tell us about that too. It is a tough walk to try and understand why God allows certain things to happen. We are all in the healing process.

Here is my 'poem' of sorts:

Where can I go to find you, when I am lost and feel so alone and far away from your Spirit?

To where can I run away in order to find safety?

I often feel that you are near but I have trouble finding you when I am so afraid.

If I'm feeling good and happy, I sense you are there.

If I am sad, shedding tears in the place of lowest despair, you said you are with me there too, even though I may not know it.

If I get up early and leave on a mission trip to go far away from the abuse of my home and family, even half way around the earth,

even there you said your hand would hold mine and you'd walk with me and not go away when I am facing myself.

If I say, "There's no way you would want to find me for I am too bad of a person," and there is no encouragement around me,

the discouragement will be hope and light and life to you for you are all these things

even when I cannot see the light for the blindness of my soul's eyes.

Your creation of me was truly a wonderful thing, and factually I know it.

You saw who I was when I didn't even know, and made me with everything I'd need,

to be able to do all those set-apart-God-things you have planned for me

long before I was able to do the first one.

Look at me Spirit of God. You know my heart. You know the pain and scars of my abuse.

Help me to be comfortable in finding you and in finding who you made me to be.

Keep leading me.


Based on portions of Psalms 139


Woolspinner

[clljhns]

Hi Woolspinner,

Beautiful poem. I wouldn't call the poem small, I found it to be a very powerful expression of your deep pain from the abuse. While I do not ascribe to any religion, I do have spiritual beliefs that I find to be of great comfort to me. If I may, I will explain. I have researched and read a great deal of information about the five major religions of the world, and some that are less prominent. I found many common threads and profound teachings and beliefs within many of them. I took from these what resonated within me and incorporated them into the core self. I think my study of reincarnation helped me the most. Reincarnation helps me to understand that there is a higher purpose to everything. Even the abuse as a child. But I can make choices as an adult that remove me from any abuse. I am a firm believer that we are the masters of our destiny and thus, we can accomplish anything we desire. I am not discounting the life-long effects of the abuse nor attempting to deny it happened. I feel better when I think that I am know in control and therefore need to focus on what I can do to better myself and my circumstances. I am human, and have many frailties, including still feeling like an outsider to many of the people I work with and encounter.

I did participate in a particular Protestant religion for many years, but did not find what I was seeking. I think it is important for everyone to have something that brings them peace and comfort, whether that is through an organized religion or not.


Enjoyed your poem tremendously. Please share again!

Peace and blessings. 

[Ziggiddy]

Skintingling reaction to reading your poem again and again. Not only because it is so evocative but because the heart and courage for you to write it and to share it.

I have touched before on my feelings about abuse and the common question"Where was God when these things were going on?"

I know my beliefs are quite unpopular but I believe in  real spirit creatures who  actively determined to viciously bully human beings and do whatever it takes to cut them off from sources of spiritual light. There is an echo of this behaviour in parents who beat their kids, or hurt them or verbally and/or emotionally abuse them. Human beings? - well i don't believe they are capable of quite plumbing those depths without being helped along and induced by bad forces.

So I sincerely believe that to offset this there is strong positive spiritual protection available. More so than we can even imagine. We don't feel it or see it so we can easily assume it's not there, but I think there is HEAPS going on in the spirit world and we don't know the half of it.

I believe that my faith has helped me immensely. BUT here's the key - not by people who SAY they are 'Christian' (my mum professed to be a Christian whilst perpetrating all kinds of abuse both insidious and obvious on me and my sibs) but by people who ACT like Christians.

I have this friend who carefully considers my feelings. Who regularly looks for ways to be proactive in our relationship. Who is interested in what I have to say. Who builds me up and notes my good points. Who downplays and overlooks my weak points. Her husband is the same. To me, THEY are faithful Christians. My mother? Who dismisses my wants, my needs, my tastes? Whose conversation rarely strays from herself? Who indulges her every whim at others' expense? Who demands, ignores invalidates and criticises? Well ... .guess which one means more to me!

i once heard that the voice of Satan: criticises, demeans, is sarcastic, obsesses, condemns, discourages, confuses, frightens. But the voice of God: uplifts, refreshes, calms, comforts, enlightens, reassures, stills.

I think that sums up quite well for me.

[claudiaduffy]

I would love to hear from others if faith has helped you, and if so, how?

Woolspinner, I like your take on that psalm. Good stuff.

I have long found nourishment in Psalm 27:10 - "My father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me up." Particularly before I met my husband, during long years of feeling lonely, family-less, and undesired, this verse and others were incredibly helpful in giving me words to cling to. Reminders that the one who made me wanted me, held me, and never left me alone.

In a real way, my faith really isn't what helps in my healing. Learning to see God's face and feel his breath in his workings with me and others is what has done that. I've been LC with my uBPDmom for several years now, starting around the same time my dad left her and she was really by herself for the first time ever. While we are LC, I do talk with her on the phone every few weeks, and since we can't talk much about my life because she doesn't respect my boundaries during that kind of conversation, we talk (I listen, rather) about her life. And it's been a little mind-boggling to see - over the course of 6-7 years - how God's work in her life is changing her. Not miraculously overhauling her disordered personality, but in very real ways saving her from the worst of herself and changing her in ways that, while very small, are also almost unimaginable improvements for someone with BPD. She has a thread of actual, real confidence that God loves her and holds her, and she doesn't talk about it the same way she used to. It's not frantic, it's not said to impress me; it's a tiny, humble knowledge that she displays. The humility of it is barely tingeing the rest of her dealings with people; she is ever so slightly more capable of letting others be themselves, of not passing condemnation on them, of expressing true tolerance. The fact that she actually seems to be unaware of this change in herself speaks loudly to the real-ness of it.

It's not a big enough change to allow me to soften my boundaries toward her, because if I give her an inch, she'll take a mile still. But it is a big enough change for me to see God actually working, actually making my mom's inner life a less horrific place, actually making her impact on others a small amount less damaging.

It's also a big contrast to what we've dealt with from my uBPDmil. She's twelve years older than my mom, the daughter of an abusive pastor, the widow of an enabling/passive pastor, and the newlywed wife of a churchgoing widower. She uses her "faith" to burn, slice, and beat others, and to bolster her own opinion of herself. These are all things my mother has done, and occasionally veers towards, but seeing it presented without letup in my mil has highlighted the extent to which it is being curbed in my mom. There are other evidences I have of God's shaping of a person's live, but the way he is working on my mom is one of the biggies, and one that encourages me greatly in my own healing.

[Harri]

Hi woolspinner.  That was a beautiful poem.  The second to last line speaks the loudest to me and kind of sums up what I think I am here on earth to learn:  "Help me to be comfortable in finding you and in finding who you made me to be."  I like to believe that God has made it possible for me to find who he made me to be even though I feel damaged.  He made me with the knowledge of what my life would be here and as much as I may struggle with some of my experiences, He already knows them and I am already right where I am supposed to be at this very moment in time.

I hope you keep sharing these creative parts of you.   

[jmanvo2015]

Beautiful poem Woolspinner 

I have been very angry at God this year, but have had great faith and been deeply involved with a church in the past.  I'm slowly making my way back to him... .but I've been really disappointed in him this year and wondering where he has been when I've needed him 

[Woolspinner2000]

What wonderful responses from each of you! I see a familiar thread weaving us all together. We've each struggled to find the right way to keep going, and we are all seeking the answers. We also all realize that what we saw in our BPD person was clearly not an example of love or God's love. Thus our faith has been tested and shaken to the core, prompting us to seek for ourselves the faith that will help us through this.

Thank you for sharing your   in your answers. For me, my faith in a higher being is the one thing that sustained me through my childhood. Yet now as an adult, my faith needs to go deeper to find who God really is. I'm discovering I really have never known Him for who He is, just for who He has been presented to be which somehow is so tangled up in my parents (including my uBPD mom) that I cannot separate them. Nor have I ever really known myself. The untangling is taking time.

Jmanvo, you know it's okay to be angry with Him. We've all been there. Thank you for sharing this with us. You are sharing your feelings and that's good!

Harri,  I too feel so damaged/victimized. That's why I need to learn how to be comfortable in who I am becoming, for it sure isn't who I thought it would be. He specializes in using those who are broken in spite of ourselves and how we feel.

Claudiaduffy, I especially appreciate how you have been able to sort out the real from those who wear the mask of deceit and judgement. How much joy I can tell you are experiencing from those little steps your mom is taking! That is wonderful, yet you are keeping those necessary boundaries.

Ziggiddy, You've got a handle on the truth here: 

BUT here's the key - not by people who SAY they are 'Christian' (my mum professed to be a Christian whilst perpetrating all kinds of abuse both insidious and obvious on me and my sibs) but by people who ACT like Christians.

i once heard that the voice of Satan: criticises, demeans, is sarcastic, obsesses, condemns, discourages, confuses, frightens. But the voice of God: uplifts, refreshes, calms, comforts, enlightens, reassures, stills.

Great list!

Clljhns,  I loved this part of what you wrote:

Reincarnation helps me to understand that there is a higher purpose to everything. Even the abuse as a child. But I can make choices as an adult that remove me from any abuse. I am a firm believer that we are the masters of our destiny and thus, we can accomplish anything we desire. 

I think it is important for everyone to have something that brings them peace and comfort, whether that is through an organized religion or not.

I'm glad you all have enjoyed my poem-thank you! It just spills out the heart of what it feels like when you are in the midst of trying to figure out the abuse.

To others out there, keep posting your thoughts please! Love to hear them!

Woolspinner

[beefree]

My faith has been monumental in forming a healthier self image and self confidence... .knowing and believing that I was fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God and am unconditionally loved.  That I am not expected to be perfect, only Jesus was, and that there's only one Savior of the world, and it's not me... .I can't save/fix/change the abusive people in my life, and I'm not ultimately responsible for that - only the way I act/react with those in my life.

No matter what happens on this earth - free will allowing for sin and bad choices - I can look forward to the day when there is no pain, tears, or crying anymore.  Contrary to alot of what we sometimes hear/imagine, faith doesn't promise an easy life - we are to take up the cross as we follow, and the promise from Jesus is that there will be trouble... .but to take heart, because ultimately He will overcome.  He wants to share our burdens... .his yoke is easy, his burden light... .as He comforts us, he teaches us to comfort others - through the one He sent, the Holy Spirit, the comforter.

Psalm 27:10 is a verse that I have also recently discovered and a huge comfort.

There's also a book called Bold Love by Allender and Longman that uses the biblical categories from proverbs of the evil person, fool, and ordinary sinner that I have found helpful in processing my abuse and my relationship with my abuser from a faith perspective.

So yes, my faith is a huge part of my life and has had a huge impact on my healing. 

[jmanvo2015]

I am really struggling with my faith right now.  I am so angry at God.  Has anyone been here?  How do I find my way out?  I screamed at him for an hour last night in my car while driving in circles.  Why God did you give me a mother and two fathers like this?  Why couldn't just one of them be normal and loving?  Why do I have such a small family and so little support?  Why am I alone all the time?  Why God, why?  Why can't you bring me a good man?  Why do you always send me men that are married or emotionally unavailable?  Why are you making me suffer like this?  Why?  Why? 

I had a true pity party.  I cried and screamed so hard that I arrived home exhausted.  I still am today.  I have horrible circles under my eyes from all the crying. 

I spent 6 years on the board of deacons of a church.  I've always thought of myself as a good person. I've always been a people pleaser that tries too hard.  I've watched all of my friends get married and have families, only to realize that not only did I have an abusive and lonely childhood, but it seems I'm doomed to have the same old age, too.

I'm really angry at God.  I appreciate your allowing me to express that anger here in this thread on faith.  You have all expressed how faith has helped you.

Please let me know what you think I can do to find love for God again and faith that things will be OK?  This has been a really tough year.

[Hawk Ridge]

I want to follow this thread - good stuff

[clljhns]

jmanvo2015.

Why God did you give me a mother and two fathers like this?  Why couldn't just one of them be normal and loving?  Why do I have such a small family and so little support?  Why am I alone all the time?

What if you chose them? What if these were the life lessons that you wanted? I am not suggesting that anyone actually wants to be abused. But what if you felt it important in your soul's growth to not have loving and supportive parents? What if you also felt it necessary to not have an extended family for support?

I pose these questions, because my faith allows for the possibility that we make conscious decisions before we are born for the purpose of our soul's growth. Knowing this, for me, takes the onus off of God. Also, knowing that we are made in the image of God, to me, would mean that I hated myself if I were to stay angry with God. Furthermore, I choose to believe that I have more control over my decisions, rather than believe that someone else (God) is making those decisions for me.

I don't know if any of this resonates with you, or answers your question, but it gives me a great deal of peace when I imagine that there is a greater purpose to all the pain. It also allows me to look at the bigger picture and realize that everyone in my family, and all people, came here with a plan. What we do with that plan is up to us. Some of us never realize their purpose for any number of reasons, or alter the path to the extreme, as I believe my parents did.

I am so angry at God.  Has anyone been here?  How do I find my way out?

I think to find your way out, you will need to go within. Does this make sense? Externalizing our feelings can put us a place of helplessness.

Wishing you peace and blessings. 

[jmanvo2015]

It sounds like you are very centered with all of this, clljhns.  Your comments do resonate with me.  I've read some of your other posts and it makes me wonder if you're a Buddhist?  I like to think of myself as a Zen Christian.  Though, these days I'm not much of anything but an angry agnostic. 

If you have any recommended reading, I'd be very grateful for the additional advice?  I am intrigued by what you are saying and would like to learn more.  Thank you.

[clljhns]

Hi jmanvo2015,

While I don't ascribe to any particular religion, I have read about all of the major religions and some minor religions. I went on a quest some years ago after feeling that I wasn't getting my spiritual needs met. I read the bible in its entirety. I read all of Michael Newton's books on reincarnation. I read Seth, by Jane Roberts. I watched all of John Bradshaw's videos on family dynamics. I also read a lot Mary Summer Rains books. Nature has always centered me and inspired me, so I have returned to nature and have read about shamanic healing. I use naturopathic remedies and see a chiropractor who also uses acupuncture to restore balance to the body and chakras. Oh, I read about chakras and how to balance them. This has been the greatest challenge for me, in regards to the chakras. I have many areas of energy within the body that are blocked. I also practice Fung Shui.

I currently see a therapist who also practices shamanism, which has been a wonderful experience. I think most importantly for me is that I allow myself to explore and grow through any means that is positive and uplifting. I am still in process, and have much to learn.

Do you have an image of your anger? What does it look like? Does it have a name? I have spent a lot of time thinking about anger myself and wondered what was at the root of anger. For me the answer was that anger is only the outward expression of fear and pain. When we are confronted with many years of pain and fear, we have a full grown beast known as anger. This beast is there for protection, so really anger is a good thing. It is a means of survival. We are led to believe that anger is dangerous, or somehow a bad thing, especially in a world which teaches our girls to not feel anger. Anger is the first defense we have. How we express it is when things can go awry.

There is a story in the bible of Jesus becoming angry when he sees people in the temple bartering and selling goods. He trashed the place and yelled at everyone that they were blaspheming God's house. The temple is a place of worship, not a market place. I am paraphrasing here, and can't even tell what book or verse that comes from in the bible. My point is that anger has a place and a purpose. Your anger is justified. It is okay to be angry. The next question is, what will you do with that anger? Will you allow it to feed off of its host? Or, will you thank it for a job well done in telling you to protect your boundaries and then release it? It is when we hang on to our anger in fear that we will not see the red flags and recognize danger without our anger, that it grows into a beast that owns us.

I am happy to talk more in this vein, if it continues to be of help to you.

Peace and blessings. 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Jmanvo,

I'm glad you are seeking to find the answers and that you are expressing your anger.

I am really struggling with my faith right now.  I am so angry at God.  Has anyone been here?  How do I find my way out? 

Please let me know what you think I can do to find love for God again and faith that things will be OK?  This has been a really tough year.

I have a friend that I've learned to trust, and she has said to me, "It's amazing that you even have faith in God after all you've been through." I guess I never thought of it that way, but I see her point. I suppose for me, all I've ever had was God. It's not that way for everyone, I've learned. Another friend of mine says she is mad at God all the time and tells him so. I have to smile at her genuineness, and at the same time realize that king David wrote all about his anger towards God and others quite frequently.

It's not wrong to be angry, whether it is toward people or toward God. Cljhns made a great point when she talked about the story of Jesus being angry in the temple, and she has this wonderful conclusion:

My point is that anger has a place and a purpose. Your anger is justified. It is okay to be angry. The next question is, what will you do with that anger? Will you allow it to feed off of its host? Or, will you thank it for a job well done in telling you to protect your boundaries and then release it? It is when we hang on to our anger in fear that we will not see the red flags and recognize danger without our anger, that it grows into a beast that owns us.

My T used this very same story as an example to me of righteous anger. He asked me if it is possible that it is okay for me to be angry with my uBPDm based on this story of Jesus since He was angry too and rightfully so. I had to think for a bit before I answered, but my answer to him said this:  if I allow myself to be angry with my mom, then that is to say that it is justified and okay and also says therefore that she did something wrong. At that time I was still trying to figure out if she DID do something wrong and if I was abused. I was not in the place to be able to answer an affirmative yes, but now, several months later, I can say that I am angry and rightfully so.

One of my children asked a question during a conversation this summer as to why God allowed something in their life. I don't have the answer, but I encouraged them to keep looking. I fully believe that all things are allowed in our lives for a reason, for our good ultimately. Often we are so quick to assume that the good things that happen to us are what we are responsible for, and we forget to thank God. When the bad things come, we are quick to blame God. I think it's human nature to do so. 

I've had a hard time understanding love though, not only from people but also from God. As I've mentioned before, my understanding is so tangled up in the mess of my parents that I don't have them separated yet. I share that to tell you that your anger is probably all mixed up with many things, not only at God but also with your parents. You will figure it out and begin to sort through it; you will get the answers you need; it won't be overnight. It will take time. The picture will clarify as you continue on the journey, so in the meantime, be kind to yourself and don't be kicking yourself that you are angry with God. Learn, grow, have patience with yourself when you think you cannot. Your faith will become stronger as you seek and find.

Woolspinner

[jmanvo2015]

Thank you clljhns + Woolspinner.

You both just provided a lot for me to think on.  If I'm honest with myself, I have to admit that, despite going to church for many years, my faith has never been that strong.  I haven't ever really let go and let God and all that.  I have returned recently to 12 Step programs and as you probably know those are faith based with the first step being that you admit powerlessness and that on a "power greater than yourself" can help you and then in the 2nd step you turn your life over to God. For many years I was in Overeaters Anonymous because I have a weight problem, but I left and was disappointed in the program.  Now, I'm going to return because living with my uBPDm and uNPD stepdad is making me start binge eating.

Anyway... .I would really like to stay connected with you both because you have both demonstrated the strong faith I wish I had.  clljhns - the questions you are asking me are really strong and I would definitely like to continue.

I'm looking forward to staying in touch on these boards.

Cheers and thank you

[clljhns]

jmanvo2015,

I didn't know if you are aware that you can send private messages through this site. Kind of like email. 

[claudiaduffy]

I am really struggling with my faith right now.  I am so angry at God.  Has anyone been here?  How do I find my way out?  I screamed at him for an hour last night in my car while driving in circles.  Why God did you give me a mother and two fathers like this?  Why couldn't just one of them be normal and loving?  Why do I have such a small family and so little support?  Why am I alone all the time?  Why God, why?  Why can't you bring me a good man?  Why do you always send me men that are married or emotionally unavailable?  Why are you making me suffer like this?  Why?  Why?  ... .  I've watched all of my friends get married and have families, only to realize that not only did I have an abusive and lonely childhood, but it seems I'm doomed to have the same old age, too.

I'm really angry at God.  I appreciate your allowing me to express that anger here in this thread on faith.  You have all expressed how faith has helped you.

Please let me know what you think I can do to find love for God again and faith that things will be OK?  This has been a really tough year.

jmanvo,

All I can say is that I've been there and that I have great love for anyone in that place. There is no magic formula, and I can't assure you that there is someone for everyone, or anything like that. There was nothing good I did to deserve the man who loves me, no turning point I reached before I found him.

I can tell you that even though his love drastically changes my life for the better, I am very aware that I need to hold him with a loose grasp, that while I do not expect the worst, I do need to be ready to be alone again. I am not guaranteed anything about my future. And when I was single and so very lonely, I had to be aware that even that loneliness was far preferable to belonging to someone toxic.

There were seasons where I felt God's company and love, and seasons where I didn't. That hasn't changed, even in this first year of marriage. I wish I had something solid for you, but I am sending you my love and prayers on your behalf. Do scream at God. Do beat at him with your hurts. He is the truly safe one who can handle your pain, even though it can take so very long to be able to feel anything positive about it.

[Shelle]

I'm really angry at God.  I appreciate your allowing me to express that anger here in this thread on faith.  You have all expressed how faith has helped you.

Please let me know what you think I can do to find love for God again and faith that things will be OK?  This has been a really tough year.

I've been angry too.  Not actually angry at God, but at fundamentalism and how people use the Bible to justify abuse, and have their own needs met at the expense of others (while telling these others that it's selfish for them to want their needs met too).

I recently found two books that have been a great help.

12 "Christian" Beliefs That Can Drive You Crazy and Boundaries  Both are written by the same two Christian psychologists.

[claudiaduffy]

jmanvo,

I read this piece today and thought of you. It's not Christmas yet, but it will come soon, and it's one of the loneliest times of the year for all of us here who have to deal with the utter loss of parents who are toxic and unsafe. Maybe this article and song (there's a play button at the end of the post) can help give voice to your ache. Praying for you this morning! www.rabbitroom.com/2013/12/come-children-of-this-long-discarded-night-2/