My daughter has BPD, bipolar disorder and possible narrisistic personality

[Schatzmum]

Hi.  My almost 20 year old daughter has BPD.  She was diagnosed several months ago.  She will not acknowledge.  She does realize she has a problem but will not discuss and continues to make excuses for not making an appointment with a therapist.  She has been seen by several psychiatrists and therapists since she was 12 with no known diagnosis.  Her birth father (my first husband) suffered depression and committed suicide when she was 2.5 years old.  She has a younger brother who is 14 months younger than her.  I have remarried and my husband adopted my children.  They have had an idyllic childhood since.  She is a sophomore in college.  She belongs to a sorority and is very active in several other groups on campus.  She is high functioning BPD.  My hope is that she will see a therapist.  Her last psychiatrist finally diagnosed her.  The psychiatrist then quit her private practice to work in a hospital.  My daughter now sees our family physician.  She is taking lithium and several sleeping meds as she has trouble (always has) sleeping.  My husband is a family physician also but one of his partners sees our daughter.  I have read several books and web articles about BPD and am trying to communicate better.  Her brother and I are her main targets when she rages.  I'd mainly like some advice as to how to get her see a therapist on an ongoing basis. She will go for a little while (about 6 to 8 visits) then quit.   She says she's too busy and doesn't have time.  I've tried to stress that her health is in jeopardy but she only gets angry at me.  Thanks for any help or advice.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lucky One]

Sorry to hear about your daughter. This must be very heart rending for you as a mother.

I'm fairly new on this site myself with a BPD wife, suffering with Graves disease and hyperthyroidism. Terrible!

We've been together for 38 years, and the marriage is now under serious threat. It's so sad!

I believe I have been very lucky to have found this website, because I think the answers to the problems lie here, and I'm in the process of digging deep for the information that might help us.

Wishing you a successful journey with your family. Hope you find something on this site to help your precious daughter.

On this website, I came across a thing they call CBT - Cognitive Behavioural Therapy - which in turn led to other searches on the Internet, which has been quite helpful to me. My wife has also agreed to do it. I hope she sticks to it. It has to do with thoughts and feelings (emotions) in that it says that "What we think, is What we feel".

If our thoughts are "warped" our feelings (emotions) will be too. CBT also helps to unwarp the thoughts. Actually its a whole new learning experience for me, by itself, and run on the Internet by a University, in Australia.

I'm so glad I found it. Its also for free. That's the really nice part! I feel my own thoughts (feelings) are becoming clearer and the very great personal hurt, sadness and confusion, have eased a bit.

I've only done up to part 2 of the 5 part course and apparently there is some more to do after that. It's beginning to work for me and I sincerely hope it helps my wife with her seemingly confused thoughts (feelings) as well.  This will be a truly great blessing for us.

Just wanted to share that with you.

Best wishes

[Kwamina]

Hi Leahsmom and welcome to our online community

I'm sorry your daughter has BPD and is not ready yet to fully acknowledge it. However I do find it encouraging that she does seem to realize she has a problem. BPD is a difficult disorder and it isn't easy to accept you have it but perhaps in time your daughter will. You mention she has been seeing psychiatrists and therapists since she was 12, could you tell us a bit more about her behaviors that you find worrying? You for instance mention her rages, are there any other things she does you find difficult to deal with?

Getting your daughter to commit to therapy can be quite challenging if she is not willing to commit to it. Do you know if she's just resisting the idea of seeing a therapist or is it more like she resists the idea of working on herself altogether? Perhaps she would be willing to do some work on her own, as Lucky One rightly pointed out there are several resources on the internet that people with mental and emotional issues can use to work on themselves, even when they're not seeing a therapist. When it comes to BPD, there's a therapy called Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) that has been proven to be effective. Are you familiar with DBT and do you know if your daughter has ever received this type of therapy? There is a site called DBT Self Help aimed at people with BPD: www.dbtselfhelp.com

The interesting thing about DBT Self Help is that it was written primarily by people who have been through DBT themselves and not by DBT professionals. It's a place where people talk about their experiences and try to help each other. Perhaps you're daughter would be willing to work on her issues through DBT Self Help.

I think it might also help you to take a look at our parenting board, there you'll find the stories of other parents with BPD children. I think you can benefit from reading their stories and how they deal with things and you can also find several resources there that tell you more about BPD. Take care and I hope you'll find this information helpful

[free-n-clear]

  Hi, Leahsmom. I'd like to join Lucky One and Kwamina in welcoming you to our not-so-little family.

   I'm also the parent of a young adult daughter so I really feel for you. While she isn't the reason I'm here (a now-ex girlfriend was my passport to this site) I can understand how heartbreaking it must be for you that your daughter won't reach out for the treatment that could help her.   The fact that she has been diagnosed is a good thing, though. Sadly, most pwBPD (people with BPD) are never diagnosed, and therefore never get the help they need. Your daughter being aware of her diagnosis is at least a start, and with the resources you'll find here to help you improve your communication with her, there's every chance that in time, she will reach out.

   When a child suffers from BPD (even our adult child), not only is the child unhappy and unhealthy, but often, so is everyone who loves them. This mental illness can severely affect everyone, creating drama and heartbreak, while also piling on the guilt and anxiety. The good news is that there are answers to these problems, and we are here to offer you the support and encouragement to help you find them. You'll see that there are things that can be done to avoid making things worse and begin to make them better. A great place to start is with this set of resources: What can a parent do?

   We have many members in situations similar to yours and they share with, learn from and support each other on the board Kwamina linked for you, our Parenting a Son or Daughter Suffering from BPD discussion board. You'll find a genuine warmth and sense of community among our members and the realisation that you're not alone, that their are others who genuinely understand what you're dealing with because they've been or are going through it themselves, is in itself a great help.

   Some of the resources here that you'll find helpful are these short videos - Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD and BPD - Support for the Family - as well as this article: Helping a Loved-One with Borderline Personality Disorder Seek Treatment. I'd also encourage you to check out What is the relationship between BPD and bipolar disorder? and What is the relationship between BPD and narcissism (NPD)?

   This site has helped thousands of people and I know it will help you, too. You're among understanding friends here Leahsmom, so once again, Welcome Aboard!

   free-n-clear. 

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Leahsmom & I'd like to join Lucky One, Kwamina and free-n-clear in welcoming you to our family, and to encourage you to check out the resources and good advice that they've given to you... .We really are here for you and would love to help!

How are things going today? How is your daughter doing at college? Would she ever take advantage of the Health Services offered by her school (they do have counselors or other mental health professionals available, right?) if she felt the need? Maybe that would be her portal into some sort of Therapy when she feels she needs it; something like that might feel less stressful to her?

Please let us know how things are progressing, and while you are checking out the TOOLS and THE LESSONS to the right-hand side of this page, ask any questions you might have or even better, let us know what you think and if any of what is here is helping you and your family in any way... .We really do care, Leahsmom