dont know how to deal with my feelings

[ilmatar]

sorry for my english, its not my first language

i wanna ask, how can you deal with recycling?

after 2 months of flirting and some dates, he said he wants to be my bf. i didnt reject him, he wanted to kiss me but i said maybe later. actually that was a good day for me, we laughted a lot. but a few days later he said he wants to be alone. we were like friends for 1,5 months, at this time he always said there is no one in his life and bla bla bla... .  then we said he missed me so much and send me poems and stuff. a month later i forgive him and accept him again. but last week, after  found some messages, he confess that he cheated on me when we break up. same day, he wants to kiss me, he sended a message another girl and they dated. he cried, apalogized, and do stuff like that. he said i forgive him before and i shouldnt bring this things up. and i said i didnt know about that betrayed. now, he does whatever I want, he really tries.

we are at same home like a month. i feel like married but i am just 20 years old university student and my dBPDbf is 21. it doesnt feel good.

i cant accept what he did. can he do that again? he lied to me about this time, he said he isnt seeing someone but he did. actually i think its normal, we were not really together but he lied to me so many time.

i dont know what to do. trust doesnt seem in the skyline. i cant shut down my brain. there is so many if questions. if he does this again? what if he lies? is he love me? he left me so easily, why cant i? do i really love him, or i just feel pity for him?

i read too much about borderline. it makes me anxious. so a borderline cant feel real love? are we just some people who should make them feel good? if its like that, why we are trying to work on our relationships? i feel so depressed, i dont even want to be with him anymore but when i look him in the eye, i felt terrible to feel like that.

he knows that he is sick. he wants to be get better but i dont know how can i handle his betrayed. i couldnt forgive but when i said about break up, he cried a lot. brings up his childhood and stuff. i couldnt continue to break up. i dont now if i still love him, i dont know if i should leave him or try to work on this. do you think a borderline can love? or can escape this cycling? should i give him another chance? i have too much personal problems and i need someone. maybe because of that, i cant leave him. i just cant control my brain and feelings, when i sleep alone, i am always seeing nightmares, when i am with him i cant sleep because i am afraid to he does to me something when he is sleeping (a few days ago he forget his medicine and saw a nightmare, he didnt realize i am with him and screamed a lot. when he understand i am near to him he hugged me and cried) damn. i am all lost.

[Mutt]

I'm sorry to hear that your bf is cheating  You feel betrayed, angry and hurt.

i cant accept what he did. can he do that again? he lied to me about this time, he said he isnt seeing someone but he did. actually i think its normal, we were not really together but he lied to me so many time.

What does that voice in your head tell you? What does it tell you?

Recycling takes two people. Take BPD out of the equation. What is your personal boundary when someone cheats on you? I believe that an imperative foundation in any relationship is trust. If I can't trust my partner, I suffer, the relationship suffers.