Do I want it to end?

[LooceyBlue]

Hi, I'm Loocey.

I've lurking on this board and reading everyone else's posts because I didn't know what to say. I think I was also afraid that my SO would find this site and be furious at me. Anyway. I'm at the end of my rope... .I don't care anymore if she finds out. I'm feeling really sad and feel so alone. I was happy in my life before I met her. I feel like my life is in shambles now.

Here's some background: I'm in my mid-30s, lesbian, been with my GF for 10 months. First month was really great, then things started to get odd. Now, she has these 'bad days' at least once a week where she lashes out at me. Often, there's a very calm conversation in person earlier, then late at night she'll phone or text me completely irrational, making accusations, going on and on... .there's no logic, no way to shut it down except to say 'goodbye' and hang up.

Each time it happens, she promises it won't happen again and then the next week it does. There doesn't need to be a reason for the 'fight' - she just picks something. Sometimes, they are small things... .in fact, they usually are.

I don't know if she's BPD. A coworker showed me this website because he thinks she might be, based on what I've told him. Some of the characteristics make sense, especially the stuff around the constant conflict.

In between the conflict parts, she's a good person, loving, generous and wise. We were friends first, and as a friend, she was the wisest, calmest person I know. When we got involved romantically, things started to fall apart with us.  I feel like I'm losing my best friend :-(

I'm now trying to decide whether I should stay or go. I love her, but I hate feeling this way. I want to be happy again. I'm not happy at all right now. This relationship has sucked everything right out of me. I never know whether it will be a 'good day' or a 'bad day' with her and I need to watch everything I say because I don't know if it will come back on me later on (yes, I'm reading 'walking on eggshells' now - the title makes perfect sense to me).

Thank you for listening. It really helps to read your stories. I realise that my situation is hard, but everyone else is suffering too. I hope we all figure it out.

Loocey

[Mutt]

 

LooceyBlue,

I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties that you are going through. It is so hard when we feel like we are losing a best friend, a confidante and someone we trust and love. On the flip side it is emotionally exhausting. You feel like you are somewhere in the middle being pulled by both sides. This person makes me miserable but I care for her. In this mixture I felt like I was losing myself, my identity and becoming someone different. A shadow of my former self. Tired, depressed, anxious and angry. That's a tough place to be. Find the time to take care of you LooceyBlue .


-Mutt