Since i have to get used to admitting this... The worst thing of all of it

[tim_tom]

Hello,

This is very hard for me to admit publicly (even with the anonymity), but I feel it's part of the process of accepting it.

My BPD gave me an STD, one that doesn't go away. HSVII.

Worse yet, she played it in such a way that made me feel like I gave it to her intially. Brief synopsis of events:

I first exhibited symptoms shortly after our first time together, I told her. She told me that her ex boyfriend had it, but she got tested as negative, and that I should go get tested if i wanted but she wasn't going to leave me. While I was figuring out where to get tested, and waiting for results. She encouraged me to have sex without a condom, stating that she loves me and we are going to be together forever so she'll get it at some point anyway. I refused every time and didn't even want to have sex at all but allowed it to happen with a condom. Sure enough, my test results came back positive. I called her, she was fine with it. Then I asked her to get tested. While we were waiting the same thing happened almost everytime we had sex, "lets just do it without a condom, it doesn't matter since i will get it anyway" I again refused. (She would get mad that I refused, taking it as a sign that I wasn't committed to her forever). Her test came back positive (I never saw the results though), and we went about our merry way agreeing never to talk about it or blame one another, but I always felt responsible since I was "first".

The thing is, she's a hypochondriac, won't even sleep with the cell phone near the bed cause she's worried about brain cancer. This is not the type of person who would risk there sexual health like that. Plus, she said her ex had it (i am now assuming she gave it to him as well), and she knew all about it

Not only that, if I had ceded to her demands of doing it without a condom, she would've been able to 100% blame it on me. How cruel

so... .what's killing me is that she will skate through life, giving it to the next poor sap, making him feel like he gave it to her... Meanwhile, I will tell anyone before becoming intimate and face rejection or at least a compromised sex life. It burns me up! (not to mention, being a bit socially awkward and wearing my heart on my sleeve, I'm not even sure I can "act" normal during courting)

Not only am I dealing with the breakup, I've never really had to confront the reality of this before until now. It's debilitating.

Anyway, thanks for listening. I am without hope, and that is a tough thing to lose

[momtara]

Well, that is bizarre and sociopathic of her.  That's really messed up!  It's due to her mental illness, but a terrible thing to do to someone anyway.  You say you're without hope, but there are people who would understand if you're a good enough person.  You will find true love, and not with a master manipulator.  I'm socially awkward too and that's probably how I ended up with my ex husband.  I'm sorry this happened to you. The layers of this disorder are unbelievable.

[tim_tom]

Well, that is bizarre and sociopathic of her.  That's really messed up!  It's due to her mental illness, but a terrible thing to do to someone anyway.  You say you're without hope, but there are people who would understand if you're a good enough person.  You will find true love, and not with a master manipulator.  I'm socially awkward too and that's probably how I ended up with my ex husband.  I'm sorry this happened to you. The layers of this disorder are unbelievable.

yes, I have to get used to it, most times I try and forget about it/repress it. But everytime I am feeling ok and thinking about starting to move on, the elephant in the room appears.

I am literally hanging on by a thread

[thousandyardstare]

My BPDex also contracted HSV but from my replacement.  Then said that she wouldn't sleep with me unless I didn't use a condom, because what did it matter we were going to be together forever.   I know you are feeling down. But the symptoms are manageable.  And the people that would judge you for it aren't necessarily the people you want to be in a relationship with because what does that say about them.

[tim_tom]

My BPDex also contracted HSV but from my replacement.  Then said that she wouldn't sleep with me unless I didn't use a condom, because what did it matter we were going to be together forever.   I know you are feeling down. But the symptoms are manageable.  And the people that would judge you for it aren't necessarily the people you want to be in a relationship with because what does that say about them.

You didn't do it did you?

The extra cruelty was her making me feel responsible.

[momtara]

Yes, that is cruel.  But it's a way for her to feel less guilty.

If you are hanging on by a thread maybe you should see a therapist if you can.

[fred6]

My BPDex also contracted HSV but from my replacement.  Then said that she wouldn't sleep with me unless I didn't use a condom, because what did it matter we were going to be together forever.   I know you are feeling down. But the symptoms are manageable.  And the people that would judge you for it aren't necessarily the people you want to be in a relationship with because what does that say about them.

Wow, this adds a whole new spin to my situation. With all that's gone on in the past couple months, I haven't even thought about STDs. Now you guys got me freaking out, . What are the symptoms? How much does and STD test cost? Now I have more things to worry about and feel stupid again.

[tim_tom]

Wow, this adds a whole new spin to my situation. With all that's gone on in the past couple months, I haven't even thought about STDs. Now you guys got me freaking out, . What are the symptoms? How much does and STD test cost? Now I have more things to worry about and feel stupid again.

They are not that expensive to get the full panel, I got mine at stdalert.com... It's just a blood test

[bunnysc]

We've all been there,its scary... .Just read and go ahead and get a blood test just don't panic mate you should be fine.

www.ashasexualhealth.org/

Tim Tom, its not that bad my friend you can get a great treatment for it go ahead and enjoy your life be strong and safe Keep it up! Have a great day!

[thousandyardstare]

My BPDex also contracted HSV but from my replacement.  Then said that she wouldn't sleep with me unless I didn't use a condom, because what did it matter we were going to be together forever.   I know you are feeling down. But the symptoms are manageable.  And the people that would judge you for it aren't necessarily the people you want to be in a relationship with because what does that say about them.

You didn't do it did you?

The extra cruelty was her making me feel responsible.

I did do it sadly.  Was still holding on to the fantasy at the time, I convinced myself that I had already gotten it based on the fact she only wanted unprotected sex.  I am sorry that she made you feel responsible but that's just the BPD talking she isn't capable of being culpable for the hurt she caused you.

[tim_tom]

Yes, that is cruel.  But it's a way for her to feel less guilty.

If you are hanging on by a thread maybe you should see a therapist if you can.

I am in therapy. I have ups and downs, feeling super depressed lately and like I can't go on living. (I have children so I'd never commit suicide, just can't cope right now)

And the ex is so cold, insensitive and blames me for everything. The only thing she did wrong was not leaving sooner, her exact words.  I've seen the apology notes posted here and I'd love to hear anything like that from her, even if it had ulterior motives. Anything that shows she cares, feel upset or bad about this whole thing, even a little. Anything.

The sad thing is that i spend a lot of time trying to fend off feelings that it was all my fault, and my T is just trying to make me feel better by pointing me at BPD. I don't understand why she's able to inject this stuff into my subconscious and it just sticks. She's so twisted me up that I don't even trust friends I've reconnected with, the same friends that she vanquished from my life, each for their own unique reasoning, but each discarded

Tells me she'll always love me though, and we've been through too much not to be friends.  lucky me

[momtara]

She was with a guy who really loved her (you) who probably did anything for her.  She's driving her away.  One side of her can't understand what the other side is doing.  The only way it makes sense is for her to accuse you of stuff.

[freedom33]

Tim_Tom - whether you receive an apology note from her or not does not depend on whether you were good enough or not but it depends if she has any insight in relation to how her actions impact others. Now if she did you 'd still be together as she wouldn't be disordered. If she is disordered, hence apologises without any insight then it is not genuine, it is deceitful with the only aim to take care of her needs and manipulate you.

You see? It's always a catch 22 when you are dealing with pwBPD and you can't win.

Actually in a funny way, when you are dealing with pwBPD, you only win when you lose (i.e. when you decide to stop playing the game and walk away). Another paradox... .Crazy isn't it?

[tim_tom]

Tim_Tom - whether you receive an apology note from her or not does not depend on whether you were good enough or not but it depends if she has any insight in relation to how her actions impact others. Now if she did you 'd still be together as she wouldn't be disordered. If she is disordered, hence apologises without any insight then it is not genuine, it is deceitful with the only aim to take care of her needs and manipulate you.

You see? It's always a catch 22 when you are dealing with pwBPD and you can't win.

Actually in a funny way, when you are dealing with pwBPD, you only win when you lose (i.e. when you decide to stop playing the game and walk away). Another paradox... .Crazy isn't it?

Awesome. Love this and so true.

The problem I am having is that injection of her issues runs so deep that I "feel" as though she is well adjusted and I am the one with issues. My conscience mind thinks otherwise, but the emotional me buys everything she's sold

[freedom33]

My conscience mind thinks otherwise, but the emotional me buys everything she's sold

Right from the 2nd date I could sense that there was one explicit reality that I could see with my eyes and explain logically and at the same time there was another parallel reality under what was seen, a bit like an undertow pulling me in a different direction. It's called projective identification. There's another thread I posted a couple of days on this topic. My conscious mind could not find something wrong with what was going on but my gut was screaming... .Such a tremendous pull in opposite directions can have this disorganising almost crucifying effect. Give it a few weeks. You will be ok. I am in week 5 NC now away from radioactivity and things are going well.