It's 2:00AM... When will this stop... ?

[JRav59]

I was in a relationship with a not diagnosed BPD partner for 3 years. When I started seeing her I was very vulnerable and going through a divorce. She had a partner she was living with but the relationship was going sour. Or at least that's what I thought it was.

Our relationship was a whirlwind of love and affection. We had so much in common! I knew she had a past list of drama (dad died when she was young, she was a very troubled teen, multiple abusive partners, tried to commit suicide, sex addict/ love addict, winner Hunh?) she told me about everything so calmly and her outlook on things and life was so positive, I just thought she wasa little broken sparrow who just needed a chance at real love.

We lived together for 2 years. During that time there were always threats of leaving (on her end) if she didn't get her way. She attacked me once when I had had it and told her it really was over. I saw a real psychopath that night. Every desperate attempt at manipulation. I thought, "maybe this is left over from past abusers?" To get her off me, I told her the only way we stood any chance was with couples counseling.

I lived on eggshells with for a year in counseling. Things were getting better. She finally had a job that was sustainable. I did everything I could to encourage it. She always told me her successes were from being with someone so stable.

She was offered a 2 year job in Singapore. In my gut, I knew it wasn't going to work. I knew her track record of not being able to see anything unless it was right in front of her. Regardless, I actually helped with the money  negotiations because I loved her and wanted what was best. She told me she wanted me there. That it was our adventure. I have up my cat, dog, apartment and a majority of my belongings. Only to find her saying "I don't want to be responsible for your happiness"

Her personality shifted. I visited her in SG. I stayed for a month (we knew I'd be going back). It was love and adoration. We cried at the airport when I left, etc. within a week she was withdrawn, angry again and not respecting me. I realized quickly that this was toxic and I needed to get out. I felt so worthless and she was getting really hurtful.

I found out she's been seeing someone after lying about it to me. Her life seems adventurous, exciting, with a gorgeous new girlfriend on her arm. Her sister told me she said, "I know I should be sad but everything is just so perfect for me these days!"

I'm here in the states. It's 2:00am. I'm writing this message. No partner, no pets. Truly picking up the pieces.  Has anyone else ever endured someone so callus? wondered why they were so used up by someone with little to no remorse? Does this come back to them someday? It's the one thing that keeps me holding on. I so want her out of my thoughts. She doesn't deserve any of my mental space. I seriously wake up angry. Like right now... .Lol

[tim_tom]

I am sorry to here how bad you are hurting, I am feeling it too and wouldn't wish it on anyone... well besides my ex

  Has anyone else ever endured someone so callus?

Yes, everybody on this board

wondered why they were so used up by someone with little to no remorse?

Yes, most people on this board

Does this come back to them someday?

I sincerely hope so, wish for it everyday in fact! Karmic retribution would be delicious

It's the one thing that keeps me holding on. I so want her out of my thoughts. She doesn't deserve any of my mental space. I seriously wake up angry. Like right now... .Lol

I think the best comfort you can be offered now is knowing you are not alone. I am struggling with these very same questions at the moment, plus a ton more! Finding strength in numbers and realizing that most of the people on this board will be able to relate to many of the things you experienced and are feeling is helpful. While all BPD's are unique in the specifics, the patterns that emerge in all of them are eerily similar.

[irishmarmot]

The good news is that she will be out of your thoughts!  Unfortunately that only happens when you detach and that takes time.  It is a painful process because BPD's get into your psych like no other and it is hard to detach from it.  At least that is true for me.  But I have learned some things about myself in the process and that has put me on the road to happiness and contentment.   You will be ok and keep posting here as much as wish.  Get angry, cry, feel the sadness because we are all going through it.  Take the advice that you feel will work for you.  Yoy are among friends.

[PhoenixBlack]

Does this come back to them someday? It's the one thing that keeps me holding on. I so want her out of my thoughts. She doesn't deserve any of my mental space. I seriously wake up angry. Like right now... .Lol

Hi JRav,

Sorry you are going through this. It will get better with time. Hang in there.  And in answer to your question. Yes, it comes back to them every day. It's always there. It's part of them already. Don't believe all that about her being happy. Happy for them just means that their current needs are being met. But truly happy? Nope.

For now, focus on you. Take some time to heal. When will it stop? There's no easy answer to that. It'll stop when you're ready I guess. This timeframe will be different for each and every one of us.

This links to a post that I keep going back to. I found some of the insights helpful.

www.reddit.com/r/BPD/comments/260t20/what_is_it_like_having_a_relationship_with/

[JRav59]

Thank you everyone for the responses. I keep telling myself this girl is sick. She really doesn't think she has a problem. She has so many people snowed. She has seduced prior therapists into thinking nothing is wrong with her. She actually became friends with one of her therapists to get side art jobs. Her family knows she's ill. I e see them walk on eggshells around her. Apparently they have just come to accept it. My friends have told me their skin crawls at the mention of her.  My mother told me I can't hang onto this anger. Which I completely agree. I was doing so well under NC and just not knowing. She texted me that she will always love me, etc. recently which I realize now was just manipulation. It has sent me into a spiral. I am so annoyed. How can someone be so evil and self serving?

[purpleavocado]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Believe me when I say it gets so much better over time. I'm a year and a half out and still in therapy/processing my 4 year relationship, mostly why I accepted it as it was for so long when I was anxious and unhappy for the majority of it. I uprooted my life for her and when it didn't work out I literally couldn't see how life would go on. But it did and it took some time but I see now how much better off I am without her. You will too, I promise. Hugs and good vibes to you... .

[JRav59]

Thank you! I really hope so. I have been seeing the same therapist that we went to couples counseling with. When it ended, I knew there was something not right about our relationship and that this break up was going to require a lot of self exploration to heal. My therapist hasn't said she thinks she has BPD. When I was telling her how the relationship was making me feel she told me she was really concerned. She definitely told me to run and how to facilitate it stressing NC. Also, that the relationship was completely toxic and she would help me with letting go.

I did my own research about BPD by accident. Her sister stressed that my ex needs serious help, but my ex doesn't think she needs it. (Her sister too has been in therapy to learn how to deal with her sister and her manipulation)  After reading several books on BPD as well as numerous articles, I ended up here. Just now being validated by reading these stories that this wasn't completely my fault like I somehow believed.  It is soothing to know that no one is going to save her unless she comes to grips with things and gets real help.