mother back in his life- custody question

[lifechanger]

My UBPD XGF of 12 years and I have a S5.  We ended our relationship in 2012.  She has had NC with S for about 2 ½ years, even though we lived less than mile apart.  I kept track of the days she saw him, in 2013 it was a total of 23 days and in 2014 it was a total of 4 days.  Prior to 2013 she had to recent episodes of suicide, no action but she was admitted both times with me beside her.  In 2012 she spent close to 2 months inpatient at the local hospital.  

Starting in August of this year she has started coming back into S life.  Of course S wants his M.  The first few months of NC he wanted to see his M but after that he adjusted quite well.  While carefully observing him for the last 2 ½ years for signs of depression, confusion, anxiety etc. I and many others saw nothing.  Everyone saw an incredibly happy child.  

My problem, because of the financial situation (daycare, insurance) that XGF put me in I didn’t have financial means to file for primary custody.  Know she’s BACK.  It blows me away that she thinks she can come back like nothing happened.  Because nothing was done legally, I believe she cannot be denied seeing him.  My questions is, does anyone have any suggestions of where to begin to talk to someone legally when you don’t have the financial means?  People probably think I do since I have a high profile job but because of the debt (she incurred) I don’t.  The financial means may be changing for the better in the next 6 months.  So do I just wait?

I also have heard to many horror stories regarding custody, especially for dads.  I have done everything during the critical years of a young child.  I have always had an appreciation for the single mothers but I have it even more now.  Any success stories from dads who have made the commitment?  I may not have the time to check these boards often but I appreciatte the support and suggestions.  

[catnap]

My son has had sole custody of his daughter since she was 7 months old.  Mother had supervised visitation but never used it.  He filed to sever her parental rights when his D was 3 and it was granted due to the fact mother didn't pay court order CS and had not had any contact with the child in over a year.

Very fortunate that you have an accurate count of the contact the mother had with the child in a a 2 1/2 year period. 

Some questions: 

Do you know if she has been in therapy on a regular basis? 

Did she give a reason for coming back into the child's life?

Did she pay any form of child support?

How often dos she want to see him now and does it include overnights?

Any idea if she has a new bf that she might be trying to show herself as being a good mother? 

Some attorneys do a free or low cost first consultation.  Get a list of pertinent questions you can ask to get a clearer understanding of how custody works where you live.  You need an attorney that has experience with high-conflict people. 

Book recommendation: Spiltting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger.  The book covers custody issues as well as divorce.

[Thunderstruck]

There are a lot of online resources. And I think you can go to the courthouse (or check the court's website) and they will have documents on how to go through the process pro se.

One of the sites I like that is geared towards men is www.deltabravo.net/

I think now is a good time to go through the process. It is easiest if you can get her to agree to an arrangement. It will not be favorable if she starts asking for more and more time and you start denying it.

From what I understand, the courts like to keep things pretty much the same for the children. Since you have been the primary caretaker, your ex would have to have a very strong case in order to get that overturned.

Mental illness and suicide attempt won't necessarily be a factor in reducing her parenting time (some people can cope with their illness or take meds and therapy and be a great parent). It's about how the mental illness affects the child. Was S5 in the house for her attempts? That could be a big factor.

[ForeverDad]

When I had the first session with our Custody Evaluator, he told me half the equation was which parent had the majority of parenting time, the other half was about the parents and their parenting.  Since my ex was a non-working possessive mother that made it an uphill struggle.

Guess what, the CE did note the poor behaviors and poor parenting of my ex and his initial report was "Mother can't share 'her' child but Father can.  Mother should immediately lose her temporary custody.  If Shared Parenting is tried and fails then Father should have custody."

Your case has the genders reversed and you, the parent with majority parenting, are reasonably normal.  It may be that you'll need to allow her some time with him, but I don't see her snatching majority time from you.  Courts are generally very reluctant to make drastic changes to parenting.  In my case, I was the father so my ex got temporary custody and majority time in 30 minutes, it took me the father 8 years of baby steps for better orders, equal time in shared parenting, then legal custody, then finally majority time.  It was clear from the start my ex had significant issues but court made fixes gradually with 2-3 years between each improvement.

Her extended stays hospitalized for mental health issues are significant, a history being suicidal is a serious parenting consideration.  It may not block her parenting, visits may have to be conditional upon her stability which could vary from day to day and year to year.  If she's okay one day in court, that's no guarantee she will forever be okay.  However, court can say, then come back if she becomes unstable, until then we'll allow contact.

[lifechanger]

Catnap thank you, I have often asked myself if wanting my son with me was out of anger, control or emotion towards his mother.  I strongly believe it is what is in his best interest of him.  Of course that is my opinion. 

I don’t know if she has been in regular therapy.  I believe so but I’m not sure.  In June of this year she communicated to me that she was in a bad space and that she was looking to admit herself.  To my knowledge she didn’t.  In May she communicated to me and my friends that she was looking to move out of state.

No reason has been given for coming back to his life.  I’ve asked, but not been given any answer.  I’ve given up trying to figure how she thinks.  I believe she truly believes the reason she didn’t see our son was because I kept him from her.  This has never been the case, except within the last couple of weeks, when she wanted him while he was sick.  She was not scheduled to see him.  I mentioned to her that he was comfortable here and that she could wait.  She threatened to bring the police over to get him.

She has provided no financial support, no Christmas or birthday gifts.  She does have a good paying job.  I did not ask for help either.

She most recently had him for a whole week overnight.  Before she picked him up for the week I talked to her and could tell she was emotional upset.  When I asked her what was wrong she said “not your problem”   I felt incredible nervous because of her stability but also believed I didn’t have any option to keep him with me.  She hasn’t communicated how often she wants him.  She usually calls and says she would like him next week on these days. 

She has had 2 bf.  The first was within a few weeks of getting out of the hospital and our breakup.  The second has been going on for about 6 months.  I believe they may be living together but I’m not sure.  When I asked my son if he was nice, he said “sometimes he is, sometimes he isn’t” That’s not like him.  He loves everybody. 

Thanks for the book recommendations.  The support and education is very helpful.  My objective is not to take him away from her but to protect him.   Very concerned about the courts.  I just don’t want him to pay the price since I’m not sure when I will be able to take the necessary legal action.  Did I lose my opportunity?

[lifechanger]

Thunderstruck thanks I will look at the website.  Having him spend more time with her scares me for so many reasons, one being what you mentioned.  I’m sure the courts would look at the time she is spending with him now.  If she was stable, I would love the fact that he could spend time with her.  It might give me some kind of personal life; I just don’t believe she is capable.  I’m sure I make a lot of mistakes as a parent but I’m consistent and stable. 

She doesn’t know who his doctors or dentist are and only picked him up at daycare a couple of times.   I’m up for a major promotion within the next few months that would help my financial picture.  I’m just concerned about waiting that long.  I’m also aware that this may be just a fad with her for the moment.  Like Catnap was mentioning maybe she is trying to impress a new bf or is being convinced by someone.  She sent me a text in June that she would like to see our son more but she can’t even take care of herself. 

[lifechanger]

ForeverDad – thanks I would hope the courts would review who has been the involved in the parenting.  I also hope that if there was an evaluation of both parents, someone would see the difference.  As I mentioned to thunderstruck, I’m not perfect but I’m consistent and stable.  I’m learning a lot.

I also didn’t mention that she has D 21 and S 16 from a previous marriage.  I was the stable one in their lives, I still am.  In fact I probably would have left the relationship earlier if wasn’t for them.  S 16 doesn’t live with her.  According to him, she rarely talks to him.  Both kids have issues that were never dealt with.  D dropped out of school, been in an out of therapy, had 2 kids by different fathers.  The first being in jail Their mother very rarely spent any quality time with them and didn’t know how to emotional connect.  She would either have no emotion or hide her emotion. 

Your comment regarding stability is right on.  During our relationship her stability could change from hour to hour.  She would be incredibly angry at me and within a few hours I’m the love of her life.  Incredible confusing. 

[david]

If you have that text from June don't loose it. Print it out and also save it. Document everything you can. Prepare yourself just in case. Maybe she will disappear again but you don't know so being prepared is the best course of action.

If she really does want to be back in sons life than have a plan for that too. What do you think would be best for son now and in the future. A gradual approach is probably best.

If you go to court make sure your plan has some inclusion of mother. Supervised visitation and a requirement that she get treatment. You must have consequences if she chooses to disregard the treatment option. Find a way for that to be included. That would protect the child. Instability is not good for children.

It's a lot to process but you need a plan.

[catnap]

I just don’t want him to pay the price since I’m not sure when I will be able to take the necessary legal action.  Did I lose my opportunity?

I do not think you lost your opportunity at all.  With all the evidence you have, she is apparently very detached from him and seemingly no interest/ability to want to be an active participant in raising S5. Keep documenting.  This may be a whim on her part or possibly she is doing it to appear in a better light. 

You have a sustained record of being the parent that offered a loving and stable home.  As I said before, do a little research on how custody works where you live, Google "high-conflict" attorneys that only do family law to see if any offer an initial free consultation.  This doesn't mean that you have to retain them right away but you are just fact gathering and planning a strategy.

[livednlearned]

Hi lifechanger,

A lot of dads don't do so great with custody, but your ex sounds particularly low functioning and isn't actively seeking custody or time with your son. And custody is actually a bunch of different things. It's physical custody, legal custody, and visitation. Plus some variations. You could very easily end up with primary physical and sole legal custody, but the court might allow visitation, or supervised visitation, or put together some kind of therapeutic visitation plan where she progressively gets more time with him.

Often with court, judges look at the status quo for the child, where he spent majority time, who has provided consistent support. That's going to be you.

Others can chime in here, but I think if she tries to pick up your son again and you feel nervous about her stability, you aren't obligated to hand him over. There is no order in place, so therefore you can't be held in contempt of court (and even then, contempt of court motions tend to be treated like parking tickets in family court).

In my state, even if there was a civil order (the name for a custody order, as opposed to a criminal order), police don't do much to  enforce it. Since you don't even have a civil order, there isn't much they would do, if anything. If she is the type to make false allegations, they might send someone out to do a well-child check or get Child Protective Services involved.

One thing to mindful of is that you have to be consistent in your protectiveness of your son. If you are concerned about her stability AND you're thinking about getting custody, then be consistent so you can make a compelling case to the judge. If you claim she is not stable enough to take care of your son, then send your son over there, court is going to cast a wary on you for having bad judgment. It's not fair, but it seems to be the way court deals with our cases.

And ditto to catnap's advice to get a legal consultation. Get a bunch if you can. I went to mine with a list of two dozen questions and asked them how things worked. I wish I had read Splitting before I did that, or at least had found this site. You can start a thread here and ask people to help you think of questions. If you have a good friend or family member who will go with you, that will help -- someone who can take notes and help you think through what was said. For some reason, dealing with lawyers and custody turned my brain into a sieve and I found it hard to hold onto details.

You can also post a question for free on avvo.com and see if you can get basic answers to some of the big questions. I haven't used it but others here offer it up as a potential source of information.

Don't get discouraged about the dad-custody thing. Some of the bias is that dads don't ask for full custody. While there is definitely a bias, there is also a self-defeating feedback loop where some dads don't even ask for what they know is best because they figure they won't ever get it.

As sad as the larger circumstance is (your little guy not having an emotionally healthy mama, you being a single parent, your step boys having issues), you have a lot going for you in terms of custody.

Hang in there. I hope you find someone who will work with you. My L gives me discounts. There are scrupulous, decent lawyers out there (although not exactly abundant).