I Was Forced To Break NC

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

After 77 days of NC, and not having seen her in over three months, and having been separated for nearly four months, I was forced to break NC: her attorney was deposing me and she has to be there, all dressed up like she had a party to go to afterwards. I made it through the deposition on Monday evening and got home and totally broke down. Stayed in bed most of Tuesday. Saw P and T on Wednesdy and they said it was normal.

Mediation is next Tuesday and I may have to see her again, for a long time. I worked on legal junk most of the day today just to get it all out of the way. I'm actually scared to have to see her again and pleaded with my attorney to keep us apart in separate rooms. I just can't take the pain of a 28 year marriage crumbling. I mean I'm crying all the time. It's just killing me. Besides ruining me financially (the attorneys are going to get all the money we have) and physically ( I've gone from 185 lbs to like 160 lbs), my mind is numb from the anti- depressants, the anti-anxiety pilla, the sleeping pills, all just to make it through the day.

I just don't know how I'm going to make it. Without this board and a few other people in my life I think I'd just end it all. But then she wins and I'm confirming I'm a loser. I can't do it. I have to make it through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. I'm just struggling so much. So I reach out to her by text... .her response... .nothing. Pretty much what I expected. I never in a million years would have thought this would happen to me. I'm just devastated. I'm so afraid, I just need someone to tell me I going to make it and not go insane.

[Hopeless777]

After 77 days of NC, and not having seen her in over three months, and having been separated for nearly four months, I was forced to break NC: her attorney was deposing me and she has to be there, all dressed up like she had a party to go to afterwards. I made it through the deposition on Monday evening and got home and totally broke down. Stayed in bed most of Tuesday. Saw P and T on Wednesdy and they said it was normal.

Mediation is next Tuesday and I may have to see her again, for a long time. I worked on legal junk most of the day today just to get it all out of the way. I'm actually scared to have to see her again and pleaded with my attorney to keep us apart in separate rooms. I just can't take the pain of a 28 year marriage crumbling. I mean I'm crying all the time. It's just killing me. Besides ruining me financially (the attorneys are going to get all the money we have) and physically ( I've gone from 185 lbs to like 160 lbs), my mind is numb from the anti- depressants, the anti-anxiety pilla, the sleeping pills, all just to make it through the day.

I just don't know how I'm going to make it. Without this board and a few other people in my life I think I'd just end it all. But then she wins and I'm confirming I'm a loser. I can't do it. I have to make it through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. I'm just struggling so much. So I reach out to her by text... .her response... .nothing. Pretty much what I expected. I never in a million years would have thought this would happen to me. I'm just devastated. I'm so afraid, I just need someone to tell me I going to make it and not go insane.

[Blimblam]

Ugh I'm so sorry man.

Eventually this will pass

And one day you will look back as a very painfull life lesson. For now you have to live it. You will get through this.

[Emelie Emelie]

You are not going insane and you are going to make it through. You're going through an intensely painful time. Of course you're devastated. But you are going to make it through. One day at a time.

[Rise]

I know it's hard right now. But you are going to make it. I promise it won't always be this bad. I know it may seem like it will never end, but you are still right in the middle of it. I know how cliche it is, but time is the great healer. You can make it through this, and even if you can't see it right now, I promise there is light at the other end. It's going to be okay.

[Rifka]

Hopeless,

I am so sorry that you are feeling so badly.

There are many people here who care so much and have gone through similar events.

Please keep posting your feelings and thought.

Take one moment at a time, things will get better. I'm sure this is very difficult, just know your BPD family cares about you and your pain. We are here to talk and vent and cry with.

Hugs to you today to pull you through this time.

Rifka

[Hopeless777]

So now we're texting a bit, mostly me (how pathetic) and a few responses from her:

"you will always be my endless love"

"There is always hope"

":)o what's right"

"You know what's to do... .the right thing in the sight of GOD"

What does this all mean? I'm so confused and distraught. I sometimes feel like I can't go on.

[Tibbles]

Hi Hopeless

You are going to make it. This truly horrible time will pass. You are not alone, there are so many of us here that care and many have gone through similar times. You can do this, you have to do this so you can get past it all. One day at a time.

Sending hugs your way Hopeless.

[Hopeless777]

It all just makes no sense. I've read all the books and it still makes no sense. And I've allowed my BPDw now to control my mind even though she's no longer here. I have to get past this or die for sure.

[Rifka]

It all just makes no sense. I've read all the books and it still makes no sense. And I've allowed my BPDw now to control my mind even though she's no longer here. I have to get past this or die for sure.

Hope,

Believe me when I tell you that I too thought for sure that I would die from all of the pain and confusion I was going through. I thought a heart attack or a aneurism from so much stress! We really know pain being with our exes!

I understand you are confused, but one day something you read or think or hear is just going to click and give you that aha moment.

It really does happen and it will.

It is not suppose to make sense, so try not to think something is wrong with you because it makes no sense. Your mind is trying to process the thought thinking of a mentally ill person, but you are trying to see it through healthy eyes.

You can do this one step at a time.

Back up and think about if answering her messages is going to help you or confuse you further.

It is okay not to answer messages that will not benefit you in a healthy way. If that what you choose.

You were doing great and you can start again n/c. You know how powerful it is for us to stop it and have the upper hand.

Have a good day!

Rifka

[Tibbles]

Hi Hopeless

I'm thinking tomorrow is another day in court for you so I just wanted to wish you good luck and to let you know others are thinking of you. Hope you are feeling a bit stronger. Let us know how it goes.

[Hopeless777]

Hi Hopeless

I'm thinking tomorrow is another day in court for you so I just wanted to wish you good luck and to let you know others are thinking of you. Hope you are feeling a bit stronger. Let us know how it goes.

Thanks so much. Mediation is actually Tuesday morning at my attorneys offices. I don't have to see her. First topic has been changed to reconciliation. I have low expectations regardless of her professions of love. I'll let everyone here know how it goes by Wednesday, assuming I make it. Last week after the deposition was psychological hell.

[Rifka]

Hi Hopeless

I'm thinking tomorrow is another day in court for you so I just wanted to wish you good luck and to let you know others are thinking of you. Hope you are feeling a bit stronger. Let us know how it goes.

Thanks so much. Mediation is actually Tuesday morning at my attorneys offices. I don't have to see her. First topic has been changed to reconciliation. I have low expectations regardless of her professions of love. I'll let everyone here know how it goes by Wednesday, assuming I make it. Last week after the deposition was psychological hell.

Hopeless,

Did I read this right that you are considering being recycled?

Did she just end a replacement?

Is she looking to get something more from the divorce?

What do you believe might be her agenda?

How will you feel in a month or so to start from day one again from being emotionally thrown to the curb?

Are you going to be able to get back up again?

You are in a very vulnerable state right now and she knows it. She can basically get anything from you that she wants by pulling on your heart strings.

Think this out clearly before proceeding! You are well informed and just went three months n/c. You know what this disorder does to to kind souls! It chews them up and spits them out!

Please think a lot before getting in the web again and getting stuck there.

If this is your conscious decision thinking clearly, then it is what it is.

Just know that you can't do the same something over and over without expecting the same results.

They are great manipulators of our emotions for one reason, to get something they want. It's not about us in this case, it's about them winning!

Just my opinion!

I wish you peace and luck for things to go smoothly!

Hugs to you!

Rifka

[Dutched]

I feel and recognize your situation with facing her during mediation Hopeless777.

I also really hoped and tried for a reconciliation even wanted it. However as exw left the house, any attempt will be much and much harder, as a BPD sees it as you being the persecutor.

So at the mediator the topic of a reconciliation was on the agenda. Both parties were questioned, investigated, and outcome summarised. His (mediator) conclusion was to reconcile… (temporally living apart, intensive talking maybe therapy –again- ). Exw however couldn’t “process” that emotional heaviness in her brain (I was the evil one and she wasn’t at home anymore, so her dissociative thoughts could fully grow).

Please for your own wellbeing get yourself together! You are vulnerable, but MUST do all to split emotions (love, hate) from business my friend! Do not let yourself see towards her and that mediator as a weak and pitiful person. Your wife will take advantage of that, as she will be emotional full in control (I even didn’t recognize exw as she had her professional negotiation mask on!).

Please try!

   

[Hopeless777]

I feel and recognize your situation with facing her during mediation Hopeless777.

I also really hoped and tried for a reconciliation even wanted it. However as exw left the house, any attempt will be much and much harder, as a BPD sees it as you being the persecutor.

So at the mediator the topic of a reconciliation was on the agenda. Both parties were questioned, investigated, and outcome summarised. His (mediator) conclusion was to reconcile… (temporally living apart, intensive talking maybe therapy –again- ). Exw however couldn’t “process” that emotional heaviness in her brain (I was the evil one and she wasn’t at home anymore, so her dissociative thoughts could fully grow).

Please for your own wellbeing get yourself together! You are vulnerable, but MUST do all to split emotions (love, hate) from business my friend! Do not let yourself see towards her and that mediator as a weak and pitiful person. Your wife will take advantage of that, as she will be emotional full in control (I even didn’t recognize exw as she had her professional negotiation mask on!).

Please try!

   

Yes Dutched... .I'm now there and I'm ready for tomorrow. I have my list of requirements for reconciliation. I have my list of requirements for mediation. I give reconciliation maybe a 10% chance; successful mediation a 20% chance; courts ultimately the likely path at 70%.  The only real issue is spousal support and ill be darned if I pay her for the rest of my life for ruining my future so she doesn't have to work. Too bad. No spite involved. Very conciliatory on the reconciliation. Slightly conciliatory on the mediation. Balls to the wall in court. The worst I lose is money but keep my self-respect. More after tomorrow is over. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

[Hopeless777]

I feel and recognize your situation with facing her during mediation Hopeless777.

I also really hoped and tried for a reconciliation even wanted it. However as exw left the house, any attempt will be much and much harder, as a BPD sees it as you being the persecutor.

So at the mediator the topic of a reconciliation was on the agenda. Both parties were questioned, investigated, and outcome summarised. His (mediator) conclusion was to reconcile… (temporally living apart, intensive talking maybe therapy –again- ). Exw however couldn’t “process” that emotional heaviness in her brain (I was the evil one and she wasn’t at home anymore, so her dissociative thoughts could fully grow).

Please for your own wellbeing get yourself together! You are vulnerable, but MUST do all to split emotions (love, hate) from business my friend! Do not let yourself see towards her and that mediator as a weak and pitiful person. Your wife will take advantage of that, as she will be emotional full in control (I even didn’t recognize exw as she had her professional negotiation mask on!).

Please try!

   

Yes Dutched... .I'm now there and I'm ready for tomorrow. I have my list of requirements for reconciliation. I have my list of requirements for mediation. I give reconciliation maybe a 10% chance; successful mediation a 20% chance; courts ultimately the likely path at 70%.  The only real issue is spousal support and ill be darned if I pay her for the rest of my life for ruining my future so she doesn't have to work. Too bad. No spite involved. Very conciliatory on the reconciliation. Slightly conciliatory on the mediation. Balls to the wall in court. The worst I lose is money but keep my self-respect. More after tomorrow is over. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

So I'm back and survived the worst day of my life. The 8 hours of "mediation" were just a roller coaster. The "Mediation" marathon was turned into a legally unfinished "Reconciliation" marathon. Main topics were financial and therapy, individual and couples. Attorneys and mediator even agreed on the proper therapist we were to go to. Draft agreement goes out from my attorney tomorrow. Basically it's a legal stand still agreement for six months terminable by either party at any time. There's some favorable financial provisions for me in it so if she signs it will be a major accomplishment. Of course, by now I don't much care. I just want to get on with reconciliation or be done with it all.

Of course, neither will happen in any event. If we sign, then there's tons of therapy with no guarantees and anyone can quit at any time. If we don't sign, then we're right back in the same place before "Mediation." So this is all like a last ditch effort that we both wanted. I'm really sad because my attorney asked if I'd like to see her for a bit at the end and of course I wanted to, but her attorney refused.

So here I sit waiting and waiting as the days go by to see what happens. Because of tax issues there is a 10/15/14 deadline. I guess final details will be worked out over the next week. I really hope for a reconciliation, but we've tried so many times it just never works. But I never give up some glimmer of hope (despite my screen name). I'm afraid to even get my hopes up that she signs anything because of the psychological damage already done, the breach of trust, etc. it's just that after 28 years I find it still impossible to detach, especially being in the maelstrom of divorce proceedings. In the end it won't really matter though because I'll be financially broke either way. So we either come to reconciliation based on a mutual desire to be with each other for us, not money... .because there won't be any.

So did I break NC? Yea, guess so. Will this work out so I have one of the never seen success stories? God I pray so. I'd love to tell you all there is hope after all inside the relationship, not in another relationship. Is she BPD... .absolutely. Can we find a way to reconcile? I'm investing my entire financial net worth on it and what I've built up over 28 years or marriage, never mind my psyche. Win or lose, I'll know I gave it all I had... .it's in God' hands now. In my head and heart I know I'm doing the right thing. So I'll have no regrets whatever the outcome.

[Tibbles]

You must be exhausted from all the Hopeless. At least when you look back you can say you gave it your all. I so hope for a positive outcome for you. When dealing with her, remember all that you have learnt. Set your boundaries that you won't move on and don't move. Your health and well being will depend on it. Good luck!

[Rise]

it's just that after 28 years I find it still impossible to detach, especially being in the maelstrom of divorce proceedings.

You know what Hopeless? You're 28 years into this. I'd be way more worried if you could detach this quickly, particularly considering what you're dealing with right now. Our emotions and feelings aren't something that we can just flip on and off when we feel like it. This isn't a fault with you. It just means that you are human. There's nothing wrong with that (case in point, some of my best friends are human).

Win or lose, I'll know I gave it all I had... .it's in God' hands now.

God will have his role to play in all of this, but don't forget things are in your hands as well. You can't control all the circumstances of your relationship. You can't control what your wife chooses to do. But you have complete control over your own choices. I truly believe that even when things are at there worst, and no matter how much it may feel to the contrary, not a single one of us is ever powerless unless we choose to be. There is a strength and power in all of us that we may not always see, but it is always there.

It sounds to me like you're feeling beat. And I totally get that. What you're going through must be absolutely exhausting. I'd wager though that you're a lot stronger than you feel right now. This may just be doe-eyed optimism, but whenever I read that someone is in a relationship even half as long as yours, it really does make me think how much strength that takes. A lot of us have crumbled under less. You've survived for almost 3 decades in a situation where most people couldn't. Be proud of that. Don't lose sight of it. No matter what happens, you are strong enough to make it through.

I truly do wish the best for you Hopeless, and I hope with all my heart that no matter how things work out you can find your own path to happiness.

[Hopeless777]

Thanks so much to every person who has taken the time to reply to me. Yes, I'm totally exhausted and wiped out. Probably another week or so before any agreement gets finalized. I've set a drop dead date of 10-15-14, or I'm officially done. If she comes through on her end, then there's hope. If not, we'll then there's the courts and more money to attorneys. I expect to survive and come out on the other side quite changed, maybe for the better. You've all been a source of inspiration and encouragement to me. Thank you all so much.