Not in a good place and looking at spending all day with BPDmom

[Our abuse recovery guide]

For the first time in 9 months, my mother and I planned to spend a day together... .of course, she threw in all sorts of things that make it incredibly chaotic.  She called me at work today... .vomited all the chaos she'd just experienced, telling me so patronizingly that because I don't have children, i have no idea what it's like and that she is at the mercy of my sister's small children, and that we are their slaves and she is trying to pull me into this.   I got really upset, because she was trying to dictate all the terms of the day hiding behind what the children needed in order to get her way, and if I say anything, I know nothing and we have to be slaves to the children (we are spending the day with just one - the three year old).   I got so upset... .I was at work, it was so embarrassing... .  It triggered so much anger and hurt, all I wanted to do was tell her off, tell her that she has no idea who I am, what I do, doesn't even ask me anything about what i do... .it's ALLL about her, and now my sister's (young) children.   I don't know if I'll be able to make it through the next 24 hours with her... .help me! All I want to do is tell her off, tell her everything that is on my mind... .how the choas she complains about is entirely of her making, that she never takes responsability for anything, that the children are acting chaotic around her because of HER! that she cannot relate to me, only lecture me... .that she has no spine when it comes to putting limits... .  I'm also feeling down because I recently recycled my BPDex... .of course we're back to where we were before the recycle... .he with his ex, and me sitting and dealing with all this CRAPPPPP! 

Help... .what do I do? I don't feel like I've got the strength to do this. I've been so angry recently... .I can't contain it.

[caughtnreleased]

For the first time in 9 months, my mother and I planned to spend a day together... .of course, she threw in all sorts of things that make it incredibly chaotic.  She called me at work today... .vomited all the chaos she'd just experienced, telling me so patronizingly that because I don't have children, i have no idea what it's like and that she is at the mercy of my sister's small children, and that we are their slaves and she is trying to pull me into this.   I got really upset, because she was trying to dictate all the terms of the day hiding behind what the children needed in order to get her way, and if I say anything, I know nothing and we have to be slaves to the children (we are spending the day with just one - the three year old).   I got so upset... .I was at work, it was so embarrassing... .  It triggered so much anger and hurt, all I wanted to do was tell her off, tell her that she has no idea who I am, what I do, doesn't even ask me anything about what i do... .it's ALLL about her, and now my sister's (young) children.   I don't know if I'll be able to make it through the next 24 hours with her... .help me! All I want to do is tell her off, tell her everything that is on my mind... .how the choas she complains about is entirely of her making, that she never takes responsability for anything, that the children are acting chaotic around her because of HER! that she cannot relate to me, only lecture me... .that she has no spine when it comes to putting limits... .  I'm also feeling down because I recently recycled my BPDex... .of course we're back to where we were before the recycle... .he with his ex, and me sitting and dealing with all this CRAPPPPP! 

Help... .what do I do? I don't feel like I've got the strength to do this. I've been so angry recently... .I can't contain it.

[gentlestguardian]

Caughtnreleased -- Reading your post, I sort of felt like I was on a highway recklessly driving way over the speed limit without the ability to slow down my own car. I could think of only one thing the entire read through, which was, Slam on the brakes!

Is there any possibility that instead of making this weekend about your mother or your BPDex, you tell both of them you're unavailable and spend time with yourself doing something that would make you feel less stressed out? I really feel for you in this state of panic. It's a terrible mental space to be in. I hope you're able to lift the FOG a bit and find some sunshine  .

[caughtnreleased]

Hi, gentlestguardian,

Thanks for your message. You,re right, I need to breathe and understand that this is their rythm... .but I'm getting completely sucked into it.

I keep trying to suggest to my mom that we scratch our plans to spend the day together... .but all SHE wants is to have ME spend the day with her and my sisters KIDS.  It's like because I don't have kids, she somehow wants me to spend time with my SISTERS kids... .which I already do on my own time... .but it's what she wants.    I've already managed to put down boundaries, so we're only spending tomorrow together with just the older of the two kids.   I have already agreed to put my mother up for the night tomorrow, so I feel like I'm going to have to go through with this. Obviously, you're right, if I can't take it I can put an end to it all.

The exBPD is kind of out of the picture and non responsive, so I don't think I'll have to deal with him... .only once he's done recylcing his ex... .

I need to process this anger though... .it's taking too much space in my life... .I don't really know what to do.  And it keeps rearing it,s ugly head in a lot of situations.

[jmanvo2015]

I'm very sorry to read in this post the pain, anger and frustration that your BPDm is causing you.  I can relate as I had a similar experience with my uBPD mom yesterday who sent me an email full of shame, blame and guilt.  I am living with her and my NPD stepfather right now and sometimes I really feel trapped.  Last night, I was actually afraid and depressed to go home.  I've been spending as much time as I can outside of their house - going to coffee shops and the library and to 12 step meetings.  While I have what one might say is a successful career and even work with celebrities and am a published writer, I've been having money problems recently because I'd lost two major clients unexpectedly at the same time.  So, my uBPDm has been giving me money and her resentment about it is palpable.

I am not stealing your thread in expressing these things, but I find that rather than give outright advice, which not being a therapist I'm not qualified to do, it's often easier for me to relay something I'm going through that is similar and how I'm coping.  So, right now, like you, I'm filled with a lot of anger towards my uBPDm. 

Last night, I literally drove around in my car for about an hour - just driving in a big circle around the outskirts of the development where they live - screaming, crying, yelling, questioning God, crying more, screaming more, pounding the dashboard and feeling very sorry for myself about having such bad parents.

Then, I pooped myself out, my sanity returned and I forced myself to focus on what's good about them.  As silly as it sounds, they are super clean people that have a very nice home.  It's kind of like being in a hotel where the cleaning staff criticize everything you do   

Another thing that has been helping with my anger is attending a meeting for Adult Children of Alcoholics.  I went for the first time last week because both my stepfather and biological father are addicts.  It was a very pleasant surprise to learn that about 50 percent of the room knew about BPD and nodded in agreement when I told stories about my mom.  I then learned that ACOA is also for "children of dysfunction," so BPD qualifies me.

I have a lot of "friends" and professional colleagues, but there is nobody that I can talk to about my mom's BPD because people hero-worship mothers in our society and if you say anything bad about yours, they blame you!  So, I have recently found a new T that has experience with BPD and am finding that I can finally share my experiences with the ACOA people and they genuinely care, relate and understand.

I hope that you can also find resources and people that will help you get through all of this frustration and the unfairness that your BPD mom is causing for you.  I know that there's nothing as frustrating, depressing or unnerving as our BPD mother's behaviors.  Please hang in there and just try really hard to take good care of yourself.  As silly as it sounds, maybe if money allows you could take yourself for a massage, a yoga or meditation class, or something that brings the focus back on you and off of your crazy mother 

[caughtnreleased]

I have a lot of "friends" and professional colleagues, but there is nobody that I can talk to about my mom's BPD because people hero-worship mothers in our society and if you say anything bad about yours, they blame you!  So, I have recently found a new T that has experience with BPD and am finding that I can finally share my experiences with the ACOA people and they genuinely care, relate and understand.

Thank you so much for your support! And you are so right... .there are some friends who really invalidate anything and everything I say that might be negative about my mother, which is what was also going on... .there are others though who have said to me: "your mom sounds like a piece of work... .how did you turn out so normal!"... .I guess they are nice things to hear sometimes. 

And thank you! Yes sometimes all we need is that reminder that there is calmness, and that we just need to cling for dear life to the calm within us.  I managed to go do an activity that really calmed me right before I spent the day with my BPDmom.  She clearly really wanted to see me, and made a few compromises to accommodate me! YAY (after 8 months NC and LC).  It looks like my sister is in crisis, and my mother is really worried about it... .of course, this is part of their three way triangle (my sis, her hubby and my mom + kids) with my sister stuck in between. 

Looks like this weekend I was the one being painted white... .although I still had to be the calming force, had to take a ton of criticism about the new apartment i live in... .the neighbourhood, the restaurant we went to, the movie we went to, etc... .I returned some of her criticism about her own house, pointed out that she was always negative about other people's living situation (which she really is) and she started to get worked up... .and I let her rant for a bit, then changed the topic. PHEW.  But, as always... .I've always got to be in the drivers seat containing the emotions... .mine and HERS. 

But it seems that since my sister is living in permanent conflict and chaos, and I'm not... .I guess I'm looking good in comparison right now. Even if she didn't ask any questions about me, I talked about myself.  Anyway, I survived it... .This was a positive step I think.  Thanks to those who reminded me where the ground was, and to make sure both my feet stayed planted there.

[jmanvo2015]

I returned some of her criticism about her own house, pointed out that she was always negative about other people's living situation (which she really is) and she started to get worked up... .and I let her rant for a bit, then changed the topic. PHEW.  But, as always... .I've always got to be in the drivers seat containing the emotions... .mine and HERS. 

I'm glad to hear the day went well and that you got to be the good daughter for a change.  I quoted you above because it warmed my hear to learn that I'm not the only person that has a mom that does what you express.  My mother can criticize and berate me for hours, days, weeks... .but if I give back even the tiniest criticism, she too will "get worked up" and it can spiral into something bad if I continue.  In short, I'm just not allowed to find any fault with her because she's too emotionally immature and mentally ill to handle it.

I'm so grateful to have found these boards and people like you that are finally helping me realize that I'm not the crazy one... .

Just be careful because good mommy can turn back to the witch quickly, as somebody on another thread warned me earlier today and it's really true.  She was good yesterday, but you've been LC and NC for a while and probably for good reason, so just stay guarded my friend and take care of yourself 

[caughtnreleased]

Just be careful because good mommy can turn back to the witch quickly, as somebody on another thread warned me earlier today and it's really true.  She was good yesterday, but you've been LC and NC for a while and probably for good reason, so just stay guarded my friend and take care of yourself  

Thank you for this reminder.  I think it really is the back and forth of BPD that is so deceptive.  You convince yourself that they are crazy and then they hit you with "normal"... .only for you to bring down your guard, and BAM, they hit you again with crazy.  I suppose as everyone seems to say over and over and over again on these boards... .build boundaries, and keep them.  I think I've put the boundaries in place... .I just have to keep them there too.  This one is harder because I think all of us, deep down, would like to know that there is someone out there who can contain things too, when we are too tired and stressed to do it ourselves. Although I wonder if those people actually exist.

But, being totally aware of what is happening I think is helpful.   I was prepared for her negativity... .and therefore managed to contain it.  I also called her on it... .repeatedly. Maybe I was a bit less prepared for the "normal" mommy... .But I guess we need to be prepared for that too.

[Takehiko]

Caughtnreleased, I totally feel you. About your mother's behaviour, you having to be the one who handles the emotions. I think literally every time I've seen my mother it's been a toss up as to whether she's going to behave herself or be on a massive negativity rant. I don't think I can offer any help except solidarity, being the one who has to handle and contain all the emotions... .yeah I totally get it.

And I also get that thing "how come you turned out so normal?" Well, I really don't know, but I guess that means you and I are either really lucky or really repressed! Or both.

I'm glad you managed to call her on her negativity. I find this pretty hard to do since I'm so used to it and get sucked in. Either that or I just get angry, contradict her and get into an argument, which is definitely lose/lose. Well done for managing to put down the boundaries. 

[caughtnreleased]

Hi Takehiko,

Thanks for the encouragement.  It's taken me a while to be able to take a step back.  A while ago I started doing meditation, and it really helped me to detach and observe my own emotions.  I think that ability has also allowed me to detach and watch  my mother as she cycles through her own emotional ups and downs.  Just calling her out on things, as they occur, I find is really useful.  You just resist getting pulled in and observe, and point out what they are doing.  I found it to be a really helpful exercise.

As far as being lucky or repressed, well... .there are definitely a lot of things that I've been repressing for a long time, and I've only let them bubble up to the surface recently.   I've found myself doing some of the same things I did back when I was 19... .I thought I'd outgrown some childish reactions, but it seems like I may have just repressed them?  Like neediness, jealousy, insecurity... .all things that I looked down at people for having, and now here i am experiencing them.  It's made me feel a lot less self-assured about myself.  I thought I was all knowing, all powerful and strong, all blah blah... and now that I'm exploring who I am a bit more, well, geez, I'm really not the tower of strength I thought I was.  Maybe I am to my mother, and to my sister and father, but with more emotionally stable people, not so much.  It's an interesting journey that's for sure.