How much did you change?

[crookedeuphoria]

When I met my exBPDbf, I was a happy, free spirited hippie yoga chick. After 2.5 years, I am a shell of who I once was, almost to the point where I don't even know if who I thought I was was real. I'm depressed with no energy and a bunch of misdirected anger. And I'm sad. Do you think they stop loving us (mirroring us) because of how drastically we end up changing over the course of our relationship?

[tim_tom]

When I met my exBPDbf, I was a happy, free spirited hippie yoga chick. After 2.5 years, I am a shell of who I once was, almost to the point where I don't even know if who I thought I was was real. I'm depressed with no energy and a bunch of misdirected anger. And I'm sad. Do you think they stop loving us (mirroring us) because of how drastically we end up changing over the course of our relationship?

Sure... Overtime, it's self reinforcing. They don't like that you don't live up to their fantasy version of you during idolization, they berate/complain/criticize... .this whittles you down emotionally becoming less of who you were, which leads to more anger from them... And the cycle continues till one day you are a shell of what you once were, and they bounce to a new supply

It's an expectations game. Their expectations are our of whack. During idolization they hold such a pristine/perfect view of you, one that nobody can maintain, and it leads where it was always going to lead.

I am 6 weeks out, and beginning to feel like me again. In small ways, transitory, I can't hold onto it for long but it's coming. I've resumed friendships and hobbies long since discarded under the tornado of needs that was my BPD, it helps. Get you back.

[workinprogress]

I'm still involved with my r/s.  The biggest change that I can see is that I feel so depleted (low energy) so much.

I can't explain it.  Other than I just never get a chance to recharge my batteries.  I think that I have become so accustomed to changes in plans, something breaking, or some bill popping up out of the blue.  I know these are all normal parts of life, but I just feel like it is on me to resolve everything.  I also know that I never have really gotten a chance to just rest, even for a couple of days.

I think this is the important factor, our BPD may not necessarily want us to get rest.

I recall dating a good woman years ago.  I was working a lot of hours and she would always make it a point to invite over to her apartment to sleep when she worked (I worked nights) so I could get rest.  She would take me away for a couple of days to get away from everything so we could relax together.  She was a very nice woman.

I think she understood that you needed to work hard in life, but you also needed to rest.

With BPD's, I don't think that they want you to rest.  They want to "keep you fatigued or off balance" to keep you under control.

After all, if you start feeling good you may want to leave. 

[crookedeuphoria]

It's very strange how they attach to us because (I believe) they want what we have (love, joy, happiness) and we end up almost turning into them. We get infected.

[Hawk Ridge]

Crooked - you are telling my story. 6 months out and it feels good to laugh again.  Yoga breathing has been a God-send by the way

[Deeno02]

No fooling. After 16 months that finally ended about less than a month, im down 25 pounds, walking on egg shells, afraid to go to bars because im afraid to see her and the new guy she started talking to the day after she dumped me and im crazy wondering if i should try and make up/win her back or move along. She coaches my son in volleyball and her son and mine are friends. Im thoroughly broken. Not sure i can trust anyone anymore.

[Indyan]

Hmmm... .

I've changed loads for sure, but not only for worse.

Yes, I've lost my natural trust about people. I suspect things I never did before, wonder if people are just doing things out of their own interest, that's something I don't like - I hope it will reverse.

Of course, there are times I feel really down, worried, scared. He's managed to freak me out, I spent nights fearing that he would take my kids away, one way or another.

But I've changed a lot on a human level too. I'm a lot more patient, less demanding, a lot less judgmental. I see happiness in small things. And mainly I set my boundaries firmly and I won't let people invade my privacy with their own negative emotions for long again. I feel a lot stronger to stand for my boundaries and say no. I used to be "too nice", found it hard to tell people they lacked respect of trampled my boundaries. I'm more confident now in that respect.

And finally, I've learnt LOADS about psychology, realizing that lots of people take things VERY differently from me, and what being "mentally ill" means.

2 years ago I had a totally ignorant and maybe rather judgemental view on this. I sorted people as "insane vs sane" or "good vs evil" and that was it. I now understand there are lots of shades in between, although I have to admit it freaks me out too. When I watch stuff on telly about killers, I wonder if maybe they show the "good in them" before they commit murder and whether we can sense it.

I used to say "How come she didn't sense her husband could kill all her family one day?"

But now I'm not so sure anymore.

In fact, it's almost my entire view on human nature that I put back into perspective. It scares me, so I try not to think of this too much.

[JRav59]

I agree with Indyan. The boundary part is key. I have changed, but not necessarily for the worse. I have more control over me now. I see how I so blindly and naively went into something that I think my gut was not certain/ leary about. All I worried about was trying to keep her happy. I realize now the relationship was never going to be sustainable. I ended it because I felt the drain and I just said, "I can't keep living like this". I never want to go back to a crazy love like that again. I know the signs.

I'm not wrapped up in her new replacement. The way I see it, there is something alarming about jumping into a relationship with someone you hardly know who just ended a 3 year relationship. God help this girl. Who knows, they may be perfect for each other. Maybe they're both crazy. I say let them destroy each other. As long as innocent bystandards aren't harmed. I have read so much about abusive relationships and the signs. I don't have to have to put up with that just to be in a relationship. There are good and kind people out there.

[Waifed]

When I met my exBPDbf, I was a happy, free spirited hippie yoga chick. After 2.5 years, I am a shell of who I once was, almost to the point where I don't even know if who I thought I was was real. I'm depressed with no energy and a bunch of misdirected anger. And I'm sad. Do you think they stop loving us (mirroring us) because of how drastically we end up changing over the course of our relationship?

I was in a similar place when my relationship started and was where you are now after 3 years of abuse. A year after the relationship ended I have almost recovered emotionally and I am in a much better place. It gets better literally every day now. The best things have been the results from the work I have done on myself and my childhood stuff and the fact that I no longer crave this type of person and I can see them coming a mile away

[Bak86]

I became actually more confident than i was before our relationship. She notices this, but her loss 

[freedom33]

Well to start with women were quite high in my priority list. Now they pretty much dropped out all together. I have started to find my real self, my heart, my values and principles. Rediscovering a long lost part of myself - my best friend. Taking care of me as best as I can from now on. And whoever wants to walk by my side will have to walk a long and hard road through obstacles and challenges and prove themselves along the way before I bring them close to my heart again. That doesn't mean I am going to be closing people off but I realised that my heart is precious and the next person will have to worth it, make an effort and prove themselves through actions, not just words. Not giving away the most precious thing I have for nothing again.

[Infern0]

I'm still in the period where I'm trying to figure everything out.

I'm 90% functional again but there is still a way to go.

I have also learned heaps about mental illness,  and also learned a lot about myself.  Weaknesses I never knew I had etc.

It's been life changing for me. Such a massive year in regards to my views on the world and life in general.

I think the best thing I learned is that it's ok to put myself first sometimes