How would it make her feel if I told her I can feel her pain?

[shellbent]

It seems like people with (undiagnosed) BPD are living in denial about their true selves. They want someone so desperately to make them feel whole, make them feel "normal" and loved. But consciously they are too afraid to show their true selves in fear of being rejected. So there is a struggle within them to show and hide their selves at the same time.

Can it help them if someone tries to be there for them and show that they can feel what they are going through and that they don't need to keep putting up a facade when it is so stressful and takes enormous effort to do so?

Do people with BPD want to pretend that they don't feel the way they do, or do they want someone to accept them and move them into a healthy direction, so they can stop feeling so much pain?

[tim_tom]

My experience is that it caused rage ... at me... And then I become a trigger for her and associated with anger.

I'm sure it's not one size fits all, but for me, even the insinuation that she might have problems invoked rage. No matter how lovingly presented.

This was the case with just about anything she did wrong though, she had a need for everyone to think she was perfect... Played the role too... until you got to close

[shellbent]

My experience is that it caused rage ... at me... And then I become a trigger for her and associated with anger.

I'm sure it's not one size fits all, but for me, even the insinuation that she might have problems invoked rage. No matter how lovingly presented.

This was the case with just about anything she did wrong though, she had a need for everyone to think she was perfect... Played the role too... until you got to close

I can see a valid point in that. However it looks like I am (was) already a trigger for her sadness.

I was thinking more in the lines of not judging her for the way she is, rather telling her that it must be hard to feel emptiness and fear and anxiety all the time.

I don't want it to sound like she has a problem, rather that it is just very difficult to go thru what she is going thru without anyone really being able to relate to her. Validating her feelings and giving her my sympathy.

I think anytime she mentions these fears, she gets belittled and rejected for feeling that way. She told me a lot of things while we were together, but pretty much a very vague way of tapping into those feelings.

Just would like to tell her, that Im only saying if any of these feelings are familiar that she will have someone to talk to if she ever needs it. So I would let it be up to her if she wants to open up about it, since in my understanding these feelings are inevitable for her/them. Maybe it is just a matter of how much suffering they can feel at the time, but maybe she is happy now and going thru another idealization with someone else. But it isn't that easy to click with someone on so many levels as we have when we met.

I am moving on and looking for a healthy relationship, but I still want her in my life. Maybe she doesn't care at all.

[Confused?]

I used to tell my exBPDgf that I knew what she was going through and I understand. This pissed her off to no end. Truth is I don't know what she was going through on a daily basis because I'm not her. I was very understanding and tried to make her feel as comfortable as possible all the time. But when it came down to actually knowing how she feels I had no clue. She would often say things like no one understands me and it's true. Maybe people would understand her more if she didn't just lie about everything all the time.

[myself]

We can't really feel their pain, and they choose to not really face it.

Many stories here of well-intentioned people who became smashed mirrors.

Accepting themselves/changing for the better is what they really fear.

[tim_tom]

I can see a valid point in that. However it looks like I am (was) already a trigger for her sadness.

I was thinking more in the lines of not judging her for the way she is, rather telling her that it must be hard to feel emptiness and fear and anxiety all the time.

I don't want it to sound like she has a problem, rather that it is just very difficult to go thru what she is going thru without anyone really being able to relate to her. Validating her feelings and giving her my sympathy.

I think anytime she mentions these fears, she gets belittled and rejected for feeling that way. She told me a lot of things while we were together, but pretty much a very vague way of tapping into those feelings.

Just would like to tell her, that Im only saying if any of these feelings are familiar that she will have someone to talk to if she ever needs it. So I would let it be up to her if she wants to open up about it, since in my understanding these feelings are inevitable for her/them. Maybe it is just a matter of how much suffering they can feel at the time, but maybe she is happy now and going thru another idealization with someone else. But it isn't that easy to click with someone on so many levels as we have when we met.

I am moving on and looking for a healthy relationship, but I still want her in my life. Maybe she doesn't care at all.

Fwiw, it sounds like you are not moving on and still trying to rationalize a means to make this relationship to work, for her to want you again. I strongly suggest you retreat from this line of thinking, accept that she is disordered and that you can't help her, and can't be happy with her. She needs to do it on her own, on her timetable and when she is ready.

re the bolded: Nearly every on this board has the same experience and the same struggle. It's best to accept that what you had was idolization/mirroring from an emotionally stunted person. Mirroring likely too, it's common. And, unfortunately for all of us, we probably weren't the first, and not going to be the last to go through this with her. it wasn't special, it was disordered and we were complicit. Willing participants on this trip to fantasy island.

When I give my 7 year old daughter a new doll, it's the best present ever, she'll love it for ever... Then 2 months from now, it's stuffed under the couch missing an arm. That is our BPD, the have the emotional maturity of a child

It's sad, and it hurts, but I beat this reality into my head anytime the feelings emerge that I am in some way special to her, her one true love that she will eventually find her way back to. How silly it sounds to type that.

I wish you the best, truly. If I sound harsh, I apologize, but I believe the only path forward is to stop ruminating on the past.

[lm911]

It will trigger her. They hate someone to tell them how they feel even if you tell them that they seem happy.

[Emelie Emelie]

My exBF knew he had BPD. I tried very hard to make him feel loved, secure and accepted... .just as he was. Ultimately it didn't make a difference. In his case that need was more than any human could fill. And because I couldn't he started to hate me.

[shellbent]

I used to tell my exBPDgf that I knew what she was going through and I understand. This pissed her off to no end. Truth is I don't know what she was going through on a daily basis because I'm not her. I was very understanding and tried to make her feel as comfortable as possible all the time. But when it came down to actually knowing how she feels I had no clue. She would often say things like no one understands me and it's true. Maybe people would understand her more if she didn't just lie about everything all the time.

Was this when you were still together?

We both thought we were soul mates at one point in time, because it seemed like we were so similar. It was almost scary. I didn't know though that she was feeling emptiness all the time. After a while we didn't see eye to eye anymore and that is when things started falling apart. She wouldn't communicate at all. :P

Since we have not even been talking for the past months, I do see all these problems as an outsider. Not able to be alone and some part of me had taken on these miserable feeling that I think were hers. After a month of this though I didn't try to mask or hide it I just went through it. Now I have no problem spending time alone and I am not desperate to hang out with/call people all the time. In fact I feel like now the right thing for me is to keep being alone until I can be "attractive" again. (I mean have things sorted out inside and can give attention to others around me)

[shellbent]

Fwiw, it sounds like you are not moving on and still trying to rationalize a means to make this relationship to work, for her to want you again. I strongly suggest you retreat from this line of thinking, accept that she is disordered and that you can't help her, and can't be happy with her. She needs to do it on her own, on her timetable and when she is ready.

re the bolded: Nearly every on this board has the same experience and the same struggle. It's best to accept that what you had was idolization/mirroring from an emotionally stunted person. Mirroring likely too, it's common. And, unfortunately for all of us, we probably weren't the first, and not going to be the last to go through this with her. it wasn't special, it was disordered and we were complicit. Willing participants on this trip to fantasy island.

When I give my 7 year old daughter a new doll, it's the best present ever, she'll love it for ever... Then 2 months from now, it's stuffed under the couch missing an arm. That is our BPD, the have the emotional maturity of a child

It's sad, and it hurts, but I beat this reality into my head anytime the feelings emerge that I am in some way special to her, her one true love that she will eventually find her way back to. How silly it sounds to type that.

I wish you the best, truly. If I sound harsh, I apologize, but I believe the only path forward is to stop ruminating on the past.

You are probably right, I still have hopes that we can talk about things in a healthy way, of course I already know the chances of that happening are slim to none. So in my mind I am not waiting for this to happen and I do not have expectations either. I know that a relationship with her would be putting myself in front of a freight train. Anytime I had, she didn't respond well and I felt like day 1 after the break. Now I am educating myself for the future, it does seem like I have the tendency to attract broken people to me almost without exception.

The hardest part to accept is that she really did make me happy, so everything I hear about BPD seems to be like she is some type of exception, she never said anything bad in our rs so it is hard to see the bad when really there were hardly any, plus I tend to put those behind me.

On the other hand from what she told me she "self-diagnosed" herself as a Codependent, which tells me that she knows that something about her is damaged. I just think there is a lot more than what she realizes. And I bet she didn't have red flags come up about what she was saying to me at the time.

I wish I could move on 100%, but I'm not built that way to just cut someone out of my life I cared about. As a matter of fact I realized that the way she acted towards me was exactly how I should have been, angry, hurt, confused. Instead she pretended I was the bad guy and her suffering was all my fault.

I want what is best for me and I was devastated when she gave up on us in a heartbeat. I have never seen anyone so cold before. So I know this could happen again. But some obsessed part of me wants to hold myself to my promise of never leaving her.

[myself]

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

[shellbent]

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

Thanks I read this one about a month ago. Honestly I think this was one of the hardest and most useful articles to read.

I guess I just feel like I had a preview of what it feels like to have those thoughts of the BPD.

I never had these deep feelings of emptiness before, but I think in trying to understand my ex I opened myself up for a world of pain. When I started experiencing these things I almost went crazy, I even had suicidal thoughts.

Not like me at all. So I kind of feel like I went through the same emotions just didn't run away from them. The same time I was putting down a serious addiction.

[tim_tom]

I wish I could move on 100%, but I'm not built that way to just cut someone out of my life I cared about.

Nor am I my friend, nor am I. But at some point you have to realize that you are only hurting yourself.

SHE cut you out of her life. You didn't do any cutting, you are trying to hold on. Feel good that you have a warm heart, it's a good trait. But you need to stop wounding your heart, by miring yourself in this.

My exBPD, after unceremoniously, unexpectedly, and coldly kicking me to the curb, no working on it, no talking about it, no discussion. Just... "things change"... She called me up crying 2 weeks later that she "felt like she was losing her best friend". It tugged at my heart strings, I shut the thinking mind off and reacted emotionally... I reassured her, always be there for you, still love you etc... Later, after dissecting it a bit in the rational mind it was easy to see through it. She is losing me? -- She dumped me! Her best friend - I was the love of her life 2 weeks earlier and she'd never leave me. It was all about her, not me, what she wanted, how she wanted it... And worst yet abdicated her role in it... suddenly it was my fault for not maintaining the relationship. Not hers... gimme a break.

[Confused?]

Yea it was while we were still together. I too felt the emptiness and loneliness when she left me for another guy. But it's getting better. For me to tell her I know what she goes through wouldn't be right. She will always feel that way while in a relationship. I can get over my internal feeling. She can't.

[fred6]

I used to tell my exBPDgf that I knew what she was going through and I understand. This pissed her off to no end. Truth is I don't know what she was going through on a daily basis because I'm not her. I was very understanding and tried to make her feel as comfortable as possible all the time. But when it came down to actually knowing how she feels I had no clue. She would often say things like no one understands me and it's true. Maybe people would understand her more if she didn't just lie about everything all the time.

When mine would say or do things that I didn't understand and I tried to get her to explain it to me. She couldn't and I would tell her that I just don't understand. Her exact words were, "I know that you don't, you will never understand". Towards the end when things were falling apart, she would actually get mad when I told her that I didn't understand something.

[Confused?]

Mine used to say she can't stop thinking horrible things. I used to ask her like what? And she used to reply that she didn't know. That's one of the most difficult things to hear and try to detach from. They just don't know what they are doing and can't stop it. It's sad really. But it also makes it easy because that's the way she is choosing to live. So at the same time I can't feel bad for her at all.

[shellbent]

Nor am I my friend, nor am I. But at some point you have to realize that you are only hurting yourself.

SHE cut you out of her life. You didn't do any cutting, you are trying to hold on. Feel good that you have a warm heart, it's a good trait. But you need to stop wounding your heart, by miring yourself in this.

Well truth be told, she ended the relationship, but still wanted to have some form of connection with me. She needed time to figure out the reasons for feeling the way she did. I did believe this to be true, since she left her previous bf for me. They were in a  6 yr relationship, but she told me that he had not been there for here for the most part and seemed like he was not interested in her at all. She said she even lost her identity in the relationship. He was cheating on her etc.

Now of course I realize this was all part of her distorted reality. At the time I thought well this guy doesn't deserve her and I didn't feel bad for him at all for getting left behind. She was so convincing my goodness. So I thought well she hasn't loved him for a long time and wanted out for a while. They were living together so I kind of understood that she didn't just want to move out on a whim.

She never cheated on him though, we waited until he moved out before anything physical happened between us. I guess she did cheat emotionally. :P

What I'm trying to say is that she said she needed time to heal and move past her issues. Told me not to wait for her as that wouldn't be fair. Only when I took some bad advice and in my hurt/confusion and withdrawal and my fathers passing I was myself an emotional wreck. So even for someone with no BPD this might have been scary. I just thought she loved me enough to work on things.

So she only cut me out of her life completely when I just wouldn't give up on her. And I thought I was being romantic and not giving up on love.

Of course I didn't see that I was just pushing her further and further away.

She probably would have come back if I just waited a few weeks or so.

But I ended up sending her letters about her losing me and that I am moving on etc... .All bad moves and I don't know what I was thinking. I wasn't in a very good place. I realized that I too had many problems. I feel that I have sorted them out though. And now I am working out and trying to improve my life. It has been working and I am making the right choices now.

Maybe I have OCD, but I truly felt we were right for each other.

Bottom line is if I didn't do all the stupid things I did, I would not have found out about her condition, and now I feel like I want to know everything possible about disorders as I too feel like some of them had affected me in some way shape or form.

I'm thinking of dedicating my time to helping others who suffer daily.

I don't want to say she is practice, but it helps me learn about communicating effectively and my goal is to try and get through to her.

I hear what you are saying, I will not let myself get more hurt. I am protecting myself as much as I can putting my own needs before hers, but I feel like I have it in me to still be there for her.

[tim_tom]

imo... .she wouldn't have come back. She was letting you down easy. The internet and this web site are filled with break ups talking about needing time, finding herself, working on their issues... etc

Only to find out shortly thereafter they are with someone else.

That's what my ex told her boyfriend when she left him for me. And that's what she told me, I am certain she's with someone else, although I have no evidence.

I'm sorry man, let it go. Girls don't leave guys they are in love with.

[shellbent]

imo... .she wouldn't have come back. She was letting you down easy. The internet and this web site are filled with break ups talking about needing time, finding herself, working on their issues... etc

True, but I know she wasn't with someone else. She has a hard time trusting people and I work with her and there was no indication that she had someone.

It's true when she called quits she wasn't in love with me, that is probably because I was having a breakdown and she couldn't feel I was strong enough for her.

I had a theory that she might have cheated on me with someone, but it might have been only my mind as I tend to think the worst things in these cases. So I just overruled it especially because she was honest enough with her ex not to cheat on him with me.

She couldn't tell me why we needed to break up which was the weirdest thing for me. That gave me no closure and even hope that I could win her back.

With BPD she really has no true identity, so I think she was splitting, disassociating whatever.

It is really sad, I was always loving and caring to her.

I think I can only let go of her (what we had) if I find someone I can fall in love with.

But it has never been mutual with anyone in this way (unless it was just her illness) then never.

[Loveofhislife]

How would it make my exbfBPD feel? Easy. The narcissistic part of him would say that I (his extension) could not possibly know how he feels. It would turn into a power struggle: who was abused the worst --who feels the most pain? R/s with these guys is NO WIN. Damned if I felt his pain; damned if I understood his pain; damned if I wanted to help with his pain. I indulged and cajoled and enabled. I now regret that I did not set boundaries; hold them; and hold him accountable. Privileges are earned; consequences for bad behavior. That's how I was trained in parenting classes for a child with an addictive disorder. If I REALLY wanted to help him and love him unconditionally. He needed me to be strong. When I wasn't, exbfBPD left me. He didn't need or want a lover; he wanted a mommy.

[Infern0]

I had relatively good dialogue with mine from time to time,  she opened up a lot about how she felt and what was going on inside her. I didn't know she had BPD and it was confusing to me but I did my best to reassure her.

Problem was she would only talk about it on her terms,  usually after a major dissasociation had occurred.

I would talk about getting into T etc and she would be keen and want to change and stop drinking etc but then the next day or whatever just completely flipped,  nothing was wrong etc and she's going drinking with her NARC friends.

Frustration isn't the word

[shellbent]

I had relatively good dialogue with mine from time to time,  she opened up a lot about how she felt and what was going on inside her. I didn't know she had BPD and it was confusing to me but I did my best to reassure her.

Problem was she would only talk about it on her terms,  usually after a major dissasociation had occurred.

I would talk about getting into T etc and she would be keen and want to change and stop drinking etc but then the next day or whatever just completely flipped,  nothing was wrong etc and she's going drinking with her NARC friends.

Frustration isn't the word

She only told me about the things in her childhood or how others affected her at work, etc... .

Never anything about how I made her feel or the things that I did.

Mine would only talk about deep feelings when it was late at night and we were just laying down relaxing.

Since our break we have not had an opportunity to talk. At work I know I shouldn't even try to talk about anything that might cause her stress.

Problem is she is afraid for some reason because all of our previous talks she said just made things worse. I don't know if she was just feeling more and more guilty, or simply more confused.

I could not figure out for the life of me what she wanted after we broke up.

She said that because she ended it, she would let me decide what type of relationship we would have, and she would play along. Don't even know what that means. Anytime I would contact her, it had to be by text and she always made excuses not to meet up, so it was all BS. Seemed like she just couldn't get herself to start talking about things in the relationship.

The last time I talked to her about us, I was returning some of her belongings.

She said lets put the past behind us. I said is there anything you want to ask me about and I will give you my 100% honest answer. She said "I can't ask you yet"

What the heck? Not yet? We don't talk and she never contacts me, even at work she will avoid me.

[fred6]

imo... .she wouldn't have come back. She was letting you down easy. The internet and this web site are filled with break ups talking about needing time, finding herself, working on their issues... etc

Only to find out shortly thereafter they are with someone else.

That's what my ex told her boyfriend when she left him for me. And that's what she told me, I am certain she's with someone else, although I have no evidence.

I'm sorry man, let it go. Girls don't leave guys they are in love with.

I think that pwBPD don't really know how to love in the normal sense of the word, that's why they end up ruining all of their relationships. Mine called our relationship the best relationship that she's been in. If that was true, then it obviously meant nothing to her... .

[shellbent]

imo... .she wouldn't have come back. She was letting you down easy. The internet and this web site are filled with break ups talking about needing time, finding herself, working on their issues... etc

Only to find out shortly thereafter they are with someone else.

That's what my ex told her boyfriend when she left him for me. And that's what she told me, I am certain she's with someone else, although I have no evidence.

I'm sorry man, let it go. Girls don't leave guys they are in love with.

I think that pwBPD don't really know how to love in the normal sense of the word, that's why they end up ruining all of their relationships. Mine called our relationship the best relationship that she's been in. If that was true, then it obviously meant nothing to her... .

I know it's like they have no memory at the time they are scared or injured.

Possibly once that pain wears of that they can start remembering the beginning.

It is so hard that I wasn't imagining the things she said as being over dramatic.

She did say she was extremely in love, and I have never seen anyone act the way she has before. I mean it was like I was a type of drug, and we used to just breath each other like air. Sounds weird, but don't know how to put it. It didn't seem too strange at the time just like what you imagine love would be like 1000x magnified. Problem is they need another bad experience to remember the good ones they had... .

[JB8888]

Have we all loved the same exBPD? The most amazing thing about this board is how we've all encountered such similar, almost like for like experiences. You/Me/We can't ever understand or rationalise their behaviour. We may all be the love of their life but they can never be ours in a sense they will love us how we love them. It's hard, and the most painful thing I have ever endured but this disorder is bigger than us. What we need to focus on is what WE want and deserve, and perhaps just leave them to it. Focus on our own life story. I was "the closest thing to her, the one who understands her" for 5 years and I let her come back after she was a cruel, self-destructive douche because I had empathy and wanted to believe her spin. But where did that get me? Left for another within a week after a "i need to sort my stuff out so I can be what you deserve" speech. Luckily my replacement is twice her age and a known creep. She still texts weekly despite being told to leave me alone until I get in touch (granted... .which is never). Breaking boundaries is a joy to her apparently. Refocus on you. And it's hard... .and I get it, and I deal with it daily if not hourly. But you can also make a choice to move your focus to you and the light (vs. the dark) and choose to move toward what you want and deserve. You're not a martyr and you're not better than this disease. Even my own T said "I have never had a good ending with a BPD... .it always ends badly". If you place energy toward what you want you surely you will attract just that. I'm only just trying now, and I'm happy alone and working on me and making the life I want with or without someone else. If a girl who is dope and kind and hot shows up? Cool. If they don't? That's cool too. But they will. We can't help these ones we loved. They're not even helping themselves... .