Met a new woman after being ruined by my ex-BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello!

I have a big problem. After my relationship with a BPD woman, i can't trust new people. Especially on the "love" area.

Every single woman i meet, i see a BPD connection.

Ah, eating disorder... she has BPD!

Difficult relationship with her parents... and wow... driving recklessly... she has BPD!

It sounds strange. I had a clear understanding of the opposite gender. But now, i do not have any idea how they think!

I see BPD everywhere... .

Are there people with the same issue? Trusting no one and see a BPD connection everywhere and every single time?

I can't trust on my judgement anymore.

Ivaros

[Ivaros]

Hello!

I have a big problem. After my relationship with a BPD woman, i can't trust new people. Especially on the "love" area.

Every single woman i meet, i see a BPD connection.

Ah, eating disorder... she has BPD!

Difficult relationship with her parents... and wow... driving recklessly... she has BPD!

It sounds strange. I had a clear understanding of the opposite gender. But now, i do not have any idea how they think!

I see BPD everywhere... .

Are there people with the same issue? Trusting no one and see a BPD connection everywhere and every single time?

I can't trust on my judgement anymore.

Ivaros

[tim_tom]

Hello!

I have a big problem. After my relationship with a BPD woman, i can't trust new people. Especially on the "love" area.

Every single woman i meet, i see a BPD connection.

Ah, eating disorder... she has BPD!

Difficult relationship with her parents... and wow... driving recklessly... she has BPD!

It sounds strange. I had a clear understanding of the opposite gender. But now, i do not have any idea how they think!

I see BPD everywhere... .

Are there people with the same issue? Trusting no one and see a BPD connection everywhere and every single time?

I can't trust on my judgement anymore.

Ivaros

yes, I see BPD everywhere

[ajr5679]

Me too and it is not fair to them. this is why i have boundries with them.

[fromheeltoheal]

We typically let our boundaries down, or didn't have them to begin with, in these relationships, our exes do what they do, and we end up here in pain.  That pain will naturally motivate us to erect walls around ourselves, as protection, but as we know those walls can also be a prison.  There's a line there, a healthy self protection when meeting new people, combined with a desire to connect, which requires lowering those walls a little and letting the right people in.  It's natural to overshoot that line when we've been hurt, and it's also necessary to overshoot the line to see where it is.

Trauma changes people, and also makes us more aware of potential trauma, so noticing traits we don't like, BPD or not, is a good thing moving forward, and we may also notice that our relationships with people we've known a long time change too.  I choose to believe all of that is a good thing, as we grow and mature, on our way to a healthy relationship, one we can be completely available in safely, because we've vetted it using our new tools and awareness.

[Infern0]

If a girl has an eating disorder she DOES have a serious problem,  might not be BPD but there is a very serious underlying issue there.

It's a fine line between being paranoid and being sensible.

There are 17 million BPD in America,  how many HPD,  how many NARCS,  how many bi polars, how many other undesirable types?

It's not to say people don't deserve a fair chance but it's ok to be a little cautious and guarded.  A real genuine nice girl will be understanding and isn't going to be "triggered" etc.

Get back in the game and be cautious but not closed off

[Tibbles]

I see BPD everywhere too. Friends talk about others friends and their problems and I think - oo they might have BPD. I'm hoping this will get less with time

[Indyan]

I see BPD everywhere... .

Me too 

[Nomad1027]

I tried dating after she left.  It didn't go well.  I unfairly compared the few women I dated with my UxBPDgf. Because they were not love bombing me within days it seemed very mild and boring. I also began to not only see red flags, I began to LOOK for them.  If you look hard enough, you will find them too.  To make matters a bit more complicated, people with BPD and people who are  Codependent share some behavioral traits.

After trying dating a bit over the last two months,  I realized that I was looking for happiness and excitement like I felt with her and I was looking for it in someone else.  Well... .that's what got me here in the first place.  I need to look at why I am looking for happiness outside of myself and why I keep feeling attracted to deeply wounded women.

I have decided to take a break from dating for the next 9-12 months.  I've gone back to therapy. I've joined Codependents Anonymous (CoDA).  I am learning a lot about myself, my issues, and what are the behaviors that have held me back and driven me to care more for the two BPD women in my life than care for myself.  I am gaining tools and developing useful tools.

I never want to go through what I've been through again. I want a healthy relationship with a healthy woman. But to have that, I need to be healthy myself and dedicate myself to healing and becoming my own source of happiness.

[tim_tom]

I tried dating after she left.  It didn't go well.  I unfairly compared the few women I dated with my UxBPDgf. Because they were not love bombing me within days it seemed very mild and boring.

Yeah, i started a thread about this some time back. I am very concerned with this, that the normal pace and intensity of a healthy relationship is now going to be interpreted as lacking, either I'll be bored as you said, or anxious that the person doesn't really like me... (w/e self esteem issues i had pre BPD r/s are only compounded now)

[camuse]

You will see the traits everywhere and it's not a bad thing. Eating disorders, mental illnesses, promiscuity, rapid mood shifts, self harm - all are fairly common and all are red flags.

Personally I would stay away from all these things now, and I think that's probably a good thing.

I look around me and see toxic relationships everywhere. A female friend has a new partner who is extremely possessive, she is very happy. But I feel concerned for her. Another belittles her partner in public. Lots of people and relationships are very unhealthy, and spotting quickly this is very good.

When you meet a genuinely healthy person you won't see any red flags. No one is perfect of course, but that doesn't make them unhealthy.


My problem is I am quite cynical now, I know how easy it is to get extremely close to someone, only to end up cutting them out of your life completely and forever. It's hard to come back from that, but it is what it is. No one wants to go through the PB nightmare twice, and many of us here are susceptible to it due to our own issues. Boundaries, recognising the warning signs, they are essential tools for self protection.

And yes, healthy people seem boring in comparison. But remember where that love-bombing ended up. Start at the bottom and work up, not at the top on a steep downward slope! Love takes lots of time to develop. Life is not a movie.

I'd rather be alone forever than go through the last 2 years again.

[Pingo]

I tried dating after she left.  It didn't go well.  I unfairly compared the few women I dated with my UxBPDgf. Because they were not love bombing me within days it seemed very mild and boring. I also began to not only see red flags, I began to LOOK for them.  If you look hard enough, you will find them too.  To make matters a bit more complicated, people with BPD and people who are  Codependent share some behavioral traits.

After trying dating a bit over the last two months,  I realized that I was looking for happiness and excitement like I felt with her and I was looking for it in someone else.  Well... .that's what got me here in the first place.  I need to look at why I am looking for happiness outside of myself and why I keep feeling attracted to deeply wounded women.

I have decided to take a break from dating for the next 9-12 months.  I've gone back to therapy. I've joined Codependents Anonymous (CoDA).  I am learning a lot about myself, my issues, and what are the behaviors that have held me back and driven me to care more for the two BPD women in my life than care for myself.  I am gaining tools and developing useful tools.

I never want to go through what I've been through again. I want a healthy relationship with a healthy woman. But to have that, I need to be healthy myself and dedicate myself to healing and becoming my own source of happiness.

I am feeling similar to this.  I have decided to dedicate the time waiting for my divorce (at least another 9 mths) not trying to date and getting to know who I am, what makes me happy. 

I do see BPD or traits of BPD everywhere now.  And in this I see abuse where I had been in denial.  My first husband is not BPD but is definitely abusive and if I hadn't gone through this experience with the pwBPD (my second husband) I would not have read the books, gone to therapy, come on here and learned just how abused I was in both my marriages (and still am by my first husband as we co parent my s10).  It's helped me establish boundaries and demand respect.

Having said that, I see that I have a lot of red flags as well and wonder how a healthy man will see me in the future.  I will now be twice divorced, I am in debt, I am estranged from my parents for the last 4 yrs, I had an eating disorder when I was young (20 yrs ago)... .Just more reason for me to get healthy now so I can bring stability to my next r/s.

[Nomad1027]

I tried dating after she left.  It didn't go well.  I unfairly compared the few women I dated with my UxBPDgf. Because they were not love bombing me within days it seemed very mild and boring.

Yeah, i started a thread about this some time back. I am very concerned with this, that the normal pace and intensity of a healthy relationship is now going to be interpreted as lacking, either I'll be bored as you said, or anxious that the person doesn't really like me... (w/e self esteem issues i had pre BPD r/s are only compounded now)

tim_tom, your last sentence rings very true with me.  I have self-esteem and codependent issues that existed before my r/s with my UxBPDgf.  The lack of love bombing made me anxious because I interpreted that as "oh, she isn't interested". That, in turn, triggers my underlying sense of "I'm not good enough".

Yeah, a break from dating is EXACTLY what I need.

[Nomad1027]

Having said that, I see that I have a lot of red flags as well and wonder how a healthy man will see me in the future.  I will now be twice divorced, I am in debt, I am estranged from my parents for the last 4 yrs, I had an eating disorder when I was young (20 yrs ago)... .Just more reason for me to get healthy now so I can bring stability to my next r/s.

I have thought about my red flags as well, Pingo. I am right there with you.  All I can say is that my past is my past and there is nothing I can do to change it.  My future is yet to be defined.  All I am trying to do is take it one day at a time. If I am healthy, then a woman in my future will see that and will come to see that that I have grown in self-awareness and have done a lot of healing.

But that is not the goal.  The goal is to just be happy with myself.  I am not there yet, but I will be.