Feeling lonely and craving the love from her

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My relationship with my exBPDgf has finally come to a close after 3.5 years.  I have come out of it pretty defeated and worn out, sitting at home alone or with no joy in meeting new people.

I'm just downright lonely without her.  It used to be just me and her, doing all sorts of things.  We spent lots of time together.  Now, I spend much of my time alone online gaming to pass my time.  I have a customer support job that requires me to talk to people on the phone.  Sometimes it causes me stress, and all I want to do at the end of the day is go home to someone.  I wish for a family of my own.  When I found a job I envisioned finally having a future with my ex.  But it never turned out that way. 

The loneliness hurts, it makes me want her back, even if I know she's not the right one for me.  My one only local friend tells me I should put myself out there, but I'm not even sure if I want to go through the whole dating scene.  I have a bit of social anxiety, and people see me as aloof and depressed.  I have always been an introvert, but now I'm to the point of being dysfunctional.

My dad, who was my solid support my entire life passed away last year.  I don't have a close relationship with my mom and sister.  I should probably go back to see a therapist.  I don't feel like a human being anymore just void and empty, but still crave affection and love from someone.

So I came here because I can relate to many of the things I've been reading here.  So I'll be here for awhile.  So I want to thank everyone who took the time to read my post.

   

[yaryu]

My relationship with my exBPDgf has finally come to a close after 3.5 years.  I have come out of it pretty defeated and worn out, sitting at home alone or with no joy in meeting new people.

I'm just downright lonely without her.  It used to be just me and her, doing all sorts of things.  We spent lots of time together.  Now, I spend much of my time alone online gaming to pass my time.  I have a customer support job that requires me to talk to people on the phone.  Sometimes it causes me stress, and all I want to do at the end of the day is go home to someone.  I wish for a family of my own.  When I found a job I envisioned finally having a future with my ex.  But it never turned out that way. 

The loneliness hurts, it makes me want her back, even if I know she's not the right one for me.  My one only local friend tells me I should put myself out there, but I'm not even sure if I want to go through the whole dating scene.  I have a bit of social anxiety, and people see me as aloof and depressed.  I have always been an introvert, but now I'm to the point of being dysfunctional.

My dad, who was my solid support my entire life passed away last year.  I don't have a close relationship with my mom and sister.  I should probably go back to see a therapist.  I don't feel like a human being anymore just void and empty, but still crave affection and love from someone.

So I came here because I can relate to many of the things I've been reading here.  So I'll be here for awhile.  So I want to thank everyone who took the time to read my post.

   

[fred6]

I've been where you are yaryu. Actually, I'm still there and just taking it day by day. The loneliness does suck, but it gets a little better everyday. Did you live together with her? How long since you've had contact with her?

[Tibbles]

Hi Yaryu

Its hard - loosing some one who you did everything with . That was me and my ex. We didn't have any couple friends - it was like it was just him and me. When things were good - that was fine. We were really good friends, but as things became unravelled it became very isolating and left me with out a support base to fall back on, except my Mum, Dad and brother who were my savours. I get how loosing your Dad must have been so hard.

To help with the initial loneliness I got a cat - sounds weird but having a pet gave me something to come home to and to love me. It helped. My T told me to sit in the sun to help me cope with loneliness. Get outside, see there is a world out there. Little steps at a time. I'd def get yourself a T. Mine helped me so much at the start - just knowing I had somewhere to go to talk about how I was feeling etc. It's a lonely road after a relationship with a BPD fails cause the relationship takes all our thinking and energy and to not have that chaotic force driving our life leaves us with so much think time on our hands.

As for getting out there dating again, and the social anxiety you mentioned, it's OK. You need to give yourself time to heal. We all leave these relationships as battered and dysfunctional human beings. Our task is to heal and grow. Some thing our ex's cannot do. Give yourself time, find things that make you feel good about you - can take a bit of searching - and do them. Things will get better I promise. This site is wonderful, so many wise people. Keep reading, posting. Better times are ahead.

[yaryu]

Thanks for the responses.  I really appreciate them.  It's true a pet companion would be nice addition to my family. I do have a ferret name Apple. =)  My 14 year old Boston Terrier passed away in July, same month as my dad did last year.  It's been a rough two years to say the least.  I thought about getting a new dog, though, I'll probably wait until after I move. 

I live right next door to my ex at an apartment complex.  I wrote about it here about two years ago, and decided to stay with her up until now.   My place is few steps to her door.  There were circumstances that prevent us from moving together.  Her OCD and the fact that there were times when she would kick me out of the apartment with my stuff in tow done to me several times over.  When it was good, she didn't want me gone so she encouraged me to get an apartment near her.  Residents come and go here because they are workers from India, so it just happened the next door apartment was available.

Over time, she didn't even like me to go to my apartment, which was odd to me because we shared a common wall.  And she didn't like to hang around in my apartment either.  I'm thinking even being away in my apartment touched on feelings of abandonment.  I don't know.  I think having that apartment really put a damper on our relationship.  We had many disagreements because when I wanted to go to my apartment she hated it.   At night she wanted me by her side and in the morning she wanted me there when she woke up.  Then spend the day with her.  My Boston basically had a place to himself.

But that's in the past, she wants to move out of her apartment now.  My lease is ending in Nov.  I can't stay here anymore.  She has a distinct voice because she has an accent.  I can hear her door open and close.  Once earlier this year while we were separated she brought a guy over to spend the night.  That was horrid for me.  I had to play loud music because I didn't want to hear anything going on there.

As of now, she called me yesterday to give me a status of what is going on with her life.  I asked her why she's calling me.  I probably shouldn't have answered it in the first place.  She's like a drug, when I communicate or see her it's like getting a hit.  In some ways, I like it.   




 

[baconeggs]

My ex did the same thing with my apartment.  I would always have to go to her house--she wouldn't stay at mine.

I miss her so much right now too but I'm not showing her any weakness.  I'm on 1week+ of limited contact.  I cry on my own and not to her.  If she calls,  I make pleasant small talk.  I realize no contact is probably better but

When I moved away, I never really broke up with her so I feel like no contact is not justified.

She has been more quiet recently.  She has been telling me about the replacements she is lining up.  That's the hardest part for me--I think of someone else going through that intoxicating idealization phase and having sex with her and I get very jealous/frustrated.  I totally understand that drug feeling.  I physically shake and sweat from withdrawals away from her.  Not good.

I hope that you are doing okay.  We are here for you.

Thanks for the responses.  I really appreciate them.  It's true a pet companion would be nice addition to my family. I do have a ferret name Apple. =)  My 14 year old Boston Terrier passed away in July, same month as my dad did last year.  It's been a rough two years to say the least.  I thought about getting a new dog, though, I'll probably wait until after I move. 

I live right next door to my ex at an apartment complex.  I wrote about it here about two years ago, and decided to stay with her up until now.   My place is few steps to her door.  There were circumstances that prevent us from moving together.  Her OCD and the fact that there were times when she would kick me out of the apartment with my stuff in tow done to me several times over.  When it was good, she didn't want me gone so she encouraged me to get an apartment near her.  Residents come and go here because they are workers from India, so it just happened the next door apartment was available.

Over time, she didn't even like me to go to my apartment, which was odd to me because we shared a common wall.  And she didn't like to hang around in my apartment either.  I'm thinking even being away in my apartment touched on feelings of abandonment.  I don't know.  I think having that apartment really put a damper on our relationship.  We had many disagreements because when I wanted to go to my apartment she hated it.   At night she wanted me by her side and in the morning she wanted me there when she woke up.  Then spend the day with her.  My Boston basically had a place to himself.

But that's in the past, she wants to move out of her apartment now.  My lease is ending in Nov.  I can't stay here anymore.  She has a distinct voice because she has an accent.  I can hear her door open and close.  Once earlier this year while we were separated she brought a guy over to spend the night.  That was horrid for me.  I had to play loud music because I didn't want to hear anything going on there.

As of now, she called me yesterday to give me a status of what is going on with her life.  I asked her why she's calling me.  I probably shouldn't have answered it in the first place.  She's like a drug, when I communicate or see her it's like getting a hit.  In some ways, I like it.   




 

[Deeno02]

About 4 weeks for me, trying to get her back. Only on day 4 of no contact. Day after she dumped me she started chatting up an old college buddy, now hes the replacement. Miss her 5 kids, never got to say good bye. My kids miss her and the akward part is that she will coach my son in volleyball. It just sucks horribly. I cant even describe it any better than the other posters. All i can say is im sorry... .

[pieceofme]

My relationship with my exBPDgf has finally come to a close after 3.5 years.  I have come out of it pretty defeated and worn out, sitting at home alone or with no joy in meeting new people.

I'm just downright lonely without her.  It used to be just me and her, doing all sorts of things.  We spent lots of time together.  Now, I spend much of my time alone online gaming to pass my time.  I have a customer support job that requires me to talk to people on the phone.  Sometimes it causes me stress, and all I want to do at the end of the day is go home to someone.  I wish for a family of my own.  When I found a job I envisioned finally having a future with my ex.  But it never turned out that way. 

The loneliness hurts, it makes me want her back, even if I know she's not the right one for me.  My one only local friend tells me I should put myself out there, but I'm not even sure if I want to go through the whole dating scene.  I have a bit of social anxiety, and people see me as aloof and depressed.  I have always been an introvert, but now I'm to the point of being dysfunctional.

My dad, who was my solid support my entire life passed away last year.  I don't have a close relationship with my mom and sister.  I should probably go back to see a therapist.  I don't feel like a human being anymore just void and empty, but still crave affection and love from someone.

So I came here because I can relate to many of the things I've been reading here.  So I'll be here for awhile.  So I want to thank everyone who took the time to read my post.

yaryu, i really relate to your words. yours, too, tibbles - We didn't have any couple friends - it was like it was just him and me. my ex and i were the same. i feel lost without him.

i am very socially anxious. i don't really like going out where there's crowds of people. in some ways, my ex was my security blanket - i didn't mind being out and about with him because i felt safe. and we traveled a lot, just the two of us. i miss our explorations and adventures.

as can be expected, i am an introvert, too. i have a few close friends, but they live in other states. so, i have been spending a lot of time alone since my breakup and it has been hard. the silence, the loneliness, the feeling that the person i crave the most doesn't want anything to do with me. he's left my phone silent and that silence is deafening.

i don't have any solutions for either of us, but i wanted to respond to let you know you're not alone 

[baconeggs]

I can't believe how much we all have in common.  I didn't know, but it seems like all BPDs find a replacement quickly.  I hate the idea of the replacement.  We spent 6 years together and she wouldn't try to work on anything--she just started a match.com account before I even left. 

I am also socialy anxious and have no close friends because our r/s took up all our time.

Its a very empty and frustrating feeling for me.  Just know that you aren't alone.  We are all struggling together.  Time heals all wounds.

My relationship with my exBPDgf has finally come to a close after 3.5 years.  I have come out of it pretty defeated and worn out, sitting at home alone or with no joy in meeting new people.

I'm just downright lonely without her.  It used to be just me and her, doing all sorts of things.  We spent lots of time together.  Now, I spend much of my time alone online gaming to pass my time.  I have a customer support job that requires me to talk to people on the phone.  Sometimes it causes me stress, and all I want to do at the end of the day is go home to someone.  I wish for a family of my own.  When I found a job I envisioned finally having a future with my ex.  But it never turned out that way. 

The loneliness hurts, it makes me want her back, even if I know she's not the right one for me.  My one only local friend tells me I should put myself out there, but I'm not even sure if I want to go through the whole dating scene.  I have a bit of social anxiety, and people see me as aloof and depressed.  I have always been an introvert, but now I'm to the point of being dysfunctional.

My dad, who was my solid support my entire life passed away last year.  I don't have a close relationship with my mom and sister.  I should probably go back to see a therapist.  I don't feel like a human being anymore just void and empty, but still crave affection and love from someone.

So I came here because I can relate to many of the things I've been reading here.  So I'll be here for awhile.  So I want to thank everyone who took the time to read my post.

yaryu, i really relate to your words. yours, too, tibbles - We didn't have any couple friends - it was like it was just him and me. my ex and i were the same. i feel lost without him.

i am very socially anxious. i don't really like going out where there's crowds of people. in some ways, my ex was my security blanket - i didn't mind being out and about with him because i felt safe. and we traveled a lot, just the two of us. i miss our explorations and adventures.

as can be expected, i am an introvert, too. i have a few close friends, but they live in other states. so, i have been spending a lot of time alone since my breakup and it has been hard. the silence, the loneliness, the feeling that the person i crave the most doesn't want anything to do with me. he's left my phone silent and that silence is deafening.

i don't have any solutions for either of us, but i wanted to respond to let you know you're not alone 

[crookedeuphoria]

Yup. What you all said. Especially the deafening silence.

[willtimeheal]

Yaryu

My relationship with my partner lasted six years. I am missing her a ton today. I am on day 10 of NC. I have to see her at work but it is limited. Doesn't make it any easier. I wonder who she is seeing or sleeping with now and it drives me insane.  I miss her kids. Today is a bad day.

[fred6]

Yaryu

My relationship with my partner lasted six years. I am missing her a ton today. I am on day 10 of NC. I have to see her at work but it is limited. Doesn't make it any easier. I wonder who she is seeing or sleeping with now and it drives me insane.  I miss her kids. Today is a bad day.

We're about on the same time frame willtimeheal. I was with my ex for 3 years and I'm on day 9 of NC. I haven't seen her in person since I left on the 20th. I know who's she's sleeping with. Or at least who she was sleeping with when I left. Like you, I also miss her kids. Stay strong bro... .

[yaryu]

Oh goodness, good to know I'm not alone here.  I saw her today for a brief moment while sitting on my balcony.  She said hi, told me that she and her dogs accidentally walked to my car instead of her mom's car... (she was with her mom presumably she's staying at her place at nights now).  She asked me how I was doing.  I gave a I'm OK with a smile, then as she left, I got all      :'(

I was so close to texting her.  Soo close.  I needed one of those nuns to slap my hands with a ruler.  GD, her eyes and that smile and dang her.

[yaryu]

Yaryu

My relationship with my partner lasted six years. I am missing her a ton today. I am on day 10 of NC. I have to see her at work but it is limited. Doesn't make it any easier. I wonder who she is seeing or sleeping with now and it drives me insane.  I miss her kids. Today is a bad day.

I understand the feelings, it can be brutal and distracting. 

Our kids were our pets, especially her two dogs who took a liking to me which I got extra brownie points for being kind to them.  We called each other mommy A and mommy L.    I developed a fondness to them especially the chihuahua.  Sweetest dog that I've ever known, very affectionate towards me.   So I miss them too.

I definitely understand your pain.

[yaryu]

So she contacted me tonight with a barrage of berating text especially how many guys she's screwed and a lot of online sex with women and men.  I took the high road, but she continued to deliver low blows to me.  Shooting arrows where it hurts.  Awful.

   

[willtimeheal]

So she contacted me tonight with a barrage of berating text especially how many guys she's screwed and a lot of online sex with women and men.  I took the high road, but she continued to deliver low blows to me.  Shooting arrows where it hurts.  Awful.

   

I am sorry. That is so painful. I know mine is with someone else now and it is brutal. Stay the high road. Hugs to you.

[Deeno02]

This is so like an abusive relationship. I miss her, Love her, wait for her to contact me, praying that she does, but then I reflect back on the hurtful things she said about my daughter, the fact we had no friends to do things with except on rare occasions and those were usually large events, and now looking back, I never really got to do what I wanted to do with her.Was she embarassed of me? Movies were a struggle, pick a restaurant was pretty one sided. Why is this like hell? Birthday is tomorrow, struggling to maintain NC, which Im sure isnt a problem with her, since she has a replacement already... .

[Infared]

Wow... Yaro... you have a lot of losses all at once... .

Your Dad, your relationship, you dog... .that is a lot

I we through similar. In one year I lost my job, my relationship, my Mom and then my home.

It was brutal. I found a good therapist... and support groups. I had to acknowledge all my losses (which you are), and deal with how traumatically they were effecting me. Toughest couple years of my life! Sometimes life just loads you up and you think you cannot take another thing.

I identify with the loneliness as me and my ex did so many things together... .Giant black void. Lot of pain.

I just kept putting one foot in front of the other and would force myself out into situations with other people even when I did not feel like it. Things slowly got better.

For you to move on NC is a must. ... and for you that is difficult, but I would really work at that as much as is realistically possible, so that you can move forward and not be dragged back to the pain. It's so numbing... .

Sounds like the relationship just wasn't working... .on a lot of levels.

Keep coming here and talking about it... there is a lot of support here!

[tim_tom]

add me to the list of just me and her, together every second. She would get depressed and give me a guilt trip if I didn't come to bed with her. I lost contact with all my friends by her manipulation... it's just unbelievable

[pieceofme]

This is so like an abusive relationship. I miss her, Love her, wait for her to contact me, praying that she does,

i am the same way. even after the abuse and hurtful words, i find myself missing him immensely... .it isn't fair  :'(

[willtimeheal]

This is so like an abusive relationship. I miss her, Love her, wait for her to contact me, praying that she does,

i am the same way. even after the abuse and hurtful words, i find myself missing him immensely... .it isn't fair  :'(

Count me in on this too. It sucks.

[baconeggs]

My ex would do the same.  She would call me and tell me to come to bed even though I wasn't tired.

If I fell asleep first and she was mad with me about something she would shake me until I woke up and talked to her.

I have no close friends now either.

This all seems so messed up and yet,  I still wish she would call me.  I absolutely cannot contact her and make her think she has any control.

She has told me that she is dating others.  They do this to make us jealous and go back to them.  She told me how he was a brain surgeon and spoke 7 languages.  I just said that's awesome and he sounds like a great guy!  She wasn't happy with that reaction.  It wasn't what she wanted.  I win.

add me to the list of just me and her, together every second. She would get depressed and give me a guilt trip if I didn't come to bed with her. I lost contact with all my friends by her manipulation... it's just unbelievable

[Deeno02]

Her birthday is tomorrow.  Im totally sad.

[yaryu]

She has told me that she is dating others.  They do this to make us jealous and go back to them.  She told me how he was a brain surgeon and spoke 7 languages.  I just said that's awesome and he sounds like a great guy!  She wasn't happy with that reaction.  It wasn't what she wanted.  I win.

yeah i have to be indifferent, there's no other way around that.

[Deeno02]

My ex never told me she was seeing anyone. My son found out when he went over for homecoming pictures as hes friends with her son. Poof, there he was. Ex hasnt said crap to me.

[outside9x]

I feel for you kid, I do.  I miss my BPD, but I do have a GF now over a year, but it still hurts and the things they said and promise hurt, and then they rip you apart and make seem like it's all your fault.  The can't handle blame, not even a piece of it.  Every couple, whether BPD or not share some blame so on that score it's impossible to be all you and with a BPD it usually 90% them and even with tools its really hard.  

I am older, and I thought after 34 years of marriage it was pretty much done.  It wasn't.  No she wasn't the BPD, I was ripe picking for this sexually attractive girl that fawn all over me, I as the hero.  Man talk about being on top of the world.  A one two punch for sure, I thought oh God why me!  I still talk once and a while to my ex, she is very sorry for the way things with.  I forgive her.  Can't say the same for the BPD, it just awful!

So, now I know you feel you lost everything, and it's lonely, I know, but she saw something in you, and if she did you can bet, a sure bet, someone else will too.  Now you are sad, you esteem probably in the toilet, but you can improve yourself.  :)O something you might not have done.  Start a exercise routine in the morning.  Yes, its a pain get up and you are feeling down, it's freaking dark and your tired and the last thing you want to do right then is exercise, but this might help quite a bit, make you feel better and shape you, and then maybe some weights, or if not that, a book, or is there group meeting in your area like CoDA.  They help a lot of people, and its a place for you to vent a bit and hear others, and meet others.  A place to go to get stronger.  It does work for many.

Any single fun groups, that go places and do stuff like parties etc.  It's hard at 1st but you get yourself out there.   I know with exercise and a little social stimulus even though you  are and introvert you can do it.  They start to become like family.  You get use to the faces, their actions and finally there names.  Also good gateway for other things.  

She might of been your world but seriously, you need to create a few more, and then not only will you feel better, you have more to offer for sure.  More to talk a bout.   You can do this, you will surprise yourself, and I know right now, you have no strength and the air is just out of you.  

I feel bad for you, and women can do that even to the most robust of us.  You will be fine.  You will.  Asked for help.  Start a program and force yourself to keep to it.  You may not even understand the reason at first.  Fake it you have to for a bit, but later you will feel better and stronger.  I know it so so hard.  My thoughts and prayers go with you!

[yaryu]

Thanks outside9x, thanks to all for the support and sharing your experiences.  It makes me sad to read about all the hurt here, but I know we are here for similar reasons.  I hope I can eventually help out those in the future to pay back for the help I'm receiving now.

Right now, I feel broken beyond belief.  I can go from high to low, having strength one moment then feeling pain again.  It's some deep psychological stuff to be affected this much over a person, my goodness.  Psychology is not my specialty, IT is, and that is logical, easier to follow, easier to understand, far easier to fix.  Just hearing her, one sight of her, hearing stuff going on in her apartment can trigger such deep pain making me so emotional and depressed.  I wish I could delete it all, never feel pain again.  I wish I can wash it and put a bandaid let my body heal for me.

I don't really know what else to say.  I know what I have to do, but it defies what I actually desire, which is my ex gf.

[Infared]

This is so like an abusive relationship. I miss her, Love her, wait for her to contact me, praying that she does,

i am the same way. even after the abuse and hurtful words, i find myself missing him immensely... .it isn't fair  :'(

Count me in on this too. It sucks.

I know. It just makes no logical  sense... .but boy is it painful.

[fred6]

This is so like an abusive relationship. I miss her, Love her, wait for her to contact me, praying that she does,

i am the same way. even after the abuse and hurtful words, i find myself missing him immensely... .it isn't fair  :'(

Count me in on this too. It sucks.

I know. It just makes no logical  sense... .but boy is it painful.

Yep