Devaluing, Threats to move out, and now silent treatment

[RebeccaN]

Last evening, my girlfriend and I got into a fight. Alcohol was involved, and our emotions ran rampant. One minute we were fighting, the next she said I could have sexy with her. Normally I go for it, but what happens every time is I end up feeling a connection to her and she ends up hating me the next day. This time I chose to simply go to sleep.

This morning, she woke me up asking if we were going to talk before she left for the weekend. I really should have stayed "asleep" because what she really meant was that she wanted to talk at me. She told me we are done and she is moving out. She had the same story two weeks ago and even applied for an apt behind my back and told my mother and therapist. I did everything to convince her to stay and she cancelled it. Now we are back at square one. To be honest, I'm not even sure she is being honest about looking for another apt or if she just wanted a reaction? She has told me all about her previous relationships. She has known about her BPD for many years and she did tell me about it on our first date. She admits she breaks up with women and moves out only to feel intense emptiness and want them back. I know if she leaves she will come back, but I don't want to go through the heart ache. I truly love her and want to work through our issues. But all she can do right now is say aweful things, tell me I am worthless and she hates me, cuss at me, and now give me the silent treatment. I tried to point out that I love her and know this is her illness talking and that the girl I love would never try to hurt me in any way. This stopped the attacks but led to silence.

From what I've read, it seems the consensus is to give the person space and wait out the storm. However, i feel so much anxiety not knowing what she is thinking. Will she really come home from her trip and move out? How will I react? I know I am co-dependent because I feel so empty not having her here or hearing from her. She's only been gone 5 hours, yet it feels like an eternity. I guess this is because when she isn't angry, she calls or texts me literally all day. I'm sure that's not healthy, but the intensity seems good when it's good. The opposite, however, is either verbal abuse or silence. I'm not sure which hurts more.

How do you cope with the emptiness or the unknown? It seems we never know what to expect. It's such a roller coaster ride. I told her last night I was done fighting, I want off the roller coaster, and the amusement park is closed. She laughed and seemed to soften, only to get stirred up a few hours later.

Thank you for letting me vent. I can't tell my friends this stuff or they will dislike her. I know it's not her as a person that is bad, it's the illness. Sometimes I just feel really scared, unsure, hurt, and alone.