How can I help my sister if I am not a naturally nurturing person?

[Ohhitherekelli]

My younger sister (19 years old) suffers from BPD and has recently acted out on her suicidal feelings. I love my sister very much, but we haven't always had the  closest relationship (in part because of the disorder, especially when it was undiagnosed) and I am just not a naturally nurturing or motherly person. I tend to shut down emotionally in situations I feel uncomfortable in and I just don't instinctively know what I can do for her.

I guess I'd just like to hear some feedback about how you have had a successful relationship with your BPD family members. It would be nice if this whole thing came with step by step instructions!  I just want to have a good relationship with my little sis, and make sure I do whatever I can to keep her happy and healthy.

Anyone have any personal stories or advice I might be able to learn from?

[clljhns]

Hi Ohhitherekelli,

Don't have any suggestions, but I can relate. Because of the lack of nurturing, I too found it very difficult to provide comfort to others. Especially my siblings. When were kids, after my mother would beat my sister or brother, we were not allowed to comfort them. They were isolated from the family and we would have to listen to her rant about them for hours. It was horrible, but it set the pattern in motion. I would freeze when I would hear someone being yelled at, and would not know how to comfort them afterwards. This pattern continued into my young adult years. I didn't have much contact with one sister until age 40. When we did reconnect, I still found it difficult to emotionally connect with her when she would talk about our childhood, but I did find the words to say to provide support and solidarity. I can't tell you how damaged our relationships were by our mother. We still don't have a strong connection to this day.

So, I guess I will leave you with, do you think the history with your sister prevents you from offering the kinds of nurturing you want to provide? Have you talked with anyone about the years of pain and anguish in dealing with a sister with BPD? It might help to process these emotions, so that they don't come to the surface when your sister in is a state of despair. I wonder if part of this might also be a sense of frustration with your sister.

Wishing you the best. 

[funfunctional]

Hi there,

I am an older sister as well.  I am not her mom.  Although my considerably younger sister seems to think so... ."I am not her mom".     

It's not your job to fix her... or nurture her.   

Just act and behave as yourself.     You are probably doing the eggshell walk like I did with my sister.   So I guess the less said better.  Anything you say can and will be interpretted as "insensitive".  Seems like NO ONE is sensitive enough for many BPD sufferers.     

Good luck!

[Linda Maria]

Hi ohhitherekelli!  My nBPD is also my sister, but she is a year older, we are both in our early 50s.  I'm really sorry to say this, and hope it is different for you, but I'm not sure you can really have a successful relationship with BPD family members.  I only realised last year that my sister is BPD, after she turned on me in the most awful and unbelievable way following the death of my mother.  For a long time I felt sad and kept trying to turn things around but it has been impossible, and in the end I have had to go NC as I was getting ill myself with the stress of it.  The lies and accusations have been so bad that I can't imagine ever having any contact with her again once my Mum's estate is sorted.  Based on what I have read of others' experiences, the only "successful" relationships are those where people have been successful in setting boundaries or being LC, or in some cases, if the BPD can get into therapy.  You can't help anyone if you are stressed and ill yourself, and these people are like emotional vampires, sucking all your energy and positivity like some terrible black hole.  You clearly love your sister dearly, so I think you will keep trying, and I really hope you find some way to come to terms with the fact that whatever you do or don't do, it will be the best and right thing for you.  Don't get hung up about not being a naturally nurturing person, firstly you are clearly a very caring person, to be thinking about what you can do to help, and to be honest - I am a pretty nurturing person, and it was very hard for me to realise I can't help my sister, even if I am prepared to make sacrifices, in my case she has "split me black", it has gone on for 18 months now, and there is nothing I can do but protect myself.  I'm not suggesting you give up on your sister, but be realistic about what you can achieve, and keep yourself well and strong, and make sure you have people you can talk to about it, and off load.  This forum is brilliant for that - there are some fantastic people here, and sharing your stories really helps.  I wish you well.

[jdtm]

What I have found so far in my life is that the more I help, the more is expected.  And, this I found to be true in all aspects of life.  Also, ironically, I found that the less I do and occasionally do "something", it appears I am more appreciated.  So, maybe by doing less, your sister would appreciate you more; perhaps it is as simple as your sister remembering the "one" thing whereas the "many" things tend to get jumbled and deemed "expected" in the mind.  My point - "help" your sister when the opportunity arises (and you are able); don't look for opportunities or create expectations or succumb to guilt.  So much easier said than done ... .