Insight and a little help for all you out there...

[mrclear]

Hey there,

Even after 2 years of detachment, I'm still processing and getting better everyday  My past life with a BPD was the worst and best thing that ever happened to me. It helped me find a way back to myself and gave me the self-esteem, individuality and strength to have a healthy relationship with the love, safety and happiness that I deserve. Still, there are days that I wonder, process and ruminate and have to get back to the basics of understanding the disorder and the experiences that I made in a time of darkness. I no longer push these sensations away, because they show me my course and development as a healthy, empathic, and processing individual. As an added bonus, my past becomes easier to handle and I helps me accept the fact that this experience is, and always will be, a part of my life. Honestly, I am a better person because of it.

I know that many of us still search ourselves for the answers that only lie with the significant partner you have experienced such pain and grief with. If you are ever in doubt, read, research and do your homework on this debilitating disorder and stop blaming yourselves.

Here's a start: Check out this series:  www.youtube.com/watch?v=diEhdbGC-mg

There's a trigger-alert here, but believe me: you might need this to understand and move on (not run away!) in a healthy way.

All the best and keep healing!  mrclear

[Confusedandhurt]

Hey mrclear,

Great post.  I could have written the same thing.  It's been a little over 2 years since I was dumped via a text message after a 4.5 year relationship.  While I understand the disorder so much more now versus then, there are times in which it doesn't help and I just want her back.  It lasts for only a handful of seconds, versus hours and days 2 years ago, but those feelings are still there.  She was everything I ever wanted, yet at the same time, everything I couldn't face in myself.  Now, very soon after wanting her back, I remind myself of the shortcomings in myself that caused me to stay with her despite the rages, cheating, lying, and always putting herself first.  I had so many opportunities to walk away and not go through the depth of pain I went through at the end, but always convinced myself that it would get better if I could only help her realize how her behavior hurt me.  How wrong I was!  There was no "we" in our relationship.  Only "her".  Like, you, it was the best and worst thing that ever happened to me.

Thanks for sharing with this great group!

C&H

[Zpinal]

mine was a short (4 months) but intense r/s. Its been 5 weeks since I've been dumped for her new supply and I am now doing much better, she is less and less in my head but i do catch myself thinking about that r/s sometimes. I was blindsided by this disease but I knew a lot about her other mental illness (bipolar type 2 rapid cycling). I can't help but feeling sorry for what is coming up to the new supply. I wish i could warn him that the idealization phase is nothing but an illusion and her happiness is just a mask that will fall and he will see the pathetic mentally ill person that urgently needs help. But on the other hand, nobody warned me.

I still maintain NC but get news from time to time by common acquaintance and I can see the same pattern going on. I was ready to help her through the illnesses, she is really a mess, but I understand now that she just couldn't fake being happy with me anymore as I was seeing the true her. This kicked off the fear of abandonment meter to the roof and she decided to leave before i did. That was brutal because we never even had a fight. My mistake in this was treating her like a normal person and not reading about BPD because i was under the impression it was part of the bipolar sanctum.

That r/s awaken in me some feelings that i had buried deep in me, but you know what? I am not fleeing anymore, I am taking them feelings head on and will fix myself. You can't fix a BPD person who doesn't want to help herself, but we nons can fix ourselves and deal with our inner issues. The BPD has crossed our paths for a reason.

[Timbo1969]

Thank you SO much for posting the link to those YouTube videos. I'm waiting for an appointment with a Psychologist that was recommended to me and while waiting, I was trying to get some insight into what happened in my 2.5 year log relationship. She and her new fix told me off and told me to get lost, after she said she wanted to work things out. I'm not sure she has BPD, but everything she's done fits the profile.

This is an amazing site with amazing people!

[BlackandBlue]

I actually watched that guys videos the other day... .they really helped. I might actually buy his book because I know realize that I am a codependent and I have to get out of this pattern of unhealthy relationships.