Self exploration- questioning friendships?

[JRav59]

I have been doing a lot of self exploration. Really trying to get grounded. My emotions are still raw but I am working through them. Lately I am starting to question my friendships. I'm trying to create boundaries. I am so emotionally tired of spending so much time on other people. Some of my friends are getting mad/ annoyed with me. I feel bad because they really been there for me. I will always be there for them when they have a hard time. But some of the superficial things they care about, I'm beginning to realize I don't care about. I would rather read a book and stay home then go out and party. Has anyone else felt this way? I'm beginning to realize maybe I didn't really know who I was. I'm interested in deeper conversations these days. Really getting to know people. Or is it just depression? I am a little confused. This year is about knowing who I am. What if I am beginning to realize I haven't been true to myself? I want to please these people so much. When I ask for something different they get resentful. It's really sad.

[tim_tom]

I have been doing a lot of self exploration. Really trying to get grounded. My emotions are still raw but I am working through them. Lately I am starting to question my friendships. I'm trying to create boundaries. I am so emotionally tired of spending so much time on other people. Some of my friends are getting mad/ annoyed with me. I feel bad because they really been there for me. I will always be there for them when they have a hard time. But some of the superficial things they care about, I'm beginning to realize I don't care about. I would rather read a book and stay home then go out and party. Has anyone else felt this way? I'm beginning to realize maybe I didn't really know who I was. I'm interested in deeper conversations these days. Really getting to know people. Or is it just depression? I am a little confused. This year is about knowing who I am. What if I am beginning to realize I haven't been true to myself? I want to please these people so much. When I ask for something different they get resentful. It's really sad.

I don't remember how long post BU you are, but I am sure you are a bit depressed and possibly almost in am almost manic state. I am leveling off now, I think, but for 5 weeks I never knew what I would feel from 1 hour to the next. Happy, sad, elated, hopeful, anxious, angry... My emotions ran the gamut and in general I felt very unstable.

Beyond that, all of my exBPD's poisoning was in full effect. Once she pulled the ripcord on the relationships and the emotional mind ruled the day, I no longer had a conscious sense of self. Part of me was there, part of her, part of what she projected into me, part what she said to devalue me, all mixed together in a poop stew. It's been hard putting back the pieces, or even knowing which pieces need to be put back, and which ones discarded.

Maybe the worst, the broken trust she caused has spilled out into other people... I don't trust anyone right now. If the person I at one time trusted the most, could so easily betray that trust... why couldn't/wouldn't my friends.

It's really a shame, this whole mess


I guess that's a long way of saying, I'm not sure how you are feeling today is indicative of how you'll feel in 3 months

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm beginning to realize maybe I didn't really know who I was.

Yes!  In time you may find that was the gift of the relationship.

I ended up here having no clue what BPD was, and in pain and searching; as I read a thousand posts that I could have written, the lights came on.  And as I detached and healed, a new urgency showed up, a wake-up call, no more floating through life, a desire for things deeper and real; long time coming, but it takes what it takes.  These relationships touch the deepest parts of us, and as we dig, grow and heal our priorities can shift, we mature, what really matters begins to matter.  Going from looking externally for everything, including validation, to shifting the focus inward, following my heart and my gut.  And when we do that, we may discover that some of our relationships with people, and what they were based on, no longer fit our model of the world, we no longer have as much in common, sometimes it's time to let some of them go, although sure, if someone we care about needs help we'll be there, even though our lives have diverged.

Travelling our own path and following our heart can be lonely at times, realizing being alone and being lonely are two different things, but at least for me, marching to my own drummer is more important than joining a herd.  Plus, new people have entered my life, able and willing to meet the new me on my new level, and the relationships are much more fulfilling; it's a brand new world.  Be careful too about what you diagnose yourself as, there are plenty of psych terms floating around here that we can easily take on as identities, when maybe we're exactly where we're supposed to be and everything happens for a reason.  Take care of you!

[JRav59]

WOW, Heal! That is EXACTLY how I am feeling. I left my partner 4 months go. Healing has definitely been my main priority. My friends have been great, but the deeper I go into self discovery and what I really want? I'm beginning to realize a majority of them are not on the same page anymore. They see me as depressed, not myself. I actually see myself as taking back some of my own energ. I used t give and give and give in order to maintain certain relationships. They are continuing the same mistakes as they were 5 years ago. It's not my problem, but I am through being a part of the hamster wheel. I've hit a wall. I want more from this life. Deeper relationships, better sense of self, etc.

[fromheeltoheal]

I am through being a part of the hamster wheel.

Yep, and nice visual!  Much more fulfilling to build our own wheel and drive it where we want.

You're on it JR, and good for you!

[SpringInMyStep]

This year is about knowing who I am. What if I am beginning to realize I haven't been true to myself? I want to please these people so much. When I ask for something different they get resentful. It's really sad.

I feel the same way! This whole experience has me examining boundaries with everyone, not just romantic relationships. I'm getting rid of ALL the baggage and trying to be true to myself. When you let go of the urge to please everyone, it's very refreshing. It might also be that I'm in my late 40s, but more and more I just don't care if someone thinks I'm not fun because I don't wanna go out and party. And besides, I'm not boring! I'm figuring out what I'm into without the influence of other people. I don't think you're depressed, I just think this is part of the process.

[Infern0]

For me it's been about reevaluating the people I have in my life.

My "best friend" of the last few years is NPD,  I went complete NC on him.

He's someone who has been using me for years,  belittling me, mocking me, putting me down,  using me. But I always kept giving him chance after chance. I didn't realise he was a NARC.

It's great to be rid of him,, he caused so much drama and hurt to me. Including getting himself involved in my RS,  and you can imagine the damage a meddling,  malignant narcissist could do when the RS between me and my BPD didn't suit his agenda.  He went so low as to make up lies about her just to hurt me more when I was at my lowest point. This is someone who says he "loves me like a brother"

It's been a real eye opener.  I now choose the people I have around me and they are caring and good people.